Bpd Issues

[lavoisier]

Hi Everyone, can somebody please help me?

My name is Paul and I live in the UK. I have been dx with EUPD(BPD) since about 1991 although I have hadit much longer than that.I am currently going through one of the worst episodes I have ever had.

I live with my partner and her daughter who is 23. My partners daughter has just started to see a boy aged 22. She is very loving and affectionate towards me and I rely on her somewhat.

I am consumed with jealousy and a fear of abandonment that is unparalleled in my past. I am continuously thinking of ways I can end this relationship and claim her back for myself. I do realise that this had to happen one day but I have just buried my head. I tried to take my life about 3 weeks ago but couldn't go through with it, which tends to make me feel a bit of a failure. I love this girl to bits and I am beginning to wonder if I am actually in love with her, or at least the idea of being in love with her.

I would be grateful for any advice I can get or perhaps any books that could be recommended that may help me deal with my issues.I don't want this to go so far that it ends in tragedy, which it is heading towards.

I thank everybody who has taken the time to read this and hope you're having a good day.

Thanks

Paul

[donnam]

hi,

i know its not easy but the rational part of u knows that u will not lose her, even if she moves out, i am sure u will still see her often.

its hard with bpd, do u not think it could be more of a father daughter type relationship?

and if it is a new relationship she may not stay with the guy, i guess what i am saying is taking small steps, one day at a time, and see where her relationship goes.

but if u try and split them u she will resent u and u will probably end up losing her.

cad

[lavoisier]

hi,

i know its not easy but the rational part of u knows that u will not lose her, even if she moves out, i am sure u will still see her often.

its hard with bpd, do u not think it could be more of a father daughter type relationship?

and if it is a new relationship she may not stay with the guy, i guess what i am saying is taking small steps, one day at a time, and see where her relationship goes.

but if u try and split them u she will resent u and u will probably end up losing her.

cad

Hi Cad,

thanks for your reply,

to be honest I'm so confused with all my emotions I wouldn't like to pin a label to them. I just get a lot of mental pictures of them together and the thought of somebody touching and kissing her makes me feel physically sick. Is that a father and daughter relationship, I don't know, never having come across this before?

She knows of the pain it is causing but continues to see him no matter what state I'm in. That hurts too. To think this guy is getting put before my feelings is too much. Perhaps that's just me being very self centred.

The small steps idea is a great one and yes the rational side of me knows that I won't lose her, but the BPD all or nothing, black and white thinking has her gone already.

Thanks ever so much for taking the time to reply.

Paul

[donnam]

i can relate to the all or nothing, i am horrendous with abandonment issues.

i think she probably thinks of u as her dad/step dad, and that it is natural for parents to feel the way u do, about her leaving etc. i will worry when my son and daughter move on (3 and 5) and sure i will feel the same.

i think most fathers will hate the thought of other ppl touching there daughter etc, i think that is natural.

i think with the fact she still sees him, she will see it is her life to live and up to her who she sees, i am sure she is not purposefully trying to upset u but has to live her own life 2.

as much as she prob trys ppl without mh issues generally dont understand how things can actually eat us alive.

sorry if not much use

cad

[abigail]

You know the reality. She is your partner's child. You are her father figure.You feel that the way you think and feel about her is 'out of kilter', otherwise you wouldn't have a death wish.

If you have been diagnosed with BPD, then your life has been full of trauma, especially of abandonment, and perhaps even sexuality (there are fathers who sometime see their daughters in a sexual way, and even more for stepfathers).

I think that this relationship of her's is triggering the pains of the past, and past abandonments and past "inappropriate" sexual feelings.

I don't know anything about love. I do however know it's not about lust. All I can say about love is that I have stayed alive because of the pain my death would create in the people around me.

I know pain. When I was alone I cried and cried, and it was a good way to begin. That's why I still take antidepressants. I couldn't think and grow and change without it, and therapy.

Crying is the body's way of dealing with the black hole of despair. The bodies of men as well as women.

survive please

abigail

[lavoisier]

I'm not too sure about the lust feelings you are mentioning, however I am open to ideas.

All my life I have craved a family to make up for the dysfunctional one I was brought up in, and yes there was abuse of all kinds.

Now I have\had it and along comes this lad and breaks it up. I only have my partner and her daughter in my family and they are soooo precious to me. I don't want her to go and perhaps move out.

As for the suicide attempt, it wasn't(that I'm aware of) inappropriate feelings, it was the thought of losing her to somebody else. I just couldn't cope with the thought of her being with somebody else instead of me. Yes I admit I'm obsessed with her, so maybe you're right, maybe there are some latent feelings I haven't recognised.

Thanks for your time in reading this post. I'm grateful for all input.

Paul

[Brokenbutterfly]

Abandonment is huge for me also.. Constantly consumes me with fear... But I find if I take a moment and make myself

think lots "

I am reacting this is bpd". That I can cope with the emotion better. I also tell people how and why I feel what I feel. Maybe I'd you partner knew what and why she could do more to eleviate your fears.?

It sucks !!! But to be honest and talk helps :)

[melba]

I'm not too sure about the lust feelings you are mentioning, however I am open to ideas.

All my life I have craved a family to make up for the dysfunctional one I was brought up in, and yes there was abuse of all kinds.

Now I have\had it and along comes this lad and breaks it up. I only have my partner and her daughter in my family and they are soooo precious to me. I don't want her to go and perhaps move out.

As for the suicide attempt, it wasn't(that I'm aware of) inappropriate feelings, it was the thought of losing her to somebody else. I just couldn't cope with the thought of her being with somebody else instead of me. Yes I admit I'm obsessed with her, so maybe you're right, maybe there are some latent feelings I haven't recognised.

Thanks for your time in reading this post. I'm grateful for all input.

Paul

This is very serious and you need to talk to someone about it, a board like this can no way even begin to solve this. I understand your feelings, but what you choose to do with them is your choice, something you do have control over. Get help now!

[lavoisier]

I'm sorry if I've upset you. I don't necessarily want this board to sort it but I thought perhaps talking about it might help. This is an abandonment issue, not a sexual one!

I thought boards like this were here to listen to everyone without making judgements, providing there are no triggers that could make people feel worse.

As for help, I am talking to somebody regularly at MIND about this but it's only talking to others who have BPD I thought would have a better idea about what I was talking about.

Paul

[Villan]

Hey Paul,

You are right, there is a load of difference between having these feelings and acting on them... what you have tried to do here is voice them to get additional insight into your feelings and ways that you can help yourself deal with them... there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion...

You admit yourself that these feelings arent healthy but they are there nevertheless... and i personally think it is a big thing to admit to them and a very mature thing to own them...

I am sorry but i do not have BPD, so i cant help with that stuff, but i do have a history of having feelings for unavailable/inapropriate people... in my case, it is all to do with being an adult child of a dysfunctional family... i know that boundaries are important in relationships, so maybe enquire about that, maybe even look into codependence, which is what i suffer from...

I am at work just now, but i do have some good books both on codependence and also adult child and boundaries stuff that have helped me - if you want i can have a look when i get home and let you have the titles...

You have shown your maturity by asking for help on this one and i hope you do get some answers...

Kath x

[sarabpd]

Everyone has a right to their opinion and it is the way perceive them that is being described. Do not feel attacked as this will only deepen what your thoughts are going through at the moment.

I agree that she may see you as a father figure and if that line is crossed you will cause trauma. As you say though it is all in your thoughts and I think the others have given good advice.

I wish you luck and hope you can resolve them without feeling too alone

[lavoisier]

Hey Paul,

You are right, there is a load of difference between having these feelings and acting on them... what you have tried to do here is voice them to get additional insight into your feelings and ways that you can help yourself deal with them... there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion...

You admit yourself that these feelings arent healthy but they are there nevertheless... and i personally think it is a big thing to admit to them and a very mature thing to own them...

I am sorry but i do not have BPD, so i cant help with that stuff, but i do have a history of having feelings for unavailable/inapropriate people... in my case, it is all to do with being an adult child of a dysfunctional family... i know that boundaries are important in relationships, so maybe enquire about that, maybe even look into codependence, which is what i suffer from...

I am at work just now, but i do have some good books both on codependence and also adult child and boundaries stuff that have helped me - if you want i can have a look when i get home and let you have the titles...

You have shown your maturity by asking for help on this one and i hope you do get some answers...

Kath x

Thanks Kath,

The message I was referring to made me feel awful, and whilst everyone is entitled to their opinion I think it a shame that a little less judging and a little more sympathy doesn't go into certain replies, for what, to me, is a huge problem. Your message however has made things ok again.

I am currently reading a book by John Bradshaw about reclaiming your inner child and I too am an Adult Child from a very dysfunctional family. He speaks a lot of wisdom, but I would be grateful for any other books you could recommend, only if you have time though.

Thanks

Paul x

[just.me]

I think your feelings are in fact normal to some extent, you have been this childs father for a long time or at least a father figure. You now see her as growing up, not needing you so much anymore. Mothers have these feelings towards their children.

You are not losing her, she is just growing up. The relationship you once had will always be close, but now she will be telling her bf things as opposed to you.

Don't beat yourself up so much about how you are feeling. But realise that sooner or later she was going to have to grow up and become an adult.

[Villan]

i have pm'd you some stuff :)