Ruth24 Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Hiya sweetie, well done for getting this far and knowing you have to face it and let it be. You seem to have a great understanding of what you need to do. You are being very brave, keep it up and i hope that you manage to bring light into the dark soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 ys the mh people have told me it is self harm it is impulsive and hurts and i NEED IT and when it goes i am lost but when i am in it it is hell and i dont joke when i say it is permeating EVERY day of my existence - in almost every action i take it is exhausting and agonising and is breaking me apart the dumb thing is - when i worked, when i cleaned, when i did the garden, when i cooked, when i when i when i - i still hurt inside - i still cried - i still felt wrong yet now they are screaming and screaming at me - if u do those things then you are fine and I AM NOT FINE - I AM HURTING - so i cannot move christ - it is crippling me inside my head and tearing me apart yes i guess the punishing voices soothe - they tell me how it is - how i am - they tell me the truths they always told me - but just as they were inconsistent and in conflict - so they remain so in my head - they give me good healthy advice - and they drag me down and tell me i am not .......... not ......... well not right, that how i think feel act is wrong hell am getting in mess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Hell walkie feel free to get in a mess - I just listened to a piece of music and was blubbing my eyes out, whilst at the same time feeling so angry my hands were shaking ... you arent going to hear any criticism from me on being emotional Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 bless you xxxxxxxxxx ( oh by denial - i think i mean people have been telling me how i do not accept i am ill - and YES that is a big issue - as i just cant accept this is illness - and i cant accept that my perception of the world is skewed - it is just too much , and when i do - OUT leaps the judgment and condemnation -----james tld me last year that the very fact i need to hurt and cannot feel well is in itself illness - but the battle rages ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Hiya sweetie, well done for getting this far and knowing you have to face it and let it be. You seem to have a great understanding of what you need to do. You are being very brave, keep it up and i hope that you manage to bring light into the dark soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Hi Ruthie Thank you I dunno I never feel like Im being brave ... I mean, it hurts at first when all this stuff comes up, but then it feels so rewarding to have made the connections. I dunno if that is part of my approval seeking pattern - like "oh I have been a clever boy! I have figured this thing out! *goes online to share it and seek approval* ". I wonder if I didnt have that tendecny to approval seek, would I really be so quick to feel the bad feelings? I know when they come along and will not go, I will do anything to get rid of them. Insight brings relief, and an instant ipulse to share it for that approval. Maybe I will try NOT sharing these things, and see what happens. I am expecting a lot of internal protest from me. Maybe this is actually a partly healthy thing too though, that I can bear feeling the pain because I know I can come here and at least feel good for figuring it out and feeling through it? Not sure, "Clever Ross" is another one of my faces, in there with "Little Denial Ross" lol. Although I am seeing on this site that I can be accepted for all the other parts of me too, and slowly they are coming out into the sunshine too ... just have to make sure they dont get muscled aside by the approval seeking bits Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Dunno what's going on now as I missed loads but I'ma still with you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Dunno what's going on now as I missed loads but I'ma still with you xxx Lol nw I slept and more stuff came up and things Too much brainey fartey type type from Rossie :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 there is nothing wrong with approval seeking - although i prefer to see it as affirmation..... and this is after all a peer lead place, yuo go through stuff, you figure it out, yuo post it, it helps someone else!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rossie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sleep can go 2 ways can't it, either really good or just plain shit! I had that thing last night where I closed my eyes and about 3/5 seconds later had a horrific flash and jumped awake. I had it like that for about half an hour and was very traumatised last night but eventually my meds kicked in and I dozed off. I think I could do with a re-boot to original programme. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 True Chippies But for me its a bit like the old alcoholism stereotype - if you go back to your addiction before you can control it, it takes over again ... Even my first T identified approval addiction as being a major issue for me. At least I now have a better understanding of it, instead of the then advice of "dont approval seek" which was a bit useless lol Its my coping mechanism - what makes me feel good. But its also part of my cycle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 I was told in group T that we are not attention/approval SEEKING - we are attention/approval NEEDING subtly but important diferece - shame most mh workers see it differently Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rossie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sleep can go 2 ways can't it, either really good or just plain shit! I had that thing last night where I closed my eyes and about 3/5 seconds later had a horrific flash and jumped awake. I had it like that for about half an hour and was very traumatised last night but eventually my meds kicked in and I dozed off. I think I could do with a re-boot to original programme. xxx Oo 'sleep onset anxiety', yeah I get that. Like dooooze BAM .... dooooooze BAM. Poop. *Presses roses' ctrl alt del buttons* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 I was told in group T that we are not attention/approval SEEKING - we are attention/approval NEEDING subtly but important diferece - shame most mh workers see it differently I think the semantics can sometimes hold a hidden judgement. For me, I dont feel the word 'seeking' as bad, it just described what I do. In order to feel valuable, I need to be seen as clever and show off my knowledge. I need to show my innate talents and have them recognised, and I have spent my life pursuing that instead of acceptance - clearly for me an unhealthy state of things. I do need approval - but by chasing after it I keep in place the mechanisms that stop me seeking or gaining acceptance. After all, with approval I must be "special" or "the best". I am feeling good only when I am perfect. If I am not perfect, I am the very opposite of that and there is no inbetween - the inbetween being acceptance, validation. Though approval seeking or needing IS a healthy human behaviour, total reliance on it, as in me, is very UNhealthy. It is like having a diet that consists only of cakes and sweets - it tastes oh so sweet but ultimately gives you a stomach ache. It doesnt mean you shouldnt have SOME cakes, just not a diet solely made of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 To add to the above There is also a sense of shame - after all to want to be seen as all those things, to many, can make you seem arrogant, conceited and big headed. Thats why for me, approval seeking also comes with its own inbuilt anxiety - the fear of being punished and rejected for being "up myself". This fear does not come with acceptance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 i think i hav a v despt need to be best and cos i cant be - i run, and avoid - but being best - being approved of and given attentin - does bring with it a shed load of guilt i used to get my fill - by performing at school i was terrified, but i NEEDED it , and a part of me knew i was good, but the rest of me knew i wastnt ??????????? i loved the praise, and approval etc, but it embarrassed me too, and made me feel ashamed as arrogance, and conceite are very very loaded and dirty words to my mother and it was hard cos my dad didnt say much - cant recall any comments actually - and my mum would ocme back stage and be this wonderful, gracious, kind person who would smile and congratualte everyone but would save her praise for me for the home - as she was obsessed with being seen as an indulgent, child adoring mother it hurt it still hurts and makes me cry i remember asking 'didnt I do well then?' and she would say well of course you did but u know i think you did well you are my daughter but it felt like she was too ashamed of me sorry got lost in selfpity there i was only trying to say there seems to be lots of guilt and anxiety tied up with feeling approved of and noticed - oh shit - i thought i knew what i was trying to say but all the time i am check check checking my words Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 I seek approval, but when i get it i feel it is fake and not heartfelt. I cannae win! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Hi Walker I donmt think you are getting lost in self pity at all - reading what you are saying feels exactly like when I am thinking things through, making connections and starting to feel what some of the other parts of me feel. It sounds like some part of you feels denied something she very much wanted, and there is a hurt and sadness there. Its just that no sooner do you feel those parts, than LB&QW comes back in. I can relate very much to what you said with "didnt I do well then". It was as though when I was very little, the praise was more frequent, or perhaps had a more lasting effect. It seemed to dry up as time went on, but my impulse to get it did not. In fact the impulse grew stronger the less it was being satisfoed, and so it became the driving force of 'me'. It founs utlets in academic achievement, if not verbally from others at least in the form of getting A's. But I very much recall that same "of course I am proud of you, you are my son". Like, 'dont you realise that I need to hear you say that'? Mum too had that same thing about being conceited and not showing praise publically. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 I seek approval, but when i get it i feel it is fake and not heartfelt. I cannae win! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Hm tis an interestin thing there ... I guess for me, if its to do with my intelligence or ability, I tend to believe the approval and so feel good. Its makin me see how at least in one way, there was something I could do to make myself feel better, an old drug I could turn to. Its just that in the last few years of my life that became more of a burden than a gift. I can see though that for folks who do not have even that to cling to, life must be even harder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Mine was the other way round. instead of being praised for getting an A i would be barated for getting a B. 'work harder, why are you slacking...' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wobbles Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 i think perhaps my life is largely uniform and deep depression when it isnt - it is guilt - or anxiety - or anger - etc even happines brings those feelings i feel very much i am on the other side of the wall to u - and u are not the first to label it with the word denial yes ross u are very very very right - i have an intense need for that part of me to be acknowledged and accepted and not 'made better' i dont know hav lost it a bit - cant think - but i too have felt very split - for a long time - there is a chaotic, spontaneous person who is in conflict with the one who is crying out for structure and on top of that is all this shit and judgment and hate and rage and confusion and well i feel lost i am so glad for u that u are tugging the threads apart xxxx - yes - it hurts so so much - i feel for u Hi walker I didnt mean to use the word denial lightly, thats just what I have decided to call that little part of me - "Little Denial Ross". I am not saying that he is denying a truth, or burying his head in the sand - I am saying he is denying the alternatives, the therapy beliefs, the anger ones. I guess this comes to the core of it - for him, the truth is that he is bad, its his fault, he should just shut up and be calm. That is HIS truth. Maybe it would be better to label him "Little Bad and Quiet Ross", I dont know. All I am saying is, I am not trying to suggest you are "in denial" which always seems a very pejorative term, one we have freud to thank for but that has perhaps become twisted in the modern vocabulary. There are many reason why people hang on to these things, and its because of the intense feelings in there. All I am saying is, i feel like I understand a little more as a result of what I have been feeling, why you would hang on to it. It feels like an undeniable truth - almost that what others see as 'healthy' is actually the denial. Can also relate to feeling bad when I feel happy - as I was going through this yesterday, one or two things happened and it made me laugh. There was this instant feeling of SOMETHING - I dont know what it was, but it felt bad and I stopped laughing. I think it was mums voice saying "see? youre laughing now - the problems cant have been that big after all, so just remember that next time you have a tantrum". I almost dont want to laugh. They would also do this thing Ihated - if I had just exploded or ot sad, they would do "I can see a little smile comiiiiing" which I would hate, because it was like they had already invalidated me, denied my feelings, and now they were trying to rip them out of me with this attempt to make me smile. At first it did work, which I further resented, then after a while I would just stay angry - which got even more disapproval. Am feeling this right at this very minute. Have had a nice night out, laughed a lot, enjoyed myself and now i'm depressed as hell, punishing myself for having fun, enjoying myself, feel dirty, bad, and disgusting. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Mine was the other way round. instead of being praised for getting an A i would be barated for getting a B. 'work harder, why are you slacking...' LOl can relate to that side of the coin too, ruthie belive me! IF I got the A, I would get the priase. If I got the B, same situ as you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Hi Wobbles Not to pry, but I am kinna fascinated by what u might be feeling at the mo, because of how current it all is. Can you identify what it is you are hearing, feeling, seeing, or what you feel it is connected to? Who or what is making you feel disgusting? This is me kinna hoping that your insight will open a door for me too .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruth24 Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 Would like to add, i wasn't showing off about getting A's. I had to work hard for them. But my siblings found getting A's really easy. so i had to work hard in order to keep up. bloody parents. A's were expected, anything less was a fail in their eyes. My mum has no o-levels. go figure!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted October 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 I didnt think you were showing off ruthie You are having that same guilty reaction to even mild own-trumpet blowing that I get mabbe My mum also had few quallies - I think I was meant to be a vicarious genius and achiever for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 24, 2009 Report Share Posted October 24, 2009 i was sat between a father that thought only best was good enough - and there was no point trying unless it was to win/be best and a mother who said - its ok just try, doesnt matter what u do, just do your best - but i never believed her i cant talk about this now as it is triggering me - and messing my head and making me angry as they are all in my head arguing and justifying themselves and little t is being trampled on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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