Obsessions With People

[gingerwoman]

Thank you bjw.

[k11]

Im amazed at all these posts. I obsess, sometimes extremely severely, but up until a few days ago I would never have thought about it as being part of an illness, but now Ihve heard of bpd, Im starting to wonder. Spending hours and hours playing conversations in my head, being emotionally wrecked by the tiniest thing like someone not texting me or speaking to me... going from obsession to hate and back again, total oversensitivity to anything and everything to do eith the person. I though this was normal but I guess its not. Im not sure what the difference is between obsession and love. hmm. Confusing. Not even sure if im ill. Must be. Dont know. Hmm.

[Rook98]

I'm currently wrestling with continual thoughts of someone from my distant past. However, I do resent the phrase "insanely fixated" as it only contributes to the stereotype of persons with mental illness unless it's meant to be humerous in which case I'm an ass).

My someone is from about 23 years ago when I had a 2+ year crush on her. Even called her back then to tel her I like her only to get the response, "So?". Now I'm thinking about her most the day; not in a love or sexual way bit for some reason I genuinely care if she's alright and not unhappy with life. Every day I sit here in limbo trying to think of a way to talk with her for a few minutes without scaring her. In today's world I'd be labeled a stalker for even contacting someone once. So I weigh the pros and cons of my situation and try to keep myself from taking any action that would cause anyone negative feelings. I'm trying to forgat but that's not going ot happen any time soon. Eventually I may get tired of this pattern and the angst will let up.

It's a feeling of concern with someone else, not insanely fixated.

[Trishy]

Wow, I so do this. I play an RPG online, and often get into romantic involvements with other people through my characters, and then find myself completely obsessed with them. I want to play in game with them every minute, and talk to them when I'm not, and if they don't send me friendly enough tells I start wondering if they don't like me anymore, are they talking to someone else, they must not want to play with me anymore, etc. I know it's excessive, but I make excuses for myself. It's to the point where I'm thinking I should just stop playing the game anymore, as even though I do obsess about romantic partners in my real life too, it doesn't seem to get as extreme as those in game. But even if I know this, a kind of panic sets in if I think about leaving that environment and not gaming anymore, as a part of me really enjoys having someone to think about constantly, etc. I feel lonely when I don't have an object of obsession.

I can relate to the keeping yourself awake to think about the person, and also if I do go out with other friends, etc., I feel like I need to get home as soon as possible to try to reconnect with my obsession, or just hang out online so I'm there when they get there. I get upset if I think I might miss a chance to be with them. Gah..it sounds a lot crazier to write it down.

Glad I'm not the only one though, it gives me strength to look at it seriously and realize I need to tone it down some.

Thanks for sharing everyone.

[spunky]

I also have the whole obessions thing! It drives me out of my mind! It has me so confused on what is real that

I am almost considering divorce. Divorce to the most wonderful man who has stood by my side through all of my

crazy, manic episodes, mood swings, and personailty changes. And the problem is my BEST FRIEND. Who also has BPD

and is obessed with me. Our friendship has turned from best friends to this crazy bi-curious obession for both of us

and I'm not sure what to do! I have NO one to talk to about this and I really feel like my life is spinning out of control.

I feel like I love both of them for different reasons. When I can't be with her, she guilts me so bad and makes me feel so bad.

She needs my attention all the time. We are CONSTANTLY texting at home, work, driving ...ALL the time!!! I have no control over my own life. I want to be "well" and really try to stop this, but I don't know how! I want to work things out with my husband and have my life back, but it will kill her. She is not a stable person, and I could not live with her threatening anything. She does not have many friends other than me, I just can NOT hurt her. I don't need anymore guilt or hurt in my life!!!!!

J

[gingerwoman]

Trishy I so relate to you because of my love/sexual obsession with this message guy.

And Spunky that sounds really worrying. Don't get a divorce.

[loulou1330]

(((Ginger)))

You know, you are probably making yourself worse by keep trying not to make too much of this and end up doing the opposite (just a thought)

Personally, I wish I was more like you in this respect, at least you have been able to identify a connection that has become 'obsessive'. Often there is no hope of a cure when unwilling to admit the extremes of our feelings which has happened to me on many an occasion. Too many times I have been told that what I thought were strong connections from my side have had to be pointed out that in fact I was completely obsessed by a person.

A little side note, this also happens with objects for me too.

Anyhow, hope my comments don't make you feel worse and help you know you are well over half way to recovery/reality over this as you have acknowledged the possibility of extreme obsession.

Take care of yourself, x

[k11]

Its funny, since reading this topic about obsessions with people, ive really started to be aware of how bad mine are. Mines kicked in badly today. Gone from hating them for not talking to me and then loving them for talking to me in one afternoon. Its like theres a big hook in my mind, and im totally caught on it. It hurts too. I realise now that this isn't too normal. I generate all these thoughts and conversations in my head, thinking the person hates me, why they hate me, why they don't talk to me etc. I also feel very bad. I don't let any of this on, but she doesn't deserve these kind of thoguhts and feelings.

[bjw]

The most painful part of my last obsession is I know that I will never see the person again or speak with them again and I never know when something is going to trigger my feelings. Whether its something I see or hear or simply when I'm laying down and start obsessing about it. Its mental torture and I just wish there was some easy way to deal with it. Thankfully, she doesn't have a common name so I won't be hearing it very often, but other things trigger my obsessive thoughts. The loneliness is terribe too and its hard for me to enjoy anything anymore. I'm just hoping through all the therapy I will eventually come to some way to deal with it.

[gingerwoman]

I read Dr Amen's books that show the different patterns of maladaptive brains. He talks about a part of the brain called the cingulet. A part of the brain involved in obsessive thinking. There also seems to be evidence that childhood trama can actually change the structure of the brain. I'm begining to think that is why we have this problem. That it is linked to our relationship with one of our parents, the abuser. That this is why we develop these obsessions trying to get from this person what we missed from the abusive parent.

[sunshine_bear]

omg thankyou for starting this topic

doormouse - i do the imaginary conversations and situations thing too. i can lose so much of my time to just daydreaming, its scary.

Oh my god thankyou for starting this topic. I do the same squirreal. Im like it with teachers or tutors that I have had in the past. That have tried to help me. But for me its teachers or tutors very rarely anyone else.

thankyou so much I thought it was just me that im an insane freak!

thankyou

sunshinex

[laura_25]

Has been really interesting to read this topic, and am relieved that i'm not alone with this! My obsessions have always been with men who are much older than me maybe 35-45, similarly to other posts they've been teachers, doctors, lecturers etc. It's never been a sexual thing though. Although i'm happily married I have a current obsession with a guy from my church. He's also married with a kid which makes me really jealous even though I would never want to be married to him - not very logical I know! I got to know him at church and started to tell him a bit about what i'm going through and he was so kind to me at first. Then I kept texting and e-mailing wanting to talk to him, which started to freak him out a bit. I told him I was feeling suicidal at one point and than I got a phone call from my Pastor saying that I should be speaking to my own husband and that it was inappropriate to keep calling this guy. I was absolutely devastated and ended up taking an overdose. I still e-mail this guy occasionally - he never replies. I don't know why I do it, I know it's so stupid. I don't even go to church any more to avoid him.

I'm sure I sound like a right stalker but I don't mean to be like that with people, I just find it hard to control my actions when I get obsessed.

Laura x

[Sphacelate]

so now that all of us know about our obsessive thinking, what are we do to?

[gingerwoman]

lol :(

[orlath]

Yep - add me to the list please! I'm currently obsessing about two different people. Never done that before. And it very tiring.

A little part of me is always able to be distanced and logical about the whole thing. That part of me seems to have a little grip on reality for it tells me that the obsessions are things I've created all by myself and mean nothing. I am able to step back just a tiny bit and tell myself that all the 'meaningful glances' and suchlike are in fact completely meaningLESS and are just things I am inventing in order to fuel the obsessions.

On the other hand, a much larger part of me is totally immersed in the obsessions - having imaginary conversations, daydreaming various scenarios, placing meanings on the tiniest of gestures, instigating contact of various kinds....all the usual kind of stuff.

The thing is, because there are aspects of the obsessions that temporarily fulfill various needs that I have, in all kinds of ways that are emotionally intense and both physically and mentally stimulating, it is very hard to voluntarily put and end to the obsessing. When I give myself over to the obsession and manage to silence the 'sensible' side of me for a little while, it really is like fantasy becoming reality - life seems brighter, more exciting, full of mystery and possibility - like living in a film or a novel.

The types of people I obsess over are various. When I was in my early 20s it was mainly authority figures (of either gender). Nowdays (in my late 30s), it seems completely random. Males, females, actors, novelists, film characters (as opposed to the actors actually playing the characters), and people I encounter in the 'real' life. It seems that anyone is a potential target!

Sometimes they are 'nice' people, sometimes they are people from the 'darker' side of life. There seems to be no pattern EXCEPT that there is always, without fail, a strong sexual element to the obsession. I never wish to marry or have kids with the person, I never want to live happily ever after with them (despite wanting to be inside their clothes 24/7!)...it seems to be some kind of extreme need to connect with the person, mentally and physically in all ways possible and in the most extreme ways possible.

But to what end?! I've often thought what I would actually do if I could really interact with someone in this way - find out all about them, with them wanting to do exactly the same with me etc...and I really think that if I was able to do all of that until I had exhausted the obsession, there would be nothing left, and I would cast the person aside like an empty shell. Of course, as that's all theoretical, I've no idea if that is actually what would happen or not, its just a hunch.

Maybe the exact opposite would happen! Maybe if the object of my obsession was as equally obsessed about me, perhaps we would turn out to be soulmates and live happily ever after and all our emotional problems and needs would be met, perfectly. Who knows?!

I've done the obsessing thing for as long as I can remember and though I've tried to forcibly stop the obsessions by making lists of all the things I don't like about the person, and even trying to be annoying to that person so they won't like me, that has never worked and I just end up having to let the obsession run its course. Sometimes it lasts for a few weeks, sometimes months or years but so far, they have all stopped by themselves, as suddenly as they always seem to arrive.

What to do about them? I have no idea.

What do you all think triggers your obsessions in the first place? Do they come at times when you are feeling particularly insecure or unhappy with a specific aspect of ourselves/life in general/someone else? Do you even see the obsession arriving slowly or does it hit you, seemingly without warning? (The latter is true for me, always.)

I think I start to obsess about someone when I am going through a phase of feeling confident with myself because that always results in me wanting to connect with the world, forge lots of deep and meaningful relationships with people and do all those kinds of social things that 'normal' people do and which I have always found so terribly difficult, complicated, and upsetting. All of a sudden, it seems that a little cloud moves aside and I think 'hey, the world's not such a scary place after all, people are lovely, I am lovely, I want to saturate myself with people....' and then, of course, as I don't really have anyone to do this with, all those desires need to go somewhere so I end up heaping them all upon an object of obsession. I think maybe the obsession just tires itself out in the end, and it ends by me returning to my normal mind-state that says social contact is terrifying because at some point, everyone I get close to always goes away so what's the point of getting close in the first place...and then the cycle begins all over again.

[Devsar.]

I thought I was just weird. I've been obssessed with individual people ever since I was about 12, usually women. I always thought maybe it meant I was gay, and then I got really confused when I realised that I was most definately not straight. Right now I'm not sure what I am, I just know I'm not straight.

None of my obsessions have ever been sexual though, any fantasies I have about the people I get obssessed with have always involved me being related to them, either as their daughter or sister.

I've never been able to talk to anyone about this because I always thought they would think I was weird or that I fancied whoever it was I was obsessed with. It feels so great to know that it might be something to do with BPD and not that I'm a freak, well not as much of a freak as I thought I was.

Not sure who started this thread, but thank you so much, it's great to finally get that out of my head and confide in someone, even if I don't know any of you, I feel a little more calm knowing I've told someone.

THANK YOU

Sarah

[cherylbcool]

I'm having one of my bad days.

Some days I think I'm totally over him and I can go on and then a day like to day I do things to make him like me then I do stuff to annoy him and he gets really mad.

He's a very very passionate person in the way he posts and private messages so his messages when he is happy with me are

GOD I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and when he's mad

omg YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH WHEN YOU DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly these are the type of messages I get from him and for an emotically reactive person like me it just does my head in and we private message each other all day.

And the thing I did that pissed him off was pretty bad. I don't know why I did it.

Just cause I can't get enough attention from him to satisfy me.

I even got my husband to block the message board so I couldn't go there but then I begged him to unblock it again ugggggg!

i have obsesions too....all my life....luv them till they run away.....attack them if they wont come back........i think this relates to not having good mom....it left me lonely and alone.......so now i am trying to replace this missing maternal lov...which cant be done....im all grown up now.......i noticed a trait i have of trying to make mean people nice......i pick a mean boyfriend then try to make him a nice person......silly huh.....cuz all i wanted growing up was for my mom to be nice to me and luv me......but she didnt....and never will.......i have moved on to better things like getting myself better...heck with all the rest......i cant be in relationships till i get better....its lonely still but i have the insight to know that when im better i will be able to have deeper more meaningful relationships that go both ways.....not just me being obbsesed with them.....other people who are healthier in this area really dont care what other people are doing all the time because they are busy living thier lives.......a healthy relationship has space then closeness....not just closeness....i never saw a health relationship growing up....how would i know what one looks like.......i have had to work very hard in this area because we are social creatures....we die with no relationships....bpd incapacitates the brain from be able to be social so we have to learn what thy look like and practice our social skills......its hard cuz as a bpd person i didnt know obsession was my feeble attemps at relationships......relationships are not obsessions.....thats what i think.........i think....hahhahah

[bjw]

Has been really interesting to read this topic, and am relieved that i'm not alone with this! My obsessions have always been with men who are much older than me maybe 35-45, similarly to other posts they've been teachers, doctors, lecturers etc. It's never been a sexual thing though. Although i'm happily married I have a current obsession with a guy from my church. He's also married with a kid which makes me really jealous even though I would never want to be married to him - not very logical I know! I got to know him at church and started to tell him a bit about what i'm going through and he was so kind to me at first. Then I kept texting and e-mailing wanting to talk to him, which started to freak him out a bit. I told him I was feeling suicidal at one point and than I got a phone call from my Pastor saying that I should be speaking to my own husband and that it was inappropriate to keep calling this guy. I was absolutely devastated and ended up taking an overdose. I still e-mail this guy occasionally - he never replies. I don't know why I do it, I know it's so stupid. I don't even go to church any more to avoid him.

I'm sure I sound like a right stalker but I don't mean to be like that with people, I just find it hard to control my actions when I get obsessed.

Laura x

When this illness really starts to cause you problems is when it happens the other way around. My last obsession was with a girl I was tutoring, I am of legal age and she was just a few months shy of being 18. Therefore, legally something could have happened to me if she would have decided to level a false accusation against me. We were talking on the chat room to work on her schoolwork when she started getting more and more graphic and started keeping me on for a lot of hours. Looking back on it I can see that she knew I was getting hooked on the chats and she used that to manipulate me. I was in a management position at the store where she worked, and she started trying to get me to somehow get her a better position and better pay, and when she saw that I couldn't do it she abandoned me, and it was the worse trigger I have had in years. The sad thing is it took me months to figure out she was using me and it really came as a huge blow when I finally came to my senses.

Sometimes I find myself obsessing about it and I have to keep telling myself that the person I fell in love with was an illusion, a character this girl created and that the person I fell in love with doesn't really exist. She was only a character created by an evil manipulative person. Then again, like I said before, its hard for me to tell what's real anymore. I don't know if it's my perception that's the problem or if I am right. After years of loneliness it is just hard for me to tell who I can trust anymore. Note: edited by bjw for clarity

[flightlessdove]

I have lost so many friends and important people due to this

I dont think i will ever get over it?

Im crying now just reading these posts! - I thought it was just me.

This is tough for me to talk about, but i thought i'd be brave like everyone else, and post that i too obsess over many things.

I have been labeled many times as an "attention seeker" because of it and its actually far from what im doing.

I guess i dont need to explain.

Karina xxx

[bjw]

I have lost so many friends and important people due to this

I dont think i will ever get over it?

Im crying now just reading these posts! - I thought it was just me.

This is tough for me to talk about, but i thought i'd be brave like everyone else, and post that i too obsess over many things.

I have been labeled many times as an "attention seeker" because of it and its actually far from what im doing.

I guess i dont need to explain.

Karina xxx

I can identify with you here. This was the first thread that really managed to strike a nerve with me when I first joined the forum. However, my initial reaction was joy knowing that I wasn't the only person struggling with it. After spending so much time thinking you are "abnormal" it is refreshing to see that there are other people like you. I'm considering right now mustering up the courage to tell my story in the attention-seekers forum just to see what some of the other people suffering with BPD think of my situation. This is a wonderful board and its good to bring so many people with similar problems together.

[orlath]

Those are my feelings exactly. There are so many aspects of myself that I have quietly kept to myself as much as I can as I thought they were just things peculiar to me and things that were 'wrong' with me...now I find reassurance and solace that I'm not the only one and perhaps I am no so 'defective' after all

Mind you, it does then give rise to the question of what exactly is 'normal'?! The more people I encounter that behave and think in ways that are similar to my own, the more it makes me think that I am not actually 'weird' or that there is something 'wrong' with me or 'abnormal' with me....

I'm starting to downsize my idea of myself as being a freak, and instead think of myself as being 'curiously, and sometimes frustratingly, different'.

:D

[spunky]

I also have the whole obessions thing! It drives me out of my mind! It has me so confused on what is real that

I am almost considering divorce. Divorce to the most wonderful man who has stood by my side through all of my

crazy, manic episodes, mood swings, and personailty changes. And the problem is my BEST FRIEND. Who also has BPD

and is obessed with me. Our friendship has turned from best friends to this crazy bi-curious obession for both of us

and I'm not sure what to do! I have NO one to talk to about this and I really feel like my life is spinning out of control.

I feel like I love both of them for different reasons. When I can't be with her, she guilts me so bad and makes me feel so bad.

She needs my attention all the time. We are CONSTANTLY texting at home, work, driving ...ALL the time!!! I have no control over my own life. I want to be "well" and really try to stop this, but I don't know how! I want to work things out with my husband and have my life back, but it will kill her. She is not a stable person, and I could not live with her threatening anything. She does not have many friends other than me, I just can NOT hurt her. I don't need anymore guilt or hurt in my life!!!!!

J

ok that was my first post to this topic. Now I need some advice please!!! I have decided to try to make it work with my husband.

I need some advice telling my best friend that I need space and that our "relationship" needs to stop. By relationship I mean we have been fooling around. Keep in mind that she is also BPD and is totally obsessed with me also. She will not handle this well and I am scared for her. It kills me to do this but it has to be done. I can't live 2 lives anymore. If you know of a way for me to break it to her without sounding like a horrible person please tell me! Thanks so much!!!

[bjw]

Not to derail from spunky's situation, but I also need any advice anyone on here can give me. Its been a month now since my last obsession broke away from me. While in the back of my mind I know that what I fell in love with was a "character" she invented and that she was probably just using me the whole time, I still miss her intensely, and it drives me nuts. I really loved her and would have done anything for her. In my mind I sometimes daydream and wish she would suddenly decide to apologize and want to be my friend again, even though I know it will never happen. I've even had imaginary conversations with her. This girl seemed different from other girls I have liked in the past in that I felt like I always wanted to help her and I was just addicted to being around her and talking to her. I was totally crushed when she said she never wanted to see me again after using me for months. If she ever did approach me again and apologize I would take her back as a friend or more, even after all she did to me, because that's how much I cared about her. I just wish there was a way to get her off my mind. I see things that remind me of her or hear her favorite music and it drives me nuts. I've had to detach from other obsessions but none have ever hurt me this much or have been this bad. I just need a way to deal with this. Any advice would be appreciated. Oh, and I hope someone has advice for spunky's situation too. I can definitely identify with the emotions in that thread.

[gingerwoman]

Are you guys on medication at all? I find I'm better with this is I remember to take it every day and don't forget.

[gingerwoman]

And OMG what's going on with me is that I was getting over him and I stopped sending him so many personal messages when he said something rude about how many I was sending and had stopped replying to them.

So I was sending him one or none a day. At first it was really hard not to send more. Then I seemed to be over him and was not having trouble not sending him messages.

Then haha When i am no longer craving them he starts sending ME messages.

Including some sexy ones. lol