Bpd And Looks

[littlevic]

I think that attractive or not we (BPD's) are attracted to a certain sort of people, one's that fit a certain profile and will help us to relive our groundhog days ad infinitum. We are not comfortable as Ross says with caring nurturing people because it feels alien. We are more at home with the people that will provide anxiety provoking situations or worse. I now know that if I have the hots for someone I should run for the fucking hills because they are probably some sort of psychopath/sociopath/maladaptive schema type person. I take responsibility now for who I go out with and am very picky, any sign of weird behaviour and I am off like a shot. I also don't think that I am a victim for having been with the wrong people before because I chose them, yes me without even knowing it. They were only ever a way for me to relive the high drama, abusive relationships that I experienced as a child. I am attractive and outgoing, flirtatious and sometimes a little gauche and I attract all types of men, but usually the focus of my attention will be on psycho Bob and I will discount the good ones. Now if I find someone incredibly boring they will go on my date list :D

[roxy222]

Hullo

Might be controversial, but sexual abuse is very often in the histories of those with BPD. It sounds awful, but perhaps its a case that being physically attractive increases the likelihood of an abuser being drawn to and perpetrating that particular kind of destructive parenting / relationship / crime on the person?

I dont mean they bring it on themselves - I mean that those who would victimise others on a sexual basis are more likely to go for the ones who are attractive.

Ross

i think you've got this the wrong way round. often (and this is obviously a generalisation so will not apply to all) children (especially girls) who are sexually abused leanr that sex is what they are for, it becomes what is normal, often because of how manipulative abusers are the abuse becaomes the only time they get attention or are made to feel special or pretty. it becomes something that gets ingrained, we feel we only have our looks and male attention to fall back on, like that is all we are, so we work harder at being pretty, we diet more, wear prettier clothes, bother more about hair and make up. or sometimes some people find they try super hard to be prety so no one will see the truth, because being sexually abused leave you feeling like everyone can see through you, like the can see your secret shame and how dirty you are inside, so we try ten times as hard to be prety and clean and attractive on the outside so no one will be replsued by our inner posion. this ofcourse is not everyones experience, but i identify with this, and i know a others i know who have the same experience, and iv worked with abused teenagers and they all were hyper preoccupied with their appearance and how other peopel saw their appearance. this in alot of ways can be a double edged sword, i am pretty, and i have worked hard to be prettier and yet i do not feel that way when men look at me because i then feel grossed out that i have made myself attrackitive to them. thats quite a common thing for abuse survivors too, to 'know' they are prety but to feel ugly, and to feel guilty for having an attracktive body, like it caused the abuse.

i dotn think abusers choose prety children either. mostly they choose available, vulnerable children who are easy to manipulate and dont have parents who are obviously involved and looking out for them. or they choose their own children. all adults are supposed to be protactively attrackted to children, children have bigger eyes which makes them appear innocent and is supposed to kick off our protective urges. in peados they supposedly feel sexually attrackted to this, so maybe theres a small % of peados attracked to children due to being wide eyed and pretty, but mostly i think the being easy to prey on is what abusers sniff out, and they seem to be especially atuned to children who have already been abused or neglected, because they are even easier to manipulate.

oh also, pretty children are actuallty treated better over all, theres a heap of research to show that despite what most adults believe they actuallty treat their prettier children better, prettier children are better treated by other adults also, and by other children, so because generally prettier children are treated better they have a better chanse of being confident and secure which makes it less likely a peado would target them because normally they look for less confident chidlren. ofcourse this doesnt take away from the fact that some pretty chidlren are treated badly, and that some pretty children are not secure or confident. i know this personally too, but as a general rule it is less liekly that being pretty would attrack an abuser.

[mbtm]

@notawallflower,  I am so sorry that you have perceived your beauty as a burden.  Beauty is something very special, something that we are all in awe of and something which should be celebrated and respected.  I hate the fact that it is often perverted in society by women and men alike.

It is very difficult for me to suppose what drives a paedophile ie whether or not they are more likely to be attracted to conventional beauty. I just don't get it and I suppose I have even avoided trying to understand it. So instead If we look at normal sexuality - and I really don't know if we can compare it at all - but with reference to beauty and how people are drawn to that sexually - then it is fair to assume that people - on a very superficial level - may be 'drawn' more to very attractive folk.

However, even when we consider the stereotypical male hetrosexual who might prefer conventional beauty in a sexual partner - most people are limited in their 'choice' - it doesn't stop them going out to 'score' anything they can. The fact that they can go and 'buy' their choice of beauty in places such as the red light area of Amsterdam - is testament that they are driven towards beauty and also that to 'aquire' it often means they're going to have to pay for it.

In terms of paedophiles - well their 'choice' in terms of beauty - assuming that can be understood in the same conventional terms as stated above - is even more restricted. They are predatory but I don't know if beauty is something they could afford to be overly concerned with, unless they were in the position to pick their victims from within some sort of paedophile ring where they got a choice.

For example, I was left in the lurch last week by my h to take the kids on holiday on my own (as it turned out my parents came with me) but I was talking to my mum about my concerns - the major one being that I would be there with 5 kids (6 actually as one of the pals was coming)- and with my hands full I felt If anyone was to be a target for such a predator then me and my kids would - so what I'm saying is that my fear would come down to providing a suitable opportunity for that as opposed to them being able to chose their victims in terms of who they were most attracted to.

When abuse takes place in the home - well I don't know how much it would come into play. I would tend to think that the abuser is in the position to abuse - any parent would be - but that is how they are and they will take that opportunity whatever the victim looked like. Would they chose one sibling for example over another based on levels of attractiveness - I really don't know the dynamics of that but from what I have heard from abuse in that environment - an elder sibling is often abused first and their desire to protect any other younger siblings is used against them by the abuser - who often goes on to abuse the younger ones in any event.

Abuse experienced as an adult - well I suppose that is a seperate discussion.

I hope you learn to love your beauty - it was meant to be a gift.

Need to go for now - apologies for any insensitivity that I may have inadvertently exhibited.

 

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo

Might be controversial, but sexual abuse is very often in the histories of those with BPD. It sounds awful, but perhaps its a case that being physically attractive increases the likelihood of an abuser being drawn to and perpetrating that particular kind of destructive parenting / relationship / crime on the person?

I dont mean they bring it on themselves - I mean that those who would victimise others on a sexual basis are more likely to go for the ones who are attractive.

Ross

i think you've got this the wrong way round. often (and this is obviously a generalisation so will not apply to all) children (especially girls) who are sexually abused leanr that sex is what they are for, it becomes what is normal, often because of how manipulative abusers are the abuse becaomes the only time they get attention or are made to feel special or pretty. it becomes something that gets ingrained, we feel we only have our looks and male attention to fall back on, like that is all we are, so we work harder at being pretty, we diet more, wear prettier clothes, bother more about hair and make up. or sometimes some people find they try super hard to be prety so no one will see the truth, because being sexually abused leave you feeling like everyone can see through you, like the can see your secret shame and how dirty you are inside, so we try ten times as hard to be prety and clean and attractive on the outside so no one will be replsued by our inner posion. this ofcourse is not everyones experience, but i identify with this, and i know a others i know who have the same experience, and iv worked with abused teenagers and they all were hyper preoccupied with their appearance and how other peopel saw their appearance. this in alot of ways can be a double edged sword, i am pretty, and i have worked hard to be prettier and yet i do not feel that way when men look at me because i then feel grossed out that i have made myself attrackitive to them. thats quite a common thing for abuse survivors too, to 'know' they are prety but to feel ugly, and to feel guilty for having an attracktive body, like it caused the abuse.

i dotn think abusers choose prety children either. mostly they choose available, vulnerable children who are easy to manipulate and dont have parents who are obviously involved and looking out for them. or they choose their own children. all adults are supposed to be protactively attrackted to children, children have bigger eyes which makes them appear innocent and is supposed to kick off our protective urges. in peados they supposedly feel sexually attrackted to this, so maybe theres a small % of peados attracked to children due to being wide eyed and pretty, but mostly i think the being easy to prey on is what abusers sniff out, and they seem to be especially atuned to children who have already been abused or neglected, because they are even easier to manipulate.

oh also, pretty children are actuallty treated better over all, theres a heap of research to show that despite what most adults believe they actuallty treat their prettier children better, prettier children are better treated by other adults also, and by other children, so because generally prettier children are treated better they have a better chanse of being confident and secure which makes it less likely a peado would target them because normally they look for less confident chidlren. ofcourse this doesnt take away from the fact that some pretty chidlren are treated badly, and that some pretty children are not secure or confident. i know this personally too, but as a general rule it is less liekly that being pretty would attrack an abuser.

So you dont think that being sexually attractive might lead to more sexual attraction, and hence more likely, sexual abuse?

We keep talking about if the abuse happens when little. What about in the early teens? You dont think a more sexually attractive teenager is more likely to receive those unwanted attentions from a parent? That doesnt seem to make sense to me, but perhaps my understanding of what attracts abusers is limited.

I think people are trying to make absolute statements here, where none really can. perhaps even the original post - are more BPD sufferers REALLY more attractive? Again without numbers we are guessing. If we want absolute truth, we need numbers because you are always going to find example and counter example. This is just an opinion thread.

Ross

[Narcissa]

yeah it seems to have gone all over this place, this topic. I mean i asked a simple question. I didn't ask to explain being abused as a child.

[roxy222]

Hullo

Might be controversial, but sexual abuse is very often in the histories of those with BPD. It sounds awful, but perhaps its a case that being physically attractive increases the likelihood of an abuser being drawn to and perpetrating that particular kind of destructive parenting / relationship / crime on the person?

I dont mean they bring it on themselves - I mean that those who would victimise others on a sexual basis are more likely to go for the ones who are attractive.

Ross

i think you've got this the wrong way round. often (and this is obviously a generalisation so will not apply to all) children (especially girls) who are sexually abused leanr that sex is what they are for, it becomes what is normal, often because of how manipulative abusers are the abuse becaomes the only time they get attention or are made to feel special or pretty. it becomes something that gets ingrained, we feel we only have our looks and male attention to fall back on, like that is all we are, so we work harder at being pretty, we diet more, wear prettier clothes, bother more about hair and make up. or sometimes some people find they try super hard to be prety so no one will see the truth, because being sexually abused leave you feeling like everyone can see through you, like the can see your secret shame and how dirty you are inside, so we try ten times as hard to be prety and clean and attractive on the outside so no one will be replsued by our inner posion. this ofcourse is not everyones experience, but i identify with this, and i know a others i know who have the same experience, and iv worked with abused teenagers and they all were hyper preoccupied with their appearance and how other peopel saw their appearance. this in alot of ways can be a double edged sword, i am pretty, and i have worked hard to be prettier and yet i do not feel that way when men look at me because i then feel grossed out that i have made myself attrackitive to them. thats quite a common thing for abuse survivors too, to 'know' they are prety but to feel ugly, and to feel guilty for having an attracktive body, like it caused the abuse.

i dotn think abusers choose prety children either. mostly they choose available, vulnerable children who are easy to manipulate and dont have parents who are obviously involved and looking out for them. or they choose their own children. all adults are supposed to be protactively attrackted to children, children have bigger eyes which makes them appear innocent and is supposed to kick off our protective urges. in peados they supposedly feel sexually attrackted to this, so maybe theres a small % of peados attracked to children due to being wide eyed and pretty, but mostly i think the being easy to prey on is what abusers sniff out, and they seem to be especially atuned to children who have already been abused or neglected, because they are even easier to manipulate.

oh also, pretty children are actuallty treated better over all, theres a heap of research to show that despite what most adults believe they actuallty treat their prettier children better, prettier children are better treated by other adults also, and by other children, so because generally prettier children are treated better they have a better chanse of being confident and secure which makes it less likely a peado would target them because normally they look for less confident chidlren. ofcourse this doesnt take away from the fact that some pretty chidlren are treated badly, and that some pretty children are not secure or confident. i know this personally too, but as a general rule it is less liekly that being pretty would attrack an abuser.

So you dont think that being sexually attractive might lead to more sexual attraction, and hence more likely, sexual abuse?

We keep talking about if the abuse happens when little. What about in the early teens? You dont think a more sexually attractive teenager is more likely to receive those unwanted attentions from a parent? That doesnt seem to make sense to me, but perhaps my understanding of what attracts abusers is limited.

I think people are trying to make absolute statements here, where none really can. perhaps even the original post - are more BPD sufferers REALLY more attractive? Again without numbers we are guessing. If we want absolute truth, we need numbers because you are always going to find example and counter example. This is just an opinion thread.

Ross

over all no, i dont think the key characteristic abusers look for is typical physical or sexual attractiveness, more to do with who they can manipualte easily, but it may play a factor for some. if talking about teenagers i think abusivers over all look for teenage girls or boys uncomfrtable in their own skin, uncertain of their own sexuality, people who are uncertain about their idenitiy or role within peer groups, who dont know how to put boudaries on peoples behaviours towards them and who are easy to convince what they feel is wrong, all of which would point to people with poor attachment patterns which is already a risk factor for bpd along with many other mh conditions

there are also plenty of people out there who are sexually abused as children, teenagers or adults who are not typically attractive

[littlebird]

and of course attractiveness is subjective too!

I was never sexually or physically abused just had invalidating childhood and in most area's of my life have been made to feel failure too. Only thing i have ever been really praised for is way i look 'oh your pretty, oh you have nice clothes, oh you have a lovely figure etc' and of course i clung to this and built all my self esteem off this cos i lacked it anywhere else. Has gotten to point where make up, being really thin etc are just a false mask of confidence and without them i crumble. If i put on weight or my acne flairs up i hide from world cos i think that people will be nasty or won't accept me. I remember when people took piss out of my skin when i was teenager or made other nasty comments about my appearance so i stay away to protect myself.

[mbtm]

@roxy - (my predictive text changes your name to foxy lol) - interesting post - and makes lots of sense to me.

I was talking about this in another post, but.from my observations in life - both in my teen and adult years - when a young girl is really ott in sexual activity - and it's probably less apparent these days as attitudes towards sex have changed a lot - but in my everyday life , when I see a young kid like that - is always alarm bells ringing for me.

What you are saying about victims blaming their attractive bodies for example, in causing the abuse - aren't they the kind of feelings expressed by notawallflower in the previous post - although of course wouldn't use that as evidence for generalization (god there I go again with the evidence :-)

[Narcissa]

i think you'll find that this post was about how all bpd's are attractive. and it's spiralled into this. if yyou wanted to talk about all this. then why not do it on another post and not mine.

[mbtm]

@narcissa - sometimes you need to get to take a long route to get a simple answer - and I don't really think you can censor people's interpretations of your question or their answers and opinions .

If you want a simple answer to your simple question - then no - I'd like to bet that people with bpd are no more attractive in terms of o/o / population than in society in general.

Of course to back up this simple answer you'd need research results where stats should that there was no 'significant' difference in 2 sample populations.

@hmm-maybe - I think rather than trying to assertain absolutes here - the discussion - at least for me - was exploratory.

[mbtm]

@narcissa - sorry just seen your second post there - seems I'm on a bit of a delay.

Spiralled into what - an interesting and significant conversation - is that not allowed on your threads lol

[mbtm]

@narcissa - sorry just seen your second post there - seems I'm on a bit of a delay.

Spiralled into what - an interesting and significant conversation - is that not allowed on your threads lol

[Roses]

This has gone a tad off topic though and earlier you apologised to me for it and now everyone is still talking about child sexual abuse which is not what this topic is about. Please read the terms and conditions of this site. Narcissa started this topic, if you all want to discuss who paedos target do it somewhere else please and let's get back to the topic at hand which was a simple question about BPD and it self image. If this carries on I will report this thread as people are getting upset by it.

[CrippleAndStarfish]

*~*~*~*~*~***** POSSIBLE TRIGGER *****~*~*~*~*~*

Heylo you lovely lot xxx ((((hugs for all))))

Keeping it simple (really this time!) as i don't want to end up triggering myself - which i feel i may do if i go into too much detail - so apologies.

What is believed to have 'caused' my BPD is abuse in both childhood and early adolescence (cant spell that word!) along with destructive relationship with mother etc etc etc.

I have been told by one of my abusers that he acted how he did 'because i was so f*cking beautiful' ... etc etc

Has also been stressed by several other people in my life who were abusive to greater or lesser degrees, which has impacted on my MH, almost as reason and justification for the way they treated me.

But, as for my opinion of myself? Well, i've been diagnosed with BDD, but i genuinely don't see anything even mildly attractive about myself. So, i don't know really. But meh. Thought maybe would be worth mentioning.

Strange occurances and timing is weirddd.

I think it is difficult for people who have low-self esteem to say 'well, yes. i'm pretty' or whatever, and honestly believe it.

But.

I do agree also that the reckless behaviour, intense emotions, and other 'symptoms' (cant remember the correct term for it) of BPD, do definately add that 'edge' to a person. And i think, for me personally anyway, make them seem much more attractive.

I think it really is that feeling of living on the edge, of taking risks and that oh-no-what's-going-to-happen-next?!?! heart thudding which makes it almost addictive... kind of like adrenaline junkie sorta stuff.

Whether they are actually more physically attractive or not, i'm not sure. Perhaps it's that knowledge that we are "dangerous" that makes us 'attractive'. Dunno *shrug*

Interesting thread. And yes, i rambled. i know. Apologies if i've caused any offence. It's not intended.

Crip xxx xxx

[mbtm]

@Roses - are u saying I apologised to you - I'm sure I didn't - I thought you were the one who apologised for any offence lol

I don't have any idea what might be in the terms and conditions for posting on the forum, that would enlighten me as to what I might have said or did wrong. I thought - like others - that it was heading in an interesting direction - but nonetheless it looks like it's under threat of being 'reported' ?????

I will however look at terms and conditions before I make another post.

In anycase no offence taken - I understand too well the sensitivities of bpd ;-)

[emily elizabeth]

replying to the original topic -

i think people with BPD have been stereotyped by doctors. i was told the first time i went to the doctor about my issues and practically described BPD that i didn't appear to have it as i looked happy, looked to be taking care of my appearance and because i had a job and somewhere to live. i think this is ridiculous, and after the doctors actually listening to me they started to pay more attention to my issues and referred me to see a MH practitioner.

i have also been asked at A+E after overdosing, "why would you want to kill yourself? you have a job, somewhere to live, family, your pretty, young, what reason do you have to want to die?"

i suppose i am pretty, although i don't feel it most of the time. but i think because anyone can develop BPD, through genetics or experiences, that people could have a wide range of different looks and not all be pretty. also everyone has a different perception of what they see as pretty. i might think someone is really good looking but my friend thinks they are ugly as sin. ;)

[Roses]

ah a misunderstanding then. I'll just stay out of your way mbtm. I actually said I was sorry for not knowin the stastics and stated I had meant no offence, it's a tad different to apologising to a complete stranger for doing something wrong when I did nothing wrong at all. Hope you find support here but I will not communicate with you again.

[Narcissa]

@narcissa - sorry just seen your second post there - seems I'm on a bit of a delay.

Spiralled into what - an interesting and significant conversation - is that not allowed on your threads lol

It's spiralled into being off topic. If you want to talk about child abuse and such. Start your own bloody topic. Like roses said. Read t&c. And i also won't be communicating with you anymore. You are too obnoxious for my liking.

[iwonder]

This is a valid point Ross. I have had a lot of abusive bf too. Basically, as I understand it, a personality disorder happens when a child's natural developmental processes are interrupted by a traumatic event be it bereavement, abuse, relocation to another country, bullying etc......

I agree with u....

[walker]

well

bpd lasts longer than looks

so i fail to see any connection tbh

am old

not pretty

def not adrenaline junkie

never take risks

just old, dull, boring

yeah prob not bpd then, eh !!

[iwonder]

well

bpd lasts longer than looks

so i fail to see any connection tbh

am old

not pretty

def not adrenaline junkie

never take risks

just old, dull, boring

yeah prob not bpd then, eh !!

Course yr not!

[rebeccaborderline]

Some of this makes sense to me. I was conventionally pretty both as a child and later when going bonkers and having abusive partners.

I also think it is a lot about "vivaciousness"; I have learnt enough on here to realise that my patterns of being the out-going party girl, the life and soul, the mover and shaker etc etc is not unique; perhaps we deflect by chasing "fun, fun, fun" sometimes. And people will always be attracted (short-term) to fun.

Sadly sometimes we will never know whether we were really "fun" people/children, or that was just the route we took later to cope

reb xxx

[mbtm]

@roses - you said I said sorry to you - I didn't - don't get me wrong I would have done if I had did something wrong -I didn't think I had. My statement to you was that you apologised for causing offence not me - that's the facts I think. My reply to you was I think - no offence taken!

@narcissa - obnoxious - we've got bpd for god sake lol can I also just say that I think it was hummm-maybe that brought up the correlation between sexual abuse and looks - it would seem what I did wrong was to disagree!

Either way, entirely up to yous who you communicate with. I would hope that your decisions wouldn't influence others,

[Narcissa]

i'm obnoxious too and i get sick of myself. I suppose it is the bpd. either way. I'm tired of this thread, it's wearing me out so i'm gonna bail.

[notawallflower]

ah a misunderstanding then. I'll just stay out of your way mbtm. I actually said I was sorry for not knowin the stastics and stated I had meant no offence, it's a tad different to apologising to a complete stranger for doing something wrong when I did nothing wrong at all. Hope you find support here but I will not communicate with you again.

Roses, mbtm seems to have been confused and merely stated as such, then after stating she will modify her responses, you've written this post saying that you're effectively banishing her to the dungeon over her not knowing the terms and conditions?? Surely everybody deserves a second chance. I hope that you will think it through and that we can be an all-inclusive board here.

-NAW.