Obsessions With People

[trash]

im so glad ive read this thread, i felt like such a freak having all these obsessions with people...

i feel embarrassed about it though but its good to know im not alone.

im currently obsessed with someone [id rather not say - paranoia] and even though they have been so totally horrible to me in the past, i have convos in my head, and imagine all these scenarios that could happen, i constantly check up on this person on the social networking sites im on etc etc.

we are on ok terms now, but only because im obsessed with this person.

god, i really hate having to admit that =/

[Trace]

I'm pleased to say my obsessions with people, well those people that my emotionally take hostage is lessening. With therapy I've found the power is being gradually taken back...for short moments I sort of fall asleep and find myself about to act out like I use too, then I find there is no energy involved in that need now and I gradually realise that I am enought...I am everything I've alwasy wanted to be and can give myself what I was looking for in others....now I talk to people because I want too and not with some hidden agenda...adn the lying to people has almost stopped now...

[rebeccaborderline]

I lived in Crete when I was young, fit and pretty. I had no idea that I had any MH probs at that time; on the contrary, I thought I was pretty balanced...

I feel in lust with a Greek guy, Manoli; possibly the finest male specimen I have ever seen. It was soon clear that whilst he was a decent, hard-working fella, he wasnt the brightest.

But I became obsessed with him (Ive never told anybody about this before). We had a brief fling and split up, but I coulnd't get him out of my head. I kept thinking "I need to have sex with him just one more time".

It was a small town, we drank in the same bar. I started following him home, hoping he wouldnt see, but I just wanted to be near him. Sometimes he took "pity" on me, and we'd go in and have sex, but I was never allowed to stay. I lived a couple of miles outside town, and he wouldnt drive me home, I would have to walk at 3am. But I was happy, my skin had touched his.

Someone told me at the bar that they all knew I followed him; he'd leave and walk one way, then I'd leave and walk the other way and double round the back. They said they took bets on how many seconds it would take me to leave the bar after him; I would leave my drink, keys, purse in my need to go after him.

I knew where the keys to his room were; I started letting myself in when he was out, and waiting for him. Sometimes he'd throw me out, sometimes we had sex.

2 things made me stop.

I was waiting for him (again) in his room; he let me start having sex with him. I quite clearly smelt another woman on him, and challenged him. He laughed and admitted it. Until then I had kept the illusion that I "was the only one". To my shame, I slept with him anyway, I wanted him that much.

I went to let myself in another night. He had a Doberman, who normally was OK with me. But she'd just given birth and was in his room, and went crazy when I started opening the door, her puppies were in there. I was very drunk, but luckily I backed off. Im pretty sure she would have gone for me if I'd continued, she was a trained guard dog.

Finally I realised what I was doing. Debasing myself with a man who was very honest-he wasnt interested, but if I wanted to be screwed he would accept it, now and again.

So obsessed I was prepared to break and enter, drunk, and risk a mauling by a large dangerous dog just to be near him.

Ive never stalked anyone since.

reb

[denise24]

Hum, I dont no if this is the same or not, but i get obsessed with the opposite sex. I have a partner who I love to bits and wouldnt be without, but if I get the slightest bit of attention of a guy thats it! I obsess over him. Like txting him etc...... Its weird and I no I shouldnt do it but I cant help it :(

[kimik]

I'm talking 24/7 obsession.

yes. me. and it has been a HUGE problem for me and a HUGE source of loneliness and despair, embarrassment and confusion. it has also, on one occasion cost me a job. on another occasion, it cost me a normal relationship with one of my college professors (to whom i weepingly confessed that i was madly in love with him-- ON ADVICE FROM MY THEN-THERAPIST, BTW --) whom i badly needed to be in good standing with for future letters, participation in future classes and programs etc....

and, i will also share some good news: it does not happen to me anymore.

yes, this is one DBT symptom i seem to be cured of.

i still "crush out" on people, and i tend to be very romantic-minded and lovey dovey giddy, but no, no more obsessions.

good luck to you gingerwoman.... and to everyone....

Did you ask your T for your money back? What kind of T tells a student to go to their prof and tell them they are madly in love with them? maybe she thought if you told him you would somehow wake up to reality, I am not quite sure what her motive was here. Poor you Kimik. I hope one day you will look back on it and laugh. I bet secretly your prof is flattered that a student was in love with him. What happened, were you in later classes with him and did this affect your grades in a good or bad way or was he professional about it all?

hi icu baby... no, i didn't ask for my money back. it never occurred to me until recently that it was a bad suggestion. i just thought i handled it badly. but it turns out it would have been impossible to handle it well because it was just an absurd suggestion. it's so ironic too because i was totally prepared to keep it under wraps, i knew, KNEW it was completely inappropriate to disclose it, i mean it never even OCCURRED to me to do so because i just had that baseline understanding. and then one day (maybe she was sick of me talking about it constantly, non-stop obsessively and relentlessly in every minute of every single session!!!) my beloved (i also was in love with/obsessed with and worshipped this woman) my therapist was like, "have you thought about telling him? yeah, just tell him, hey, i have a big crush on you, and i hope i get over it and let's have a great year together in this program!" she basically coached me through it. when i went to him though i didn't say anything as detached and cool as that. that was the problem-- she didn't see how lost and sad i was in this obsession. she thought it was in some possible way a healthy crush. but i was coming from a much more desperate place emotionally and so when i revealed it, my desperation came through.

he was, luckily, amazingly kind, even saintly about it. which was why i loved him so, no doubt. he was just an unusually smart and sensitive person in that way. i finished the program with him and the other main department member, he read my thesis, spoke casually to me at various events, and years later was in touch with me via email once when i was back in the area. i didn't realize until recently what a stress it may have been to him actually. and my own depression and denial was so obscuring at the time i didn't realize just how pathetic and messed up i must have seemed. now when i look back though, it is clear, it must have been clear to him that i definitely had mental and emotional problems. to this day i greatly appreciate his tact and humanity.

thanks for asking about this, it was good to process it a little more.

[kimik]

I lived in Crete when I was young, fit and pretty. I had no idea that I had any MH probs at that time; on the contrary, I thought I was pretty balanced...

I feel in lust with a Greek guy, Manoli; possibly the finest male specimen I have ever seen. It was soon clear that whilst he was a decent, hard-working fella, he wasnt the brightest.

But I became obsessed with him (Ive never told anybody about this before). We had a brief fling and split up, but I coulnd't get him out of my head. I kept thinking "I need to have sex with him just one more time".

It was a small town, we drank in the same bar. I started following him home, hoping he wouldnt see, but I just wanted to be near him. Sometimes he took "pity" on me, and we'd go in and have sex, but I was never allowed to stay. I lived a couple of miles outside town, and he wouldnt drive me home, I would have to walk at 3am. But I was happy, my skin had touched his.

Someone told me at the bar that they all knew I followed him; he'd leave and walk one way, then I'd leave and walk the other way and double round the back. They said they took bets on how many seconds it would take me to leave the bar after him; I would leave my drink, keys, purse in my need to go after him.

I knew where the keys to his room were; I started letting myself in when he was out, and waiting for him. Sometimes he'd throw me out, sometimes we had sex.

2 things made me stop.

I was waiting for him (again) in his room; he let me start having sex with him. I quite clearly smelt another woman on him, and challenged him. He laughed and admitted it. Until then I had kept the illusion that I "was the only one". To my shame, I slept with him anyway, I wanted him that much.

I went to let myself in another night. He had a Doberman, who normally was OK with me. But she'd just given birth and was in his room, and went crazy when I started opening the door, her puppies were in there. I was very drunk, but luckily I backed off. Im pretty sure she would have gone for me if I'd continued, she was a trained guard dog.

Finally I realised what I was doing. Debasing myself with a man who was very honest-he wasnt interested, but if I wanted to be screwed he would accept it, now and again.

So obsessed I was prepared to break and enter, drunk, and risk a mauling by a large dangerous dog just to be near him.

Ive never stalked anyone since.

reb

interesting, i used to live in crete too and when i was there i was in love with a man named manolis, too. i knew i had MH problems then but i didn't know how bad they were. i thought they would go away "ANY DAY NOW!"

your story is very moving, and you're a good writer.

i have done similar things with men too (not with manolis... i never confessed my love for him. it was a secret obsession). debasing myself in such ways just for a few moments of paltry sensual fulfillment. mostly when i was a teenager. it shames me immensely to recall them.

[icu_baby]

[karowa]

Yeah..I used to be obsessed with my boss..i think it was more admiration though

I quit last September and still think about it

Though gradually fading away...I am trying not to adopt a nother one now

[icu_baby]

Yeah..I used to be obsessed with my boss..i think it was more admiration though

I quit last September and still think about it

Though gradually fading away...I am trying not to adopt a nother one now

I think that type of obsession is totally normal. Its when you start stalking someone is when its not normal.

[Rook98]

Obsession has to be one of the most predominant traits of BPD. It can be hard to learn any other way when the doctors are all hit & miss. No real social contact dispite a lifetime trying. It takes two to dance I'm standing here just listening to the band. If always unaccepted the outcast has to get by any way possible. That's just how life works. Nobody can will themselves to be like everyone else. It's just a vicious cycle.

It's better to turn off and simply exist since there's less pain and less disappointment.

It's that simple.

[icu_baby]

I dont think obession is a BPD otherwise it would be in the DSM bible. Put this topic on any other forum with non borderlines and you will pretty much get the same response.

[Mariposa]

I had an obsession with a teacher and a few celebrities. Luckily they all faded with time. I met the celebrity (whom I believed broke my heart) last year and I felt nothing. I had a tingle of excitement seeing their face but after that nothing. I wanted to be my teacher. I cherished every little thing she said to me outside class hours. Whether it was a comment on the weather or just saying “how are you?”. I wanted to be her friend and know everything about her. She was one of the first people in power who had shown simple acceptance towards me and that’s what initially started the obsession. I’ve seen her once or twice since I left school 6 years ago and my heart skips a beat but she no longer has a hold on me like she used to. I wasn’t able to speak to her, I got tongue-tied when she just looked at me.

[domino]

I had an obsession with a teacher and a few celebrities. Luckily they all faded with time. I met the celebrity (whom I believed broke my heart) last year and I felt nothing. I had a tingle of excitement seeing their face but after that nothing. I wanted to be my teacher. I cherished every little thing she said to me outside class hours. Whether it was a comment on the weather or just saying “how are you?”. I wanted to be her friend and know everything about her. She was one of the first people in power who had shown simple acceptance towards me and that’s what initially started the obsession. I’ve seen her once or twice since I left school 6 years ago and my heart skips a beat but she no longer has a hold on me like she used to. I wasn’t able to speak to her, I got tongue-tied when she just looked at me.

Jesus H Christ in a handbasket-Im home-I NEVER THOUGHT anyone else had this problem,until this moment...Wheew.What a relief,to finally find out im not alone after all.

I was diagnosed at 16 with BPD,thought the doctor was crazy.

Never paid it any mind for 23 more years of suffering. I have had a series of obsessions with other women (i'm a lesbian) for years. Even during having a relationship with someone else,entirely. To the point of cheating and ending a 5 year relationship.

I just got over one a few months ago.My last one lasted for 2.5 years. We are still very good friends actually.And i am ok as long as she doesn't call me baby,or show anything but friendship towards me. Helps too that she lives in another state now;I have never stalked anyone.Glad for that.

And still difficult not to try and find a replacement obsession object.

God bless us all-i am convinced there must be help,though therapy has never helped me.

[Mariposa]

Jesus H Christ in a handbasket-Im home-I NEVER THOUGHT anyone else had this problem,until this moment...Wheew.What a relief,to finally find out im not alone after all.

I was diagnosed at 16 with BPD,thought the doctor was crazy.

Never paid it any mind for 23 more years of suffering. I have had a series of obsessions with other women (i'm a lesbian) for years. Even during having a relationship with someone else,entirely. To the point of cheating and ending a 5 year relationship.

I just got over one a few months ago.My last one lasted for 2.5 years. We are still very good friends actually.And i am ok as long as she doesn't call me baby,or show anything but friendship towards me. Helps too that she lives in another state now;I have never stalked anyone.Glad for that.

And still difficult not to try and find a replacement obsession object.

God bless us all-i am convinced there must be help,though therapy has never helped me.

Glad I could be of help domino. I know exactly how you feel. I'm in a relationship right now and I've met someone else and they are driving me crazy. Women just drive me crazy in general I think! :P

[frannie]

I obsess about people too. I think it has to do with my feeling of isolation, which is sometimes real and sometimes imagined.

I also obsess about groups of people and am desperate to fit in.

It helps to know I am not alone.

[dolphin859]

ok i feel my obsession now is getting too much!!! Its getting to the stage where i don't want to go out on the town because i know there will be police officers there and possibly paramedics!! I feel transfixed too them and i don't know why even if i don't know there name or see what they look like, i want to be where they are!! If i hear a siren or see a police car i feel like im trying to look at it to see who's in the car to see whether its a male or female!! Whats wrong with me, why do i do this most people hate the police but i would rather walk around town outside the nightclubs watching them than be in the night club having fun!! Sometimes i think this was why i went missing so much and wandered around the streets when i was younger, it did take away the emotional pain as i was concentrating on not bein court but in a way i wanted them to find me, i wanted to follow them to see what was goin on and then after a while when town had quietened down about 3am in the morning i wanted them to find me and take me home because i was tired and cold!!! I've stopped doin this now as i know they wouldn't come lookin for me so quickly well they might do but they wouldn't have to take me home as im over 18 unless they thought i was in danger!!!

Why did i do this? why do i obssess over them?

Im so confused and frustrated!!!

[ann51]

ok i feel my obsession now is getting too much!!! Its getting to the stage where i don't want to go out on the town because i know there will be police officers there and possibly paramedics!! I feel transfixed too them and i don't know why even if i don't know there name or see what they look like, i want to be where they are!! If i hear a siren or see a police car i feel like im trying to look at it to see who's in the car to see whether its a male or female!! Whats wrong with me, why do i do this most people hate the police but i would rather walk around town outside the nightclubs watching them than be in the night club having fun!! Sometimes i think this was why i went missing so much and wandered around the streets when i was younger, it did take away the emotional pain as i was concentrating on not bein court but in a way i wanted them to find me, i wanted to follow them to see what was goin on and then after a while when town had quietened down about 3am in the morning i wanted them to find me and take me home because i was tired and cold!!! I've stopped doin this now as i know they wouldn't come lookin for me so quickly well they might do but they wouldn't have to take me home as im over 18 unless they thought i was in danger!!!

Why did i do this? why do i obssess over them?

Im so confused and frustrated!!!

I just found this forum today , and I am just so amazed that I've come across this thread which discusses experiences I intimately relate to. This obsession thing has been going on the majority of my life, and like some other people have posted, it's on people like therapists, teachers, guidance counselors. Now it's my current counselor...she's in my thoughts 24/7; I've looked her up on the internet; etc. It becomes so intense....almost tortuous...in fact, it does get tortuous. I'm better at handling the situations overall; in fact, I recently cut my sessions with her back. (Don't know if that was good or bad overall, but it was just too much emotionally). When I'm with her, I cannot look at her; I keep my head down; yesterday I actually pulled a jacket over my head because it was so hard to face her. This whole fixation thing has contributed....actually been the source of....much messed-up behavior on my part.

[Fairy]

I joined this forum a few days ago and have just come across this thread. Wow, I am amazed so many people feel the same, including me. I don't think I have ever tried to verbalize my non sexual obsessions with people. It started when I was about twelve and continues now I am in my thirties and happily married. Over the years their have been about seven or eight people. Some of them I didn't even like or respect, I just felt overly interested in them. I don't want their affection or attention, I don't want anything more than their image in my mind, I will give them the "right" personality for me, and then they are a comfort. I talk to them, sometimes I have two, like now, and they reflect back at me. I can separate who they are in reality, and who they are in my head. When I see the person I am obsessing about, I like to stare at them and am amazed they have no idea. Then they speak, and it's ruined, lol.

I think it is a comfort, a type of internal splitting. I see it as harmless for me so I make no attempt to stop.

Fairy xxx

[scrambled1]

I just found this post, i cant believe there are so many people do this too, i have always had this,

i thought it was just me so never mentioned it to my T,

scram xx

[gingerwoman]

I seem to be a lot better.

[Marah]

Does anyone else here get insanely fixated on people to the point where the object of your fixation dominantes you ever waking moment?

I have had this problem since I was a little girl. I would fixate on another girl in my class. It's more than a sexual or in love thing.

Absolute fixation.

Of course there were lots of lovers that I would fixate on. Usually I would fixate on one person for a number of years before the object of my fixation changed to someone else.

Now I am happily married (have been with hubby for 10 years) married for 12 and yet I am fixated with some guy on a message board and he is kind of a jerk and yet I am totally and utterly besotted with him and my emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster and if I think he is mad at me or he isn't sending me enough private messages I feel horrible ache.

I AM WELL AWARE that it is COMPLETELY insane and stupid but it won't go away.

Anyone else have anything like this kind of weirdness?

I'm talking 24/7 obsession.

Oh definitely.. that's a part of having BPD for many. It varies in degree for each person though.

Online a person has to be really careful.. while a lot of people don't comprehend it.. it's rather easy to get very attatched to a person online. Usually people that are chatting online are there because they are looking for someone that they can talk to for various reasons. A lot of what's going on today seems to be because a lot of people are just bored and sort of lonely and the net is an easy place to find a "friend". Having an online friend can easily turn into an obsession especially if the online friend evokes some sort of emotion in you... and BPD people are very vunerable to this sort of thing. Like at first it seems like that person REEEEEEEEALLY understands you, and they appreciate you..they might even tell you how great you are...and it definitely strokes the ego. Then it turns into possessiveness and habitiual. The person may not want you to go offline.. they may fien hysterics if you suggest you are going offline or won't be online for a while. And it all leads to you feeling guilty. You may start getting into arguements with the person or it's just them reeming you out all the time about things they think you are doing that they find unreasonable. And they always blame it on you. And when they do say sorry..it's always half hearted because they find a way for blaming you for the situtation.

I think you may want to consider talking with your husband. You said you are "HAPPILY" married. So I take it your husband is a good guy and would understand. I had a similiar problem with a gentleman online. This gentleman claimed he had developed a crush on me.. and have never "met" anyone like me. And he was very manipulative. At times kind of abusive.. like if I would try to get offline he would get very angry and say I was hurting him. He would tell me how I have this cushy life and he's there devastated with no one. He claimed I ripped his heart out and that I cast a spell over him. And he can't not talk to me. He could also be very rude and say things to hurt my feelings. And I would feel HORRIBLE. Like a little idiot, I would give more time and more time to him. It was causing me not to get things done that I really needed to do. I was staying up late at night and would be tired during the day. But I was scared to not get online as he might get angry with me and we would have some sort of arguement the next time we talked. I was sooo tired sometimes. Sometimes I would just risk him being mad and go to sleep. He and I would get into this arguements as if I owed him some explanations! Also we used to chat group together..that's how we met. And he would get angry if I chatted to any other man except for him online. He would tell me not to chat with any men and if I did and he found out he would reem me out about it. And it got so weird that at times I would get irritated if he spoke to other females in the chat. Until it dawned on me.. it's none of my business who this man chats with so why do I care. And it's none of his beeswax who I chat with either.. I am an adult and I pay my own net bill he doesn't!

I eventually told my husband about all of this and much to my amazement my husband already knew that I was getting connected to this guy. He said he had been worried about me staying up late, my irritability, my way of wanting to be alone online when I had never wanted to be before. He said he knew but was trying to give me some space to come to him when I was ready. My husband helped me see that this gentleman was manipulating me and was filling a void while he was at work. My husband works in a field where he had to sometimes work very long hours (thankfully he's now does something else for the company and no longer has to work extra long hours). And I am sort of a home body..so I really don't have a lot of friends. I get incredibly lonely sometimes. I met this guy online during one of those times when my husband had to work several extra hours for many weeks. I missed him sooooo much. My husband was always my obsession and since he was working so much.. it was gone. And I was devastated. And because he was gone so much I was irritated with him but I never said it to him.

My husband explained to me that I had only taken to this guy so much because I missed him when he was at work. Basically, that I was using the man to fill a void that I wished my husband could fill when he was working. My husband let me know that I can call him anytime I want while he's at work and HE will talk with me or he and I could email as he has internet access with the job he does and it mandatory for him to always keep a laptop with him. My husband now calls me during the day from work and emails me neat things and that helps. The solution my husband gave is not the end all be all because I feel guilty about bugging my husband at work. I don't call him as often as I should, but at least I have better control and know if I really need to that I can call him. And often times when the lonliness is to overwhelming and nothing else works.. I will call him. And just hearing my husband's voice makes me feel better. My husband has the kindest voice ever and it's very soothing! LOL!

Anyway.. so this might be something that you want to discuss with your spouse, someone that REALLY loves you and it's not based on an online fantasy game. The gentleman that you are speaking to online could have his own set of problems and may be trying to manipulate you. I am SURE that you have told him that you are married and if he's not respectful enough to be careful about what he says to a married women.. he really is no good for you at all. And I bet if you were his wife, he wouldn't allow it. It's not an easy thing to break but it's possible.

You have to try to focus your attention on something else. Like some sort of activity that expends energy or changes your focus. That's part of the problem with us BPD'ers. We get so lonely and crave that connection. But I know what we are supposed to do is find "self soothing" things to do.

For instance, do you like tv ? When I get lonely and I catch it, I pop in a favorite DVD and watch it to waste time until my hubby gets home. I love old tv shows and I have DVD sets of them.. and I just watch several hours of episodes. And it's usually a lot of comedy involved so it keeps my spirits up. Another thing I love to do is READ. I am a read-a-holic. I am ALWAYS reading a book. James Patterson novels are awesome! And James Patterson is ALWAYS writing so there will never be a time when you won't be able to purchase one of his books. Another author like that is Nora Roberts. She has TONS of books and is always writing and in the process of releasing a new one. So you can always get your hands on her books. And both of these authors write EXTREMELY well. And you WILL BE ENTERTAINED!

Another idea since it's clear you like the internet is to play online games. Yahoo has these games like Literati (it's sort of like Scrabble), this cool game that's like Pictionary where you draw and people in the room try to get what it is.. and you get points. Sometimes it's one man for himself and sometimes it's a Team game... it's a lot of fun. And it keeps you busy. You may even try taking a nap until your hubby comes home and tell him how lonely you were all day. Then ask could you and he do something fun. My husband understand how lonely I get so he comes home from work and always tries to get involved with me and he keeps close physical contact with me because he knows it soothes me. Like he will hold me when we sit on the couch or rub me on my back or give me a foot masssage. Sometimes I just lay on him. He often even comes in the kitchen with me when I am making dinner and he will sit at the table and talk to me while I am cooking so I won't be lonely.

Anyway.. I do TOTALLY understand where you are coming from.. I've been there sad to say. But it is possible to break free from it.. just so you know. And it doesn't make you a bad person at all. You are just trying to survive is all, and with BPD this sometimes comes with the territory. So don't feel to bad..and please consider talking to your husband.

[Marah]

Oh shucks.. it would have helped if I would have LOOKED to see this was an old thread.. I am replying as if this thread was just created this week or something! .. OPPS.. sorry all.. LOL!

[gingerwoman]

Oh shucks.. it would have helped if I would have LOOKED to see this was an old thread.. I am replying as if this thread was just created this week or something! .. OPPS.. sorry all.. LOL!

Well no. You don't have to be sorry. It's still an issue just not as strong as it was. And new people like to read this thread because so many people have these issues.

It sounds like the guy was acting more BPD than you though! I'm the one that has had the hangup on this guy. Since I left admining his board he really doesn't care about me at all anymore.

[Marah]

Well no. You don't have to be sorry. It's still an issue just not as strong as it was. And new people like to read this thread because so many people have these issues.

It sounds like the guy was acting more BPD than you though! I'm the one that has had the hangup on this guy. Since I left admining his board he really doesn't care about me at all anymore.

Thanks. I am glad to hear you are doing better with this issue.

LOL! I don't know if the guy had BPD but I know what you mean. I get it..guess I ran with what you said...

[gingerwoman]

Actually he's just sent me a REALLY nasty message out of the blue. Not sure what's up with that. I have to try and let it not crush me. It was about as nasty as you can get. Too nasty to post on this board.