Elke Posted October 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Yes, sw, its best I stay away for a while...I dont deserve this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Hi Elke Sorry I haven't been on, I've been feeling really low and anxious lately cos of the benzo withdrawals. A local benzo charity I phoned said that I am cutting my doses too fast and not giving myself chance to recover. I hope you are feeling better as you read this. sw x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted October 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2011 I know what you mean. I never gave myself the chance either. And we really need to. Keep in touch when your feeling better. hugs, Elke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted November 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 Aw Elke it sounds tough with your mums dementia. It must be hard not to take it personal, but I would try not to. It must also have been hard when your dad was dying too. It sounds like you got mixed messages when caring for your father. Your family wouldnt let you but then they said you never did anything for him. Have you looked online and offline for any resources on carers of relatives with dementia? The way you describe caring for your relatives and other relatives feels a bit like me and my family. Its like I feel they have no faith in me. My mum seems to respect my sister more than me. I am sorry to hear that both you and dad attempted suicide. It's awful to hear that your family situation is difficult regarding care. There are lots of broken up families and when one member is ill, it must often be awkward to do the caring in a postive way. If my mum started caring for me genuinely I think I would also become dependant. I did for a bit last year when I phoned h er out of desperation. I think your feelings of anger toward losing her sound normal reaction. If you do your best to care for her, you will know in yourself that you have done your best. loved and caring? You cannot do anything about not helping her in the past, but you can help her now. You will be the bigger person if you show love to her, and are there for her as best as you can, even just if its listening while she complains about her symptoms. It sounds as if you love your mum deep down. It sounds as if she knows you care. You are not a burden to her. When you told her of your planned move, and she said you wont be seeing much of each other, you have car and could let her know that you only have to get in the car, and its not a problem. I'm sorry to say that I don't understand this bit In my world full of strangers. Then, the "strangers" were mportant and didnt matter. I will try to help, and sorry I have not been so much help with this post. love sw x My blogs are all messed up and its confusing writing there atm though I would have preferred to. So I am writing here. I am feeling really bad these days and dont know why. My sleep is better when I take a tranquilizer. Bad things happening around here lately. Little town and am realizing only now how much gossip there is. Which gets me personally to the point of deciding whether to get out or make plans for suicide. Nothing here is the same anymore. I am not keeping distance as I should Asked mom again if she felt like going out somewhere yesterday. The weather is unbelievable here, its so warm. We got into the car and there was moisture and I just casually said to mom "My windshield wipers are done in, I need to get new ones". She barked at me and said "WHY DONT YOU ASK YOUR SON IF HE WILL GIVE YOU SOME MONEY!!!!" I dont know why she says this. She says it so often when I just mention something needs fixing. Maybe I am subconsciously really hoping she will help me out and she "feels" it? Either way a fight was in progress. I told her to stop sending me to my son to ask him for money and that now I am angry. She said it was my fault this fighting has begun again and I told her "Fightin? We arent fighting?!" just giving her the same replies she often gives me. We went to the cemetary and our arguing continued. It was All Saints Day and everyone was in the cemetary. I told myself no wonder there is so much gossip in this town. If they see us going at each other like this, everyone knows about it. Then I did a horrible thing. She didnt want to get into the car with me. She just stood there trying to decide what to do. But knew she wouldnt make it home walking. So she got in. She thought after the fight we were going back home, and I hijacked her and kept driving to our original destination. I asked myself if I was now a psychopath. Because I have no one left, I am hijacking my mother out of a need to be with someone. She kept quiet and I knew why. She knew she was at my mercy. We had no more arguing. The place we wanted to originally go to was closed for the holiday. I was hungry and she wanted some coffee and cake and we went to a Restaurant where my father used to go a lot with his friends. Friends I also know. Thoughtlessly I started a conversation with the waiters and mentioned a few names and asked if they knew them. They said yes, they are all part of the "family". Then mentioned my fathers name and suddenly one of the waiters said "I KNEW IT!!! You are Chris´s mother! I had a run in with you when I worked together where he works." I was shocked. I asked "What for?" (I couldnt remember this) He said "You insulted your father and I didnt like it." I was in defense and said "But I was only joking around with him!!" I then got suspiious. Since he knew my son, I asked him if my son had bad mouthed me. He said "I have nothing to do with the relationship between you and your son!" I didnt believe him. And I felt horrible, asking myself if there is ANYWHERE I can go anymore where someone doesnt know me and have something to say about me. Mom was in the next room and didnt catch on to any of it. When we drove home, I had to get something in the gas station - where I had recently been told to "LEAVE YOUR MOTHER ALONE!!!" I broke down and told my mother. She said "Oh Elke, I feel so sorry for you." And when I dropped her off at home I said I wasnt going to call her anymore. She was confused and asked "Why" - I told her it was because of what she said this morning. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?! At home I was analyzing what the waiter said to me. And I asked myself "Whose problem was this? Was it my problem, or his?" Today is my fathers 5 year death anniversary. I went to the cemetary alone this morning. I called my mom (went back on my word) and asked her if she wanted to go. She said "No. She´s not feeling well". She´s going tomorrow with my sister. Elke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted November 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 After the run in with my sister - she is now doing all the work. She is taking my mother to doctors appointments, and, and, and. She went to the Neurologist with her - and since we arent talking, she doesnt tell me what the neurologist said. I had to call the Neurologist seperately, excusing me for having to ask her because there is no contact between me and my sister. So, my mom DOES have Alzheimers. But she said that the meds she has been taking were too strong, they cut down and yes, there IS a chance things can get better for a while. She also said that they had talked about "care-taking" for my mom. Now I dont know if my sister spoke to her about this, because I am withdrawing from doing very much and she is doing it all. I told her that my mom is still quite capable of taking care of herself, but she said that it wasnt wrong to make plans just in case. I think its getting too much for my sister and she is looking around to find some relief. Its sad. I have been putting in effort to contact my sister again. But have only been able to speak on the answering service. I suggested we try family counciling, but she never replied, so I guess its out of the question for her and she doesnt want to put in the effort. Or she knows it would escalate because she cannot control anger nor let me have a word. All of it hurts. All of its sad. I am so wired. I need to talk to someone. I need help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 Hi Elke Sorry to hear you have been so low that you are thinking about suicide plans. I get those thoughts to, mine's the benzos. I know you have some stressors in your life, but do you think that your own bad experiences with benzos has added to the stressors? I'm glad you posted on here rather than the blog cos I can never find the blogs on this site, and it's frustrating. I live in a little town and know what you mean about gossip. Sorry to hear you are still having difficulties with your mum. It sounds as if she does not have a lot of empathy for the pain you are in. Don't beat yourself up about driving to your original destination. It sounds like you may have felt out of control by your familys treatment of you and wanted to get some of that control back. It also sounded as if the loneliness had become that much to bear, that you would rather spend time with someone who you don't feel comfortable around than no one. Sorry to blame the benzos, but this is another symptom. I am not dismissing your feelings and experiences, because they are real for you and must be painful, but I just thought I would let you know that monophobia is a benzo symptom. I don't like being alone and although we are not phobic of being alone, it is stressful for us. OK to be alone, not OK to be lonely. A psychopath is someone who lacks empathy, is ruthless, and dosen't care how many people's lives they wreck, so long as they get what they want. I think you were just being friendly with the waiter, and because you are anxious about your son's feelings for you, you asked the waiter about him. The waiter of course wouldn't give you any answers, as he wouldn't want to come between you and your son. I wouldn't look on it as a problem. He just mis-took your joke as an insult, and you were curious to know if your son had mentioned you to him, but had to accept that he wouldn't come between you and your son. I don't understand, who told you to "LEAVE YOUR MOTHER ALONE!!!" ? There is nothing wrong with you. You were upset by what your mum said The anniversary of the death of a loved one must also be difficult. When we are upset, we can react in funny ways with people. I know I do. I never seemed to realise how I felt at the time I was insulted or talked down to. Sometimes, I didn't even realise I am being talked down to.This increased vulnerability. I wish I could be of more help, but I am here to show you that you are not alone. Not only with common benzo experiences but also with family difficulties which are similar. love sw x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted November 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 I don't understand, who told you to "LEAVE YOUR MOTHER ALONE!!!" ? There is nothing wrong with you. You were upset by what your mum said I wish I could be of more help, but I am here to show you that you are not alone. Not only with common benzo experiences but also with family difficulties which are similar. love sw x Thanks for your reply sw. I think the Benzos are not a topic atm No, not all the symptoms I have come from Benzos, I had them before I would appreciate if you/we put this to the side atm. I know you once said you are helping yourself by helping me with the Benzo addicition, but i cannot put too many problems to solve onto me atm. I am trying to keep the intake under controll, but my doc understand the stressors i am under atm and why I need them to help me with my nerves. i once mention that I often (used to go) to this gas station for coffee .I did more listening than talk much myelf. I noticed this was becoming a place where - mostly men - would go to pour their hearts out about their marriage problems and the owner was only too willing to give them advise. These are regulars. I considered myself a regular also, though no one spoke much to me. When I spoke it was just small talk and the convo was ended quickly, Then one day I had a painful run in with mom and went to the gas station. I started telling the lady I was having a mother-daughter conflict. I figured since she was sooo sympathetic with all the mens problems, she might listen to mine also. And all the more surprised I was by her reaction. She told me "LEAVE YOUR MOTHER ALONE!!!!!!" tappin her fingers irritated on the counter.. I told her I couldnt do that, my mom has dementia. She said "Then tell you son to do the care-taking!" I said I dont have such a great relationship with my son and she said "THATS your OWN FAULT!!!!!!" I sat there stunned. The men turned their heads away, It took me weeks of thinking about this incident. I went back once and asked her why she was so harsh. She said she couldnt remember what she said. A lot was said here. Then I went back a week later and told her I would appreciate if she left her comments to herself in the future. She said fine, she would just say hello and goodbye and I said "thats fine with me also" She also said "I AM NOT A PSYCHIATRIST!" So all in all it makes me think news has spread about my ilness. But I still dont know why she said to leave my mother alone. Besides that many have caught on we have stress with each other at times? Elke All I can conclude on this is that gossip has reached this place. I think she knows a lot about the whole family situation. And its getting me very paranoid about living here. Who else has gossiped to whom, you understand? Sometimes I wonder where I can still go around here and feel safe, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted November 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 I suppose the incident was my own fault. I didn´t know her that well. Then again, who DO I know aound here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted November 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 Its been 10 days without contact to mom, except when I call. She promises she will call and never does, She forgets. My sister is doing all the care-taking that I know nothing about as in going to doctors. Mom has more trust in her than me, she wont listen to me either way - like if I say "you need a hearing-aid" she just says no she doesnt. So why bother. Its all my sister now who has control and I am on the side-lines just called upon when needed i.e when she needs me. Not mom. I dont know what the truth is, but I dont trust an of this. Because after a huge put down from my sis, I told her she can do it all herself now. It could be thats the reason mom trusts her more, it could also be that she´s told my mom to cut contact with me. Maybe I pushed myself over to the side-lines. But I dont like to be put down by my sister who says I am "messing things up" and then be called upon by her when she needs me. No! Mom was over here yesterday because she "forgot" her keys in the apartment and had to come up to me (I dont have a key), She moaned that "it makes me sick that I have to stay here now until someone comes with a key". I dont like to over-diagnose, but it sounds very push-pull what my sister is dong. My mom seems to have a "fixed" picture of me that all I want is her "money". If I say the windshielwipers are broke, even though I have the money to buy new ones, she say "Why dont you go ask your son for some money". I have had to listen to this for a year now. Its a fixed picture. Maybe just leave her alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted November 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yesterday my mom went to get her hair done and left the key in the apartment. I just talked to her and she CAN REMEMBER that I asked my son to give me the key. Now she just asked me what I need a key for? I said, so the same thing doesnt happen like yesterday and I can let you in the apartment. She laughed and said she isnt a baby that forgets her key. I also told her so my sister doesnt have to leave work just to let her in. She doesnt understand these reasons. And she has something against me having a key. I dont think my mother trusts me anymore. I am confused, I dont know what to believe anymore. If I believe what my sister once said to "not take it personally", but I cant, this all seems so crazy. Elke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted November 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 Also - its official now, my mother has Alzheimers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Hi Elke No one can force you to come off the benzos and I realise that you had issues before benzos, so did I. Your doc is happy to prescribe them to you, but I, personally would come off, and am still coming off even though I have had other stressors. Having said that I will, as you requested, put the subject of benzos aside. I am sorry to hear about the reaction from the lady at the gas station, where you just wanted to talk to someone you thought had a sympathetic ear. Don't blame yourself. It must be really lonely having people appearing to sympathise with someone who gives you pain. I know that feeling too, because I have been in many situations where I feel like the victim, yet many people take the side of the person victimizing me. I too sometimes take weeks or longer to get over bad interactions with people. Feeling worried about gossips can be very nerve wracking. Regarding gossip, I think it's good to remember that people are mainly interested in themselves over other people and that can ease anxiety about being talked about, as we know people like talking about themselves more than anyone else. It's a shame you don't feel safe where you are though, as everyone should be allowed to feel safe. It's sad to feel that your mum has more trust in your sister than you. I feel exactly the same with my sister and my mum. Remember that you have done a lot of caretaking for your mum, and no one can take that away. Speculating on what your mum said to your sister may just add to your worries. My mum and sister also used to put me down, it's very painful. The key incident must have been really frustrating for you. While I don't agree with your sisters put downs, I think, with someone who has alzheimers it's best not to take personal any comments they make, as I guess sufferers can become so confused that they don't know what they are saying. I just thought of a good idea, maybe you could connect with other people online who also have mothers or relatives with alzheimers, as they will be able to empathise with your experiences in caring for your own mum. lots of love sw x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted November 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Thanks sw, matter of fact there is even someone on this forum who has a smiliar experiences, so i have a connection. I have also called the state Alzheimer Association and chatted with them. But they seem to see the conflict between my sister and me as main problem atm and suggested going to a family councelor even if I only go myself (sis has already declined). Sounds to me like we are soul-mates what family concerns, many similarities. i understand now why you would rather live your not so great situation, than go back home. Elke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted November 12, 2011 Report Share Posted November 12, 2011 Thanks sw, matter of fact there is even someone on this forum who has a smiliar experiences, so i have a connection. I have also called the state Alzheimer Association and chatted with them. But they seem to see the conflict between my sister and me as main problem atm and suggested going to a family councelor even if I only go myself (sis has already declined). Sounds to me like we are soul-mates what family concerns, many similarities. i understand now why you would rather live your not so great situation, than go back home. Elke I am sorry your sis won't go to family therapy, but do you feel like going anyway? You could get something out of it. You can choose your friends but not your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.