Correct Me If I'm Wrong ~

[InnerPeace]

hi folks,

It is so so easy to tell people to listen about therapies that we have found useful ourselves and been really frustrated when they appear to not be interested and just wallow...I've fallen foul of that myself more than once in my enthusiasm over things that have worked for me and in my genuine wanting to help others. But that is disempowering.

What we need is empowerment and that means accepting that someone can only go at their own pace and support them in that. People who appear stuck are simply not ready to move forward yet....it takes time and everyone is individual. To say anything else is disempowering because it is a refusal to acknowledge their process, which they are entitled to.

I have seen plenty of very useful posts giving really practical advice and insight into BPD, co-dependency etc. This site has helped me tremendously to understand myself better and to make sense out of what I have been through. Included in that is all the support I have received from others which is equally important. I have received validation for issues for the first time in my life in posting on here...and that is huge! Feeling safe enough to discuss issues with stranger is also huge! Just the simple act of writing about my issues is a therapy for me.

I'm very aware in my own process of healing that I have been very against certain ideas and then turned round and embraced them at a later date, simply because I was not ready the first time around.

There's reading something and thinking ok I understand that and then there's reading the same thing again another time and it really hits home and causes a shift within and suddenly we truly understand and know.

It's all timing...it's all so absolutely individual. There are many very helpful posts that maybe you simply haven't come across yet Zaira.

[aylaah]

I think in your following posts, you've shown yourself to be looking at this in a different way to perhaps how we took it initially. I thank you for taking the time to explain your points of view.

As to your question, I'm not in therapy but I'm on medication. I do find it helpful, so do the rest of my family. I'm a parent and a wife and find that it helps control the level to which my mood fluctuates. I get pissed off, but I don't rage for example.

I also find its easier to self-examine, and really deconstruct my own self while I'm on it. I can admit more, I guess! I mentioned the multiple issues - as miko said the various 'world' sites link to the one forum, hence this becoming 'mental health world' recently I guess! So while it is based in BPD there are people here who don't have it. Also people who suspect but aren't or can't be diagnosed at the moment for whatever reason. I'm on the waiting list for an assessment appointment, as an example, though my GP believes it, he can't diagnose me. I'm waiting for an opening with a Psychiatrist to get that.

There really are varied situations here too. My day to day life is affected more by the suspected avoidant pd than borderline at the moment. I have much bigger issues based on avoiding anxious situations, my husband does a lot for me and I rarely leave the house at the moment. But 12 months ago I was full on in the middle of a psychosis that was textbook borderline and caused some major shit in my life. Since then my bpd has been relatively stable.

There is also a change happening here on the boards but it is a new change and one that will take time for us all. We're working on becoming a place of change, of encouragement and recovery focus, but it takes time, it takes people who are more in control to stand up and do what they can where they see a chance to be constructively helpful. The shift has to be gentle because most of us are resistant or scared of change!

Anyway I'm rambling off into my own little world now!

[Zaira]

Patricia,

Wow! What a lot of posts you have. Are you paying rent? lol

I don't want to go either.

Even I'm curious about what I'm going to come out with next. lol

Taking responsibility for our own recovery - that is a big step. And something I for one would be glad to be involved in.

The thing is, do we really care what caused it? Haven't we got enough to do just coping with it? I leave all that side of it to the guys upstairs - let them work it out, I'm too busy staying alive.

Christ! Believe me, I know it isn't easy. I just tried to make it sound easy to see if I could get any takers. If you tell someone it's going to take a lot of hard work you won't see them for dust. lol

It may not be as easy as stopping the blaming and nurturing yourself, but you will still feel like a weight has been lifted off of you.

Yes, most of them are fragile but treating them like babies will keep them babies. It's time to treat them like adults. The stumbling block isn't so huge when someone says, "Here take my hand."

Bpd is a label. It’s people who are very complex, and we must all cultivate more people-tolerance.

[Zaira]

CreativeChaos,

Well your posts probably pissed me of too, but I'm too polite to complain. (something I need to deal with, too) lol

"I'm interested in what you have to say, and I will take anything I feel is relevant to me and that may help, stuff that i don't feel that way about I will leave."

Smart thinking. Believe only that which rings true to the soul and simply disregard the rest. I would.

"In the last 2 years I have come such a very long way from that point, I now live on my own, am self sufficient, have my own business and still everyday am working on me, trying to understand myself and the person I am today."

What you said above made me think of another question for everyone......

How many of us live alone?

How many of us are working?

"This question I would like to ask you also, as you have mentioned a few times that your father caused your bpd - Do you blame him?"

I did for a long time. I hated my mum too for putting up with it. They were married for twenty years. And I hated my grandparents for not letting me stay with them - they were afraid of him too. Christ! I hated the world and his wife and six kids!!! My mum met my dad when she was 15, he was 20. She was 16 when they got married, she had me when she was 17. She had 7 all in, 2 didn't make it. My dad wouldn't let my mum smoke, or drink or even wear makeup. When he died, she went a bit mad. She Hulked Out!! Smoking, drinking, staying out all night or even away for days on end. Coming back to bark orders at us for stuff we should have done. Oh, and for not being mind readers! I married a few months later and moved away. Went on to have my kids and a nervous breakdown in my twenties.

What was the question again? Oh yes, blame. In 96, my mum was in a hospice dying of cancer, she was 62. I travelled from London to Edinburgh to be with her and was allowed to stay with her since they didn't expect her to last long. On and off we chatted and watched a bit of TV. It suddenly dawned on me that I had never seen my mum like this; she looked young, pretty, her voice was very gentle, and her hands felt soft. I think I was seeing the real person, who was my mum, for the first time. This was how she would have looked without all the years of shit taking. I had never sat with anyone who was dying before. I had forgiven my mum years ago - once I finally grew up. I found myself wondering if the same thing would have happened to my dad if he hadn't committed suicide. Would he have looked nice, talked soft, went gently? I thought he would. I thought about his life - before he was my dad - which I don't know much about. And I imagined how he would have looked........ Right then I forgave him. It took over thirty years.

[Zaira]

InnerPeace,

Writing began as therapy for me too. I am a compulsive scribbler. I don't have writer's block, I have creative pauses. A little writer's joke. I'm in a joking mood now. Christ! I hope I'm not upsetting anyone. lol

"I'm very aware in my own process of healing that I have been very against certain ideas and then turned round and embraced them at a later date, simply because I was not ready the first time around."

I understand. I have done that with books people have suggested.

To begin with just couldn't get into them or found them heavy going only to end up thoroughly enjoying them at a later date.

"It's all timing...it's all so absolutely individual. There are many very helpful posts that maybe you simply haven't come across yet."

Not so sure about the timing thing. I 'woke up' in my mid thirties mad as hell that I hadn't had the information earlier and that I hadn't processed it quicker.

I'm telling you, that's what is going to happen to a lot of people on here. One day it will be bang! And they will be through the big dark tunnel and out the other side and wonder where the hell their life went. Like a guy spending all his time working then turns around one day and his kids are all grown up and he says, "Shit! When did that happen?"

Don't believe me, just ask around.

aylaah,

"I think in your following posts, you've shown yourself to be looking at this in a different way to perhaps how we took it initially. I thank you for taking the time to explain your points of view."

And I thank you for your patience.

"There is also a change happening here on the boards but it is a new change and one that will take time for us all. We're working on becoming a place of change, of encouragement and recovery focus, but it takes time, it takes people who are more in control to stand up and do what they can where they see a chance to be constructively helpful. The shift has to be gentle because most of us are resistant or scared of change!"

Change is happening all the time, even if you are unaware of it.

[InnerPeace]

Zaira, thanks for your comments but what you missed was my main point...you cannot help people until they are ready to be helped and you can cause more harm than good by trying to do so.

When people come out of that tunnel you mentioned that is when they may be ready. Yes they may wonder where their life went but what you don't seem to understand is that that tunnel is part of their process and when they're in there it's too dark for them to see anything!

We discuss many helpful practical matters here, the information is available for when/if they come out of the tunnel...finding that information is also part of their process...it's there if we really want to find it and that's up to the individual.

If people are not apparantly listening or trying to help themselves it's because they are not ready!

When I mentioned in my earlier post that I could read something at the later date and take it on when I couldn't before, it wasn't because it was heavy going or whatever, it was because I simply wasn't in a place yet to appreciate what it was saying and not ready to work on it.

[Zaira]

InnerPeace,

".. thanks for your comments but what you missed was my main point...you cannot help people until they are ready to be helped and you can cause more harm than good by trying to do so."

Only if you don't know what you are doing and you push. No one likes to be pushed.

So I disagree. I was married to an army guy who was away a lot and I was left on my own, far away from home, struggling with three kids. I know I would have come out of that tunnel a lot sooner if I had had some help. You don't wait until an alcoholic drinks himself almost to death to try to get him off the booze. Now don't go jumping, folks, at being compared to an alcoholic. It's just used as an example that we can take care of the cracks in the walls before the ceiling falls in.

"When people come out of that tunnel you mentioned that is when they may be ready."

True but us who are through it can be at the other end shining a light to help make their journey a little easier than perhaps ours was.

"We discuss many helpful practical matters here, the information is available for when/if they come out of the tunnel...finding that information is also part of their process...it's there if we really want to find it and that's up to the individual."

Maybe. But would you leave a blind man stumbling around in the dark? I wouldn't.

"When I mentioned in my earlier post that I could read something at the later date and take it on when I couldn't before, it wasn't because it was heavy going or whatever, it was because I simply wasn't in a place yet to appreciate what it was saying and not ready to work on it."

Same thing.

PS. You're there by the way. Want to know how I know?

[Zaira]

I’ll tell you about a dream I had when I was struggling the most. I dreamed of being stuck in that dark tunnel. And someone was trying to reach in and grab me. I was afraid. Then I realised they were not trying to grab me, they were trying to help me. I began to relax. The next time they reached in, calling my name, I reach out and grab the hand that was offered. I was being pulled out when I suddenly realised who was pulling me out - It was Me!! I didn’t understand that dream right away. But discussing it much later, someone helped me to understand it. It was a massive turning point for me.

[InnerPeace]

I have been that shining light at the end of the tunnel for someone, so I do understand what you mean. At first though I tried too hard, I was so desperate to help, I knew of so many things that could potentially help but it was all refused. My friend simply wasn't ready and it was frustrating as hell but I had to overcome that.

All I could do was support..as we do for others here, because the first thing we need sometimes before we can start taking that advice is simple validation...knowing it's ok to feel as we do, that those feelings are real and that we're not alone. Then things can start to shift but not before the person is ready because they just won't be able to take it in or they will feel more useless because they know they are not ready to help themselves and life becomes even more pointless.

My friend needed much more help than I could give but I definitely played a part in their recovery but it was very hard for me to keep the balance right and be empowering rather than disempowering. It was also a period of personal growth for me too, eventhough I had already done a lot of work on myself learnt about a number of amazing techniques for recovery.

I had to overcome many negative feelings as I was being triggered often and really had to reassess my thinking. What helped me at the same time was my counselling training, which I started just before I knew of my friend's problems. It was very hard...having to put to one side my neediness and learn to feel complete within myself, learning that I am not always being rejected, learning that sometimes there is another perspective and holding back from flying off the handle, being truly unconditional.

[stuart-g]

Hi Zaira,

Thank you for your kind words..Sorry it to me so long to answer them but this is turning in to a very long thread!, I have multipul dissabilities, to many to mention at the moment... Its not important that others know my problems.

I have learnt so much from both my wife and this site I firmly believe it has helped me through some very bad times.

I am fighting the local Authorities to get my wife a structured care plan, and recognition of my own Illnesses and needs! So we can live.... as close to a normal life as possable.

As I have dealt with some of the worst sides of BPD and got through the other side... I am happy to pass on my knowledge to others who are struggling.

I loved my BPD wife so much I brought the wedding licence ! It was the best thing Ive ever did. It gave her stability... and the Knowledge that my commitment was unlimited...

I am amazed that it has been mentioned by others that non BPD Boards show such hostility..... THis I would Imagine would be from the 9 to 5 brigade not the full time people who arnt in it for the money! (At least I Hope.) I am very proud to see so many people deal with such complex emotions so well, I am delighted by every step forward they make! That in turn gives me the ability to keep going ...No matter how many doors are slammed in my face. (As NON BPD we to get the same negativity that the BPD members get) Its not just from the people we help.....Its usually from the Local Authorities who don't have a clue about what we are ALL dealing with !

I found that the best way to do this is by giving love and support and encouragement and some time when needed SPACE.... AS a good kick in the bollocks really does hurt ! Thanks for your enquiry

No I dont think U are being nosey , or prying, and I hope my reply gives u a better understanding of what makes me tick ! All the Best...... Stuart G

[Zaira]

InnerPeace,

I'm not posting here now. The reply to your post is on my new thread.

In My Honest Opinion -

stuart-g, You're right, it is getting long. I won't post on this one anymore. And if you don't mind, I will answer your post on -

In My Honest Opinion -