Ruth24 Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 I think the problem was partially the way my parents raised me and partially that i am an extremely sensitive person, so negative things that happened affected me to a much bigger degree than it would have affected less sensitive children. theres a reason kids r 'sensitive'. my son was 'sensitive' til he got proper role models in his life I think some kids are more sensitive than others. my siblings don't have BPD. My sister was always known as the sensible one, by brother was the cute one and i was the trouble making sensitive one. All kids are different all kids are different because all parents treat them diffiernetly. regardless of how people claim to treat their kids all the same all of the research studies proove that this is not true. depending on how they feel about having a particular kid at a particular time, depending on how they feel about having a girl or boy etc etc effects how parents respond to their children. theirs studies that proove that parents will treat a healthy baby much betetr than a sickly one, they also show that pretty babys and children are reponded to much quicker than unatractive children. also there is a much higher incidence of post natal depression when mothers have boys than girls (probably due to tha fact that boys are more likely to cause more difficult pregnancys, labours and be more sickly straight after birth. also kids autmoaticly respond in a way that gains favour with parents, they will all find a niece within a family, one will likely be more like the mother, one more like the father, one will be more studious if this gains favour and one might try being funny if this gains attention, so whether or not a child is senstive is not the childs fault. I have to disagree with this. not all kids are born the same and I think parents should treat the kids differently to allow for their needs. My daughter is very clingy so she gets lots of hugs and kisses. by son hates hugs and kisses so i show him love in a different way. Parents should show they love all their kids equally but not always in the same way. My siblings and i are all totally different. they didn't need to shown love and affection. it was always assumed in my family but never shown or said. I craved attention and wanted hugs and kisses but never got them. That is why they don't have issues with my parents and i do. I think its wrong to treat all kids the same Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted July 7, 2009 Report Share Posted July 7, 2009 My father was an angel, but never home due to work. My mother was home after work, after school, but either left me in daycare when I was small, and then got older she just didn't speak to me unless she was screaming at me. She was a Narcissist also...No one had a clue. I blame her for for not giving me love, showing me what love is about, affection etc; It has hindered my relationships and made me cold. She physically beat me whenever she saw fit, and was mentally abusive at all times...I was dumb, lazy, clutzy, worthless...she use to always say "You've beat all I've ever seen" when making any comments towards me, like I was THE dumbest, THE clumsiest... Anyhow I think I'm babbling, but yea, I blame her for a lot. It's amazing what a little kindness does to one, and what going without it does also...She taught me nothing but sadness, and made me figure out the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
profound1 Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 I am not keen to use the word blame, who am I to lay blame on anyone else for my inadequacies, I am a nothing. I do feel that my parents largely contributed to the development of some of my problems, particularly my mother (that sounds like blaming doesn't it!!). This was brought to my attention by my psychologist. Before that I just always thought I was dysfunctional because I was weak and over sensitive. I feel furious and hateful towards my mother for some things she has done or not done and I cannot accept or even begin to think about forgiving her. She is totally unaware of the massive negative impact she has had on me and truly believes she was wonderful. In many ways she was, or so I thought, I didn't know any different back then but now I see things through adult eyes I realise she was not who I thought she was. Regardless of whether she is to blame my psychologist points out that "I am responsible now for myself and my future, I can make choices and make changes, the past is past and I cannot change that"....... true but it doesn't make things any easier to deal with. I don't know how to be any other way than I am, I only know how to be fooked up. What a life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 I don't blame my parents. I think they didn't know how to do any better. I blame my older sister though. She has no excuse. It'll be very difficult for me to ever forgive her for the emotional and psychological abuse she put me through. but as parents they should hve known better, thats part of being a parent going out and educating themselves as to what a kid needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 our parents put us through very varied things my parents did the best they could they did not set out to hurt me in any way how dare i blame them they tried their best - did good things yes they controlled and still control me they frightened me, they judged me, they criticised me, they undermined me, they dismissed me i am a failed version of them but they didnt beat me (although my father would have done if mum hadnt stopped him) they didnt abuse me they didnt neglect me blame them for what? doing their best? withing their own problems, own past, own sickness and pain? i do blame them, then i dont i blame myself more i hear u roxy and sometimes i have almost hated them and blamed them but i cant do it - yes - u are right - i run from that child she is scared, she needs approval, she needs to feel safe with them. since i have been off work it has been different, i have distanced, i speak to them less often, i flip in and out of blame but cannot hold onto it what i DO hold onto, is that I am to blame for my children's problems i see myself in my daughter to often - i blame myself, and sadly they do not want me to, but they should your parents may have done alot of good things for you, but they clearly did plenty very bad. if they deserve credit for the good things then they deserve blame for the bad, same as any of us, thats part of being an adult Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 Roxy, I don't know if you are a parent, but it is hard. you do your best for your kids, but with my MH issues i have spent a lot of time in hospital and i don't know how this has affected them. My parents made mistakes, and it hurt me and affected me more than they realise. My mother had depression and they were noth alcoholics. they are illnesses in themselves so how can i blam them? Being a parents is hard at the best of times, but when MH is added it becomes a real struggle. If my children turn out to have BPD or emotional problems I know i would be at fault. But i am doing my best. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxy222 Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 as i nhave said many times o this site no i am not a parent, i intend to be stable first as that is my choice i have worked in childcare for years, esspecially children who have been abused, so have had alot of training on child development and attachment and child protection alot of parnets make mistakes, thats human, but that doesnt lessen the effect on the kids. what does is when they hold up their hands and say they were rong and try to do better next time. i am not saying parents should be hated, but when theyv done something wrong they should be blamed for it after all they are the adults and have choices unlike the child. as the child victim it is instinctive to blame ourselves, and that is damaging and by shifting the blame onto those who deserve it we take steps to be free of the blame that we never deserved. alot of parents do bad and good things, but are allways jumping to accept credit for everything they get right. i think part of being an adult is accepting both the credit for the rite things and the blame for the wrong things. blame does not equal hate, someone can blame their parents for the things they did rong but also still be close and loving, if they do good things also. some parents ofcourse ony do rong, or do rong intentionally in which case it is better for people to stay away from these kinds of people, even if they are the parents Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
les66 Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 To be honest I do not know on this one as I have hatred towards my father for what done but then I question it over and over in my mind. Main questions are; did he do it intentionally???? did he have a mental illness also???? I will never have that answered as he is no longer alive so I beat myself up constantly. Alright for professionals I see to say 'let it go' Leslie x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trace Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 I blamed my parents for a long time. In therapy I have come to "know", that there was nothing I could have done to change who they were or how they parented or not parent me. I come to "know" that they were sick in their own rights and it was not a personal vendetta against me. I can say, coming to this inner knowledge has allowed me to find peace of mind and to even have empathy for my parents, though I do not wish to be in their lifes. From what i have learnt on my journey I realize just how "fucked up" people can be and that no one and I mean no one is born wanting to be fucked up, not even my parents, but that doesn't take away the hurt I experienced. I no longer wish to spent my precious time putting down my parents, having told my story over and over in 7 long yrs of therapy, I feel its out of me now. I am able to go about my life living alongside all the sadness of my childhood and seeing my parents for who they were and not as I would have wished them to have been. I'm sorry that they were never in a position to find out for themselves that recovery is possible, a different generation I guess. Anyways, as Maya Angelou says "when we know better, we do better" and thats all there is to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jades Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 trace said what i was gonna lol i cant bring myself to blame them anymore although i know im quick to vilanise them because i resent what i went thru but i dont resent it cause of them anymore. they have done everything they can to make it up to me and are good people now. maybe they always were and it was all my perception is what i struggle with. i know ive always been too sensative and still am. i get quite confused about this but i dont blame them anymore. imo its a waste of my mind. id rather be happy now and enjoy my life as it is now cause i dont want to live in the past but thats just me. each has their own journey but my theropist has really helped me thru this. take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 Everyone has some cross to bear, and mine is the bad parenting, the bipolar condition and this bpd thing I'm recovering from. It could definitely be worse. I am happy now that I have this experience under my belt and that I can now get busy parenting my Self. I feel blessed to have undergone such feats of Transformation. I walk in gratitude everywhere I go. My new saying: "Negative shit doesn't have to be negative if it opens the doors of Transformation." either by expansion of compassion or by a lesson about ego, attachment, and boundaries.... It's good to "Matter", that is, to Materialize for this short interval on "the sacred Hoop" or "this mortal coil". When our parents are dead, they finally comprehend the contents of our hearts, and then they wail or throw dishes, because they wasted their lives. Above all, imo, our purpose in life is to experience the joy of Harmony and be kind to ourselves, raise ourselves up into the men and women we were born to become! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sammy Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 To an extent I blame my parents for many of the emotional difficulties I have suffered throughout my life. What I mean is: My mother was neglectful, the only time she'd do anything for one of us was if she had something to gain from it. She would give her love in order to recieve adoration, but take it away just as fast when dissapointed because we formed our own opinion or disagreed with her or didn't do as she asked - even if what she asked was unreasonable. Even then I use the world love loosely - I don't believe she has the ability to love in the true sense of the word, her 'love' was a selfish love. She abandoned us as children and my dad brought us up. She abadoned us often - maybe it would have been better had she just left the once and never come back, but instead she would come back and we'd put her on a pedestal after missing her, whilst she bought us presents and spoilt us before disappearing again. Hurt over and over. When we did live with her she'd stop us seeing our dad, more hurt for us. Luckily he went for legal custody which was granted. Although she would buy us things to spoil us (things we wanted) she rarely gave us the things we needed. Her punishments were harsh, unjust and inconsistent. It was hard to know where we stood or how to please her, because one day something would please her the next it would make her mad. My mum is a narcissist and has never changed the way she treated us even into adulthood which is why I am no longer able to have contact with her. My dad on the other hand was an authoritarian who raised us as Jehovah's witness, with a negligable social life, no birthdays or christmas or easter, bible bashed hours a day, humiliated with door to door service every week, brainwashed, instilled fear of the world, materialism, people, armageddon, elders, parents and god as well as sex for pleasure or masturbation. Further education was discouraged, studying other religious material was forbidden as was socialising with worldly (anyone not a JW) people. Certain music and reading was forbidden (smurfs were evil - just one example). Television was bad etc... However, I knew then and know now that my dad did what he believed was the right thing, therefore although I believe my upbringing caused many issues for me, I don't 'blame' him. My mother on the other hand I do blame, she was completely selfish and negligent and uncaring, unloving and lacked any sense of responsibility - her own words were that she did not want children so therefore shouldn't have to be responsible for them. However she didn't even have enough consideration for us for a clean break, but used us as pawns to hurt my dad and stepmum. I honestly do believe the only reason she stayed in our lives or allowed us to live with her on occasions was to get to my dad. It certainly wasn't out of any care or consideration for us as children. She hates children and says so openly. I think for me the thing is that it's ok if parents make mistakes, as long as they do what they believe is best for the child and learn by their mistakes, admit when they are wrong, and do what they can to atone for those errors. (except for outright abuse - as this is intentional with knowledge of damage being done) With all that being said, I don't actively blame my mother - by that I mean I don't dwell on it, I've written her off and moved on. I care not if she changes or if she stays the same, or if she's happy or sad, or lives or dies. Thinking about her, dwelling on who or what to blame, serves me no purpose. The past is but the past, today is today and tomorrow is a new day with new hope and anything is possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deniserae81 Posted July 8, 2009 Report Share Posted July 8, 2009 I do put a lot of the blame on my late father. Looking back, he was the sorriest son of a b***h you ever met. He did a lot of bad things to his family. My late mom, she just went with the flow, and was quiet. She would let people walk all over her, but she tried her best to be a wonderful mother. I wished I knew what to do, and exactly who to blame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted July 9, 2009 Report Share Posted July 9, 2009 The words "assigning responsibility" and "blaming" have such different emotional responses for me. I can assign responsibility to my parents for doing some toxic / abusive shit. I can also assign responsibility to myself for acting out against my daughter in the past, and have done so. Assigning responsibility simply means analyzing the past in an effort to learn something and move forward. Sincere apologies are certainly key to that. Blame on the other hand carries a stink of victim consciousness. It dehumanizes the other person, who despite being sorry sons and daughters of bitches, are humans nonetheless. Our equals in a democracy of souls. Blame traps us in the ongoing position of victim and gives them ongoing power as perpetrators. It labels them, which incarnates that archetype--it makes a bad idea into flesh! If you don't bother to analyze the past, you can't assign responsibility, learn, and move forward, choosing your path consciously. My dad did X, Y, and Z to me, giving me a wealth of "Don't's" that I can index, a bad-advice-column if you will. The mistakes I make are, at least, new and improved compared to his. And I'm not going to die alone and unhappy, I have chosen life and to surround myself with delight. What about blame? What if I choose to continue to blame him for the bizarre psychological abuse he inflicted on me? Egads, I did that for over 35 years! Each time, the triggering sensation of being his victim again, and again, and again! it was paralyzing. Every memory triggered glitches of pain that would rack my mind and body. I sought emptiness or physical pain to escape from it. Now that my inner child and I are on speaking terms (she's not afraid of me s/i anymore, there is no more punishment no more blame!) she tells me her core beliefs. The big one right now is, "I'm not ALLOWED!" I was not ALLOWED to self-actualize, that was entirely too threatening to my parents. I was not allowed to stand up into my godhead and say I AM! I am a creator. I create artwork and I have created human life. I am part of the godhead, and so was my father! and I feel that he wasted his life--a shakespearian or greek mythological tragedy of monumental proportions. He didn't know it, he always thought i was out to get him because he lived in a victims consciousness. You're right, he was above all a coward, trapped in the self-triggering mental state of blaming others for all his troubles. Well, the Universe keeps planting human seeds of the godhead called Courage here on Earth, and as that seed, it's my joy and my duty to grow. Blame requires punishment, giving a coward something to be afraid of......how much fun is that? Assigning responsibility makes me feel detached from the past, it's crystallized into a puzzle that I can manipulate, take apart, and let go of, because I'm off to the next activity: having more than 4 hours of fun per hour! Forgiveness is not just the absence of blame. It accommodates assigning responsibility. But I agree that you cannot force it. Instead, we become available to it. Forgiveness is a kind of Grace, a window of opportunity that we have to be attuned to in order to notice, want, or reach it. We have to open our hearts more just in general. I would say that Forgiveness is a spiritual experience, not a "therapeutic" one.....Forgiveness is another of the seeds of the godhead, along with Courage and Compassion. It is our joy and duty to grow into them at our own pace and in our own way. Well, that's what I think, anyhow......... love and light, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tillie Posted July 9, 2009 Report Share Posted July 9, 2009 It doesn't matter if I blame my parents... I understand how disturbed they were and the horrors they put their children through... I developed the way I did as a result of their craziness. I don't hate them -- they were miserable and unhealthy and never got any help. I wish there wasn't such a family legacy of pain and mental illness but the truth is I come from a long line of dysfunctional people. So where would the blame start, three generations ago or six generations ago... either way the real question is who do I blame for the things I do today? I only have me to look to and I'm trying to learn that I don't have to be all good or all bad. A previous poster quoted Maya Angelou's "You did what you knew then, and when you knew better, you did better" and that is soooo appropriate! I am trying to seek help and do better. I haven't learned to forgive myself -- intellectually I understand the need... The biggest catch for BPD is how can you forgive yourself when your basic sense of yourself is that you're a monster anyway... it's like going against the BPD religion! No wonder we get confused... oh, what was the question? LOL Til Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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