walker Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 sitting hererealising how I have ruined everythinghow i have been living under the guise of 'illness' for months now - and no one has kicked me hard enough to set me straightI am not illI want to be illYou are illYou DONT want to be illyou spend your energy struggling with each day - trying to find good in your livesI spend my energy forcing myself to do nothing, holding myself back, hiding and avoiding my lifeI am on the point of giving upof putting my smile back onof saying sorry to the world for being such a manipulative liarI am hiding from life - because it didnt feel like mine - but there seems to be no other - or not one I have the strength or energy to findI am so tired of the mess - the mess that I have created - that is caused by me - that I feel imprisoned byThis is all just a lie - a bloody great big lie - filling my ears, my eyes and my headCrashing around inside me - wrapped in layer upon layer of guilt and shameBeating my consciousness over and over againNO ONE else would behave as YOU do, selfish, manipulative, scheming woman set to destroy everything that was good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 When you're NOT in this particluar frame of mind - which does sound very much like the punitive parent - how long do the slightly more self-forgiving feelings last?It seems like this one - the self-blaming, self-hating mode - is kind of your default, but how long do the modes that at least let you feel for a BIT that you really are ill, stay in touch with you?It may be hard to judge right now because the power of the mode will make you feel that this is all there ever has been - but I have seen your other modes and I know they exist. It will be a long hard fight to let those other modes come through more - your punitive parent mode is extremely powerful, and right now I think you are in the grip of it. Punitive Parent mode will feel "true" to you - perhaps even safe, and so the thought that you really arent ill will feel almost relieving to you because you are giving in to an inner message of fear - much like being a good girl so that daddy doesnt get angry.But just because it feels right and safe doesnt make it true.I really wish you could get some proper BPD schema but I appreciate that its unlikely what with the train phobia and money and all :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 please dont hate me for thisthough i wouldnt blame you if you did cos i am such a crap personand i am lying here getting pissed and i dont even drink Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 I dont hate you for it, its what you need to do right now. There are other ways that you could self soothe but right now these dont seem available to you.Just remember that the mode doesnt last, it isnt right, and that you will experiecne more changes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 no its all crapray has gone away and i am getting slowly pissed which i never do - have never done in my whole damn lifebut i dont give a shit anymoe cos i have caused allt hisspoke to my aprents eatrliet and the y were so ind and reasonable and even laughed when i said avbout invalidasting parents at school and dad said wht a us and mum said no we did tht YEARS AGOand we laughed and they said thy lov me and think about me and understand that i want to be alone or they would have come down and i feel like shitutter shitcom[lete shitit is all my fault cos i walked out of wor and made it badwhy doesnt anyone understand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise24 Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Hum, are you trying to say you dont think you are ill? That you just play up that you are? If so, I can sort of understand how you feel.... When I get really bad, I tend to think im not that bad just making out I am... Even though im not in control of the way I am acting. Its weird x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 it stinks bscause i cant see beyonfd itit is me and my fault and nothing elesi am not ill or they wouled lood k after mebut they dont so i must be badbut i have had enough of htisi hurt and they just want me go tog obut i dont wnat to be bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise24 Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Whys it your fault? You cant help whats going on inside of your head? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 i make it badcant anyone seewhy cant they seei have shut out a life of gooed things becaues i am badwhy wont anyone see my family see, they no that i shouldd be working and living ont sat on my aarese wasting my life asawayi just want ot go away from here but no onr will let me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise24 Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Just because you dont have a job or what ever doesnt make you bad.... it means your stuck in a bad place. Its such a vicious circle. You get used to doing nothing, sitting around in front of the t.v or computer, and you dont want to do anything else. I have been there. It DOESNT make you bad. You will get past this. I did, and I was adiment that I would never get out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 i havce a job but i waleked outi dont want oto do anything again everjust want it to go away aned leave me alonewant thm all to leave me lonegod this wine seitill tastes folul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise24 Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 You obviously wasnt in the right place to be working then, you need to get yourself fixed before trying to work again. Who do you want to leave you alone? Do you see anyone to speak about all this hun? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 sorry gettin g raher pised herei want myf amily to leave mte alone, i love them losads and loaeds but i jsut want a breaik breakwant ot get away from wwrything everythingsorryin a mess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Walker, your first post huni, i feel like that all the time, your not alone, and you certainly shouldnt be apologising for the way you feel.Wish I knew what to say to make you realise that you are a good person.You know where i am if you wonna chat hunRach x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise24 Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Maybe just try telling them you want space for a while, whilst you sort yourself out?Is there anyone you can call? like crisis team or a helpline? Just so you can talk? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Yeah, calling crisis team or a helpline would be a good idea i think walker, but only if you feel you canxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CuriosityCat Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Sorry you are hurting walker.Is there anywhere you could go for a few days? Friends, extended family?There is a place in London that offers short stay residential help for people who are suicidal and it doesn't cost anything. Don't know anything about it or if it would be for you, just came across it whilst googling.Hope you feel better soonStay safeCCxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denise24 Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 There is a place near me too that offers crisis accomodation and they have a good help line x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 not suciday jst hurtingwish i was thocan tcall crisi team they need refral rom gp or cpn or someoneeeam on my own til weds so can do watheverbt it idiis all my falt and no one nos Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 who givs a shtit dont matter enyore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 I give a shit walker, i really do, and i really think that you need to talk to somebody better equiped than me, but if you dont feel you can, then please keep telling us how you are feeling, writing it all down can help to get it out of your head, you told me that, and it worked hun, it really did,I hope that your feeling a little better,All my love and Rach xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 thnsk there is nothign you can dofelle bloody sic now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 I thought that the other day when you were helping me, i though, nah they're not going to be able to help me, i'm a lost cause, why are they wasting their time on me?But guess what? You were able to help me, and i realised that it was because you all cared.We are all here for you.You said this to me:and time heals - or none of us would still be hereYOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS - write it out - get the poison out of your headHope your tummy feels better soon xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 blesyor heartwaht a dear girl you arejstu try and get wel now cos it is a bicth when ou dont now til yuor olderi feel absollut shit noew i now whoy i dont drinkand stil there are no ssanswers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crackers Posted October 12, 2008 Report Share Posted October 12, 2008 Drink lots of water, always a great place to start! Will help your tummy, milk might do the trick actually, and sometimes eating bread makes me feeel less sick.I think you need time out, and you need to stop being so hard on yourself, i wish i could tell you why you were feeling like this, and how to make it stop but i can't, but im not going to give up on you, so you better bloody not either, i will be here all night if thats what it takes. I still wish i was hiding in your garage , then i could come and give you a big cuddle,Stay strong, you wont feel like this forever!Love and hugs, Rachie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.