Ronni Posted April 20, 2007 Report Share Posted April 20, 2007 that's the reason I ended up here in the first place.....I couldn't tell you when the whole BPD thing began. I would have sworn this is just me. This is who I am. And for the most part I live a 'normal' life from the outside anyway. But when a relationship ends, well the obsessive bit kicks in.....I can't let go, even if the relationship is crap, to me it was loving and being loved and that's not something that happens to me very often....so I find it hard. I don't obsess about people i am not involved with, but when I am, i think about them all the time, even when they break it off.Usually what happens when a relationship ends is that I sprial into the darkest, dangerous depression such that it feels like my life is over....so I decided about 10 years ago I wasn't going to do any of the relationship thing again. And I was single all that time. But then i met my ex.We were together only about a year, but to me it felt like a lifetime, and when he broke it off I couldn't let go. I became obsesessed. I kept sending him emails.... Not horrid ones, just pathetic. 6 months ago, I got arrested for harassment. Ended up spending the night in a police cell which it has to be said was probably the most traumatic day of my life. I wasn't charged but i didn't stop and so I ended up being referred to the mental health services. And here I am 6 months later with the label [just a week old now] of BPD. They have been calling me bipolar for the last 3 months.For the last month I have been on medication, mood stabilisers for Bipolar. I haven't sent a single email. But I know I am going to be alone now for the rest of my life. I can't do that again. I just had my 40th birthday, 2 weeks later diagnosed with BPD. Not sure how that ties in with life begining at 40, sure wasn't what I had in mind. But I can certainly say I know obsessive. We split up 2 years ago. Thats a hell of a lot of emails. But nothing else, no threats, no abuse, no stalking, nothing like that. But for a while I was convinced I was crazy. But perhaps it does just come with the territory after all. From those needs that were never met and we don't know how to meet ourselves. Not at a point where I quite understand yet, and not sure I am ready to look at it too closely at the moment either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orlath Posted April 20, 2007 Report Share Posted April 20, 2007 I don't obsess about people i am not involved with, but when I am, i think about them all the time, even when they break it off.Hmm, I'm the opposite - I have never obsessed about anyone I am involved with, I always obsess about people I'm not involved with and my obsessions always arrive when I am already with someone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bjw Posted April 21, 2007 Report Share Posted April 21, 2007 Are you guys on medication at all? I find I'm better with this is I remember to take it every day and don't forget.Yep, a ton of it. Seroquel, Remeron, Depakote, Librax, and Norco. The meds help take the edge off but they don't take the pain away completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingerwoman Posted April 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 Sorry all this happened to you. You were arrested for sending too many emails? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bjw Posted April 22, 2007 Report Share Posted April 22, 2007 Sorry all this happened to you. You were arrested for sending too many emails?Here in the states this can actually be a serious crime if the other person is underage. Ronni, was that your case? In mine the other person was just a few months shy of being legal and I almost got trapped like this. Its definitely a scary situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orlath Posted May 9, 2007 Report Share Posted May 9, 2007 How to forcibly put an end to an obsession? Is that really possible, does anyone think? (Without doing something drastic such as moving house or whatever...)Is it best to try and let the thing fizzle out? This doesn't seem practical for sometimes they can last for YEARS and in the meantime, there are all the emotions that accompany them, that need to be dealt with.It has always been the case that consciously trying to find ingenious ways to 'distract' myself, to keep busy to the point that I do not have enough room in my thoughts to think about the person about whom I am obsessing, only serves to make me think about them even more! If I confide in one or two special people, and bore them to death with talk of my object of obsession, would it be possible to talk the obsession out of existence?How has everyone else dealt with this? :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingerwoman Posted May 10, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 If I confide in one or two special people, and bore them to death with talk of my object of obsession, would it be possible to talk the obsession out of existence?You guys all seem different to me in that with a lot of my obsessions I've been too obsessed not to tell all my friends and bore them out of existance and it just makes it worse.I think that must be why all my high school friends became psychologists and social workers. I think the only ones who would put up with me as a friend at high school were the girls destined for these occupations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orlath Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 If I confide in one or two special people, and bore them to death with talk of my object of obsession, would it be possible to talk the obsession out of existence?You guys all seem different to me in that with a lot of my obsessions I've been too obsessed not to tell all my friends and bore them out of existance and it just makes it worse.I think that must be why all my high school friends became psychologists and social workers. I think the only ones who would put up with me as a friend at high school were the girls destined for these occupations.In some ways, keeping the obsession all to myself makes it even more 'special'. I'm not sure that I really trust anyone enough to tell them though...sometimes I do but mostly I don't.But what difference would it make talking to someone about it anyway :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phinnaeusgage Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 omg thankyou for starting this topic doormouse - i do the imaginary conversations and situations thing too. i can lose so much of my time to just daydreaming, its scary.Oh my god thankyou for starting this topic. I do the same squirreal. Im like it with teachers or tutors that I have had in the past. That have tried to help me. But for me its teachers or tutors very rarely anyone else. thankyou so much I thought it was just me that im an insane freak!thankyousunshinexLike, all the fricking time..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 well, i can't relate to the ongoing stuff... i'm obsessed with getting better! which is good! i like to read as much as i can get my hands on that's helps me to understand what i am going through... my pdoc said i'm a bit obsessional about it.i am currently obsessed with a guy... it's been going on for two days... he gave me a cd, and he sang one of the songs in his singing lesson with me... and he's been texting and flirting with me. he changed his lesson time so he can drive me home once a week.i know you are the ONLY people who will genuinely understand this: i have been empty for almost a month now... i've tried everything.. and then, this hotty sings me a song in his lesson (was frickin amazing!)... and i have been listening to it over and over.. i had it on repeat all day - exhausted the batteries in my ipod.. put it on loop when i went to sleep last night.. it's like a security blanket.. the ultimate transitional object... a constant reminder that i am adored.he's really not helping the situation (let's blame him ha ha) coz he said "listen to track 11" and the lyrics are "i've got reservations about so many things, BUT NOT ABOUT YOU!" and i have just been dreaming about having another relationship where i have intimacy on tap and am dreaming about how i can keep his romantic idealism going so that he doesn't break up with me ever. i'm just relieved i realised what was going on! i need to wrench myself away from this guy! i'm seeing him saturday night at my birthday party! omg~this is scaring me... i seriously can't stop thinking about it!:S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose27 Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 ive distanced myself from my closest group of friends because of these issues, and resist any potential new friends, because i know that before long i will become fixated on them too, and start the intense good friend/bad friend stuff.i relate to the conversations in your head thing and can play out things in my head for long periods of time.it just fuels my anxiety and anger, and i usually end up venting my frustrations in other ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orlath Posted May 10, 2007 Report Share Posted May 10, 2007 ive distanced myself from my closest group of friends because of these issues, and resist any potential new friends, because i know that before long i will become fixated on them too, and start the intense good friend/bad friend stuff.i relate to the conversations in your head thing and can play out things in my head for long periods of time.it just fuels my anxiety and anger, and i usually end up venting my frustrations in other ways.I've been through the 'distancing myself' thing but for me this made things worse. I'd start to feel very negative and angry about everything and became even more afraid of people than I was before. And then I ended up having no friends and acquaintances at all, other than my partner - which I didn't feel was a very healthy situation to be in.So I've gradually started to try and make new friends but all the time, there is that knowledge that I might get fixated on one or more of them...and now it has happened all over again and I am totally besotted with someone. I know it is not love, I am fully aware that is an obsession but to be in possession of this intellectual knowledge about what the obsession is, does not seem to stop the extremely intense feelings that I have. And oh, they are such very compelling feelings - it is hard to want to try to give them up. A bit like giving up smoking when enjoy it - you know its doing you no good but you get so much out of it...!My current tactics are to go with the flow (in a restrained kind of way!) - I mean, I entertain my obsession but try very hard not to let it get to the stage where the person is fully aware of my obsession and they run for the hills and all kinds of other people end up getting hurt in the fallout. At least this way, it keeps me reasonably cheerful as I live out various fantasies in my exciting imaginary world...sure, I'm also frustrated etc., but its not as bad as when I used to try and deny that anything obsessive was happening.I don't know though - sometime days I feel a bit more in control about the obsession than others - but all the same, its very tiring having these imaginary conversations and thoughts all the time...and then when I actually meet the object of my obsession from time to time I have such an emotional roller coaster of a time - that too is exhausting.Sigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingerwoman Posted May 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 Orlath yes it is exhausting. I really relate. And it's such a giant time waster. All the imaginary conversations etc...Owl you're at that stage where you really need to do your best acting job and hide from him how obsessive you are feeling! Hide it!Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
transending Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 What is really scary?The love of my life Im sure is only obsessed with me and does not really love meNow THAT is the scary part of obsessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 Owl have a nice birthday party and I am sure it will be enhanced by your singing teacher there.Everyone else from the last few posts (I have cheated and not read the first 100 posts ) it's interesting how often the word or concept 'act' and 'work' has cropped up. We are not meant to be monoliths and have to practise putting on different hats. Looking back I think it sad if one has felt one had to pull out of relating for the next several decades. (In my case there were several reasons e.g stamina, but in general it is not that desirable)Distance needs to mean a millimetre, not a million miles. I.e get the issue slightly out of our face, but so we can still benefit if it has got good things about it.It's a classic trouble spot to combine art and romance but on the other hand - the world is full of paradoxes - some good romances have on occasion begun because she was nursing him or he was teaching her something. It may be of help to remember what goal you want romance to be for e.g marrying, and whether you can see good practical goals in the knight in shining armour and damsels thing like the 'chivalrous' of old.Song centres in a big big way on - yes the L word. Time and again I have had to talk my way out of being convinced a person from another country, of inappropriate age or gender, was not besotted on me from what they were saying - and I only bought their CD . The performing tradition is just that, and a mega good thing too.A better lesson giver will of course try to balance the benefit of demonstrating the song to you and having you spend some lesson time practising your own technique. You can always ask a fact-finding question about what proportion is planned for the lessons (make sure it doesn't sound pointed).Long live music!A good method may be, to get your thinking objective and two-sided before each time you meet.Some people are naturally warm in their outgoingness, and we are definitely meant to benefit from the artistically gifted demonstrating their skills. These things don't of itself mean anything out of the ordinary and yet they are a very good things anyway. Anything that keeps us out of our shells ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 I don't even go to church any more to avoid him.Laura, get back to church - very seriously - and practise balance. Give the guy a happy wave or nod - from a distance - and immediately switch to ignoring him. It's a good technique useful for many situations. Its sends good messages. If you don't spot him forget him. Think of reasons why you are going there. It's natural for church goers to think of new reasons why they are there, even if they haven't been through the obsession with a guy thing.You have made me think - I am in nearly the same situation.As to texts can phones be had without them, unsubscribe or something? Practise being stone age woman, if you wanted to say something to someone you walked for a day or you had to find a little kid that can run fast, with a stick with notches. One took time to look at the goals of the transaction in a global way. Such things should be done in a clunkier way than texting. I recommend first class post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samsung Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 transending.i am shure she loves you more than life itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted May 13, 2007 Report Share Posted May 13, 2007 Some people are naturally warm in their outgoingness, and we are definitely meant to benefit from the artistically gifted demonstrating their skills. These things don't of itself mean anything out of the ordinary and yet they are a very good things anyway. Anything that keeps us out of our shells ...hey miko,thanks for your reply!i think he might just be a warm friendly person. but, we'll find out when he gives me a lift home after his lesson tonight.i don't know if i was clear or not, but he is my singing student. i teach singing. how are you?Rachel :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingerwoman Posted May 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2007 There are certain types of warm friendly people who are dangerous to us intense types because we misinterpt their behaviour as being specially for us when they are really flirty with everyone. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orlath Posted May 14, 2007 Report Share Posted May 14, 2007 There are certain types of warm friendly people who are dangerous to us intense types because we misinterpt their behaviour as being specially for us when they are really flirty with everyone. I completely agree with this.In particular, I am certain that many of these naturally warm and friendly people - those who can be thought of as being genuinely charismatic (rather than being over-friendly with some kind of hidden agenda) - are not even being flirty in the first place - they are just being their natural warm selves but us 'intense types' (I like that phrase!) end up viewing that behaviour as being flirty encouragements aimed at us, and us alone. I DO keep trying to remind myself that if someone is being particularly nice or friendly to me, it is most likey not because I have suddently become extra-special to them; they have not decided out of the blue that I am their long-lost soulmate or something like that!If I see one of these people being friendly to others in exactly the same way that they are friendly towards me, I find that really difficult - I feel completely rejected - even though logically I know that it is my feelings and thoughts that are all mis-interpreted, and that it has nothing to do with the other person whatsoever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elle Posted May 17, 2007 Report Share Posted May 17, 2007 AHHHHHH! me too! i cant remember not having them. its never been sexual though. i dont understand it. its always been female teachers, tutors and stuff-recently its my doctor. i feel like a freak!these people take over my life and occupy my mind constantly. i invent relationships with them, conversations and whole scenarios, i draw everything back to the person and question what they would make of it all. id never tell them. but strangely i miss them constantly and crave them, but they make me so nervous and uncomfortable when with them. id be devastated if they left me or even got annoyed at me, im terrified my doc will leave me. what is this part of?? xoxCant believe it. I totally get this. The thought of losing these special people (always caring female professionals) brings me to absolute despair like I want to die and couldnt possibly live without them. It is so sad but deinietely a bpd thing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hauntme Posted May 18, 2007 Report Share Posted May 18, 2007 i get this, i always have done. several people have been the object of my obsessions, i only get them one at a time though. i thought it was just me. maybe its BPD? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingerwoman Posted May 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2007 i get this, i always have done. several people have been the object of my obsessions, i only get them one at a time though. i thought it was just me. maybe its BPD?Except I started this topic and I don't even have BPD but think I have some features of it without having enough for the diagnosis.It just occured to me maybe it was a BPD thing and DAMN guess I was right!I put it down to some kind of link with child abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
folder Posted May 19, 2007 Report Share Posted May 19, 2007 In particular, I am certain that many of these naturally warm and friendly people - those who can be thought of as being genuinely charismatic (rather than being over-friendly with some kind of hidden agenda) - are not even being flirty in the first place - they are just being their natural warm selves but us 'intense types' (I like that phrase!) end up viewing that behaviour as being flirty encouragements aimed at us, and us alone. I DO keep trying to remind myself that if someone is being particularly nice or friendly to me, it is most likey not because I have suddently become extra-special to them; they have not decided out of the blue that I am their long-lost soulmate or something like that!If I see one of these people being friendly to others in exactly the same way that they are friendly towards me, I find that really difficult - I feel completely rejected - even though logically I know that it is my feelings and thoughts that are all mis-interpreted, and that it has nothing to do with the other person whatsoever.This describes it exactly for me. I realise exactly what the situation is but I'm still pretty much a slave to it. Ain't that a paradox. But then if that person pushes all the right buttons and tugs all the right strings, why wouldn't I become enamoured/obsessed/pine for? Especially when I'm covered with buttons and strings from head to two and it's pretty easy to do. Curse my weakness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingerwoman Posted May 19, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2007 f I see one of these people being friendly to others in exactly the same way that they are friendly towards me, I find that really difficult - I feel completely rejected - even though logically I know that it is my feelings and thoughts that are all mis-interpreted, and that it has nothing to do with the other person whatsoever.When I was single I found that really difficult too (not now I'm married) and I HATE when my cyber crush flirts with anyone else on our message board but he does at times. BUt he does love me best because I've done so much for him and worship him. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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