CaTsEyEs Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 I had my son after my PD diagnosis and he is a ray of warm light. I struggle and I am probably over aware when he is upset because I don't want him to feel sad but everyone feels sad sometimes. I worry he will be ill when he is grown up but I do my best and he is happy and well. I sense so much sadness on this topic and it is very hard, but just because we have been given this negative label doesn't mean we aren't good parents. We feel everything deeper including all the good emotions and for a child that is a great thing. hugs to you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueBells Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Hi I have problems as does my partner but we are on the road to recovery, and I would seriously hope one day we could have a child. How ever on some level I am prepared for the fact it may never happen, which frequently upsets me, but like lily said, I do not want them to have to deal with my problems. One day....I hope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Hi I have problems as does my partner but we are on the road to recovery, and I would seriously hope one day we could have a child. How ever on some level I am prepared for the fact it may never happen, which frequently upsets me, but like lily said, I do not want them to have to deal with my problems. One day....I hope :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Hi everyone I could come from a few angles here........ I grew up with a dad who had pd and i am not saying that every parent would be like this but my dad had never had any help..... he couldn't cope with emotions at all. The only one he did was anger and bitterness and i was abused physically and mentally by him. I also have a brother and sister but i got most of it. He could be fine and quite ok sometimes. He worked hard, i think his work keeps him going. He just couldn't be there for me and i was deeply affected by it and traumatised. I had my son when i was 24, it was before i knew that i had pd........ I got very depressed and i couldn't give my son what he needed. I was so confused and i couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I wasn't told that i had been diagnosed with personality disorder until he was 2 years old. By then me and his dad had seperated and i decided that he was better off with his dad...... my whole world was falling apart and then i found out that i had BPD, anxiety and depression. I started therapy when my son was 18 months old and because most of it then was trauma based i couldn't cope with much at all. I was determined though to get myself better for him and for myself but then his dad got a residence order and i lost the right to have him with me anymore. I still see my son regulary and in the 6 years since he was born i have worked hard on myself in therapy. I still attend therapy 2-3 times a week, i so want to get it right. Our bond has developed and i am a different person to who i was when he was born. I really wish that i had the help before i had him though i would never say i didn't want him because i do, i love him so much and i am sure that he has saved my life several times. He is my sunshine, he has taught me about love and he accepts me for who i am . He is my beautiful little boy. Now 6 years after my son was born i am pregnant again. Yes i feel anxious but i feel determined to get it right this time. I believe that with help we can be what we want to be. Look beyond your fears if you can........ We are all capable i believe xxxxx ((((((everyone)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Hi everyone I could come from a few angles here........ I grew up with a dad who had pd and i am not saying that every parent would be like this but my dad had never had any help..... he couldn't cope with emotions at all. The only one he did was anger and bitterness and i was abused physically and mentally by him. I also have a brother and sister but i got most of it. He could be fine and quite ok sometimes. He worked hard, i think his work keeps him going. He just couldn't be there for me and i was deeply affected by it and traumatised. I had my son when i was 24, it was before i knew that i had pd........ I got very depressed and i couldn't give my son what he needed. I was so confused and i couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I wasn't told that i had been diagnosed with personality disorder until he was 2 years old. By then me and his dad had seperated and i decided that he was better off with his dad...... my whole world was falling apart and then i found out that i had BPD, anxiety and depression. I started therapy when my son was 18 months old and because most of it then was trauma based i couldn't cope with much at all. I was determined though to get myself better for him and for myself but then his dad got a residence order and i lost the right to have him with me anymore. I still see my son regulary and in the 6 years since he was born i have worked hard on myself in therapy. I still attend therapy 2-3 times a week, i so want to get it right. Our bond has developed and i am a different person to who i was when he was born. I really wish that i had the help before i had him though i would never say i didn't want him because i do, i love him so much and i am sure that he has saved my life several times. He is my sunshine, he has taught me about love and he accepts me for who i am . He is my beautiful little boy. Now 6 years after my son was born i am pregnant again. Yes i feel anxious but i feel determined to get it right this time. I believe that with help we can be what we want to be. Look beyond your fears if you can........ We are all capable i believe xxxxx ((((((everyone)))))) Beautiful hun lovely to read can tell you have real spirit and strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 thanks hun . I just wanted to share my story in the hope that it helps other. I really believe that it is possible to parent with a pd. I have really had to fight for everything, even just to be here today xxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 thanks hun . I just wanted to share my story in the hope that it helps other. I really believe that it is possible to parent with a pd. I have really had to fight for everything, even just to be here today xxxxxxxxxxx Just read your status bar aswell gave me goosebumps. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 angel tears Thank you for sharing all that. It is interesting to hear what it was like as a child because it gives a voice to them that we might not understand as adults on the other side. It sounds like it was not good for you but what strikes me is the idea that help and support may make a difference. If your dad had some treatment or there was someone there to counter him or protect you when he wasn't able to be his best it might have made it better for you as a child just like you being so motivated and strong to be in treatment and determined to get better is making it better for your son. Maybe it is not whether you can or should be a parent with PD but how you go about it. Some people have kids but have family members who help provide stability for the kids if the parent can't and that sounds like a good safety the kids may need if the PD is working overtime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 If I have missed anyone so far thank you SO MUCH for having this discussion and sharing. :grouphug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Maybe it is not whether you can or should be a parent with PD but how you go about it. Yes :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Yes i agree, its good to have somebody else there for strength and support when pd is playing up and i have personally found my therapist and group to be my biggest support. They really help to keep me stable and to challenge myself. I do believe that with help we can get there xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honeyflower Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 I worry so much about my kids getting ill all the time,I don't regret ever having them,They are my world and i give them so much love,Kids are just wonderful to have i couldn't imagine life without them.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted July 8, 2011 Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 I have six children and was only dx with BPD this year, i have had anxiety, panic, argraphobia, ocd all the time while bringing my children up and they gave me the strength and motivation to carry on i had to force myself out of the house as to not let them down i would do anything for them, i love them and they love me and its the only safe love i have ever known i know they won't hurt me, they don't know of any of my mental health problems they think i have depression and when i was in hospital we told them i was feeling depressed and went away for a while for a break they never visited me i wouldn't allow it, i don't want to burden them with my problems. I am scared they will grow up with problems but i have tried my best and any child could develop mental health problems, i have a 12yr old who has problems but only him the rest are fine and at that he is just a bit anxious and more into himself, it old my therapist how afraid i was that my children would develop BPD he said they are brought up totally different to me so they should be ok, it is hard being a parent but i wouldn't change it they are my life my reason for being here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 yes i would like one but i'm single so not sure if it will happen. for a while i was angry at my mum because i thought she only had me to meet her own needs. i realised this wasn't the case, i think its natural to have those needs where u want to be loved and love a child and if it wasn't then the human race would stop. i was angry at her for being neglectful and allowing abusive situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillv Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 I am in a similar position to Walker. I had my children, they grew up, all without me having a dx. With hindsight, there were many indications I was not well. I suffered severe depression, anxiety and many symptoms of bpd. My children were both affected by me, but also the behaviours of their father, who left them when they were 6 and 8.. My daughter has what we believe is bpd. My son has sufferred with bad depression, and I think maybe he has a PD also. Having said that I would not change the fact that I had them. They are two amazing young adults, and they have brought immense joy to my life. The difficulty I have always had is expressing to them my love for them. Now my daughter is an adult, with her own issues, she can better understand me, and the way I was when she was growing up. She has forgiven me the wrongs I have done to her, but I cannot forgive myself. So I am left with tremendous guilt and shame. In fact she blames the fact that she has MH issues on her father and grandmother. Personally I think we all played a part. My daughter is the mother of a 9 year old, and she is a wonderful mother, despite her issues. She shields her daughter as much as possible from the worst, but also tells her enough to allay her fears. My grandaughter is a happy, well adjusted child. So........ should I have had children? Maybe not. Should my daughter have had children? Definately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlasticInsanity Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Hi Monsterfood, I have a son, he's 4. He was born the month before i turned 15, and was conceived as a result of being drunk and spiked and... assaulted....at a friend's party. I normally tell people that I never wanted children. That seemed like the simplest of answers, instead of explaining to them that I want to be in a relationship, I want to be in love, and loved in return. I want to get married, and I want to have children. That was my dream - find my prince charming, settle down together, have children. I wanted two children. The reality of it is that I am a 20 year old mother to a 4 year old boy. I am single. He lives with my mum because I have been too poorly to care for him - I couldn't meet his needs emotionally because I was too wrapped up in my own nightmares - abuse, self-injury, etc..... It breaks my heart. There's not a day that goes by when I don't hate myself for not being the mum i want to be, the mum my son deserves. And I hate that I am single, alone. I don't have the life I want, not at all, and I know that it will never happen for me - that it will just be some stupid dream that I need to kill, cause it will never come true. All of it just hurts. allowing your mother to take care of your son is one of the most responsible decisions you can make. it must have been tough for you, but you were able to do it for your son. and you're only 20, so don't give up hope. you're still young and have much time to start a new life. I'm 22, and sometimes when I start to think, "I'll never find anyone, nobody will want me like this" I try to stop myself and think instead, "You won't find anyone if you don't allow yourself to. somebody out there will want to be with you. it may not be today, but there's still alot of time". sometimes it feels like i'm telling myself to think positive rather than actually thinking positively, but it helps block out the negative thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 I feel such tenderness and care on this topic people not believing they could ever be a good parent when the fact they question themselves so intensely and are so honest with themselves it like a key for being a good parent. So what we take meds, so what we cry over nothing sometimes. Alot of us were starved of love and affection as kids and we have it pouring out of us. The perfect parent doesn't exist, it reminds me of the elusive size 0. It seems some have achieved it and in my opinion look dreadful but it isn't a size a healthy happy well rounded person can maintain. I am sad some people have written themselves off as ever being capable I know I don't know you individually but with kids their needs are basic. Stability, warmth, food and a HUGE amount of love. I know the stability part was real hard for me to get to and some may say if that is all your aim that is not much. But is much, it is massive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
galupy Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 i've read this whole thread cos i think about this all the time. and the thing that has come out is that those of you here who have kids have made ALL the right decisions for your kids no matter what. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 i've read this whole thread cos i think about this all the time. and the thing that has come out is that those of you here who have kids have made ALL the right decisions for your kids no matter what. There is a guilt for me anyway a sort of middle of the night panic what if my son gets ill like me. And it is cruel, like I think it was Data asking what age we felt we had mental illness from. Do I have to wait until my son is 50, if I am still alive(don't mean suicide), even then there is late onset bipolar! But we do our best and because my parents were both shit I feel really aware of what I don't want to pass on. And when they reach out to you and give you that special smile you KNOW you have done the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 if only , galupy if only looking back it is mental illness that has determined many decisions - pivotal decisions - in desperate, frantic attempt to make them - ' NOT LIKE ME ' too late esp. daughter, who says and thinks things in the same way - through distorted filters, that i struggle with every word i say to support her, knowing that i think and feel the same, but that perhaps its wrong and then trying to find other ways/views which most often are simply not available in own head who knows what their futures hold, who knows the one thing i hang onto is if i end my own life - they are MASSIVELY more likely to do the same - handing down the pain terrifying when i crashed out 3 yrs ago - one deep deep hope inside was that once i got my head 'sorted out' - i could use that wisdom to help my children - infact they were the driving force to keep going we are a long way from that still, a long way, and perhaps i do more damge by remaining, only they know , but they seem to love their mum, even so God bless them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toocrazy Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 if only , galupy if only looking back it is mental illness that has determined many decisions - pivotal decisions - in desperate, frantic attempt to make them - ' NOT LIKE ME ' too late esp. daughter, who says and thinks things in the same way - through distorted filters, that i struggle with every word i say to support her, knowing that i think and feel the same, but that perhaps its wrong and then trying to find other ways/views which most often are simply not available in own head who knows what their futures hold, who knows the one thing i hang onto is if i end my own life - they are MASSIVELY more likely to do the same - handing down the pain terrifying when i crashed out 3 yrs ago - one deep deep hope inside was that once i got my head 'sorted out' - i could use that wisdom to help my children - infact they were the driving force to keep going we are a long way from that still, a long way, and perhaps i do more damge by remaining, only they know , but they seem to love their mum, even so God bless them If you were my mum and you went away it would kill me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 (((Walker))) You underestimate yourself I am sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PlasticInsanity Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 walker, kudos for being able to admit that taking your own life is not the best decision for your children. when I'm depressed, it's so easy to think that everyone's better off without me, that I need to remind myself of how it's not true. it's easy to get lost in the negative thoughts, so I just wanted to say good stuff on being able to hold on to the positives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 i've read this whole thread cos i think about this all the time. and the thing that has come out is that those of you here who have kids have made ALL the right decisions for your kids no matter what. I so agree. Even those here who dont have children in my opinion have so much love to give to be thinking about it so much and so carefully xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted July 17, 2011 Report Share Posted July 17, 2011 I'm 43 now and have no children. I can remember saying when I was about 13 or 14 that I would never have children. I've never really gone into this but I think it was to do with the treatment that I received from my mother and step-father and even at that age was terrified that I would turn into my mother and carry on the abuse that she metered out to me for years until I left home at 22 and even then it continued but not as bad because I lived miles away from her but she could still get to me over the telephone. I made the decision at 30 to cut her out of my life - I know this sounds awful but it wasn't that hard to do - to know that I wouldn't never have to see her or talk to her again gave me a huge sense of relief. Don't get me wrong it does still hurt that I don't have a mother to turn to but if I hadn't cut her out, I am quite certain that I would be dead by now - just one look from her could make me a suicidal mess. I have BPD, a recurrent depressive disorder, transient psychotic symptoms and I am a recovering alcoholic and although I have now been sober for the best part of 5 years, I do still fall off the wagon every now and again but I have never gone back to drinking like I did ie a litre bottle of vodka every day. For these reasons I do not believe that I could be a mother. It was my mother and step-father that helped to make me mentally ill and I get angry at them for taking away the opportunity to have children from me. The alcohol I don't blame anyone for - I am the one that used to pour it down my neck all day, every day. Also, I have never had that ticking biological clock that I hear so many women talking about - I never heard the slightest tick from mine and, therefore, don't think I have one - I think they left it out when they made me! When I turned 40, I had a huge crisis about whether I should have had children or not. Not because I wanted them but because turning 40 made think about what I should have done with my life. Nature and society expect women to have children and I couldn't help but think that I'd failed in some way. However, after a few months of this questioning, I came back to my senses and knew that children would never happen for me. My husband is Bipolar which is hereditary and there is some evidence that alcoholism can be hereditary and we are both of the opinion that the gene pool should stop here with us. I am in no way saying that people with MH issues shouldn't have children but, for me personally, it is a definite no. PS I think I've said in this in another post quite a while ago now but I will say it again - I really do take my hat off to all the Mums and Dads on here who do a fantastic job and I have great admiration for them. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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