walker Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 It doesnt really matter,No one really cares.They live their lives,From day to dayNot noticing I'm there.It doesnt really matterThey have so much to doMy mother's voice ringsthrough my head'They do not care for you'.It doesnt really matter,No one has the timeTo spend with someonethey dont love,or share a life like mine.It doesnt really matter,The truth is what she said'They just have their own lives to lead,They are not interested.''You do not really matter,No one really cares.Just stop your fuss andwear a smile and never show your fears.''You'll never, ever, matter,To anyone but me'.The saddest thing thatshe could say,if only she would see.I never felt I matteredTo you, or me, or themAnd now each dayI hear those words,Again, again, again.I really am just nothingA waste of food and waterI wish that I coulddisappear. With love, Your only daughter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 It's not crap at all. You matter to me. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy123 Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 hey walker,you matter to me too.Amy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted December 30, 2008 Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 you definitely matter hun but i can relate to those feelings. and the poem isnt crap i really like itxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted December 31, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 thank youyou are good, kind peoplexxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mavis Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Hi Walker,Sorry to be radical I think it is a crap verse in as much as friends and people arent all like that. Everyone has their own life to lead and their own bag of shite.(there can be a good side too)I think it is a bout time you started getting to know you and liking and even loving you for you. Things change, but we get stuck in some areas.I think the verse was well written ad put into words really well so I rate it big time in that way. I also think it is totally CRAP that someone shoul;d speak to you in that way and when you were small when you needed encouragement, love and support. It sounds like this has stayed with you and you believe it anmd is has become a part of you. Much like the crap I got told too. You end up being and living it.But, you are not, you may not be able to see it or feel it.I hope and pray you will see soon enough bit by bit - that you are a good person - maybe you need to challenge those things telling you otherwise and reason with them - is that really how it was? how can someone say that to someone so small and vulnerable. (same reason I am angry with mine too)What says you are a bad person. What determines any of us being bad? This has to come out. You are not bad Walker.The fact people take the time to talk to you on here shows that and you have been very good to me in the past too. I do not believe any part of you is bad. Well ok maybe you have a naughty side - but, dont we all!A lot of people in find dont have time anymore not for anyone, and I hate this about the world. I have to pay someone to talk to. Friends come in different qualities, you could have 6 rubbishy ones and one good one, it depends what you want i woudl prefer the one good one which is what I have but she doesnt have all that much time for me and I can see why, she has a life of her own. I dont even talk to her about my crap so other than my psych feel I have no one to talk to.I find it really hard to talk. Though you read this and think you are not having much of a problem here are you? I know. Because I was dumped on I dont like to dump. I have loads of shit to work on. But I am.Sorry if I upset you.Walker. It's ok.love,mavis x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted December 31, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Dear MavisThankyou for being so honest with meYes, I understand what you are saying.I am sorry, because I forget how a poem like that can hurt those that read it - friends, here on the forum.I am so wrapped up in my world, that I always fail to recognise the impact I have on others - I just assume they dont really care, so I wont really have an effect. Indeed I find it almost impossible to comprehend - and yet I am always apologising for my existence???????There seems to be a total discrepencey there????You are right - those words have been hammered in to me over and over and over, they still are, and even my hub says the same thing(all said in the 'nicest' possible way, and in the name of love)I say them to myself, every day, even when I try to contradict them.I know people with BPD have issues internalizing love, and retaining it when people are absent - BIG ISSUESometimes I feel like I have no journey to take,much of the time - it is like a life sentence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Walker, I feel your pain. I feel my pain and I feel so much more pain. I wish none of us had to feel it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mavis Posted December 31, 2008 Report Share Posted December 31, 2008 Walker,You dont need to apologise to me not for anything.You are entitled to be you. I like and appreciate your openess. No discrepency I can see, no one should have to justify themselves.Well the Walker i see on here - I like.You can PM me about the abscence or anything if you like.mave x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 the problem is I dont really matter , to meIn the summer, I couldnt go up in a lift to see my dad in hospitalWhen I tried to explain to my T about it, I realised it was because if I got stuck no one would know, because I didnt matterthat was the root of my fear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 2, 2009 Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 they are called 'core beliefs'. But you can change them babe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wounded soul Posted January 2, 2009 Report Share Posted January 2, 2009 Hi WalkerThat was a lovely poem,so real and telling youre true feelings.youre not a nobdy,you are somebody who is very giving or you wouldnt be on here offering support to others.Its very difficult in our proffession to make friends and it often leaves you isolated because people dont seem to have the time for eachother.But hey you have us and we are here to support you.Wounded soulxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mavis Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 the problem is I dont really matter , to meIn the summer, I couldnt go up in a lift to see my dad in hospitalWhen I tried to explain to my T about it, I realised it was because if I got stuck no one would know, because I didnt matterthat was the root of my fearHi walker,Sometimes these things happen for a reason well like if this didnt happen although it is horrible you wouldnt be looking at things the way you do now, it is tying to make you look at things instead of hiding them - trying to helpo you get things better.I know what you mean sometimes you have to get past the me bit and do it for someone else regardless. If you did get stuck someone would have known as they use lifts frequently in hospitals for patients drs etc, so they would have known.I did and still do at times feel like this but have to reason with it, it is no different for anyone else either - it bites you on the bum!.take care walker.Lots of love,mavisps. who says you ahve to commit to marriage? there is no right or wrong - it is what is right for the individual the same goes for you, dont let social stigmas and standards or even friends and family determine, it is what is right for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 crap verse,crap personcrap head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 Good verseGood person Good headxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wounded soul Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 yea i agree with Roses.wounded soulxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 omg you guys make me cry - you are so warm and generous heartedI am such a bitchyou just dont knowor see itI am like a big black pen - scribbling over the world Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy123 Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 you are not a bitch walker.you are kind and thoughtful.Amy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 If you tell us why you feel like this we can help you to challenge those feelings hun. Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 read other people's pasts and think wtf have I got to to moan about, what right do I have to cry, to hurtsitting in my bath full of self perpetuated hate and misery Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 I think there are so many reasons people feel down that you can't say you have no right to be here. You are upset and in pain - that's reason enough for me babe. I can try to help but I can't really help you if you don't talk to me. Am worried about you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 i dont know what to saymy head is in a mess againi am wwell and wanting to hurti dont knowdont know waht to say but sorryalways sayignn sorrythey knwot the truth, a well person being badhe knows and watches me and asks why i rock why im rude why im beignnasty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 You are rocking and being rude and nasty because something is causing you pain inside. What is it that hurts so bad Walker?? I understand. For me it's the pain of sexual and mental abuse, the pain of carrying it for years. the pain of keeping it secret and pain of being raped and an old boyfriend trying to kill me, the pain of a Mother who is controlling and believes a cane is just punishment for childish errors and a whole lot more on top. What is your pain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted January 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 nothingnone of thatnothign so badno reasonwsnot like thatit i had those things i woudl understand but i dont dear god i hate being me - i dont deservse a life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy123 Posted January 3, 2009 Report Share Posted January 3, 2009 :bigarmhug[1]: walker don't be so hard on yourself.Amy xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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