Obsessions With People

[ModernMyth]

I fixate on people, yet as I got older and wiser and could separate sexual feelings from others, I've discovered I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, and the people I fixate on are semi-authority figures. I love them, but I'm not in love with them - it's like I crave someone to take care of me, and in my own little world, they do. I think thats all it is, I want people to protect me, thats why I fixate on people who do.

MM

[gingerwoman]

I think I'm just repeating my relationship with my abusive mother because the people I obsess over, every one of them had an agressive critical hurtful side to their personalities but would alternate between that and being sweet like my mother.

It's all about seeking approval with me. I'm ecstatic when I can do something to get them to praise and adore me and do anything for that and I crash when they show disapproval.

My friend is being really loving now cause I've done so many nice things for him and it makes me much less obsessed. I think maybe I've even changed and softened his personality a little by giving him so much unconditional love. lol

He's 12 years younger than me.

I feel really happy now. Yesterday it was like I did something almost like I was subconciously trying to piss him off. I think I do that when he's being nice and the obsessive feeling drop.

He didn't really bite. Now he's drunk and sending me loving MySpace messages. lol

Come to that most of the people I've had obsessions on started out disliking me which he certainly did. It is such a triumph when I make them love me but I waste so much fucking time on it OMG and why am I even engaging in this shit when I am HAPPILY Married?

So stupid.

[sofaraway]

i can't believe I hadn't read this thread before. (I haven't read the whole thing but skim read most)

I do the imaginary conversations in my head and sometimes i'm so involved in my own little world i realise I'm talking out loud, oopps!

I've always had the obsession/admiration thing, for me it is always an older women, its always someone like a teacher, doctor, mentor, coach. I want some deep relationship with them and for them to understand me and care about me. I've never told any of them about it. I usually stop having the obsession when a situation dictates that i don't see them anymore and the obsession moves onto some other lucky soul.

I often want to find out imformation about them and often do a bit of internet stalking.

I think for me that what i am doing is looking for a replacement mother, this is somethign i need to explore in therapy- damn back holiday meaning i miss therapy next week!

[SKyler1311]

I fixate on people, yet as I got older and wiser and could separate sexual feelings from others, I've discovered I've never been sexually attracted to anyone, and the people I fixate on are semi-authority figures. I love them, but I'm not in love with them - it's like I crave someone to take care of me, and in my own little world, they do. I think thats all it is, I want people to protect me, thats why I fixate on people who do.

MM

I am exactly the same as you, my T says it's my fantasy rescue, I have always looked for a parent or guardian type figure to look out for me, like in the movies when they have therapists involved and at the end the person undergoing therapy breaks down and cries and the therapist hugs them and tells them everything will be OK, (EG, robin williams and matt damon in goodwill hunting).

[SiouxsieSioux]

I have been reading this post with interest as I am very new to the world of BPD - I had never heard of it until a couple of weeks ago my boyfriend of seven months sent me a link to an article on BPD and admitted to me he was diagnosed with the condition several years ago!! The article described his behaviours to a tee and it certainly explained why he had been behaving the way he had - full of love one minute and accusing me of sleeping around the next (I should add here that I split from my husband over a year before I met him and as I had very few friends so to change that I went away with a group of people I met online - just for walking and stuff, nothing dodgy!!!) and where we stayed invariably there's no mobile phone signal so when I got back into the land of the living there were HUGE amounts of texts and missed calls starting off nice, then missing me right down to me being...well......I don't need to put down here the abusive names I was called and the accusations being laid at my feet. And I couldn't understand why a couple of days later he'd be back in touch saying how much he missed me and could we give it another go - which I did cos when we are together things are great - it just all goes pear shaped when we are not!!

So after a huge bust up last Sunday he told me his full life story - warts and all - which has brought me to this site to try to understand this condition. I haven't told alot of my friends we are back together at the mo, some of them know things got violent a few weeks ago (before I knew about the BPD) and I'm not sure they would understand why I am still even speaking to him. Part of me wonders if I am just an obsession. He is so kind and loving and makes me feel so wanted when things are going well, and if I wasn't in love with him I wouldn't have stuck around through all the crap. He's given me ample opportunities to walk away but I'm still here. I guess what I'm asking is - am I helping him by standing by him? Am I just an obsession? I know he might read this as he knows my username on this forum so he can easily see what posts I have put on, and I'm sure he will question me asking "what do I mean does he really love me - of course he does!" He's not felt this ill for over 6 years now due to stresses at home and he calls me his rock

[sweetcatatonia]

Hi, I've only just joined the forum, but I had to post on here as it's such an important part of my life - especially at the moment!

I have always had obsessions with people - for me it's about physical attraction (though I never want to have sex with the person) and just wanting to be with them all the time... it's usually people who I don't know very well, i.e. people at work who I might chat to occassionally... however now it's a new friend of mine and it's taking over my life! It's so weird though, as she's not the type of woman I'm normally attracted to, and she's 20 years older than me!! She's just split up with her girlfriend and that's also new for me - usually I get obsessed with straight women (I'm a lesbian btw! It's like the less chance I'd have with them, the more I want them!), but this time it's with someone who I have a chance with... It's tearing me up inside though as I don't know whether I just want her because I can't have her, or whether it's a proper attraction... I can't stop thinking about her, I have to hide my mobile phone to stop myself from texting her as I don't want her to think I'm obsessed with her...I'm hoping that if I bide my time, she'll either reciprocate or I'll move on to someone new (there always has to be someone, I can't remember even a week out of my adult life when I haven't been fixated on someone!)

[Miko]

I am fixated with some guy on a message board and he is kind of a jerk and yet I am totally and utterly besotted with him and my emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster and if I think he is mad at me or he isn't sending me enough private messages I feel horrible ache.

I AM WELL AWARE that it is COMPLETELY insane and stupid but it won't go away.

I think you need to:

- consciously go over the disadvantages of PMs

- consciously go over this person's behaviour style in an even-handed way

- consciously go over the snags to your other important relationships if you got this one out of balance

- consciously go over your part in your other important relationships in a balanced way

and especially not 'beat up' yourself or anyone else about anything. Congratulate the part of yourself that says you realise that stuff was stupid and grant it 'promotion' and extra trust like your own right hand woman. Focus on what you have been doing well and opportunities to extend that into other areas. Chunk it all down and deal with each of these things by turns and then go round them again in turns.

If 'you' imagine yourself the 'therapist' or the 'stranger' on the http://www.mentalhealth-world.org.uk/forums/ then 'you' can receive these ideas nice and fresh from 'yourself' and be proud of yourself for thinking of them and not give yourself a hard time over having the ambition held out to 'yourself' to explore these things in a constructive and thoughtful manner.

That's how I give myself the kind 'talking-tos' I (not very often) give myself, I am gradually warming to the prospect of becoming one of my own best friends ...

I've not been in exactly that situation for some years, but when I was younger and also fitter I used to sometimes, but there weren't the means like 'texts' to act it out so intensely, so it would rage and then fizzle out, 90% in my head and I've not been married yet as it happens.

[deedeanjackharri]

Does anyone else here get insanely fixated on people to the point where the object of your fixation dominantes you ever waking moment?

I have had this problem since I was a little girl. I would fixate on another girl in my class. It's more than a sexual or in love thing.

Absolute fixation.

Of course there were lots of lovers that I would fixate on. Usually I would fixate on one person for a number of years before the object of my fixation changed to someone else.

Now I am happily married (have been with hubby for 10 years) married for 12 and yet I am fixated with some guy on a message board and he is kind of a jerk and yet I am totally and utterly besotted with him and my emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster and if I think he is mad at me or he isn't sending me enough private messages I feel horrible ache.

I AM WELL AWARE that it is COMPLETELY insane and stupid but it won't go away.

Anyone else have anything like this kind of weirdness?

I'm talking 24/7 obsession.

yes totally with u.

I've been happily married for nearly 5 years together for 7 years, but i get totally fixated on other people wether it be female or male like u described more than a sexual or love thing bordering on obsessional. At the moment got fixation on my Pyschiatric nurse constantly wondering what shes doing always trying to seek her approval (panick thinking am i gay - not likely cause def like men my hubby obviously). I feel obsessed. Strange!!! Can't wait to see her and excited for her to visit!?! what's all that about. Never think of her in relationship with her but long and yearn for her friendship and hope and pray that one day that we COULD be friends but knowing that that reality will never be realised. Perhaps it's the longing to be accepted i don't know??? I have a very loving and understanding husband and i do realise how lucky i am.

Sorry just saw your message and it sparked off my thoughts.

I've only realised i do this by reading what u said and can recognise a pattern of icons over time.

[Athas]

I didn't dare to write anything here until now because I felt so embarassed, but I know the being obsessed with people, always people who are or seem to be in some way superior to me. It started when I was about 12. Sometimes it scares me, but these days I manage to control it, a lot more than I could control it at the age of 12 or 13. It has never been a sexual thing, but something totally different.

[Miko]

Can't wait to see her and excited for her to visit!?! what's all that about. Never think of her in relationship with her but long and yearn for her friendship and hope and pray that one day that we COULD be friends but knowing that that reality will never be realised. Perhaps it's the longing to be accepted i don't know???

We need to broaden our concept of freindship.

If a person is a tonic, we ought to be eager to see them again.

If they pursue their profession in a genuinely freind-like manner, likewise.

And hopefully we will have some that aren't professionals, as well.

It can be a good thing to see what's to look up to in people.

And it's a natural and good gift that something in us "highlights" positive people to our notice.

We can be like the nice child that someone chuckles kindly over and says, "my you have taken quite a shiner to such & such person haven't you!"

Yes the sheer intensity when looked at from a step back, can be puzzling. Best see what's behind it and especially the good sides in that, and our perception of our perception (if you see what I mean) will gradually fall into place. We will gradually figure out how to reciprocate - whether to interact less and just give them space and time to get on with their own lives, get in there and interact more, interact in a more varied way, etc.

[mooncat]

I can't believe how many other people have serious infactuation problems with the wrong people. I have felt more 'in love' with my obessional crushes - e.g. teachers/doctors etc than I have ever felt with real partners I have had at the time.

I got into serious trouble with visting one of my doctors at home; I found their address via the electoral roll and went there more than once. Basically I got banned from visiting that doctor's hospital again. This wasn't a mental health doctor, but a gynaecologist!

Still have strong feelings for that person and have passed by their house but not gone in or knocked on the door.

Why are these feelings so real? I felt so seriously in love. This person was not the first I have felt like this about.

:o

[Irizamoz]

I'm sorry to just walk in like this, but in a way I feel so reliefed to recognize these posts...

For me it's always been such an embarrasing obsession which I've tried to keep secret. But (un)fortunately at the clinic I couldn't hide it anymore, everyone noticed it. The psych told me it's got to do with attachement disorder. I still can't control it, I've had it since ... early as I can remember, 5 or 6 years old also sexual obsession started. I can't believe I'm actually writing this...

It's a 24/7 thing indeed and I am never sure if I want to get rid of it or not. Sometimes when I've lost this person inside my head it feels extremely empty, almost numb like there's nothing left to live for. So I don't know what to do but this person (therapist) said we'll work on it...

Thanks for the eye-opener, never had so much recognition... Good luck to you all with this...

Iriza

[Irizamoz]

I so can't believe I just did this...So sorry, really feel as if I should have waited for some replies at intro first...

So sorry...

[therealme]

I'm new here and was reading through some posts...just had to comment on this one.

I have conversations with people I know all the time. I even do this out loud when I am home alone. I fixate on issues I have with people, even if they are good things or bad. I ruminate and give them hell and put them in their place. Or I have these imaginary conversations where we laugh and joke and are best chums.

I waste soooo much energy on these things, it wears me out. Then because I have spent hours and hours running these issues over in my mind, when I do see the person, I either run away and hide, am too much in their face, hyper and needy, or I comfront them in a forceful manner, I just let them have it. Now, I may indeed have a gripe with them which is reasonable, but I deal with it in such a way, it scuppers any chance I have of putting my point across approriately or reasonably.

I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CALM DOWN AND STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE

wow, that was a huge load off.

And I too would like to know how to turn off these conversations. How to stop wasting all this energy on people who are getting on with their lives, when I am missing out on mine.

Peace

[Doug]

I've been like this with certain women in my life, totally obsessed and infatuated to the exclusion of everything else in my life. When the inevitable abandonment arrived I fell to pieces, became deeply depressed. I suppose it has happened maybe 5 times with different women. At the time I called it "love" but it really wasn't, it was very fast, very intense and had nothing to do with who the other person was. Infatuation might be a better word, but I was worse than that, almost to the point of stalking. Finally, once it was over, I became full of hatred and wanted revenge.

Nowadays I won't go near anybody I find attractive just in case it happens again, I'm not sure I could survive another rejection.

d

[gingerwoman]

Oh God I need help. I'm always making him angry with me and it makes me feel ill.

[anotherexborderline]

Wow. Good thread! Feels like a rescue thing for me too - like someone said "semi-authority figures"..... And that stuff about "naturally warm people" and mis-interpreting their normal warmth as something just for me? I better go read that again. Twice :huh:

[gingerwoman]

Does anyone have a clue as to what part of our illnesses this irrational people obsession is connected to?

Because we just want to finally feel valued, accepted, and wanted by someone who is important to us?

But they gotta be unobtainable and ignore us, just like we are used to? So we can try hard to be "good enough" to get their attention?

'cause that's what we grew up with? So the real thing (if we have it already) doesn't feel right, so we go looking for the fake thing, which feels familiar?

or is that just me?

THANK you so much "Another Ex" I DO have the real thing, real true love and it's not that I don't totally love him or he isn't manly enough because he TOTALLY is, and even has a temper himself, but I guess it's because he loves me unconditionally and maybe I don't feel I deserve it because I'm used to more abuse and so I'm obsessed with a friend I can't have who is very volatile and could never be in love wuth me and who really I wouldn't even want to be with in RL but I'm always clamouring for his attention and approval.

I want to stop it.

[anotherexborderline]

heh, I had just changed the parent post 'cause it looked naieve compared to some of the great stuff on page 3 & 4

Yeah, I lost the real thing that way. Real thing relationship that had rust, dents and scratches and in need of a good service due to my ongoing neglect of it, but real, none the less.

As for stopping it, well I can tell you that way works... I wouldn't make that mistake again... but don't do that!!!

Don't know really - here are some snippets of thought I found, don't know if there is anything useful in them:

1.

If the people who matter don't want us around, we soon learn:

- the people who don't want us around do matter

- the people who do want us around dont matter

- and of course, if someone matters, then they mustn't want us around.

This is of course complete nonsense.

2.

If one must insist on treating life like a beauty pagent, at least have the good sense to think like the judge, and not the contestant (i.e. let others try and live up to your requirements more, and stop trying to be so f*** perfect for them - and them liking you is one of your requirements)

3.

Sometimes we go sour on the real thing because it has real strains and effort involved - one of the big ones? Feeling like they aren't that happy with us or we are not good enough. This is usually projection 'cause it's us that arent' happy with us. But it's a belief, a big one. You can't believe your way out of belief. You need to look at it, acknowledge you 100% believe it's true, then you are in a position to start to doubt your own judgement about it. Doubt is what gets you out.

I find that helps with getting rid of obsessing over jerks, narcissists, users and other assorted loosers. Falling head over heels for anyone genuinely warm and open? Not so much For that, integration helps. Child part falls head over heels. Inner cynic is not so easilly taken in, which provides counterbalance. I could use a little more of that I think!!!!

[gingerwoman]

I got my husband to block me from the message board but I'm still on MySpace. He's been ignoring a lot of my MySpace messages.

I've had a really bad day and sent him 6 messages.

He has been so mean since I left.

I'm having a really bad day. God I wish I could stop this.

[anotherexborderline]

Unfortunately stopping it is not like flicking a light-switch. It's more like learning to drive. So practice practice practice practice. Luckily (well, kind of), you have all you require for practice - an obsession to practice letting go of for progressively longer and longer amounts of time. Start with five minutes of simply not giving a damn today, and work your way up from there. It's tough when there isn't a quick fix, but I always think, well, if there is no quick way, then just do it the slow way

(So good luck... It's not easy or comfortable or calming to do, I know... nothing is with this *$&%()@ disorder!!! )

[tcb]

Yes!!!!

This was a lifeflong problem for me, too and continued to plague me in the early years of my recovery from BPD.

The reason we do this "obsession thing" is because we lack a sense of our own self. This causes of the experience that horrifically painful empty feeling because, in a very real sense, we ARE empty - empty of a sense of self.

This is how I eventually was able to stop this painful obsession thing. I began spending just as much time getting to know myself as I did the object of my obsession. In other words, obsess about YOURSELF. Ask yourself questions, just like you would a new friend. Find out what you enjoy doing, what makes you feel the greatest sense of peace and pleasure. Is it being outside in nature? If so, then do little of this -- just by yourself -- every day. Ask yourself other things -- What kind of clothes do I like to wear? What is my favorite color? My favorite food? My favorite movie, author, etc? Just bombard yourself with questions and then spend time seeking the answers.

Eventually, a sense of your SELF emerges to fill up that empty void and the DRIVE to obsess over other people leaves.

tcb

[Elke.]

@anotherexborderliner: Those "snippets of thought" are really good. They really hit the core of the matter. Will often read them over. I am absolutely obsessing about someone at the moment, so bad I can´t seem to think about or doing anything else........... :-(

Another thing is the fact that I am back on this forum, though I have been hurt here so badly. I must really be nuts........

Elke

[alice.f]

wow, this thread. thank you for creating it, gingerwoman.

i've had this since i was a toddler, but not just in regards to people. i'm not sure if it was with horses first (i'm not talking about a regular little girl fixation with them, it was one of those "reason-for-existing" obsessional things. many of you in this thread know what i mean by that, i'm sure) or if it was with ants or wood lice or blood, but the first 4 years of my life seemed to exist just for the aforementioned things.

after that came cartoon characters - mainly japanese/american things - & then musicians. i'd talk to them in my fantasy-world (still talk to some musicians like this), & if i was exercising, running, dancing or doing p.e. when i was at school, i wouldn't be in the room; i'd be with them in my head. these days if i'm dancing in a club or exercising i'm fantasizing, so it's still very much there.

of course, this runs concurrently with the obsessional love/hate personal relationships i've had with partners &/or friends, which i see as a separate thing.

it's really weird, & i've never admitted this to anyone. not even any of my psychiatrists past or present. it's almost like something i have just for me, that i keep safe away from prying & judgmental eyes.

i'm 27 & i'm still like this. i've come to accept it a long time ago, & i cover the people-focused obsessions very well. in fact, i see it as quite cathartic. as for my other obsessions... yeesh, i feel bad for my friends, especially the arachnophobic ones. spiders are the centre of my universe. i can't stop buying them or talking about them. i've bought 17 new tarantula spiderlings in the past two weeks, & i can't afford them, but i just eat a bit less, smoke a bit less, drink less beer... & then bore my friends something chronic (or in the case of the arachnophobic ones, traumatise them just by mentioning the subject).

perhaps it suggests that i (we) need to focus on other things as i (we) don't quite wish to focus on myself (ourselves).

the only thing i'm worried about is the blood though. that's the deepest & longest obsession, & it's the one that's (quite rightly) getting scrutinised by professionals.

one thing i am proud of is that i have managed to realise that i can live without my ex-boyfriend. i still both love & despise him with every part of my being, though. :(

[OL1K]

I am reading these messages with relief as I have been obsessed with two doctors medical docs in my life. They both have been very nice to me over the years and i became obsessed with emails, phone calls etc to one an dit became problematic but now we have contact that is rationed with a phone call once every few weeks .....I also got obsessed with another consultant I met in a clinic and I emailed him too much and he replied a lot. I have cut down a lot now but when he went away like holiday I would go ballistic as he never told me ....he now knows and says week before or so but it is a problem.................

psych said it is dependent personality-need to be looked after

Fenella