Basic Truths

[cherylbcool]

it is true. children make thier own conclusions about life. thats why adults are supposed to be there to validate feelings. or dispell fears. without that people just make conclusions, then live according to the conclusions.

thats why it is so important to get therapy. a good therapist can help you find out what false conclusions are there...making your life harder.

for me it was this: my mom and my sister loved to make me cry....i was the younger sister. they made fun of me and humiliated me. it took me a very long time to see that my mom placed me in the rejected position. it made her feel powerful.

then i realized that my mom did this to me because it was done to her, that it had nothing to do with me....i was a creative intelligent, and loving child....i was very shy and i was not a troublemaker...probably because i was trying to be accepted.

i didnt attack back when i was attacked, i was too scared.

now i know that my mom is just sick. her behaivior had nothing to do with me as a person. i am finally dispelling all the false beliefs i had about myself, now that i dont feel so beaten down. she cant control what i think anymore. good thing for that.

so this is what i believed growing up .but am in the process of changing because it is not true. . 1. i dont belong anywhere, because i am not accepted. 2. nobody cares about me. 3. i am only here for other peoples purposes. to either entertain them, or make them feel better. (this one was really buried, and was extremely harmful to me for a long time)

4. my sister and mom was mean to me because they didnt like me. truth:(my sister was mean to me because she was scared of mom. so she just went along with what was expected of her)

this is a really good exercize. it can help you see what false beliefs we carry inside...even if its not true.

children are very impressionable.

[Suicidal Smily]

I was teased at school every day and I just never fit in. My mom tried to help me feel better but it never really worked. I was really shy because of the fact nobody liked me. I don't know what else may have lead to me being this way. I also always got praise for being so smart I then tried to be perfect all the time so I would be noticed and loved.

[™Michelle1]

I believe mine started when i was a teenager,i got bullied alot.then one day

i decided that i will not let ppl push me around anymore and i built a wall

between me and everyone else,not letting myself to get emotioally

attached to other ppl

[Jani]

Oh I so relate to these replies.

[emergingtoo]

My core beliefs were:

I am not loved (unloveable).

I am a bad person.

I deserve to be unhappy.

I should be punished.

Nobody will ever understand me.

I am helpless.

When I am in crisis, nobody will ever be there for me.

I have to hide who I am and be what other people want me to be.

Nobody would love me if they knew the real me.

[onelove]

I think I developed BPD when I told my mother that her new husband was molesting me and then they punished me harshly for lying. Only I wasn't lying. I think at that moment I lost all trust in anything and everything. No real secure feelings since then.

[onelove]

I think I developed BPD when I told my mother that her new husband was molesting me and then they punished me harshly for lying. Only I wasn't lying. I think at that moment I lost all trust in anything and everything. No real secure feelings since then.

basically, believing I must be worthless and unworthy of love from my parents. I never knew why I was unworthy and worthless, though.

[underwater]

i wasnt wanted

i should have been a boy

my parents only got married cause i was expected

i'm not worthy of anyone's love

im nobody

Four out of five for me there - my parents were married way before I came along.

In my case: Should have been a girl - at least as far as my mum was concerned and didn't I get to hear about it, for years and years and years and she even brings it up now and then in front of my kids and when my grandchildren are old enough, no doubt she'll tell them too. There's a whole new post in this - I feel the need to vent!

Which I think led me to think I wasn't wanted and was unworthy of love (got no physical affection from my mum at all), then to the 'I'm nobody' state of mind and then on to feeling the need to be perfect which led me to becoming a perfectionist and when, of course I can't live up to the high standards I set myself, well I become 'Nobody' and 'Useless'. Grrrr.

[Violentsnyper]

- I dont deserve to be happy

- I'm not good enough to .... (be loved/have friends/get the job/etc)

- Sex = Love (I am only worthy when people desire me)

I like this post because I can relate to a lot of what people have said - great topic!

[wordsmithy]

i wasnt wanted

i should have been a boy

my parents only got married cause i was expected

i'm not worthy of anyone's love

im nobody

Four out of five for me there - my parents were married way before I came along.

In my case: Should have been a girl - at least as far as my mum was concerned and didn't I get to hear about it, for years and years and years and she even brings it up now and then in front of my kids and when my grandchildren are old enough, no doubt she'll tell them too. There's a whole new post in this - I feel the need to vent!

Which I think led me to think I wasn't wanted and was unworthy of love (got no physical affection from my mum at all), then to the 'I'm nobody' state of mind and then on to feeling the need to be perfect which led me to becoming a perfectionist and when, of course I can't live up to the high standards I set myself, well I become 'Nobody' and 'Useless'. Grrrr.

i should have been a boy. because they got it wrong withing my brother, because he's autistic.

and they desperately wanted a boy, i tried being tomboyish but i never fitted that.

good to know its not a strange or unusual thing to mess up your life.

[underwater]

i wasnt wanted

i should have been a boy

my parents only got married cause i was expected

i'm not worthy of anyone's love

im nobody

Four out of five for me there - my parents were married way before I came along.

In my case: Should have been a girl - at least as far as my mum was concerned and didn't I get to hear about it, for years and years and years and she even brings it up now and then in front of my kids and when my grandchildren are old enough, no doubt she'll tell them too. There's a whole new post in this - I feel the need to vent!

Which I think led me to think I wasn't wanted and was unworthy of love (got no physical affection from my mum at all), then to the 'I'm nobody' state of mind and then on to feeling the need to be perfect which led me to becoming a perfectionist and when, of course I can't live up to the high standards I set myself, well I become 'Nobody' and 'Useless'. Grrrr.

i should have been a boy. because they got it wrong withing my brother, because he's autistic.

and they desperately wanted a boy, i tried being tomboyish but i never fitted that.

good to know its not a strange or unusual thing to mess up your life.

No, no it's not a strange or unusual thing to mess up your life. I thought it may have just been me, but I was in a clinic five years ago and many of the others there had issues with their parents. I've been a parent for 26 years (and am a grandad too) and both my kids suffer from depression but less so than I do. Thankfully, it doesn't appear to be due to my or my wifes parenting skills but other things. Being a parent is hard. You get no training for it really and your only experience is what you went through. My mum wasn't trying to be hurtful but it was only a few years ago that I realised just how much she harmed me and how it has shaped me.

One thing I've always made sure of though is that my kids know that I love them, that they were both wanted very much and that they have never disappointed me. That in spite of what they sometimes think, they aren't stupid or unintelligent and that I'm proud of them. They get hugs too.

[icu_baby]

I can see a running them in all these threads, feeling or being made to feel unworthy/unloved and in need of punishment.

I think that these are the issues that people with BPD should be trying to overcome in Therapy. These are similar symptoms that people feel when they are depressed but for borderlines it is much more pervasive and I think that we do need alot of support to overcome our issues

[Dreamer]

I was a bother-

My mother didn't want me-

[Ocean Wolf]

I'm a bad girl. I can't trust when someone treats me well because they're just going to yell at me when they find out I'm a bad girl.

I'm not good enough.

[aerogirl02]

My mum hates me for being born and I will never be good enough for her to love me.

I am a waste of space and should never have been born.

nobody wants me.

[OceanCarol]

I always felt different from everyone else

I felt like something was wrong with me but nobody saw it but me

I felt like I did not communicate well or feel happy

I didn't know why I was so sad and couldn't make friends

I would be in the classroom but not hear a single thing, so hard to concentrate

Fear of being alone, but was always alone.

Became too self aware of my body image

That was hard to write

[kuau]

I will always be alone

If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me. (complete fear of abandonment)

I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

I am an bad person and I need to be punished for it

I will never get what I want

My feelings and opinions are unfounded

If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable

[Tisharra]

I must do all I can for others, because I am a selfish person to want people to like me, and I must make up for it. (Geez, is that an oxymoron or what?)

If he doesn't want to have sex with me, I am not good looking enough.

If they don't want to hang out with me it's because I am a problem.

Honestly, today is when I realized I had this, I have 4 children. My childless girlfriend called me from work at 9:45 and said she was getting her dogs an appointment at the vet clinic, could I bring the dogs up there for her? I had surgery 3 weeks ago, and had the 3 youngest with me, and she has been hanging out with her new man instead of me every night this week, when she swore we would be together non-stop because both our husbands are in Baghdad. Anyways, she calls me back at 10:15 and says the appointment is in 15 minutes. I rush to get the kids and myself dressed, load them into the van, she calls me and asks if I am on my way yet? "Yes, I'm on my way." "Oh, you got the dogs already?" "No, I am loading the kids in the van to go get them." "You have to hurry or they won't get in." The WHOLE way getting this done I am thinking, "OMG, I feel so bad, I am going to be late, she's going to be so upset with me." THAT made me snap to reality and say, "WTF? I am doing HER a HUGE favor! Why do I feel guilty that she didn't let me know in enough time?" Then she leaves me sitting with the kids outside the clinic for an hour, comes out fast and says to make sure to shut her front door when I drop the dogs off, and she will text me later. I need someone around to slap me everytime I start to do something like this. I now have virtually no gas and no money for 5 more days...

[icu_baby]

I must do all I can for others, because I am a selfish person to want people to like me, and I must make up for it. (Geez, is that an oxymoron or what?)

If he doesn't want to have sex with me, I am not good looking enough.

If they don't want to hang out with me it's because I am a problem.

Honestly, today is when I realized I had this, I have 4 children. My childless girlfriend called me from work at 9:45 and said she was getting her dogs an appointment at the vet clinic, could I bring the dogs up there for her? I had surgery 3 weeks ago, and had the 3 youngest with me, and she has been hanging out with her new man instead of me every night this week, when she swore we would be together non-stop because both our husbands are in Baghdad. Anyways, she calls me back at 10:15 and says the appointment is in 15 minutes. I rush to get the kids and myself dressed, load them into the van, she calls me and asks if I am on my way yet? "Yes, I'm on my way." "Oh, you got the dogs already?" "No, I am loading the kids in the van to go get them." "You have to hurry or they won't get in." The WHOLE way getting this done I am thinking, "OMG, I feel so bad, I am going to be late, she's going to be so upset with me." THAT made me snap to reality and say, "WTF? I am doing HER a HUGE favor! Why do I feel guilty that she didn't let me know in enough time?" Then she leaves me sitting with the kids outside the clinic for an hour, comes out fast and says to make sure to shut her front door when I drop the dogs off, and she will text me later. I need someone around to slap me everytime I start to do something like this. I now have virtually no gas and no money for 5 more days...

You need to lose your "friend" real fast.

I am glad you have come to this realisation about yourself. This sounds like one of the symptoms of fear of abandonment, you will do almost anything not to lose a friendship that may not be worth having (in my opinion friends do things for each other, its not a one way street) to the point where you are emotionally and financially exhausted and you are the one who is suffering.

[yorkiegal73]

I'm not like everyone else - what if they find out?

I'm a nuisance

I'm ugly

I'm bad

[Tammie13121]

The good things and good times will always go away because I don't deserve them.

I'm never going to be good enough.

[Tisharra]

I must do all I can for others, because I am a selfish person to want people to like me, and I must make up for it. (Geez, is that an oxymoron or what?)

If he doesn't want to have sex with me, I am not good looking enough.

If they don't want to hang out with me it's because I am a problem.

Honestly, today is when I realized I had this, I have 4 children. My childless girlfriend called me from work at 9:45 and said she was getting her dogs an appointment at the vet clinic, could I bring the dogs up there for her? I had surgery 3 weeks ago, and had the 3 youngest with me, and she has been hanging out with her new man instead of me every night this week, when she swore we would be together non-stop because both our husbands are in Baghdad. Anyways, she calls me back at 10:15 and says the appointment is in 15 minutes. I rush to get the kids and myself dressed, load them into the van, she calls me and asks if I am on my way yet? "Yes, I'm on my way." "Oh, you got the dogs already?" "No, I am loading the kids in the van to go get them." "You have to hurry or they won't get in." The WHOLE way getting this done I am thinking, "OMG, I feel so bad, I am going to be late, she's going to be so upset with me." THAT made me snap to reality and say, "WTF? I am doing HER a HUGE favor! Why do I feel guilty that she didn't let me know in enough time?" Then she leaves me sitting with the kids outside the clinic for an hour, comes out fast and says to make sure to shut her front door when I drop the dogs off, and she will text me later. I need someone around to slap me everytime I start to do something like this. I now have virtually no gas and no money for 5 more days...

You need to lose your "friend" real fast.

I am glad you have come to this realisation about yourself. This sounds like one of the symptoms of fear of abandonment, you will do almost anything not to lose a friendship that may not be worth having (in my opinion friends do things for each other, its not a one way street) to the point where you are emotionally and financially exhausted and you are the one who is suffering.

Mmmm... just got in from picking my son up from school, dinner already in the oven, and get a text. "Girl. You think you can come get me today?" My response, "Sure, what time?" Anyone know where I can get a really nice font to have "Welcome" tattooed on my forehead?

Oh, and just got the text back. "I don't know, soon though. Be ready. And can I borrow ur van after? Then I might come hang out for a little while. Love ya and miss ya!"

[Suicidal Smily]

I must do all I can for others, because I am a selfish person to want people to like me, and I must make up for it. (Geez, is that an oxymoron or what?)

If he doesn't want to have sex with me, I am not good looking enough.

If they don't want to hang out with me it's because I am a problem.

Honestly, today is when I realized I had this, I have 4 children. My childless girlfriend called me from work at 9:45 and said she was getting her dogs an appointment at the vet clinic, could I bring the dogs up there for her? I had surgery 3 weeks ago, and had the 3 youngest with me, and she has been hanging out with her new man instead of me every night this week, when she swore we would be together non-stop because both our husbands are in Baghdad. Anyways, she calls me back at 10:15 and says the appointment is in 15 minutes. I rush to get the kids and myself dressed, load them into the van, she calls me and asks if I am on my way yet? "Yes, I'm on my way." "Oh, you got the dogs already?" "No, I am loading the kids in the van to go get them." "You have to hurry or they won't get in." The WHOLE way getting this done I am thinking, "OMG, I feel so bad, I am going to be late, she's going to be so upset with me." THAT made me snap to reality and say, "WTF? I am doing HER a HUGE favor! Why do I feel guilty that she didn't let me know in enough time?" Then she leaves me sitting with the kids outside the clinic for an hour, comes out fast and says to make sure to shut her front door when I drop the dogs off, and she will text me later. I need someone around to slap me everytime I start to do something like this. I now have virtually no gas and no money for 5 more days...

You need to lose your "friend" real fast.

I am glad you have come to this realisation about yourself. This sounds like one of the symptoms of fear of abandonment, you will do almost anything not to lose a friendship that may not be worth having (in my opinion friends do things for each other, its not a one way street) to the point where you are emotionally and financially exhausted and you are the one who is suffering.

Mmmm... just got in from picking my son up from school, dinner already in the oven, and get a text. "Girl. You think you can come get me today?" My response, "Sure, what time?" Anyone know where I can get a really nice font to have "Welcome" tattooed on my forehead?

Oh, and just got the text back. "I don't know, soon though. Be ready. And can I borrow ur van after? Then I might come hang out for a little while. Love ya and miss ya!"

Wow she really is using you. I don't think that you should be doing things for her because she doesn't do things back for you. It is a really unhealthy relationship. You should talk to her about what is going on between you two because otherwise she is going to continue doing this until you stop her she is like a leech and can never have enough of your blood. I had a friend like this and I dumped her expecially after she was making fun of me with one of her friends. She came to her senses after about 8 or 10 months and we are slowing comming back to a healthy relationship.

[Mariposa]

I always felt different. Like everyone was in on a secret and I couldn’t find out how to get access to it. I couldn’t relate to my peers totally. Even our interests were always different. I preferred the company of adults.

Even now, after maturing as a person I still have basic problems with social situations. I never feel like I’m worthy enough to speak unless I’m spoken to. I never invite myself anywhere because I don’t want people to have to say yes because they feel they have to. I’m so awkward in work aswell. I tend to be too polite and never assume anything incase I get it wrong. This causes me to come across as being rude and distant. My mother and girlfriend feel like they are always explaining my behaviour to people. It hurts me so much when people think I’m rude or when I offend someone due to my fear of social situations.

In saying this, sometimes I can feel like I rule the world and have stood up in front of groups of people to make presentations or speeches. I can only do this when I’m feeling good about myself though. I feel good about myself when I feel accepted and comfortable in others company.

:mellow:

[domino]

I can so relate to all of these posts-all i ever wanted,and still do is to hear my adoptive mother apologize for all the abuse i suffered; to admit she was wrong; i might even forgive her.