Obsessions With People

[Marah]

Actually he's just sent me a REALLY nasty message out of the blue. Not sure what's up with that. I have to try and let it not crush me. It was about as nasty as you can get. Too nasty to post on this board.

Wow. Um .. I know it's TOTALLY none of my business.. but how come he keeps being nasty ???... what in the world is he saying that you are doing that is soooooo bad ? I don't get it. If you don't want to share..it's okay. But I just find him being so nasty as odd and I would like to understand what he's conveying to you ?

And how does your husband feel about this man speaking to you like this ...or have you not told him ?

[gingerwoman]

He wasn't saying I was doing anything bad. He was making ridiculous speculations about parts of my body. He's a misogynist. We were best friends for a year online running a message boards together and I was - I kind of hated him and adored him at the same time and then we had a huge fight and fought on the boards for about a year and then we made up and were friends again when I defended him against all these people and we were pming every day friendly and then he just randomly sent me hate mail. He said once to me that "mind games are awesome" so that's probably what he's trying to do. I'm brighter than him tho.

We met on a board that discusses reality TV so all these people are really into the mind games of reality television shows and it's just really sick and stupid.

[Marah]

He wasn't saying I was doing anything bad. He was making ridiculous speculations about parts of my body. He's a misogynist. We were best friends for a year online running a message boards together and I was - I kind of hated him and adored him at the same time and then we had a huge fight and fought on the boards for about a year and then we made up and were friends again when I defended him against all these people and we were pming every day friendly and then he just randomly sent me hate mail. He said once to me that "mind games are awesome" so that's probably what he's trying to do. I'm brighter than him tho.

We met on a board that discusses reality TV so all these people are really into the mind games of reality television shows and it's just really sick and stupid.

hmm.. so what's your husband say about all of this ?

[lookin4an3scape]

Hi. Hope nobody minds me replying in this thread. I didn't know other people felt this same way. I have obsessions too with people. It's never sexual and it's always with the same sex... it is usually been with mentors, RA's when I was at college, bosses... someone in some type of authority-- don't know why. Lately, it has been with my therapist. I have been keeping a journal lately and have noticed every page has something about her in it.

Usually I will do anything to keep this person happy... I will try to determine how they wish I was and then try to be that person. Once it was with an assistant pastor's wife... I changed everything about me so she would "like me"(how I acted, what school I went to, what I believed) and this lasted for a couple years. Or it's been with bosses where I would always get to work early, be willing to work through breaks, come in whenever they called, etc. It's been with teachers too.. I know I'm not that great at school so I will try to be the "dumb" student that they can reach and make a profound difference with. Right now it's with my therapist... so I know she wants me to learn these DBT skills so I am doing everything in my power to learn them as fast as I can so she will keep liking me. I am always thinking about these people... fantasies, what they may say, or think.

When I finally realize I can't be the "perfect image" and am going to let them down by being "me" then I usually cut all contact

I've never owned up to it until now... or even fully connected it before in my own mind but after reading what others have posted I have realized I am like this.

How come this isn't in any BPD research or classified as a symptom? It seems like it should be.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[walker]

surely it is?

with attachment and abandonment issues

feel similar but cant talk

[gingerwoman]

lookin what IS listed as a symptom (I think) is idealising and devaluing people.

I have had non sexual ones when I was younger but since puberty there's always been a sexual element. Now I feel really skeevy admitting this, but this one is very sexual for me. We used to cyber. So no my husband doesn't know specifically about this person but just that I went to message boards that I was obsessed about and often got upset.

Anyway I took the brave step of taking back my life and leaving the message boards and he hates me for that because it was OUR message board and if he'd done the same to me I'd hate him actually. I was hoping that when I left the message boards the obsession would die and it's much better, but not completely gone. His sending me nasty messages has triggered me a bit. I was fine when we were just exchanging the odd friendly pm. Well I'm still fine actually I don't feel that bad. A little scared that I will feel bad later but don't actually feel it. In fact it's like the other shoe finally dropped.

[mimi1227]

i do completely understand what all of u are saying. i would just like to find a way to cope with it. i have always obssessed over boys who have always endded up becoming my boyfriends.but unfortunately most of them were always people who eneded up hurting me.they were always boys who tried to destroy me even more...but the problems is the more they did that the more i obssessed about them.and i never could break up because just the thought that wouldnt love me anymore was so painful.i am doing again now...i broke up with my boyfriend with whom i was for one year a month ago and now i kin of started a new relation with a guy...and i am really obssesd with him.the problem is it is a very distant person and i only see him once a week or he texts only every couple days....which my friends tell me is normal for the begining of a relationship but i just cant rationalise...i will wait with my phone the whole day and feel completely devasteted if i dont hear of him...i will just hang on every day until the next time i see him.all my thoughts are over him.but on the same time i give him the feeling i dont care coz am scared he is just making fun of me and playing with me.the biggest problem is i will always take the identity of the person i obssess about...do everything just coz of this person and for him.for exemple now i know i am gonna be sad the whole week until next time i will see him.WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP THAT??

[gingerwoman]

It's very difficult but I think the trigger that causes it is that we were all abused in some ways by loved ones as children. By someone who was supposed to just love and care for us.

I have realized because my mother was loving and nutruing one day and violent and abusive the next I look for that in other people and become very hung up on them. Luckily my husband is better than that and never plays mind games.

I can't say exactly how you can stop but I found realizing that about my mother made my obsessions effect on me less powerful.

After his last attack on me though I feel free because he always used to play mind games doing some nasty and then saying I had been mistaken and over reacted to what he'd done making me feel guilty. Now I know for sure that he is just basically a psychopath and his niceness was all fake and that frees me. It was only thinking that he had a nice side that kept me hooked. He really doesn't.

[jscott24]

Its hard to describe my obsession. Just last night, I was at work, and I thought I saw my girlfriend drive by. I became anxious to the point to where I snuck off from work to go see if she was home so I could see her.. I almost lost my job..

[gingerwoman]

^ack that sounds really bad. You'll scare her off if your not careful.

[jscott24]

Yeah, I know Ginger, and I don't want that.. But I can't control it. I'm new to this whole BPD thing. I feel like I'm losing my livelyhood. My friends diminished, my relationship with my dad is thinning, and my relationship with my girlfriend is rocky. See? I obsess over her, and all of the bad things that have been happening. I wish I could stop it...

[gingerwoman]

Yeah, I know Ginger, and I don't want that.. But I can't control it. I'm new to this whole BPD thing. I feel like I'm losing my livelyhood. My friends diminished, my relationship with my dad is thinning, and my relationship with my girlfriend is rocky. See? I obsess over her, and all of the bad things that have been happening. I wish I could stop it...

Yeah sorry I was worried that that last comment might have sounded harsh. I feel for you I really do. I know what's it like to want to stop so badly and feel like you can't, but I feel OK right now. It comes and goes doesn't it? And this thread has shown how common the problem is. I think it's all a result of a child abuse. I have to advise you to hide your obsession from her with every bit of strength you have. And I don't mean don't show her love, but just try to hide the abnormal bits to the best of your ability.

I realised for me it is caused by my mother being very affectionate and loving one day and extremely violent and physically and verbally abusive the next. The people I obsess over tend to be changeable like that, though at least none of them have done the physical thing only the verbal thing so I have that much self preservation.

[jscott24]

Yeah, I know Ginger, and I don't want that.. But I can't control it. I'm new to this whole BPD thing. I feel like I'm losing my livelyhood. My friends diminished, my relationship with my dad is thinning, and my relationship with my girlfriend is rocky. See? I obsess over her, and all of the bad things that have been happening. I wish I could stop it...

Yeah sorry I was worried that that last comment might have sounded harsh. I feel for you I really do. I know what's it like to want to stop so badly and feel like you can't, but I feel OK right now. It comes and goes doesn't it? And this thread has shown how common the problem is. I think it's all a result of a child abuse. I have to advise you to hide your obsession from her with every bit of strength you have. And I don't mean don't show her love, but just try to hide the abnormal bits to the best of your ability.

I realised for me it is caused by my mother being very affectionate and loving one day and extremely violent and physically and verbally abusive the next. The people I obsess over tend to be changeable like that, though at least none of them have done the physical thing only the verbal thing so I have that much self preservation.

No, it wasn't harsh, its just the reality of the comment that struck me. And what I said about my relationship being rocky, it really isn't. Its great, actually. Its just the irrational fears and churning thoughts keep getting in the way that makes me feel like that sometimes. I guess I can say that I feel okay right now. And yes, it really does come and go. Like sometimes its a matter of minutes and other times its a matter of days or weeks or months even. Its wierd that you said that you think this disorder stems from (but not directly from) child abuse. I was abused as a child. Mentally, verbally, physically, and emotionally. Some guy my mom married. He has six kids of his own, and I was NOT the favorite. I usually caught the short end of what the other kids did to screw up. I do try to hide the negative emotions from her the best I can, but when she can tell that something is really wrong, I feel like I have to sit her down and try to help her understand just what it is that I, myself, don't. And that is what I'm feeling.. I'm glad that I have the support that I do from her, you and the rest of the people that are close to me. I know that deep inside I am a gentle, kind, caring person. But I am so caught up in all of these mixed emotions that I can't really distinguish the real me. I don't even really know if I am here right now typing this message. I've been shaking and nervous for the past few days, and it feels like there's something trying to rip its way out of me. I don't know if you or anybody else that might read this watches anything on Youtube, but there's a video on that site called "what borderline personality disorder feels like (trigger)". Its truly beautiful. I relate to that video so much its unreal. Its healing. Just go to www.youtube.com and search borderline personality disorder, if you'd like to watch it. Thank you so much Ginger for your kind words and advice. Its very touching how someone that I don't even know can help a stranger just to help them. You are a good person, I'm sure of it. When things like that happen, I get a glimpse of what "okay" feels like, and it renews my hope. :)

[gingerwoman]

Yeah, I know Ginger, and I don't want that.. But I can't control it. I'm new to this whole BPD thing. I feel like I'm losing my livelyhood. My friends diminished, my relationship with my dad is thinning, and my relationship with my girlfriend is rocky. See? I obsess over her, and all of the bad things that have been happening. I wish I could stop it...

Yeah sorry I was worried that that last comment might have sounded harsh. I feel for you I really do. I know what's it like to want to stop so badly and feel like you can't, but I feel OK right now. It comes and goes doesn't it? And this thread has shown how common the problem is. I think it's all a result of a child abuse. I have to advise you to hide your obsession from her with every bit of strength you have. And I don't mean don't show her love, but just try to hide the abnormal bits to the best of your ability.

I realised for me it is caused by my mother being very affectionate and loving one day and extremely violent and physically and verbally abusive the next. The people I obsess over tend to be changeable like that, though at least none of them have done the physical thing only the verbal thing so I have that much self preservation.

Thanks very much. lol

And I didn't mean you shouldn't share some feelings with her. She probably enjoys that. I just meant hide the being completely obsessed with her and paranoid part because otherwise you could lose her.

No, it wasn't harsh, its just the reality of the comment that struck me. And what I said about my relationship being rocky, it really isn't. Its great, actually. Its just the irrational fears and churning thoughts keep getting in the way that makes me feel like that sometimes. I guess I can say that I feel okay right now. And yes, it really does come and go. Like sometimes its a matter of minutes and other times its a matter of days or weeks or months even. Its wierd that you said that you think this disorder stems from (but not directly from) child abuse. I was abused as a child. Mentally, verbally, physically, and emotionally. Some guy my mom married. He has six kids of his own, and I was NOT the favorite. I usually caught the short end of what the other kids did to screw up. I do try to hide the negative emotions from her the best I can, but when she can tell that something is really wrong, I feel like I have to sit her down and try to help her understand just what it is that I, myself, don't. And that is what I'm feeling.. I'm glad that I have the support that I do from her, you and the rest of the people that are close to me. I know that deep inside I am a gentle, kind, caring person. But I am so caught up in all of these mixed emotions that I can't really distinguish the real me. I don't even really know if I am here right now typing this message. I've been shaking and nervous for the past few days, and it feels like there's something trying to rip its way out of me. I don't know if you or anybody else that might read this watches anything on Youtube, but there's a video on that site called "what borderline personality disorder feels like (trigger)". Its truly beautiful. I relate to that video so much its unreal. Its healing. Just go to www.youtube.com and search borderline personality disorder, if you'd like to watch it. Thank you so much Ginger for your kind words and advice. Its very touching how someone that I don't even know can help a stranger just to help them. You are a good person, I'm sure of it. When things like that happen, I get a glimpse of what "okay" feels like, and it renews my hope.

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Hmm, mixed feelings about this topic, as i thought i was honestly the only one to experience this... And, though it is somewhat comforting to know i am not, it is also awful to know there are so many others going through it too.

I have become completely fixated on many people in my life, and also to the extent of a character in a book or a movie or a program.. i find myself sitting lost in thought, in these conversations and situations with these people, and i can be gone in that world for hours and hours on end. It has gone on for as long as i can remember...

Recently had some sort of a miniature breakdown infront of my mom, (i'm 17 and living at hers) after she pulled me up about the fact that i had just sat in my room for nearly two whole days without moving, just staring at the wall, completely lost in this conversation i was having with my latest obsession..

And she decided to scream at me that i need to get my OWN life and stop living vicariously through all of these other people - friends, family, strangers, celebrities, fictional characters... It goes on and on and i can't seem to stop it. It's not as though i dont know it happens, just, in the moment, i have no awareness of anything else, anything going on around me, my only focus is this person.. And, well, its horrible.

It has involved lengthy letters and emails being looped back to my address after trying to send mail to about 3 dozen different people who, basically, would not read 2 words from me, unless i was suddenly and miraculously some A-list celeb with a big fat bank balance and the latest prada whatever.

It has ruined relationships, both friends and what few boyfriends i have had, because i simply lose all interest in anything and anyone who is not this particular person.

[gingerwoman]

^Yup sounds exactly like different times of my life. My mother would thrash me if she caught me talking to myself in my room which I wouldn't even realise I was doing. It wasn't like psychosis, I knew what was real and what wasn't but my imagination was so intense that I would lose track of everything but the intensity of the imaginary conversation with my interest.When I was 14 I was obsessed with a TV programme and would spend hours making up episodes of it in my head with me as one of the characters along with the other real characters. That was so f***ing weird when I was 14, but now I see the fan fiction phenomena and have to smile because it's obviously less weird than my friends thought at the time.

[CrippleAndStarfish]

^Yup sounds exactly like different times of my life. My mother would thrash me if she caught me talking to myself in my room which I wouldn't even realise I was doing. It wasn't like psychosis, I knew what was real and what wasn't but my imagination was so intense that I would lose track of everything but the intensity of the imaginary conversation with my interest.When I was 14 I was obsessed with a TV programme and would spend hours making up episodes of it in my head with me as one of the characters along with the other real characters. That was so f***ing weird when I was 14, but now I see the fan fiction phenomena and have to smile because it's obviously less weird than my friends thought at the time.

I used to do exactly the same thing with the tv shows!!! Oh, gosh..

Being on this forum is so strange for me...

There are so many people who are going through or have gone through the same or similar things to me, and it is so great in one breath to know i am not alone, but in the next breath i feel, guilty i guess, but not sure why... I think it's because i feel as though i'm taking something from other's experiences and passing them as my own, even though i know that is not the case, and also, i feel so deeply for others who are or were in a similar situation to me, because i know how much it hurts.

It's a very strange one. Very strange indeed. Do any of you feel this way??

Jai (CrippleAnd...)

[addawn]

It might sound weird but I'm like that with some shows that I watch(some anime, lame I know). I'm not like obsessed with the tv show itself its more like obsessed with the characters and their personalities. Everything has its own course in a TV show everyone has a role and sometimes the characters are just so amazing I wish I lived in that world and at times I truly believe that they are real. I fantasize about being friends with the characters giving myself a background story and a name and rewriting episodes to include myself(all done in my head). Then, when I have to watch the final episode I usually cry and feel so empty and lonely because my fantasy is over. THAT PROBABLY SOUNDS SOOOOO WEIRD haha.

P.S. now I just went back and read a similar post so I guess I'm not so weird!! haha

[addawn]

Today something bad happened. I was driving while simultaneously doing the obsessive daydreaming thing, about a real person not cartoon but yeah making up conversations in my head and so on. I must have cut off some old lady when I pulled out of a stop sign not paying attention because she beeped her horn and followed me all the way to my house! I felt so stupid because she waited at the end of my driveway and what was I going to say, "oh sorry I nearly ran you off the road I was having an intense conversation with my love interest" so I just ran inside and she drove away and now I'm praying she doesn't call the police. It freaked me out and I just felt like the most hated person in the world like how stupid am I to not be able to drive a car! It's not the first time I've done something like that. I had to go to sleep for 6 hours to make myself stop thinking about it.

please excuse any bad grammar or punctuation in there I'm not in the mood to write proper

[gingerwoman]

I've actually done that kind of thing lots of times. I think. I'm not even sure. Anyway she had no right to follow you to your house.

I had some one kick and punch the side of my car because I did that. That time I kind of had a good reason because I had just been to see my dying mother so that's what I was thinking about.

People get really angry because they think I do it on purpose to be an a*** h**** but I don't.

If she calls the police they aren't going to care about something like that. There has to be an accident for them to care.

[llanark]

Hi everyone, hope you are all keeping well, at least as your fluctuating moods allow. Ive been lurking around here for a few days, so i thought this might be an appropriate place to make my first post . Ive experienced so many feelings of empathy reading the posts that its helped me understand a little bit more about myself, at least while i have the power to do so. Yeah, i kind of had to learn a lot of behaviour that i think most people take for granted. For instance, when i feel shitty or worse nothing, i adopt a neutral personality, if you get me. Just to conceal the stormy waters just underneath. And i personally think this may help to explain the attachments. You know, if only i could find the true me, the person inside the modulating psychological skin, then everything would be perfect. But then, maybe minutes, hours, days later, it seems like a forlong daydream. Then all shades of everything conflict and you just feel lost again. I think, personally at least, fantasies are a safe way to enjoy this authentic intimacy that we all strive for. Except, of course, it is the most ersatz thing imaginable. Also, i tend to be able to read people in a way that can be construed as both sinister and sensitive. I kind of find peoples weaknesses out fairly quickly, searching for someone that is as weird as me (or, i admit, a place to attack if i feel cornered. sigh....) This, though, would be a disaster for all concerned. Im just beginning to accept the scope of the BPD definition, initiated by feelings of shame for some of the things that i have done out of self-defence, inadvertantly but assuredly hurting others in the process. The obsession thing is understandable when you consider what the individual's brain does to him/her on a regular basis.

This place really is brilliant, and given how volatile BPDs are, surprising calm lol, kind of like a refuge. Just writing like this can help ease the discomfort.

[llanark]

It might sound weird but I'm like that with some shows that I watch(some anime, lame I know). I'm not like obsessed with the tv show itself its more like obsessed with the characters and their personalities. Everything has its own course in a TV show everyone has a role and sometimes the characters are just so amazing I wish I lived in that world and at times I truly believe that they are real. I fantasize about being friends with the characters giving myself a background story and a name and rewriting episodes to include myself(all done in my head). Then, when I have to watch the final episode I usually cry and feel so empty and lonely because my fantasy is over. THAT PROBABLY SOUNDS SOOOOO WEIRD haha.

P.S. now I just went back and read a similar post so I guess I'm not so weird!! haha

Heh, am experiencing the same thing with virtually every character in Six Feet Under, from the mother to Nate. Though sadly im probably most like russell... I find myself being totally immersed in these things too. When i can, i read alot, and probably look more for the psychological motivations of the author than the plot itself lol. When i feel like im a total freak, at least ill know that there are others out there 'oD

[Crackers]

I haven't read all 8 pages of comments as i'm simply too tired but im going to assume that most of them contained the same reaction that i'm about to give.

OMG!!! I thought i was the only one who had crazy fixations with people! Looking back at some of the things i did to get the attention of the people i became obsessed with i am so ashamed, and i find it hard to accept that i actually did some of the things i did. It's something i have never spoken openly about, and i am so glad that i have finally found a place where i dont feel utterly insane doing so.

My fixations have always started when somebody has shown me compassion and sincerity, when they have truley been concerned about me, and have tried to help, and every time i kept going back for more. Everything I do i'm thinking, how can i twist this to make the particular person pay me more attention? I think it comes down to the fact that my parents found it so hard to accept that i was ill, they were confused and didnt know how to handle it, and when they tried they got it completely wrong, and i dont blame them for this, as it must be hard for any parent to accept that their child is finding life such a difficulty, but as a result i think im trying to replace the affection i though i would have recieved from them with affection and concern from other people; teachers, coucillors, etc.

I wish i could stop doing it, and I try so hard not to, and i suppose it has subsided a little, but not enough. It physically drains me sometimes as i can't sleep, i'm constantly going over and over hypothetical situations and converstations in my mind, knowing that they are nevr going to occur.

I have not been diagnosed with BPD, but perhaps it's a feature of my constant dissociation, but the common link seems to be (as someone mentioned earier) that the majority of us have suffered some sort of abuse (though in my case i suppose it wasn't abuse as such, more the unfullfillment of my emotional needs by my parents).

It's nice to know that i'm not the only one!

Rach x

[Crackers]

Wow! I feel so liberated having just written that. I was something i never ever thought i would get the chance to do. I'm so happy and relieved i could acutually cry, its as if a massive weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.

[addawn]

I don't know if this goes along with the obsession thing for anyone...

I can be completely obsessed with someone, think of them all day every day fantasize about them dream about them but then if the person tries to get close to me I'm kind of like "well what do I do now?" It's like I'd rather have the person as an obsession than have the person in my life for real. Right now there is a guy that I was obsessed with for over a year. We had hung out a few times in group settings because we had mutual friends but we never said more than a few words to each other. Every time I saw him I was hypnotized. I loved listening to him talk. I had finally sort of had him at the back of my mind when I finally saw him again for the first time in about a year. We started talking and within a few weeks he wanted to date me and it sort of freaked me out because he was just this distant object that I held onto and it's almost like I don't want to lose that connection even though it isn't a real connection... Or maybe it's just too real for me and I don't want him to know how I really am. So he's been leaving me text messages and I don't return his calls because I don't want him to find out that I'm really a bad person I'm thinking of just telling him about the BPD and if it doesn't scare him off then I'll take things to the next level. I'm just so confused.