wabbit Posted June 27, 2004 Report Share Posted June 27, 2004 Who says I am not evil? I like it! mwahahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LanieD116 Posted June 27, 2004 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2004 Hey guys, I'm back home to my trust computer and 24/7 DSL - so I will be able to respond quicker. Again, you have each touched me with your supportive posts. Hubby and I have both decided to stop trying to self-medicate and figure it out with all we are reading.... we both see our therapists this week - mine will help me with my codependency and his will address the possibilities of BPD and help him to understand what can be done to help. I DID mean - "get healthier for BOTH of us" =0) It is for him as much as for me. I just want to make sure we try everything we can to help our marriage. I just finished "I HATE YOU - DON'T LEAVE ME" while away on respite. It explained so much to me and helped me understand further info - also a technique to respond my husband while having an 'episode'. I really love the suggestion I read about playing computer games like QUAKE or something equally aggressive when you feel the anger coming on. He laughed and said he could try that too! We're on our way out to see some kiddos at our church perform and will be back later. Thank you all for your comments! Lanie <>< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua Posted June 27, 2004 Report Share Posted June 27, 2004 you really do seem to love him, you do so much for him i hope he is just as nice. Your great Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragdoll Posted June 28, 2004 Report Share Posted June 28, 2004 You know Laine reading all of your posts really makes me see how much i miss out on in my life and how messed up i am when it comes to relationships. all of mine seem to be so chaotic and stuffed. i cant even seem to have friends and even my family walk out on me. im just waiting to be kicked out of where i am right now. My aunt says to me that she believes in the family and that she would do what she is doing for any of the family. but i know that my being here with them is causing a lot of problems especially when im having an 'EPISODE' because i have them very often and they are not pleasant. For me or them. I lock myself away for days, avoid everyone, dont eat or sleep, and then i explode out of my room and then yell and rant at all 3 of them that live here aswell and anyone else who i come across. its so unfair to them. i turn everyone against me. i know what im missing out on. you both are lucky to have each other. i know im destined to be on my own even though im in something now, i know it wont last. its only based on one thing which is sad, but its safe for me. NO STRINGS = NO PAIN when he goes. its realistic and no point for me to see it any other way. you and your hubby are lucky to have oneanother. be careful and be safe and most of all take care of each other. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
budgie Posted June 28, 2004 Report Share Posted June 28, 2004 Ragdoll I totally understand and feel what you say. Been through so many relationships, been let down so many times that you just become numb to feelings anymore. It is a love hate thing. You dont want it. But beinghuman, feelings just coem, and it all..sux. I think we may do well to be hermits..but then, that probably will bring a whole lot of other problems! Anyway doll, I am still working on it, AND still feeling like you do, which really is sickening. Ah well. Thats life, be gentle be good with ourselves huh. And try as we want, push as we might, we just cant get the other fellow off our track if he really loves us ....tragic really, in a way, bliss in another. Aw. Deal deal deal. All the best. True love will survive, despite all odds. I hope. Budgie suprise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LanieD116 Posted June 28, 2004 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2004 *tears* I want so badly to hug you both (Ragdoll & Budgie) I want so much for the people and family around you to be educated about what you are dealing with - to get you both help - medically, or psychologically - I want you to have some one to talk to.... Ragdoll, when you feel an 'episode' coming on - is there anything you can do to help you release all that tension? Someone had suggested on here that computer games helped him... what about jogging? Speed walking? Hitting a baseball bat against a tree? Do your family members understand BPD? If they understand it and have something to read on it, maybe they wouldn't feel so victimized (if that is the case). If you can provide them with a book – I HATE YOU – DON’T LEAVE ME is one I just read and it explains so much! In the book I just finished, it actually mentioned a "SET" process on responding to an 'episode' to help the person suffering.... SET stands for using (in this order) Support, Empathy, & Truth. There are specific examples on how to respond to and interact with anyone struggling with this. I actually tried it last night with my dear husband who was ready to fight when I got back into town after being gone for 4 days.... and it worked! Normally, I would have felt defensive and angry that he wanted to be so mean to me - but now that I understand more, I don't internalize it as an attack on ME anymore - but accept it for what it is - a misunderstanding that turns into a power struggle to convince me that he is right - and a bundle of hurt feelings for what ever reason and he's crying out for love and acceptance. He actually recognized my sincere efforts to re-route the potential explosion into another direction of understanding and empathy and he thanked me and said he felt 'heard' and understood better. See, before, it wasn't about whether he was hurting my feelings (to me) - he couldn't care less about that... He just wanted to get his point across and we didn't sleep until he could convince me that he was accurate and right and proved his point to me - as I lay exhausted and feeling like I’d been beat up. It was a tug-o-war of my feelings vs. his convincing me of his facts. I hope that both of you know that there IS help – there IS a way to survive this – Josh, back me up here – you are surviving it and have learned to live healthy with your struggles, yes? How I wish there was a big home we could all go to – a group living arrangement where we could work on exercising these techniques and help each other roll play and learn from each other. You could teach ME what you need to hear and see and feel to survive your struggles, and I could teach you how we see, hear, or feel when interacting with your struggles. There IS a way out of this ….. There is… you are not doomed to suffer the rest of your life. Start now praying. If you don’t have a relationship with God, that doesn’t keep Him from hearing you. You are His child whether you believe that or not – He believes it. If you would tell Him what you feel – angry, confused, doubtful – be honest – He already knows…. Tell Him you need Him to take over and guide you and help you thru this. Tell Him you give all those emotions and confusions to Him and ask Him to carry you thru all of this…. HE WILL!!!! Don’t give up talking to Him… talk to Him every day – about everything. Find a church that you feel comfortable in… some are soooooooooooooooo boring – I KNOW!!! LOL… but when you slip into the church where HE wants you to be… WOW – there’s no question about it – you FEEL Him there and you look forward to going every time they open their doors. It’s an incredible feeling when you feel the Holy Spirit in a place of worship and He tugs on your heart and takes over for you – and the love and peace that come from that surpass any understanding that we have. It feels hopeless at times, I know it must – in other ways, I’ve felt hopeless at times. I tried to end my life at 18 because I was so hurt and void of love. HIS love fills every crevice of your heart and it never leaves. I’ve left Him before, but He always tugs on my heart to come back to Him where I can be safe and loved and protected. It’s incredible and you can feel this way too – with or without your struggles. I’m NOT at all trying to minimize your struggles. God only knows what you are dealing with and the pain you endure on a daily basis – I just know that there’s NOTHING bigger than God. There’s NOTHING that He cannot heal. There’s hope in that alone. Why do I feel such love for all of you? I don’t have a clue who you are and I love you all so dearly and long to help in any way. I know it doesn’t help to have some unknown being out in cyber land care about you – but I do. You are very much loved and prayed for. If you – any of you – have specific prayer needs – I would be honored to pray for you. LanieD116@aol.com Lanie <>< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua Posted June 28, 2004 Report Share Posted June 28, 2004 things do get better and easier to live with, bpd isnt all that bad sometimes for me. i try to think of the good times with it like when im hyper and impulsive lol. it is hard but we can do it!! all of us together. landile where is my hugs then!!!!!! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LanieD116 Posted June 28, 2004 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2004 (((( JOSH )))) there ya go sweetie!!!! Lanie <>< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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