vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hello I am 20 years old and I think I am suffering from some form of HOCD it has felt like I have been for 9 months now and heres why I think this it all started last year when I got this really bad tattoo done it got infected and healed so badly (I thought I had a disease so I waited a good 10 months and got blood tested and I am ok) I then lost my virginity to my girlfriend and it made me feel better I kept having sex more and more I liked it Id always been sexual with girls before I lost my virginity fully to my gf anyway so yeah it was going ok I was getting over the upset and depression of my bad tattoo but was happy I had sex with my gf then I noticed I had this really weird feeling almost like a gay one over my step dad I assumed as it was around him when I had it I didnt quite understand it but dismissed it as I usually did with all my bad faults I have suffered from bad OCD and anxiety problems since I was 13 also it runs in my dads side of family schizophrenia and OCD but anyway so yeah I started feeling awful then I noticed I couldnt shake off this gay feeling in me feeling I liked my own step dad who is not attractive and like my father from a kid hes been like my dad man and it hurt me so much but I couldnt dismiss it then after having sex I then noticed my gf stopped wanting sex and started avoding me and coming to see me and was acting unfaithful to she started emotionally hurting me and I just got worse and the gay obsession over my step dad became to feel real like I loved or wanted him when it is disgusting and I would never go near him! so yeah I have been suffering for months over this and it makes me feel I cant fully feel feelings for my gf but my gf has hurt me so much and I think cheated on me to so I dont think I love her anymore she also avoids me to much and has treated me bad when all I have done is be so nice to her and she is now 17 years old and she herself was claiming to have slept with girls and said sexual jokes on her guy friends and on fb I saw unfaithful convos so yeah its weird and recenetly I meet a girl online in newcastle I went to see her yesterday and ended up having sex with her and I am with her aswell as my other gf who has no idea of this I also have no job and I have noticed my HOCD will interfere in anything like if I think about applying for a job I will feel I cant do it cause I am gay or feeling depressed over the weird gay obsession but I have recently taken up CBT and I was on clompramine meds but stopped taking them due to side effects I really need help I want to get on with life at first I thought I was gay but then I sort of realised that it is HOCD after reading about my symptoms and understandings so yeah I now have 2 gfs and tbh I am probably going to pick the one from newcastle as she is so loving and I also had unprotected sex with her to I only am attracted and love girls not my step dad or any other guys I dont find guys attracted yet I have worried for so long and been bothered about this also have a great anxiety around my step dad which is so sad Please help me I am 100% sure this is HOCD as I am comfortable with my sexuality its just I seem obsessed over this also getting hurt a lot by my gf made this HOCD feel real and get worse I assumed my gf was cheating on me for being gay please help me I need to be explained more on HOCD I do not know a lot of it also it isnt really an attraction with my step dad its a anxiety feeling and i get bad thoughts or words in my head over it but lately it has got a lot better for me but it still is a problem could having sex of made me become obsessed with HOCD also the girl I have had sex with yesterday it felt really good and right and I am pleased I have done it even if it means ive cheated I have been avoided and neglected and not sexually loved for to long I had to do it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 I had never heard of HOCD before now so i probably won't be very helpful. But i do think when you are feeling vulnerable its natural to want to be protected and it sounds like your stepdad has protected you and helped you to feel safe and its natural to want the same thing in a relationship. idk really what to do about your girlfriends. It sounds like your first girlfriend has hurt you and is making you unhappy, you don't deserve to be treated the way she treated you and its understandable you looked for comfort from someone else. but if the girl from newcastle finds out, she might have trouble understanding how you must have felt and you might lose her too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 I have told stef (girl from newcastle) about some of my problems not explained the step dad thing but I have told her about gina (my original gf who has hurt me a lot) so yeah I am totally in a situation where I do not know what to do its been like this for months and I feel ive been so emotionally hurt I cant do much I feel trapped in myself like the HOCD - homosexual OCD really affects me so much it has worn off a lot though but still causes me great upset and I feel more love for stef now then gina and I have only known stef for under a month and only meet her on the 7th of june and had sex with her on that day to and I didnt even wear a condom it was crazy how it all happened I feel my illness made me do this in a way I am unsure on whether I am schizophrenic or bipolar I have never been diagnosed properly I only reconsiged that these weird thoughts voices and feelings in myself were not true I actually believed they were real at one point it reliefs me telling people this I honestly have been in such a state though cause if I was gay id want it to be with a good looking nice guy but I am not even into guys only girls I dont even have an attraction to my step dad its like a weird feeling maybe I have just been emotionally hurt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
galupy Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 we cant diagnose you and the risk of reading up on the internet is that you will go "oolh that's me" to just about everything see your gp, ask for a psych referral and take it from there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 I will probably ask my gp for that currently getting CBT but I do not get it enough it also isnt the best but its better than nothing I guess I come from a family line of mental health problems my mum has ocd and my dad had physcosis (he took a lot of drugs) when he got my mum preg with me I just need some support and for you guys to help me with an understanding on this all please help me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
galupy Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 we're always here to listen. like the others have said, not familiar with HOCD though I did google it but we're always open here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Dear Vampire, Would it be so bad if you were in fact bi or gay? A lot of people are, and they live happy fulfilling lives. I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying the possibility of bisexuality or homosexuality is not worth making yourself so upset over. The thoughts about your step dad are unusual, and you may want to talk to a trusted therapist to explore why your mind keeps going there. The other thing I am thinking is that perhaps a little abstaining from sex would allow you to calm down and settle your mind and emotions. I would say abstaining from porn, too. I think getting in touch with your own self, your body, your breath, your true desires, could ground you. Then you could make clear-headed choices that result in more fulfilling consequences. Lecture alert: Please ALWAYS use condoms! Please get a full STD screening at least annually! Respect yourself and respect your sex partners! end of lecture Take care, love, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuzzyWasHe Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 It looks like you're having a stressful time that would do with some psychodynamic psychotherapy. You have too much going on to sort it out on your own--anxiety level is very high and your head is spinning. As far as the 2 gfs go, I would pick one and cut off contact with the other. Having 2 relationships at the same time will drive you nuts--not worth it and hard to enjoy either one. The situation with your step dad is probably less of a horrible thing than you feel. Fantasies are not the same as actions. Also, your confusion is bound to leak into many parts of your life. You're young and will grow into more solid thinking as time goes on--be kind to yourself. You may be gay--so what? You may not be gay--so what? I've heard of all kinds of feelings that come from panic and stress and may not mean anything. Please seek out some help from a pro--you'll feel much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Yeah so from what I have said what do you think is wrong with me? its got to the point where I feel I cant do things because of the HOCD and that ill never be able to work or anything so I just mainly stay in a lot and play ps3 or listen to music its a vicious circle for me life but it has improved a lot lately and since I met up with stef I have felt a lot more confident in myself and stuff also if I explained what gina did to me youd understand why I have been so emotionally a wreck my head actually used to ache a lot and I would feel so tired and awful from the stress was like I lost my mind tbh it felt I lost touch with reality only lately have I felt ive come back slightly to reality and it is so scary and my depression over this gets me down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 To my friend catspiracy If I was gay id of come out by now dude I dont find guys attracted gay porn doesnt even work for me I only like girls sexually but yeah what you say is true I guess I think its just HOCD which is an obsession of ones identity google it and you will understand I do not feel attracted to my step dad also the gay phsycosis I had for him isnt like that now it was weird yeah it was like a really bad anxiety feeling it still is here with me and trying to cope with what I have felt has been hard for me I have felt paranoid what if I act on something or get hurt sexually to and it really messes me up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Fuzzwashe its not a fantasy its a nightmare and I actually have no attraction what so ever its just an anxiety feeling that feels real and like i do :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuzzyWasHe Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Anxiety is the thing to look into--sounds like you're having a massive anxiety attack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 I've heard that the way you get over phobias is with careful desensitization. I'm afraid of heights and of touching cameras, so it would be extremely hypocritical to try to tell you how to cure your terror about gayness. I just love my gay and bi friends so much, I can't imagine them being any different. Perhaps you could desensitize to gayness by reading biographies of accomplished LGBT people. So that you can re-program your associations and make queer start to equal pride instead of shame. Please understand: I'm not saying YOU are gay or bi. I'm saying your attitude towards queerness needs to be less phobic, more scientific if that makes sense? so that your thoughts don't have the power to mess with your mind as you've described. You can stay in charge of your mind. Also, to clarify, I didn't mean to imply that I thought you looked at gay porn....I was just adding "no porn at all" to my advice of abstaining from sex for a period of time. Just to get all those intoxicating chemicals out of your brain. Orgasms cause a flood of oxytocin and other hormones and chemicals to control your brain. The goal here is for YOU to control your brain. I've read that OCD has to do with the impulse control area of the brain. I learned that because I have symptoms like skin picking, so I totally get how hard it is to stop doing what we're used to doing. It's important for US to control our OWN brains! Hope that makes sense. love, cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Yeah last year in october it was really bad also I have had a history of anxiety and paranoia problems it changes subjects I used to feat sharp objects going in my eyes and the cleaness of my eyes I would rub and put water in my eyes a lot till I couldnt see properly I have serve OCD so it could link to this but by far this HOCD anxiety has been so hard hitting for me only recently have I been able to start enjoying life a bit and consider having a future as it has felt I havent been able to have one cause im gay over step dad which is ridiculous as its not true and is disgusting but the thoughts and stuff make me want to just die and on new years day I was thinking of suicide but I held in and its now sort of payed off and I have found another girl who I can relate to and seems to love me and want a future with me also I do not plan on using protection when having sex with her cause we feel we dont want to it could be a positive thing to have a kid maybe I have always wanted it and once I get a job i know ill be kl I just want rid of this gay crap its not true and its not me it had a hold on me and it broke my soul and my heart got broken by gina and she actually was acting like a lesbian and claimed to be cheating on me with other girls and i am disgusted by stuff maybe i am just emotionally unhappy i even feel like if i killed my step dad id not have an issue anymore so its not a silly fantasy or gay crush cause if id like a guy it would be mariyln manson or my friend aaron but I do not like guys so yeah its just getting over the fact of the hurt and saying these thoughts and weird feelings are not true and I can have a future and be ok and have a family and wife like i originally planned the girl i originally with gina i asked to marry me and everything and after having sex with her a lot she went weird and so did i and we was both virigins? also what was weird was after i got my bad tattoo i noticed on the day i had a weird gay vibe over my mate paul could the tattoo ink affect my hormones? i really have no idea but lately its all eased off a lot but i am here for an understanding and support thank you for replying and posting on my topic btw guys :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hey cat yeah I see what your saying also I have no fear or problems with gay people i have one gay friend who i even have held hands with and i like wearing make up and stuff and being girly at times and joking about with mates but the only gay thing i have a problem with is the step dad thing its like this weird anxiety and i do not know what it is but it frightens and upsets me its almost like ive been abused when i havent its weird its to do with OCD it must be also I am a very sexual person and only do girls for the purpose i am straight i have never even kissed a guy before on lips its just the anxiety over my step dad that has haunted me and been a constant obsessive thought and ive even had thoughts and voice like things in my head which i have had since i was 13 years old on different topics like murder and guilt over things on news and stuff also my brain lacks seretotin which is to do with OCD as its a chemical imbalance I also have other phobias to like sharp objects and things that can harm my eyes which used to control my life and ruine it but now the step dad thing got the hold but it is wearing off and so is the hurt from gina much love james :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 I can understand your obsessing about this and wanting to stop and feel you can´t continue with your life because your mind always wanders back to these thoughts, right? I had OCD, I obsessed about something a therapist once said to me for three months and couldn´t think another thought - it totally ate up my brain and in the end I was drained of my strength. What happened then was I knew only a psychiatrist could help me and begged to go into hospital, first they wouldnt admit me, but when they finally gave in and I was on the ward I completely mentally and physically broke down. They had no idea how to help me, tried talking sense to me that what he said didnt matter, but I tried that myself, they had to call the Professor who gave me a medication - and within three days the thought completely disappeared. All I can do is tell my story but not how to stop, the only thing that helped me was a med. Elke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hey Elke i was on meds i was taking clomipramine which gave me a load of side effects nearly a month and a few weeks i stopped taking it it helped me a bit i took it for nearly 4 months google it clomipromine its an OCD med it made me violent though and sweat and made my penis not so good in the bedroom so I decided to stop taking it however it didnt fully clear up the thoughts i still have have an after effect from stuff but it did help I guess me having a gay obession over a family member is a very hard thing to get over and forget please tell me more of your story dude its interesting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 Just would also like to say I have no fear over gay people I listen to music like culture club pet shop boys will young and other gay artists and i sometimes paint my nails wear make up and have no problem with even acting gay for a joke but when it comes down to the step dad thing it has been so stressful sick disgusting upseting and awkward and scary for me i seem to have such a problem with it but thankfully it is a lot better than it was also i am only attracted to girls as i have said has anyone else got anything they could say to help me out i really want this topic to get attention and want as many opinions and suggestions and help thank you for all who have posted so far <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Hi Vampire, the obsession started on a vacation I was with my bf. He gave me an ultimatum and put me under pressure about a marriage proposal and said he wanted an answer by the end of the week (vacation). Still feeling this pressur I started thinking about what a therapist said "If you run away now, you´ll run away forever. You´re running away from yourself." But I never made it to a decision. The thought had become independant of the actual thing it was meant for. Either way, the issue about the marriage proposal faded into the background and I landed in hospital. The med they gave me was "Decentan", dont know if they have this, or an equivalent in UK. x Elke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vampire Posted June 17, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Wow well I have not been landed in hospital even though I should have been by now the NHS system really fails here and we have meds like clomipramine and setraline for OCD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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