Please, Please Help Me

[bibiddi]

it is like I want to hurt her, kill her and yet I cant let her go.

My therapist asked who it is I am frightened of losing. I began to write about the child who was too loud, too excitable, too emotional, but as I wrote she became me - we are entwined within eachother.

For years I have been dumping all the blame on my parents - good loving parents - that made me feel bad, wrong, because I got angry, loud, jealous, wanted to show off, desparately wanted someone to accept me, to love me as I was.

But I was unacceptable t them. They wanted a quiet little girl who would not draw atention to herself.

It is weird - I have felt so violently about that especially while my depression was at its worst in May/June

But over the past few weeks, the depressive cloud has lifted - things have begun to matter - and I have turned the torture in on myself.

Perhaps I am no longer depressed at all - but just hanging on to as much bad feeling as I can muster.

I think that is true - I am frightened of feeling well because I want to hide from life

I am being a pathetic coward

Ok, I dont know whether its right to say this.

But, from what I've read, you may have had good loving parents. But you only felt that love when you behaved on their terms.

Otherwise you were unacceptable to them.

Children are naturally loud, and excitable.

But when you wrote about you as a child, you automatically think of the behaviour in a negative way.

Your parents rejection automatically appears in your head. Their voice, even though you are now an adult is still very strong, and still very negative.

No wonder that even today, you cant make simple decisions. You know what you want to do, but you have your parents voice telling you its wrong, except it may have stopped sounding like your parents, and has morphed into your own voice.

Your brain seems to be in constant conflict, you have two sets of voices that you're listening too.

The good thing is now you are an adult, you do things to please your parents.

[loulou1330]

(((walker)))

It sounds like you're really struggling right now and I know you're finding it difficult to find a start point to feeling better. Having read through the whole thread and struggled with what i might be able to say to offer you support or advice what i came up with is this and am sure am not the first to say, so excuse me if am repeating ....

Meds .... no dont just switch off cos u saw the word, i know its not what you want right now or even at anytime but it really does sound like you seriously need to consider this as an option if only to help stabilise you into a position where you can try to look at all the options rationally. im not saying your irrational or anything like that but the thing is ive been taking meds for absolute yonks all sorts all sizes blah blah and i hate them, i fought against them for years and still do when i feel sane n rational but the thing is when this bpd thing gets a hold of us it is so very hard n difficult to get out of the cycle and when im off meds i cant control anything in my mind and it just goes beserk and all these emotions thoughts voices etc all build up until it feels like my head will explode if i hear one more bit of anything and it sounds like thats where you are. so like i said i know it maybe not what you want but please speak to whoever about the possibility of meds, hey what's to lose they may help and if they dont, then you're no worse off but at least you will have tried.

tc loux

[walker]

Bibiddi - Oh yes - I 'know' my parents must love me, but there is an enormous chasm between that and feeling it.

I often feel like I just want to stand and scream at the world that I am really here - no wonder my mum always complained about me being loud (and still does) - because I AM TRYING TO BE HEARD.

Strange how well all those feelings fit with BPD and lack of identity - isolation etc.

LouLou - have been thinking of meds again myself - but James is now more convinced I dont need them.

Have been on them 3 times over last 13 years (prob for about 5 years overall).

Very low doses compared to what I have read on here though.

Was feeling so bad in Nov, so desolate, that thought meds were doing it so decided to come off - didnt tell doc - but then she is hardly interested.

Came off mega slowly over 2 months and at same time took up more exercise and changed diet. Thought I was gaining some control !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still bad feelings - and everything tipped over in Feb when Deputy head had a go about something, and my whole world came tumbling down.

Suddenly my only motivation was to hurt and stop hiding the pain.

I walked out of school because I just couldnt hide anymore.

I really struggle with my diet and weight and always get fatter on pills, and hotter, and just HATE taking them.

I realise many of you rely on them and please dont think I am judging you in this, - I ONLY JUDGE ME.

I dont want to take pills because of who I am

Do you understand?

I thought I could do this on my own with therapy

But it just isnt working.

wrote another letter to psychiatrist - polite, no sarcasm this time, but still cant find courage to take it in. Prob wouldnt give it to him anyway!

Have left a message for James to call me, but doubt he will, they always put messages in pidgeon holes or something and he never picks them up.

I am alone again, so alone

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo missie walker

Yeah I know totally what you are talkin about there ... that no one listens I have also felt that way forever, like the only way to be heard was to scream and shout or (for me) have to form some feckin lawyer type argument or sumthin ... tis invaludation I tellz ya, and sooo many medics are GREAT at it. With the bippidees, we need validation - we need to feel that even though we explode all over the place, our feelings are real to us.

Your feelings are real, what ur goenn thru is maximum poop, and if the peepul that are around you dont understand the bippidee properly then it gets tough. One of the best bookies I have is The Practioners Guide to Schema Therapy (klosko and Young), and that has a whole chunkie bit on treating the Bippidee, and it talks about how other therapies totally miss the point of how to treat a bippideer. If your CBT duder had this it might help him lots. Schema is a mix of lots of different therapies but the bestie bit about it is what they call Limited Reparenting. Literally, the therapist becomes like a surrgoate nice mommie or dad, its super-validating, and you can say and be all that you need to - the therapist wont punish you or tell you you are silly. It is a very loving therapy, I like it soo much and have the hugest soft spot for my therapist

Do you have much of the spare moolah? (money!). Schema can be pricey privately and its tough to find on NHS ... tis the only drawback ...

I thinkie that you might be safer if you stay with your therapist for a while longer, but try to tell him you dont feel heard, that you feel invaildated and you need to get your emotions out before the CBT will work for you. Theres a ton of research into this, and its the reason they made schema therapy!! Its approved by the inventor of CBT and was devloped alongside him, but they brought in like psychodynamic, gestalt, attachment theory **removes glasses and tweed jacket** to make it SUPER SUPER GOOD. The CBT bit in schema is different too.

Mabbe make him buy that bookie and then go "YA SEE?? Im a bippdeer!! Now give me love"

Ross

[walker]

Mind reading one of your many talents

Was looking at book and slide shows on schema website - feels like it belongs to me - if you see what I mean

Had already decided to buy it for therapist and me to look at - although dont think his supervisor will approve.

Validating my feelings and emotions YES YES YES crying out for acceptance

Think that is why I need diagnosis from psych - need hm and GP to accept who and where I am

Still no phone call - s**t will have to call again - mega embarrasing - voice starts again - attention seeing, demanding , unreasonable behaviour etc etc

God I hate this s**t

[hummm_mabbe]

Mind reading one of your many talents

Was looking at book and slide shows on schema website - feels like it belongs to me - if you see what I mean

Had already decided to buy it for therapist and me to look at - although dont think his supervisor will approve.

Validating my feelings and emotions YES YES YES crying out for acceptance

Think that is why I need diagnosis from psych - need hm and GP to accept who and where I am

Still no phone call - s**t will have to call again - mega embarrasing - voice starts again - attention seeing, demanding , unreasonable behaviour etc etc

God I hate this s**t

**nods and gives hugz**

Oooh another bookie you might like is Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennet Goleman. Its about mindfulness meditation. All BPD programmes have mindfulness in them, and its soooooo good for those times when the emotions are gripping you and building in you. The bookie is a blend of schema AND mindfulness, I love it to little bits (plus ther author is a bit tasty too but dont tell her I said so okies thankyou). Mindfulness is prolly one of the best things for helping with those nasty emotions and sensations of things creeping up on you. Its like self-hugging

Theres two books - one is reinventing your life, which is for us mere mortals, and there is the practitioner guide, which is for the therapist. However I think learning about your treatment and your illness is the bestest way forward! Where do you live? I may be able to ask my T if she knows a schema person in your area with experience of personality stuffz.

Hang in there missy duder, youre doing great just keeping it up ... its super hard but youre DOOOENNN it, and to me that makes you a SOLDIER!!! Or a heroine, or Xena the Warrior Princess, whichever one you prefer. hehehe. Champion Smurf?

Sumthin that might helpie too ... schema doesnt see bippideers as attention seeking, They see that as chiddlers we werent heard, held, validatied, made to feel 'real' and so on. So our 'attention seeking' isnt - its a natural behaviour for someone who has a big HOLE where everyone else has lovey stuff, holding, a soul. If a therapist were staved of water for 4 days, he would get pretty hysterical trying to get some ... thats what its like for the bippideer but with love and holding, which we try to get by attention or other things. We need acceptance, unconsitional love (which is why the sexie relationships never work cuz they arent unconditional) and to be heard, whether our emotions sound crazy or not. They are real to us, we just have a big hole in our emo needs bucket that is very leaky.

Ross

[walker]

James not in today - was meant to be

God have I scared him off????

Really need to talk to him - but keep shoutin at myself to shut up an wait until next weds

Keep trying to write it all down but there is so much dross in my head.

Am very tense atm like something awful is about to happen

I guess it already has!

Dont have any CPN or anything, even friends aren't responding to texts AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Sledgehammer needed on head

[wednesday]

I know you must be driving yourself mad with 'am I borderline-am I not' but in the end you are the person you are and the diagnosis does not change that. In fact the dx makes things a whole lot worse in terms of employment and long term prospects. Much of the dx is to do with the severity of the different elements of the dx and different psychiatrists may have different features that they look for in particular.

I remember being as angry with myself as you are. It is torture.

There is another way out of your dilemma that you are not accepting right now-you can stop hating yourself.

[walker]

Stop hating myself????

Sorry, is that a foreign language or something - dont think I understand that one.

The thing is about the diagnosis - it came completely out of the blue 3 weeks ago when James first mentioned it.

Then I started reading about it on the internet and !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could not believe that there was a recognised reason for me behaving like I did and still do.

It is a very weird feeling - like having permission, finally having permission to have the confusion, all the crazy feelings validated.

Shame I still feel so bad, still full of hate

[hummm_mabbe]

Stop hating myself????

Sorry, is that a foreign language or something - dont think I understand that one.

The thing is about the diagnosis - it came completely out of the blue 3 weeks ago when James first mentioned it.

Then I started reading about it on the internet and !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could not believe that there was a recognised reason for me behaving like I did and still do.

It is a very weird feeling - like having permission, finally having permission to have the confusion, all the crazy feelings validated.

Shame I still feel so bad, still full of hate

Huuug

Aww hon .. yehz that feeling is gonna hang around for a while I know thats not what will soothe you to hear, and I wanna soothe you, but part of the bippidee and getting better is learning to find a way to sit with the feelings and the poopiness, cuz when you do, EVENTUALLY, and yeah after quite a time, they start to ease off a witty bit. The Emotional alchemy bookie is a good place to start ... but yeh I agree, when I feel full of self hate its impoosible to turn that tap off ... all those voices from chiddler hood that have become part of me take over and decide to kick my ass for a few days, or longer....

I defo think that learning learning learning about the illness will help you to get a handle on how you feel. Its like looking behind the curtain at a theatre - when you see the little dudelly dude pulling the handles and which ones he is gonna pull next, then it becomes easier to separate YOU from your ILLNESS.

There is a good iccle threadey in here called BPD books, there are some grand ol titles in there to read. I am also attachin a slightly techie (sorry yawnie but might help) thingie I found on the internetz which is about the bippidee. I am soo glad though that you felt just a teensy bit of relief at having an idea of what you are suffering from. Get a big ol crowbar and start eeking that crack open a little at a time, get as many weapons as you can in your armory - information is suuuch a good antidepressant, especially when its info that gives you something you can DO to help yourself a lil!

[walker]

attched file wont open!

I alsohave a strong urge for knowledge to help me understand who I am

But it doesnt seem to help me move on.

Feel completely alone,- no friends answering, and Im terrified of calling James today, because I have a whole load of images in my head about how p****d off he will be.

So so tired but having mega trouble getting to sleep as brain wont rest.

Really think James only wants to follow detached CBT method and as he is still being supervised, dont think he would have a choice anyway. In my head he is changing from the caring trusted carer, to a cold, calculating monster who will never let his guard down.

I am turning him into some sort of monster who is refusing to reach out and validate who I am.

BUT I NEED TO BE ACCEPTED

I need him to let me off load literally bucket loads of emotion, as it builds up during each week. He says small steps, but is making me fill in bloody great forms to challenge and change my thoughts

So where do I dump all the emotion?

HE WONT LET ME BE ME - so another door is closing, and this is the last one

He has put in a request for me to change CPN because the last one reminded me of a stalker we had for 4 years, and also didnt want me tokeep crying!!

My first CPN was fab but she works in access - with GP's and I have now been moved into 'recovery' - (an ironic name, I think, for people who are not recovering quick enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

She had a mobile and I could leave texts and get either a text or a quick call back. It really helped me because it gave me contact with someone who understood, but it didnt take long. Lost that with second CPN, Lost every thing now I have NO CPN.

My head is screaming at me to hide, to shut down and hide.

Husband keeps asking - 'so are you better then? is CBT helping? how was session? are you going back to work in Sept?' I have told him that depression is largely gone and that on the outside I seem miles better - but inside my head I am a complete mess.

Oh and James has even said now that I wasnt depresed???!!!

He spent weeks convincing me that I was ill, having a major depressive episode - and now says that .

I dont get it, - dont get anything - they are all messing with my head, confusing me - trying to get me to leave

Why am I so BAD - I feel like the whole world is struggling to cope, to get through things, to make life better - and I am pushing my way through the crowds in the opposite direction - back into the fire - back towards the flood - back into the pain.

Am I going completely crazy?

Why wont they help me properly????

[ann51]

:bigarmhug[1]: :bigarmhug[1]:

[hummm_mabbe]

attched file wont open!

I alsohave a strong urge for knowledge to help me understand who I am

But it doesnt seem to help me move on.

Feel completely alone,- no friends answering, and Im terrified of calling James today, because I have a whole load of images in my head about how p****d off he will be.

So so tired but having mega trouble getting to sleep as brain wont rest.

Really think James only wants to follow detached CBT method and as he is still being supervised, dont think he would have a choice anyway. In my head he is changing from the caring trusted carer, to a cold, calculating monster who will never let his guard down.

I am turning him into some sort of monster who is refusing to reach out and validate who I am.

BUT I NEED TO BE ACCEPTED

I need him to let me off load literally bucket loads of emotion, as it builds up during each week. He says small steps, but is making me fill in bloody great forms to challenge and change my thoughts

So where do I dump all the emotion?

HE WONT LET ME BE ME - so another door is closing, and this is the last one

He has put in a request for me to change CPN because the last one reminded me of a stalker we had for 4 years, and also didnt want me tokeep crying!!

My first CPN was fab but she works in access - with GP's and I have now been moved into 'recovery' - (an ironic name, I think, for people who are not recovering quick enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

She had a mobile and I could leave texts and get either a text or a quick call back. It really helped me because it gave me contact with someone who understood, but it didnt take long. Lost that with second CPN, Lost every thing now I have NO CPN.

My head is screaming at me to hide, to shut down and hide.

Husband keeps asking - 'so are you better then? is CBT helping? how was session? are you going back to work in Sept?' I have told him that depression is largely gone and that on the outside I seem miles better - but inside my head I am a complete mess.

Oh and James has even said now that I wasnt depresed???!!!

He spent weeks convincing me that I was ill, having a major depressive episode - and now says that .

I dont get it, - dont get anything - they are all messing with my head, confusing me - trying to get me to leave

Why am I so BAD - I feel like the whole world is struggling to cope, to get through things, to make life better - and I am pushing my way through the crowds in the opposite direction - back into the fire - back towards the flood - back into the pain.

Am I going completely crazy?

Why wont they help me properly????

Hullo Squishie lumps **hugs**

I dunno why the file wouldnt open, mabbe some setting on your poota? Try right clicking on it, then going to 'save target as' - I tried that and it works for me ... if you still have trubble I can mail it to you, PM me if you'd like that

And heyz with the 'not depressed' thing .. with the bippidee, our moods shift ALL THE TIME. Sometimes we are all detached ans feel nothing at all, and this happens when we are around other peepulz, cuz we are protecting ourselves. So we can seem totally normal, but inside we are a mess. Schema calls this a 'mode', and that one is the Detached Protector. The one that is punishing you is called the Punitive Parent, and s/he sounds like A RIGHT BASTARD (or lady bastard, I dunno what sex it is in your headdy bit).

Soooo to others you can seem normal, until you cant take it and go bang, and then everyones all like "oooo!! check you!!". Silly fuckers. Sorry .. I know they are all nice and stuff but they HAVE GOTTA DO SOME DAMN LEARNING. Mabbe buy your hublet a copy of "Stop walking on eggshells" so he can figure it out a bit ...

But hey, dont stop posting, ya needz to get this all outa your system okies? Dont feel guilty for it neither, sumtimes there are things that need to be got out and we all have it, so keep on hollerin! Huggee huggee huggeee **holds up martial arts pad boxing thing for you to bash and get your anger out on but pits on helmet too just in case***

[hummm_mabbe]

RIGHTY

Step one:

Go here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder and read about BPD. Look at the criteria, and see if you can identify yourself in them. Start to write out examples of when you have felt this! With the paranoia bit - sumtimes you might not realise you were bein paranoid, but if you have a looooooooong history of thinking people are trying to hurt you, deny you, be horrid or abuse, then SOME of that might be paranoia ... thats the transient stress thingie.

See how many criteria fit you and REALLY REALLY think of examples and how long you have had them. If the criteria are a bit too techie, you can get a bookie called Borderline Personality Disorder by Roy Krawitz which explains the criteria and is also quite helpie for the bippidee.

NOTE: There are TWO diangosing structures - DSM-IV which is American but also used here, and also ICD-10 which is more UK. In ICD-10 BPD is called Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, so ya might wanna look that up tooooo ....

Step two:

Write all this stuff out on paper. Try to spend a week documetning your feelings and any mood swings you have. Try to get in touch with how it feels and write it down. Then put that into a liccle document for your therapist and psych. If what you are observin also futs the criteria at step one, ESPECIALLY put it in. You may find you have thingies that dont fit the bippidee too - include them anyway, cuz its ALL important. Thingi8es like feeling superior to others, or feeling abusive, any extreme reactions that you feel, record them and see of thats been a lifelong thingie for you. BE REALLY HONEST and be sure that ths is a really common thing for you.

Step three:

Go read the stuffz to your therapist! You will have got the criteria, and possibly solid examples of how you fit it. If thats all well and good, he will have to listen to you.

A question - has all this stuff been lifelong for you, or is it more recent? If so, may I ask how old you are? I knowwww never ask a laydee ... you are a laydee fo shizzle and I am an impudent internet pixie ...

Hugz

EDIT: If you wanna go belt and braces, go to www.schematherapy.com . Go to the inventories section and fill in the YSQ long form Or Just Click Here. You will have to do it on paper or in Word cuz its not an 'active' page ... (also tis dead long, 205 questions, but very good) then go to the scoring page to see how to score it. BE HONEST - reaaaally make sure the questions do apply to you b4 you check em! Schema is dead powerful stuffz, and even having one really nasty schema can make you veyr very unhappy, but you can treat it! OH YEAH if you start to feel upset filling in the form, STOP!! It can bring up horid memories and stuff, so go easy on your loafy okies? A bippideer will have nearly all of the 16 schemas, thats how to spot it in the schema way It will helpie you too, to uncover some of your prollems.

[walker]

Ross - are you going for BPD Super Hero Status????

Think your sense of duty to others is MAJOR

But THANK YOU LOADS.

Have managed to have a really good long talk to James and off load some of my angst.

Have tried to explain how I just cant let go of all the emotional baggage. I will work with him, but the baggage comes too.

Anyway he says he wants to continue and that we will look again at how we are working. He also talked about joining a STEPPS group (group therapy AAARGH) which would look at ?????cant remember.

Didnt tell him about schema, was scared he would be negative - always scared of people thinking bad about me

Anyway moaned that it was like doing therapy with a robot

Said in terms of emotional control I am at 0 and he is at 100

He explained that the less control I have the more he needs to have, but I think he understands that I need a bit more humanity.

Anyway - will read through your steps carefull and work on them. Have looked at the criteria already - loads. Fit at least 5 with lots of times in 2 or 3 others!!

It is only the self harming/suicide attempts where I am a bit of a failure - Oh and the promiscuity

Never done drink or drugs - but eating is a bit of a mess

More into the whole Mental self destruction thing.

I am 44 and yes have had these dificulties since I was about 17.

Loads of times crying for days and not nowing why. Just feeling SO alone and wrong.

Actually apart fom this year, the really worst time was in my late twenties. That was when I first wanted to die and first had AD's.

I had two young children, we were being stalked (for 4 years!!!!!!!!!), we were trying to move, my dad was having a tripple bypas.................... and I felt like I was different to the whole world.

Reading the criteria over and over has brought back many memories. I just cant believe there is actually a reason and I am not just the BAD person

Hey and guess what - been and done the schema thingy already - well the short version.

Might have a go at long one in a min.

Out of the 15 schemas - 11 were significant.

Will go and try now.

By the way opened file on Hubs computer - serious stuff - you really do like understanding your subject dont you.

Speak soon - well after I have done the 200 questions, so prob about a week!

[hummm_mabbe]

Ross - are you going for BPD Super Hero Status????

Think your sense of duty to others is MAJOR

But THANK YOU LOADS.

Have managed to have a really good long talk to James and off load some of my angst.

Have tried to explain how I just cant let go of all the emotional baggage. I will work with him, but the baggage comes too.

Anyway he says he wants to continue and that we will look again at how we are working. He also talked about joining a STEPPS group (group therapy AAARGH) which would look at ?????cant remember.

Didnt tell him about schema, was scared he would be negative - always scared of people thinking bad about me

Anyway moaned that it was like doing therapy with a robot

Said in terms of emotional control I am at 0 and he is at 100

He explained that the less control I have the more he needs to have, but I think he understands that I need a bit more humanity.

Anyway - will read through your steps carefull and work on them. Have looked at the criteria already - loads. Fit at least 5 with lots of times in 2 or 3 others!!

It is only the self harming/suicide attempts where I am a bit of a failure - Oh and the promiscuity

Never done drink or drugs - but eating is a bit of a mess

More into the whole Mental self destruction thing.

I am 44 and yes have had these dificulties since I was about 17.

Loads of times crying for days and not nowing why. Just feeling SO alone and wrong.

Actually apart fom this year, the really worst time was in my late twenties. That was when I first wanted to die and first had AD's.

I had two young children, we were being stalked (for 4 years!!!!!!!!!), we were trying to move, my dad was having a tripple bypas.................... and I felt like I was different to the whole world.

Reading the criteria over and over has brought back many memories. I just cant believe there is actually a reason and I am not just the BAD person

Hey and guess what - been and done the schema thingy already - well the short version.

Might have a go at long one in a min.

Out of the 15 schemas - 11 were significant.

Will go and try now.

By the way opened file on Hubs computer - serious stuff - you really do like understanding your subject dont you.

Speak soon - well after I have done the 200 questions, so prob about a week!

Hee wellz, Ive always been a nutjob obsessive with getting better, cuz Im the same as you, always been like this! I used to do more readies on depression and anxiety etc, but then once me therpist said OOOHHH BIPPIDEE I went nuts on it from april and collected everything I could! Its kinna a hobby .. yeah aint I jus 'CITIN??

If you got 11 out of 15 on the shortie one, then yeah thats pretty strong clues that you is a bippidee, plus the life history thingie ... if you go to the index of your schema bookie, and look up Life History taking, you might wanna think about doing that. Bippidee is diagnosed from a few things:

1) Psychiatric history. If you have had lots of contact with the NHS for psychey type things, then this weighs in the diagnosis. No previous contact takes away from it.

2) Presenting behaviours at the time ... keep freaking out and this will help your diagnosis! Heh that sounds mean, dont mean it to be .. huggee

3) Evidence / views from significant others. Hublet might have some choice words on your mood shifts and so on, but earlier on he didnt sound very validating to me ... the trubble is, us bippidee peepulz tend to recrate our pasts around us, so if our families were invalidating, we tend to choose peepulz that are too. WE NEED VALIDATION - tis like the elixir of our becoming, I tellz ya (hahaha now I sound like Russel Brand...)

4) Self reported history, focusing more on emotions and how it impacts life and past life.

Its kinna like building up a case, and a psych looks at all that stuff above. I got this from the Oxford Handbook of psychiatry. Hehehehehe MUHAHAHAHA THE WORLD SHALL NOT STOP MEE! MY FRIENDS WILL GET TREATED - WHETHER THE WORLD LIKES IT OR NOT!!! **Strokes evil beard and evil cat**

I thinks its BRILL that you were so brave to bring up your feelings to JAmes, that is such a good sign and it makes me all proud and teary *snif*. It sounds like he is TRYING to listen, but keep on keepin on at him. Bippidees need tha lurve!! The hoooman touch! TLC! Oh yeh yeh **does some bogling / grindey dancing**

I still think the best thing for you is find a private schema therapist and set up camp in her/his office (oopsie sorry I am being bossie Rossie)! I am waiting for that listie to come back, they are FUCKEN lazy over there in new york.

Keeo on whackin it with that hammer Walker / Xena!! Yeah yeah yeah!!! **does rock sign**

[walker]

I seem to get so bogged down with labels and everything.

James said I havent been suffering from depression - ???????? Is it because it has been a BPD episode instead?

Have worked out 2 things that prob triggered it.

1 - daughter going to uni in 2006

2 - brother suddenly going to Singapore (for ever) 16 months ago.

Spoke to James about the second one and became almost hysterical just going through it.

Am seeing him - my brother - on tues - as he is over here for a week and is actually setting a whole day aside to be with me!!!!

Bit anxious as dont want to spend loads of time crying, with him. Really glad I will see him properly though.

My friend says she feels some of the things I say, too, but that I think too much.

I know what she is saying, and I know she is right.

But as a child was told to stop making suchk a fuss and talking about things, - and just get on - then I would feel better.

SO I hate doing it

Because then it feels like they were right - and I was/am just making a bl***y great fuss, making things bad, drawing attention to myself ---------------- you know the sort of thing.