Obsessions With People

[Irizamoz]

I'm happy to read so many people recognize it.

I've been thinking about why I both do and don't want to get rid of these obsessions. I think it's got to do something with the attachement. It's got to do something with the emptiness, safety and this basic trust. It all depends on the presence of this person. When she is gone, I go absolutely mad too, but lately it gets worse. I keep getting really angry at her because everything she says feels as if she is going to abandon/leave me. I know she is trying to stop the therapy, as it'll be the only way to let go of her and to experience I can live on my own but everytime I get really upset and frightened. Lately this obsession is really killing me, well, that's how it feels, as I find it hard to control myself once I am back on my own after I have seen her. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[guidedbyvoices]

Wow! this thread is amazing! i do this too!! it has totally ruined my life. Why do we do it?! is it like an OCD thing? As well as people i obsess over things that worry me, like deadlines and presentations i have to do. The worst one was my now exbf. I loved him sooooo much but was sooooo clingy!!! in the end he got fed up and just vanished! i havent heard from him for nearly a year and i still think about him constantly!! ...although recently i thought i was over him but then i had a dream about him last night. grr.

[Violentsnyper]

*Raises Hand* I get this too!

I did get reasonably obsessed when I was younger with teachers and so forth. I would act (or at least in my head) as an object of desire and I wanted them to want me... maybe this was because I was molested as a child. Sexuality has always been an identity thing for me, and I always felt better being a sex object than not. At least someone wants me for something is my general feeling, and led to my promiscuity a few years ago.

Females I look up to and often obsess over cos I want to be them, look like them, act like them etc. Again probably because of my lack of self identity I look to others to find myself. Beauty is something I obsess over - I do stupid things like magazines because I like a photoshoot and save photos to my computer of gorgeous women lol. If someone were to look at my computer I'm sure they would think I was a lesbian lol.

Also I go through phases of obsession with celebrities, usually criminals or 'death before their time' celebrities. My most recent obsession is Kurt Cobain. I want to know what he was like, what he was going through, just everything. Before that it was James Dean, River Phoenix, Marilyn Monroe and before celebrities it was mobsters, its scary to think I had a favourite hitman lol!

I am writing this cos I remembered one of my previous obsessions last night and kinda kick started it back up. Was trying to decide whether to tell my psych today or not but didnt in the end. I have this fascination with my bf's ex girlfriend... weird I know. She took her own life a four or five months before my bf and I started dating (they were not together when she did this.) I dunno it is weird I feel like I can to relate to her struggle in many ways. She was diagnoised as bipolar and suffered from bulemia (close symptoms to BPD and my psych is even suggesting I am bipolar even though I am leaning more to BPD) and worked as an exotic dancer ( i also did for a stint but left cos it was hard to do with a bf.) My bf and I talked about her one evening, he showed me photos, video and artwork she had. She also had a art book dedicated to 'staying thin' which was pretty distressing to look at. My bf also pointed out that a certain painiting she had made for him (the only one she gave him) looked identical to me, even the way my hair fell, which was a little strange because she always painted self portrait style and I look nothing like her. It was a little freaky, and we had only noticed it that evening. And in her art book she also had all the words of one of my favourite songs written by hand on one page. I ended up balling my eyes out because she seemed like such a beautiful, creative woman who had a lot to live for.

Since then I have discovered more about her:

- I ended up working with a girl that went to school with her at one job. She told me she was a strange and quiet girl who was very much into drama (she was trying to become an actress) and she hung out with some 'weirdos' at school. Conciendently, a few days after finding out my workmate knew her one of the 'weird' friends came into my work and I fitted her for a bra without knowing til she left.

- I scoured the net looking for more information on who she was and what she liked. I feel like I need to know more about her. I found her website, some profiles and her suicide note in an online diary and saved a lot of it to my harddrive.

- One time whilst my bf and I were on acid as well and we were having a massive one on one chat in the bottom of the shower. Me talking about the past and my mental issues and crying - he burst out crying because he said that he saw a figure crouching down next to me with her arm around me, totally supporting me and felt like it was her helping me through it.

I mean it's weird and by my rant you can tell I have a bit of an issue with my obsession with her. I just wish I had known her, not necessarily in order to stop her although that would have been good, but I felt like we had a lot in common and could share a lot. We may have hated each other who knows but still I am desperate to know more about her.

[abrier1980]

I obsess but only about my husband, what he is doing, what he says, ext. I go mad not being able to just let it go and live. I have never got obsessed with anyone else though. I think if I were to re marry ever the same thing would happen to a new love in my life though. Sometimes there are people I really enjoy talking to and get worried that they don't want to talk to me anymore and then I feel down and sad, but never to the point I think I am obsessing. Is anyone else like this? Just obsess on thier spouse?

[gingerwoman]

I SHOULD obsess on my spouse. But I don't obsess about people who never ignore me.

[Jani]

Yup, me too. Usually I fixate on older woman in authority. It's not sexual, it's more the idea of being understood or cared about. I think I am slowly realizing that my best friend, the person I considered a soul mate, so deep was my connection that I actually drove her away with my intensity. I literally would drop everything to help her or be there for her. I guess, I was slow to realize that it was not reciprocated, certainly not to the same intensity and that hurt.

Leaves me feeling I will never get close to anyone ever again - so I worry that it may make my fixation on others, say my GP or psychiatrist more likely due to feeling/wanting them to care.

This is not an issue area to admit to.

[Madsheep]

never again it hurts so i will crawl back into my shell

i feel numb with dissapointment vunerable

tips on how not to be attracted to anyone appreciated

[OL1K]

For me managing the obsessions has been to find other meaningful areas in my life. This has been hard.My psychiatrist explained that there something safe for me about being obsessed with someone as means they are something for me tohold on to . However he explained that as I have discovered painfully they will eventually abandon me as the behaviour is abnormal and can be classed as stalking. So we have worked hard jointly on finding other ways to manage my distress than peole but it has been a slow and painful process. The first part is absolute honesty and I was not made to feel bad in any way-I was encouraged to say what it felt like and if I had any idea why. Then we explored what happens inside .

Issues around separation and loss have been explored and for me the separation and loss of someone I feel very attached too who has validated me is very painful even if it is an inappropriate relationship.

The need for me to develop other parts ofmy life is important. Take up new interests and try and develop healthier ways of managing the lonely empty time. Finding ways to cope with isolation and fear. This has been avery useful discussion as I so identify. Someone asked about OCD-no it is not straight OCD as people with OCD have obsessive behaviour that isnnot about attachment to unhealthy relationships -they have difficulties with rituals. Although this is a ritual it is on a larger scale. I am not saying OCD is less important is very distressing but different .

This is very linked in with BPD and attachemnt stuff.

I have got much better over the years but psych said that with dependent PD (as well as BPD) the need to be held all the time is problematic.

take care

Fenella

[gingerwoman]

Thank you so much for that.

That is what I have to do find other things in life.

My husband blocked me from the message board I ran with my crush. He must be angry about it. I can still contact him through MySpace but he ignores me there.

It is for the best. I know he must know I am a stalker but he has always tolerated it because it is a nice ego boost for him and I live so far away.

Anyway your messages are helping me for sure.

[lilylalex]

Just happened upon this thread and had the, 'wow, i thought it was just me' reaction! Its always felt like a horrible secret that i've been really ashamed of.

At the moment i feel kind of obsessed with my ex. We broke up almost a year ago, it feels ridiculous to me that i still think about him so much. Im with someone else now and feel really guilty about it. My ex and I stayed friends ish but i cut off all contact with him a couple of months ago because it was destroying me. I try to keep busy and distract myself but i lose stupid amounts of time daydreaming about him even when im occupied. Argh! I still dream about him then wake up in a bad mood and cant shake it all day.

Im hoping it stops soon. Sometimes i think that if i have one more fantasy about being with him, im just going to get an axe, chop my own head off and be done with it!

(i wont though - its just making my head feel battered right now)

good thread ^_^

[Antari2012]

This is to the topic post.

I share this to the letter. This always happens to me as well. It's quite debilitating. Recently I have become fixated on a girl I met at church. Her name is Megan. She caught my eye, talked to me, and now I'm obsessed with her. I feel that if she is not spending all her time with me, she must hate me. If she isn't laughing, I must be boring. If she isn't happy, I must have made her mad. She must be bragging about me to her friends, she must be. I see this nonsense clearly now, but as soon as my delusions kick in later, it will become my "reality" again. Do you also see your obviously incorrect thoughts clearly for what they are, but then become dominated by them later? It's irritating. :D

[undecided]

WOW! I know it's been said before but i thought i was the only one. Totally shocked.

I've been obesessed with this girl for a few years now. It goes from thinking shes ultimate perfection and loving her to pieces to thinking she's ultimate creul perfection and hating/fearing her. She acts as if she doesn't know, but i think she does. Or maybe that's just me getting paranoid she knows and will hate me. It's driven me insane for so long but i don't want to let go of it either. What would i be without her?

I do this about other people as well. I thought i was just insane. :P

[gingerwoman]

Antari yes! I see the thoughts very clearly for how crazy they are one day and think WOW yay I'm over him but then it sneaks up again.

undecided--- My guess is that the girl you are obsessed with has no idea you are obsessed with her but may know that you " kind of like" her.

Don't worry about that though.

[tinker]

I am gay, and get fixated on other women very easily, but as many have said it is NOT a sexual thing. I, too, imagine conversations and situations. Luckily, the person I am infatuated with at the moment is returning the feelings (in this case it is a sexual thing, but for the very first time!)

I thought it was proven to be a trait of BPD? Loving someone one moment, absolutely hating them the next?

[gingerwoman]

Yeah that's a proven trail but they don't say chronically obsessing about someone.

My current obsession is VERy much a sexual thing.

[lostinmyhead]

I do get obsessed with people. Mostly with the people I'm interested in, currently my boyfriend (of almost 1 year). But I can't completely let go of someone I've obsessed over since about four years ago. I constantly have imaginary conversations in my head with my bf, and sometimes my past obsessions.

I just get so emotionally dependent on my love interests and I don't know how to detach myself so that I'm not dependent. I hate being sad or depressed over things they had no control over, like looking forward to seeing them at some group event and being upset that they weren't there, even though it's not their fault. It makes me trapped in my head a lot.

I'm glad I don't get obsessed with many people, or people I don't have interests in. It is really hard to be obsessed and try not to let it show, I'd be afraid of freaking them out if they knew how often I thought of them or wanted to call and didn't.

[Antari2012]

Antari yes! I see the thoughts very clearly for how crazy they are one day and think WOW yay I'm over him but then it sneaks up again. wacko.gif

undecided--- My guess is that the girl you are obsessed with has no idea you are obsessed with her but may know that you " kind of like" her.

Don't worry about that though.

You're right in thinking she doesn't know I'm obsesses, but she does know a little that I like her. When I found out she has been with everyone in the youth group, I felt betrayed, like she had cheated on me even before she knew me. It's strange the logic I have when I'm thinking about her. I always push people away with this, and every time I get past one person (takes around a year), I find another, usually the first girl I see.

[gingerwoman]

YUp same pattern here I get over one and then find another, but each one3 lasts years.

I consider my relationship with my husband "healthy love" seperate and superior to the obsessive love but if he knew how much time I spend on the obsessive love I know he'd be hurt.

But this time he has no idea. Doesn't even know the guy exists. I convinced him I was just obsessed with the message board.

Every single moment I wake up thinking about my obsession. Go to sleep thinking of him too, check his MySpace a lot during the day to see if other people have posted comments. Get jealous over his comments, even though I feel like I'm so much over him compared to how it was at one point.

[RHODSIE42]

I'm in a similiar position to you Gingerwoman. I am obsessing about a guy I met on-line, the difference being I have met him a couple of times. Our on-line chats over the months have been very flirtatious and of a mildly sexual nature. He is seperated as am I but both of us still live in marital homes for financial reasons.

It all seemed perfect and he mentioned before we met that we had "many similarites", when we did eventually meet up he said he thought we were "soul mates" but didn't think we would ever "get married"! That seemed to trigger my obsession with him. From that moment on, I set out to get him into bed and talked of nothing else for the the next few weeks.

Eventually, a couple of weeks ago he said he didn't want a "deep relationship" and just wanted to be friends which is all he wanted from the beginning, he apologised for sending "confusing signals". I was devastated and know I have scared him off with my full on behaviour. He has now not contacted me for 18 days and I am in going crazy, thinking about him constantly, driving past his house and having "in my head" conversations with him.

I tried to be everything I thought this guy wanted me to be and offered myself on a plate to him sexually. The sad truth of the matter is that I was never really that attracted to him physically and only craved the attention he was giving me and got scared when I thought it wouldn't be for ever.

Even though I am in the mist of my obsession with him, I can still understand that I don't really want this guy, he is I think a manipulator who likes his ego stroking which I do very well but does not want to hear my emotions and runs a mile at the thought of what he terms a "deep relationship". It seems, from others experiences on this subject, that there are alot of on-line types like this man, who can sense or spot "our" weaknesses. BE CAREFUL ON-LINE ALL BPD's!!!!

I am really proud of myself right now, becuase in 18days of his absence, I have not once emailed or MSN'd him. I did let myself down one night and after too many drinks, texted him. But eh, not bad, one text in 18days, there is hope for you yet Gingerwoman! lol.

Thanx to all for being so honest and giving me the strength to be honest for the first time ever about my problem. XXxx

[gingerwoman]

I'm in a similiar position to you Gingerwoman. I am obsessing about a guy I met on-line, the difference being I have met him a couple of times. Our on-line chats over the months have been very flirtatious and of a mildly sexual nature. He is seperated as am I but both of us still live in marital homes for financial reasons.

It all seemed perfect and he mentioned before we met that we had "many similarites", when we did eventually meet up he said he thought we were "soul mates" but didn't think we would ever "get married"! That seemed to trigger my obsession with him. From that moment on, I set out to get him into bed and talked of nothing else for the the next few weeks.

Eventually, a couple of weeks ago he said he didn't want a "deep relationship" and just wanted to be friends which is all he wanted from the beginning, he apologised for sending "confusing signals". I was devastated and know I have scared him off with my full on behaviour. He has now not contacted me for 18 days and I am in going crazy, thinking about him constantly, driving past his house and having "in my head" conversations with him.

I tried to be everything I thought this guy wanted me to be and offered myself on a plate to him sexually. The sad truth of the matter is that I was never really that attracted to him physically and only craved the attention he was giving me and got scared when I thought it wouldn't be for ever.

Even though I am in the mist of my obsession with him, I can still understand that I don't really want this guy, he is I think a manipulator who likes his ego stroking which I do very well but does not want to hear my emotions and runs a mile at the thought of what he terms a "deep relationship". It seems, from others experiences on this subject, that there are alot of on-line types like this man, who can sense or spot "our" weaknesses. BE CAREFUL ON-LINE ALL BPD's!!!!

I am really proud of myself right now, becuase in 18days of his absence, I have not once emailed or MSN'd him. I did let myself down one night and after too many drinks, texted him. But eh, not bad, one text in 18days, there is hope for you yet Gingerwoman! lol.

Thanx to all for being so honest and giving me the strength to be honest for the first time ever about my problem. XXxx

I too have had mild obsessions with people who I really was not attracted to but just hated that they'd decided they were no longer interested in me. lol

But these ones are usually much easier to get over than the ones where there is a real attraction.

Hope this is true for you.

As for my current guy (by the way in the last post I meant I wake up thinking of him every morning not every moment. It's not every moment the way it once was.)

I've never actually met him so the physical attraction to him is of course all worked up in my imagination and the world we created together. I am helping myself by reminding myself about how much of this is my own wonderful imagination and not real. And this is true for people you've really met as well. So many of you can see all the faults of your crushes clearly when your not in obsessive mode but when you are your in the grip of your own clever imaginative creation about them. A good thing to remember is that isn't them. It's YOU!

I just thought of that this last month.

:)

[gingerwoman]

This situation has blown up in a really ugly way. He now knows I am a creepy stalker and it is all very depressing.

Don't feel like going into specifics because it's all too awful. :(

[violetloveheart]

I'm so glad i'm not the only person to get infatuated with people. I do it all the time with boyfriends and the intensity of my infatuation drives them away. But how can you stop yourself getting obsessed with someone? I'm current obsessing over an ex and its all consuming if i let it be.

[violetloveheart]

YUp same pattern here I get over one and then find another, but each one3 lasts years.

I consider my relationship with my husband "healthy love" seperate and superior to the obsessive love but if he knew how much time I spend on the obsessive love I know he'd be hurt.

But this time he has no idea. Doesn't even know the guy exists. I convinced him I was just obsessed with the message board.

Every single moment I wake up thinking about my obsession. Go to sleep thinking of him too, check his MySpace a lot during the day to see if other people have posted comments. Get jealous over his comments, even though I feel like I'm so much over him compared to how it was at one point.

You're in exactly the same situation as me right now. It's hard to break away from that obsession. I'm always checking my ex's myspace even though he has it set to private now (I believe that he's done that because of me).

[Tiger]

hi i also get very obsessedwith people as serious as getting cautioned to stay away.my obsession is with anyone mainly females.ive been threatened with police more times to mention.

i feel that i need attention 24/7 from that person and if shes not there i go mad i feel she should always be there for me, i know really thats wrong but i dont see that at the time im doing it.

you just need that person in your life.ive got very attached to this girl who i talk to on a help line i think ive fallen in love but shes married and very happy, i hate her husband for having her.silly i know but thats how intense i get ive never met her but i know shes special to me,i got told on friday she is leaving in a month im absolutaly gutted i was crying all day friday i was a wreck.i know in my head its wrong but i carnt deal with such strong emotions its hard.need advice what to do?

tiger

[gingerwoman]

you just need that person in your life.ive got very attached to this girl who i talk to on a help line i think ive fallen in love but shes married and very happy, i hate her husband for having her.silly i know but thats how intense i get ive never met her but i know shes special to me,i got told on friday she is leaving in a month im absolutaly gutted i was crying all day friday i was a wreck.i know in my head its wrong but i carnt deal with such strong emotions its hard.need advice what to do?

tiger