Bpd And Looks

[Narcissa]

i was talking to my friend this morning and she said that it seems that bpd is an illness for pretty people. I don't know what to think about this. I mean anyone can have bpd regardless of looks.

[Roses]

Yeah, sounds silly to me. If anything I get the opposite with MH. Because I am (apparently) pretty and well dressed, have a high IQ and comb my hair I have been overlooked and not offered the correct treatments from ages of 12 up until 30 when I had my latest big breakdown and someone decided to actually listen to me. I am now a "lifer" on mental health team and am on 6 different MH drugs of which the hated lithium is one. I was one step away from long term hospitalisation and ECT. I often joke that next time I have review I am going to put on a tin foil hat and collect old cans and dead rats in a shopping trolley. Guaranteed instant admission to ward if I tip up looking like that!

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo

Might be controversial, but sexual abuse is very often in the histories of those with BPD. It sounds awful, but perhaps its a case that being physically attractive increases the likelihood of an abuser being drawn to and perpetrating that particular kind of destructive parenting / relationship / crime on the person?

I dont mean they bring it on themselves - I mean that those who would victimise others on a sexual basis are more likely to go for the ones who are attractive.

Ross

[Roses]

This is a valid point Ross. I have had a lot of abusive bf too. Basically, as I understand it, a personality disorder happens when a child's natural developmental processes are interrupted by a traumatic event be it bereavement, abuse, relocation to another country, bullying etc......

[notawallflower]

:trigger: :trigger:

I think it's true, Ross. I was raped by four men by the age of fifteen. I have noticed that there are some incredibly beautiful, sexual, women who have bpd out there..that combination of looks and charisma coupled with a childlike innocence can be very appealing, and the ones I've known were also highly intelligent and creative..but with frightening self-destructive streaks.

I think of it in "streams" or on a spectrum.. certainly there is a percentage of beautiful bpd'ers, and sadly I do believe that pedo's pick and choose. If the beautiful child they choose is particularly sensitive or intelligent or both, then there is bpd in the making. :(

[notawallflower]

I triggered myself :wacko:

[Roses]

((((((((((((((((((((((flower))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[maria123]

I am 38 yrs but look 30 am physically attractive have a perfect curvy figure and if I like the person I am with, I can 'put it on' which makes the other person hard to resist me.I was sexually harrased by my boss and almost done for good (no further references)but survived.

My boss is a world renowed pioneer and owns his own company and in my little time with him,I havent seen any woman say no to him.....but I did.

I realised 5 yrs later after explaining the whole bullying scenario with my husband....that all my problems actually originated from my boss and not the colleagues i blamed....he was smart and knew how to put 'one against another''gladiator fights' and watch the fun.

I now regret that I led him on with my overfriendly and flirtish behaviour becos I thought he was just a nice friendly guy....but in reality he was just mirrorring me.

Anyways getting back to the topic bpd's think the world revolves around them....and unless one is in showbiz or in careers where looks matter it does not make much difference....basically it isnt that important....what matters is ur confidence and how higher and faster u get up in life and bpd definitely hampers that and cuts life span short....unlike narcisstics and psychopaths who live to a ripe old age

[angel tears]

((((flower)))), i read somewhere the other day that men find women with BPD more attractive than women without on a percentage basis. Its the combination of looks, personality, the exciting dangerous streak (destructive) and like you say the innocense. I am intelligent, am told quite attractive but i also as a BPD'er have the frightened innocent side and boy have i had my share of abusive men , they do seem to prey on this and somehow with there radar, see it in us :(

[hummm_mabbe]

((((flower)))), i read somewhere the other day that men find women with BPD more attractive than women without on a percentage basis. Its the combination of looks, personality, the exciting dangerous streak (destructive) and like you say the innocense. I am intelligent, am told quite attractive but i also as a BPD'er have the frightened innocent side and boy have i had my share of abusive men , they do seem to prey on this and somehow with there radar, see it in us

There's also the good ol' repetition compulsion part (notice how I keep repeating that lol). Innocence and vulnerability will also attract nurturing, caring men - but for people that have abusive pasts, caring people tend to feel too 'nice' or 'boring'. The abusive dangerous ones are exciting, and generate high sexual chemistry for the person, and so are more likely to choose the abuser than the nurturer.

Its a well known BPD thing to search for the 'perfect nurturer', but I think the confusion comes in that we tend to look for someone who is abusive, and then hope to transform them into a nurturer - to get the sexual oomph and 'train' the caring into them. It doesnt work, and we remain constantly frustrated and angry yet keep trying. Thats pretty much what the repetition compulsion is in this case, but the ray of hope is that those nurturing people do exist, the question is why we find them so lackluster. Our 'lovemap' is constructed early, and if we experience abuse or just plain distance and coldness from people that we want to love us, the two can become confused.

Ross

[AmyP]

When I walk into my GPs office she looks at me with a speculatory gaze. Apparently because I can dress myself, am fairly attractive, can straighten my hair and put some mascara on there's clearly nothing wrong. She even said to me "Well you look fine, you're dressed aren't you". So, nastily I must admit but to be fair this really annoyed me, I said "What because i'm dressed i'm fine?! It's not how you look, it's how I feel". I swear next time i'm going in in sweats, hair fucked up and mascara running down my face.

I'm not sure if it's necessarily good looks that gives people BPD, more as Ross said, that sexual abuse is involved and, unfairly, those who are more attractive may be more likely to be sexually abused or taken advantage of. In my experience, men seem to like the 'wild side' and also the neediness that comes with the illness (likely BPD in my case).

[hummm_mabbe]

When I walk into my GPs office she looks at me with a speculatory gaze. Apparently because I can dress myself, am fairly attractive, can straighten my hair and put some mascara on there's clearly nothing wrong. She even said to me "Well you look fine, you're dressed aren't you". So, nastily I must admit but to be fair this really annoyed me, I said "What because i'm dressed i'm fine?! It's not how you look, it's how I feel". I swear next time i'm going in in sweats, hair fucked up and mascara running down my face.

I'm not sure if it's necessarily good looks that gives people BPD, more as Ross said, that sexual abuse is involved and, unfairly, those who are more attractive may be more likely to be sexually abused or taken advantage of. In my experience, men seem to like the 'wild side' and also the neediness that comes with the illness (likely BPD in my case).

Im glad you said that to her, more docs and PDocs need to hear this! They may not realise how dumb they are coming across, but at least if someone tells them, there is hope

Wasnt nasty at all, was good and what you were feeling

Ross

[AmyP]

Thanks Ross :)

[Roses]

sorry went off topic

[Data]

I don't think that there is any link between BPD and physical attractiveness.

Also, I think that BPD is caused at a young age, e.g. before 5 years old. Therefore looks are probably less relevant to it.

Do abusers select their victims because they are pretty anyway? I think a lot of them go for people who they percieve to be vulnerable.

[Dustbinbabe]

:trigger:

Any child under 5 is vulnerable, how can they be any other way???

My own personal experience tells me that my looks as a 2yr old didn't matter to my abuser...I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and it continued for 12yrs so obviously my looks had changed however he didn't care what I did to my hair or body he still did what he did and involved other men in the abuse.

I think like all illnesses anyone and everyone can get it just as anyone and everyone can be abused!!!

[pepsimeg]

so true dust

[mbtm]

I thought all kids were beautiful. I would suspect for an abuser the attraction comes from the fact that they are a child, and they might abuse any child they 'could', whether that be because the child was particularly vulnerable, the abuser was partcularly trusted or in position of authority/control etc.

Only my 'uneducated' opinion - as it isn't something I have any knowledge or experience of.

[Roses]

I think the original post was aimed at how we look as teenagers / adults. This has obviously changed to focus on children. All people and all children are beautiful but often people who abuse power are drawn to charismatic and beautiful people. It is a bigger challenge to tame a beautiful and popular person apparently although I don't do mind games at all.

[mbtm]

If talking about looks as teenagers/adults then even if there was an apparent link between looks and bpd (which I doubt there is), wouldn't this link be coincidental???? Although onset of bpd might become apparent in teens - I thought that the root of the illness had been brewing farther back?

[mbtm]

@Roses, you say apparently abusers go for beautiful and charismatic peoplebecause they are more of a 'challenge' - I don't doubt that in some instances that this could come into play, but I'd need to see the evidence to agree that it was a significant contributer when looking at abuse overall -and like I say this is not something I have enough knowledge on to call.

[Roses]

oh dear I'm bowing out now. I was only kinda talking generally from my point of view I didn't realise we needed evidence. A lot of people play games and that is a fact. The bigger the challenge the bigger the game. Hence why gambling and addiction is rife in any community. But I don't know the stasticis sorry, I'm not a MH professional. Just one person trying to get by in life. No offence meant.

[Dustbinbabe]

Sorry Roses your right the original post was in regard to teenagers/adults sorry for posting off subject.

[mbtm]

Aw - you shouldn't bow out. No offence taken on my part. I told you - I know nothing of the subject - and if I'm going to form my opinions on stuff - well generally I like them to be informed opinions. Any request for evidence is really just prodding you to point me on direction your coming from.

Considering we're the people who are suffering from this , well it's good to know what you can about it.

I'm really not into debating stuff for the sake of it, or to try and prove myself right at any cost. Any debate I do enter (these days at least:-). Is really just a quest for a better understanding.

[notawallflower]

*************** TRIGGER ******************

I was a particularly beautiful child, (I realise how vain this sounds, but I'm actually not vain - I rarely brush my hair & don't use makeup) and still get a huge amount of attention because of the way I look.

My original post was to say that when I was a small child, I was actually more vulnerable as I believe that pedos, like all of us, are drawn to "attractive" prey.

It stands to reason that a vulnerable, beautiful child who is made more vulnerable by abuse will grow into an EXTREMELY vulnerable, beautiful adult, not only victimised by her abuse but also by lovers who want to use and abuse her, and other women who in their jealousy want to abuse her also.

Ironically, they never seem to understand that the very thing they're annihilating me for is the root cause of my pain, and that I'd swap it in a millisecond for a father who could love me. It's also dangerous - my looks + my pathology means that I can easily manipulate people (mainly men) into giving me extra attention/things, and that (false) power is hard to give up when I've had so much taken away. Men and lesbians adore me. Straight women detest me.

You may not believe it but I have spent many nights crying over this and dreaming of things I could swap it for. I've banned lovers from telling me I'm beautiful in bed, and friends from saying it more than once. And my mum from saying it at all.

This is the hardest post I've ever written, I have an unbelievable amount of baggage around this subject, and I also wonder whether I use the idea of being hurt because I'm beautiful as something concrete to blame being abused on, or a way of making myself special or separate from others not singled out for mistreatment..it doesn't help that I'm the spitting image of my father who is also (obviously) considered very good looking..I never saw it myself! (Where's the puking emoticom)? That alone has brought up s/h feelings in the past when I've looked in the mirror.

Please be sensitive if replying, I'm making myself vulnerable and opening up a huge can of worms here. xox