manja. Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 I know this probably sounds really stupid and I hope nobody laughs at me, but I want to take a moment to congratulate myself. I know I’ll just sound stupid, but seems I may have found some of the self-compassion I was looking for by getting and reading my social work records. And I read about a little girl today that some really awful things happened to. Some really terrible stuff that shouldn’t have happened, that could’ve been prevented but wasn’t. But despite that I didn’t do too bad. I went to university and got a degree something nobody in my family had ever done. I bought a house at 22, despite growing up in really bad poverty. I got a really good job, and followed my heart and emigrated and made a life for myself that I really like. And I might suffer from depression and mental health problems but I am strong and focused and determined to make good stuff come out of all the bad stuff that happened, and really determined to get through all the shit and make the best life I can. I’m doing that for that little girl that all the horrible stuff happened. I’m going to get through this, to give her the best life possible. Don’t know what else to say, just that I think if it helped me see some good about myself and helped me find some self-compassion then getting my records was actually a good thing after all. I guess it makes a change from me giving myself a hard time about being unwell. And please don’t praise me, this is not why I’m saying all this crap xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BimoUK Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 This is so wonderful to read hun!!! X x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja. Posted October 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Some people didn't know if I was doing the right thing requesting my records, but I'm going to make sure it was a good thing. I'm going to use them to let me see that I am doing ok, and it's acceptable to be mentally unwell, given all I went through. And I am also going to use it to try to help me as a motivation to help me look after myself better. They described me at 13 years old: 'Amanda has started to neglect her physical hygiene completely, and her classmates have started to shun her'. Depression makes it really difficult for me to care for myself, but I'm going to use my records and that sentence to try to not be like that anymore. I don't want to be like I was when I was 13. I don't want to be that person anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Hi Manja, I can't help but feel like praising you. Yet i understand that you are not looking for that, I am glad that looking at your records empowered you with self-compassion. What you are coming to terms with is HUGE, and the fact that you have this mindset on it shows how strong you are. It's ok to be sad too, all your emotions are valid, Happy for you that such a traumatic thing as reading ones own records at 13 has helped. Dont think i could be so brave, love xx am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja. Posted October 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 This is so wonderful to read hun!!! X x Thank you Bimo. It feels good to be able to say it xx Hi Manja, I can't help but feel like praising you. Yet i understand that you are not looking for that, I am glad that looking at your records empowered you with self-compassion. What you are coming to terms with is HUGE, and the fact that you have this mindset on it shows how strong you are. It's ok to be sad too, all your emotions are valid, Happy for you that such a traumatic thing as reading ones own records at 13 has helped. Dont think i could be so brave, love xx am Thanks hun. I read records that began when I was about 5, and continued probably till I was about 16 or so. Most was about the sexual abuse stuff, that was discovered when I was 13. But I am also angry as much as anything else. There was case conferences about my family when I was 6, yet nothing was done, less than two years later me and my two sisters were being abused, I was also emotionally abused and neglected for years after that, before I was only taken into foster care at 15 when me and my sister refused to live at home anymore. I wish they had taken us off my parents when I was little and I'm angry that it could've all been prevented. It makes me angry that it all happened, but I'm so determined to make good stuff come out of it all. I am sad too. I am sad for that little girl. But I don't know if I can let myself feel it too much. I'm already in too much of a depression, I'm trying not to let the sadness overpower me. And I spend so much of my time feeling like I want to die, but I'm fighting so hard not to let this beat me, and I'm never ever going to let this beat me xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 I dont know what to say because i don't want it to come out like praise but i am very happy for you. I was a smelly 13 year old too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manja. Posted October 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 I dont know what to say because i don't want it to come out like praise but i am very happy for you. I was a smelly 13 year old too Thanks Emma, you made me laugh there, thank you and thank you for accepting me xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepsimeg Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 as i cant praise you i will give you one of these instead :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 I think you are doing really well Manja. Reading through all that stuff is bound to bring other stuff up though. Take it easy, I did some research like this a few years ago and took my older brother to court and it took more out of me than I realised. Make sure you tandem it with lots of pampering and "you" time xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted November 3, 2011 Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 And please don’t praise me, this is not why I’m saying all this crap xxx Thanks for posting, it was really nice to read. I will respect your wishes and not praise you. If you don't mind I'll post a video instead . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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