Why Would You Tell Someone If You Were Suicidal?

[wordsmithy]

i think if you seek attention you usually need it.

if i seek attention at some unconsious level i need it. its human nature to want attention, because we need other people. babies cry because they need thier mothers. but they get told off. they need to grow up they need to learn how to be alone.

attention seeking 'ain't all that bad?

[bibiddi]

Maybe attention seeking behaviour is more predominant in people with BPD, rather than bipolar :shrug:

There are lots of posts about how people dont feel they are being listened to, or they feel ignored.

Its understandable that when feeling like that, they seek attention.

Why do people seek attention?

Because they feel abandoned? they feel alone? they feel they need someone to care about them?

Seeking attention is a positive start.

From there, its possible to learn how to ask directly rather than indirectly.

[katchat]

i cant speak for others and i don't think any of us can...it's all reletive to the person feeling the pain....

if i want to die i don't tell anyone..........no one knows when i am sad...the mask is good and i have been saved from death a few times now, only because my boyfriend is a copper and gets the door knocked down if he suspects i could have hurt myself...f*ck life i say...it;s way too much trouble and the only reason i didn;t end it yesterday was because my hair needed washing!!!!! i want to die looking great...does anyone else relate to that?

kat x

[icu_baby]

i cant speak for others and i don't think any of us can...it's all reletive to the person feeling the pain....

if i want to die i don't tell anyone..........no one knows when i am sad...the mask is good and i have been saved from death a few times now, only because my boyfriend is a copper and gets the door knocked down if he suspects i could have hurt myself...f*ck life i say...it;s way too much trouble and the only reason i didn;t end it yesterday was because my hair needed washing!!!!! i want to die looking great...does anyone else relate to that?

kat x

lol, yes I can relate to wanting to look good before you die. Isn't that just absurd though considering the reality is that a few weeks after you won't be looking quite so good.

Katchat I hope you don't attempt it again because you might not be so lucky if your copper bf can't get to you in time.

[icu_baby]

Icubaby, thats exactly what i meant. When in my first post i listed how the professionals tend to see it, i didnt agree with thier view. i thought most of us on here disagreed with that view - andthe kind of responses i got on the bipoalr forum were the ones i also expected on here.

ive been really surprised by the responses.

Its made me think that maybe when professionals are saying that kind of thing about hte 'borderline' motivations they arent being pejorative or meaning it in a bad way, they are just stating what is reality for some people. I suppose that still leaves the problem of how they choose to respond - i dont think that havng an 'attention seeking' motivation

should be taken as a reason not to help. i think if people seek attention then they need it.

Its also made me wonder or whether not it really is the case that these are the motivations or the ones of us who think that way have been influenced by the explanations professionals give.

Just another possibility, maybe health professionals still do use "attention seeking" in a perjorative way but people with BPD don't interpret attention seeking as a pejorative word. As bibiddi and wordsmithy pointed out, attention seeking is natural and this is especially so if you feel you are being ignored which I agree with. So while professionals see "attention seeking" in a negative light, when people with BPD use the term, they may see in that same negative light, on the contrary they may see it as a positive thing and hence the clash between Borderlines v mh professionals.

I have actually seen perjorative terms on my clinical notes and it explained how I was treated when I was detained against my will so unfortunately when professionals use words like manipulative and attention-seeking they use the terms in a negative light.

[summersun]

I wouldn't tell any one now if I was suicidal. I used to get told off for not asking for help. Then I did ask for help and no one helped me anyway. So I would never let on because you just can't win if you have been diagnosed with BPD.

[flowergirl]

When I first read your initial post I thought you meant why would people tell if they were suicidal (my interpretation being that they are imminently to commit suicide). If that be the case then from experience I dont know, however I do agree with most of the responses that you had from posting this topic elsewhere.

Though now this thread seems to have taken different interpretations of the original question.

I believe that the responses alter quite substantially if you are asking "...if they were feeling suicidal" or "...if they were suicidal".

My point is, if I am feeling suicidal, it is a build up, then I can reach out, I may want help to make my decision, I may want someone to stop me, I may want to be heard, I may want attention, I may want to be challenged from my viewpoint. Or I may just want to be acknowledged. However if I am suicidal I know in my heart I am going to do this, its a done deal and then the only thing I would say to anyone is to reassure them that I love them, without actually giving the game away, so to speak.

Id just like to say though to icu_baby, that I dont feel that debating about attention-seeking behaviour or whatever you want to call it is harmful. It is a natural instinct to want attention, be that negative or positive we all at some time need attention, and I would see seeking out that attention as a positive trait. Only when manipulation and attenion-seeking are linked and used like some kind of dirty word do they become bothersome.

I personally think people should tell someone if they are suicidal so that someone may be able to give them more clarity at these times, to be able to change the course of events. Or to step in and help in their recovery. Im not sure this is anything that you wanted to hear, but I wanted to reply as this is something I feel strongly about, though I know I am not being very clear at the moment I dont think.

x

[icu_baby]

I wouldn't tell any one now if I was suicidal. I used to get told off for not asking for help. Then I did ask for help and no one helped me anyway. So I would never let on because you just can't win if you have been diagnosed with BPD.

Thats it isn't it. I think you summed it up quite nicely, when you have BPD you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

[Dreamer]

I'm a doofus, I misread the title to the thread and thought it said 'what would u tell someone that was suicidal' sawwwy

[icu_baby]

Id just like to say though to icu_baby, that I dont feel that debating about attention-seeking behaviour or whatever you want to call it is harmful. It is a natural instinct to want attention, be that negative or positive we all at some time need attention, and I would see seeking out that attention as a positive trait. Only when manipulation and attenion-seeking are linked and used like some kind of dirty word do they become bothersome.

x

Yes flowergirl, I couldn't agree with you more, that was what i was saying. Its unfortunate though that with regards to most mh professionals they usually do view attention-seeking in the manipulative kind of way (in other words they see it in a negative light) more so when they have knowledge that someone has BPD as aposed to when someone suffers from a different illness in which attention seeking is not seen in a negative light. With bpd its "go away,you are being manipulative/ attention seeking again..." with say depression, there is more sympathy when someone is going through intense pain and its more like "this person needs attention...lets get this person all the help they deserve to get". I mean its not so black and white and I am sure that alot of people with BPD do get the attention they need and deserve but for the most part people with BPD do suffer more stigma. I do not know why this is the case and I can't understand why and I do have plenty of material that supports this unfortunately. I would really love to hear some good news stories actually.

R u saying that if you saw in your clinical notes you were attention seeking you would not be offended but if you saw in your clinical notes "attention seeking" and "manipulative" you would be bothered by it? I agree that seeing the two words together may suggest something different then just seeing "attention-seeking" per se may not necessarily be viewed as demoralising?

cheers

icu_baby

[yorkiegal73]

I think it can depend on the situation. I've attempted it four times.

The first: I was 12 and desperate to get away from a bad situation at home. I couldn't see any other alternative and didn't tell anyone. It was a spur of the moment decision.

The second: I was 18. Very drunk, very depressed and wanted someone to help me but didn't know how to ask for it. I took the pills, but left the curtains open and the light on, knowing my boyfriend would spot me when he walked past to his house next door.

The third: I was 34, desperate to get away from everything. Had tried but failed to get help. Planned the overdose over several months, telling myself that if a,b and c went wrong i would have to do it. Called the crisis line straight after i'd taken the pills, which i guess means i wanted attention, but i was ambivalent about the risk i was taking by poisining my body. if i died, so be it.

The fourth: took an overdose on the psych ward. I knew they would be releasing me shortly and nothing had changed since the last o/d. At that point i just gave up. I really wanted to die. I'd done everything i could to make people see how much i was hurting and felt that they didn't care. When i felt the pills start to work i was so happy. But then they found me. Ironically they saw that purely as attention seeking.

I frequently want to die. What i don't want to do is take pills, jump off a bridge, walk in front of a train etc. No one wants to do that. If euthanasia was legal i'd be first in the queue. But if a magic pill was available that took away all the self hatred and black thoughts i'd much prefer that.

[InterruptedHappiness]

For me personally its usually a state of im scared what my impulsivity and where its gonna take me how far im gonna go this time if that makes any sense so I tell someone cause im scared what me and my low mood are capable of...does anyone else get like this? x

[Shellybelly]

ok i think this topic is good but has been blown out of porportion

and as todash said has made some people read it and be afraid to say

that they wanna die i know for a few days it did it to me

cause i was told in chat that i was attention seeking when i posted i wanted to die

i tried to od early the next mornig as i was genuinely in crisis at the time and

felt there no point asking for help now as they will all think im attention seeking

i didnt die at time obviusly as im still here and never went to doctor for medical treatment

either on this occasions as the thoughts of been thought bad and an attention seeker and stupid

were too much for me only for i had a couple friends who knew how i was and what i was doing

and they talked me out of it i would nearly safely say i wouldnt be here right now

so was it a bad thing for me to say i wanted to die and kill myself and ask for help??

if i hadnt and these friends didnt know then id be dead now and in my opinion

asking for help when feeling so shit is a stroner braver thing to do then hold it in and say nothing

it show to me that you are trying to fight for your life and bet this shit that your in and just cause

right now you cant think straight and see anything but death but asking for help a friend or

someone can help you see these see it not all black and white there are grey areas also

so i guess when were suicidal our black and white thinking comes into play a lot we see it

as one or the other no in between bit well it is for me

SO WHEN I FEEL LIKE I WANNA KILL MYSELF THEN IM GONNA POST AND ASK FOR HELP

AND I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF YOU THINK IM ATTENTION SEEKING CAUSE IM NOT IM BEEN THE STRONGER

AND BETTER PERSON REACHING OUT AND ASKING FOR HELP AND ANYONE ELSE WHO FEELS SUICIDAL I BEG YOU

TOO TO ALSO POST AS MANY TIMES AS YOU NEED..

personally id rather see hundreds of post asking for help in crisis then people holding it in and killing themselfves

cause they feel so alone and worthless in this world and would ask for anyone who see post in crisis to please

support these people no matter how many time they post as some day you may save someones life by just saying

you car and ill listen talk to me..

it makes a huge difference when you feel suicidal

i have od alot of time in the past two years amoung other things

and the times i never said were alot worse then the times i asked for help

so i think ill stick to asking for help and if you dont wanna help me fine

ill still help you or anyone else who needs me when in crisis if and when i can

cause i care and would rather listen to someone then ignore them and hear after they killed themselves

i dont wanna take that risk..

personal opinion not aimed at anyone

ps im quite angry and upset too posting this so if it shows im sorry

[feistymiss]

Many Borderlines are not truly suicidal (although there have been many times I was ) but they just seek an escape from the daily pain of living... those are good reasons but I always feel like nobody knows how much I hurt inside and the only way they will notice me is through drastic behaviors and suicidal gestures is certainly one of them for me.

i can see how it can be percived and distorted that we are attention seeking, if when we want to find a way out, by killing ourselves and then it doesnt happen, say its botched, discovered etc, and as we are in a vulnerable state at the time of the event, others perceive this as a "cry for help" when it fact, for most of us, its a way out of the pain and from no one understanding or hearing or dealing with or attending to, what we are going through

i didnt tell someone what i did, it just didnt follow all the way thro, and i took myself off to the hospital via ambulance as i knew what i had done was dangerous to my health but i had nothing else to hand to help me complete the task in hand and this was never investigated, by anyone, which i think is stupid, as it completely skirts the issue and completely puts it into someone's lap as it were, that i was doing it in order to gain support, or for attention seeking

it was neither, it was for a way out, to say, "ive had enough"

it didnt result in more support, or more understanding, from others, for me

but it did result in a diagnosis for the pain i was feeling

[foreverborderline]

The scary thing is I almost no longer care if I live or die..

I am just tired of the ¨try and fail pattern ¨of my life.

[icu_baby]

SO WHEN I FEEL LIKE I WANNA KILL MYSELF THEN IM GONNA POST AND ASK FOR HELP

AND I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF YOU THINK IM ATTENTION SEEKING CAUSE IM NOT IM BEEN THE STRONGER

AND BETTER PERSON REACHING OUT AND ASKING FOR HELP AND ANYONE ELSE WHO FEELS SUICIDAL I BEG YOU

TOO TO ALSO POST AS MANY TIMES AS YOU NEED..

ps im quite angry and upset too posting this so if it shows im sorry

Dear Mickey, you have the right to feel angry. NO one should be made to feel like they have to suffer in silence for fear of being labelled an attention-seeking borderline. You are absolutely right, asking for help is alot harder and braver than keeping it to yourself.

I think alot of people on this thread missed the point completely. The subject is not whether or not you would tell someone whether you are suicidal. The issue we were meant to be dealing with is people who are suicidal and tell someone. The purpose of the thread was to explore the different reasons behind telling someone you were suicidal.

Rather than seeing ourselves as attention-seekers, people with BPD should really organise themselves into a coherent organisation and demand that we be treated and responded to with dignity and respect when someone presents with an assertive act of self-help.

[sundries]

you know, I think the only way to get out of the whole double bind of

'phone us if you are suicidal BUT if you phone us you arent suicidal and are therefore attention seeking'

is to say you have voices telling you to kill yourself. That better describes the wayyou can be feeling imense pressure to kill yourself but at the same time be trying to fight it. Not saying this, however, leaves us open to the very black and white view of hte professionals.

[frannie]

Sorry, I posted before I read the whole thread.

[sundries]

the definitve guide.

1) You could be oscillating fast back and forth between wanting to die and not wanting to die.

(2) You could want to say goodbye and think that that person would not stop you/would not care (since professionals tend to shun and ignore us if we say this its not really an unrealistic belief).

(3a) You could want someone (e.g a Sam) to be with you whilst you died.

(3b) You could have misjudged the fatality of the method ie believing it would kill you in half an hour and nothing could be done even if professionals did know so you call someone cos you are scared and want them with you and dont think they could do anything (this is not as selfish as seems as lots of relatives after suicide say they wish that even if they couldnt do anything they still wish theyd been there with them in last moments) and you might not be thinking of selfishness anyway might just be afraid of being on own in final moments

(4) You could think that people would be glad to get rid of you and would want to tell them that they could be satisfied that you were going to die.

(5) You could be sharing the information with someone you believe would help you to die.

(6) You could be in a confused state of mind as to what was going on and not really be thinking straight about what you were doing or what you were saying to whom.

(7) its nice to share plans, because you arent rational it just seems like just making a comment about your future plans eg im off to peru now except instead you say by the way im going to kill myself - 'just so you know' sort of thing, as though its most normal thing in world

8) want to genuinely consider dying - so you want someone to help you weigh the decision impartially, not to stop you doing it or only give arguments against

9) want to be 'found' by professionals so as not to upset civilians eg if you were jumping off bridge so might phone before. dont want to rot away in house

10) want to explain your reasons o family (or to professionals to explain to your family) because suicide notes are quite inadequate and you believe they will realise what a sensible decision it is

11) you are doing as you are told/your duty - you completely want to die but know you’ve been told you should tell someone if that is the case and you are doing so even though you think they are daft for not understanding its the best thing to do

12) want to talk about your feelings about the decision to die - you might have decided to but its still scary

13) dont want it to be a shock that comes out of the blue for people

14)you could just want to be heard and acknowledged before you end your life.

15) you could realise that your method isn’t going to work afterall (eg start vomiting too early/not have strong enough rope etc...) so call ambulance as its better to do that than end up more disabled.

16) if you told your doctor your method he might tell you whether or not it would work and then you could change it if it wouldn’t work

17) have psychotic ideas eg believe your death will change the world like the crucifixion.

18)you could want peoples agreement/acceptance of your decision to assuage your conscience.