What Are You Seeking?

[EmilyStrange]

What are you seeking.... when you seek therapy... specifically talk therapy (counselling, psychiatrist etc.)?

I've come to the realization that i'm not sure how it can help.. but i've been so desperately seeking it. Maybe it's that I want a professional to vent to? A professional to vent to about my horrible life and all the past miserable 34yrs and he/she will somehow validate it all? I don't know. Therapists and the like aren't actually allowed to give input - they just usually ask a lot of questions. I've had counselling before and found it useless, however it's always been with women (except for the psychiatrists who have all been men). I do know that I don't work well with female counsellors for some reason.

I guess now is not the time for me to be choosy. I'm lonely and have zero support system.

I'm curious to know what others motivations are (besides seeking official diagnosis and medication)?

[jenny1471]

Hi

That's a good question and its one that therapists often ask when at your first appointment. Personally I am in therapy as I have attachment issues. I know that I seek nurturing female figures in life, which has caused me massive problems in the past. I purposefully sought a therapist who could work with attachment.. It's very difficult as I'm attached to her, but that really is the whole point. I am able to talk to her about my attachment with her. And hopefully this is helping me to overcome the attachment. It's a long, long process but I can see some small shifts already.

There are lots of different types of therapy.. Seem working better for different people and different problems. Mine is psychodynamic therapist who has a good understanding of attachment and hasn't dumped me when I've got too needy (previous counsellors have).

I think asking yourself what you want out of counselling is very important to establish.. It might help you work out what type of therapy is best for you. I wouldn't settle for anyone. I do hear you saying you're lonely, but I do believe you need to find the right therapist for you. Someone who you could trust and work with.

Jenny x

[Alittlelost]

Good question ,I really struggle with this question.

My psychiatrist recently asked "What can we do to help you" and although like you I want somebody to off load onto, somebody to validate my past experiences and explain to me why I feel the way I do, I couldn't tell her that. Iv'e had many therapists (iv'e been passed around alot) and in every one Iv'e found myself unable to bring up the real reasons why I am there, and end up talking about superficial things. It's as though I'm waiting for him/her to approch the subjects.

So I suppose I'm seeking a "mind reader" or for somebody to "give me a bit of a push", in a nurturing way so I can begin to unravel my past and maybe for him/her to comfirm things I want answers to.

I agree with Jenny, It is a important question to ask yourself when starting therapy/counselling, so yeah thanks for asking it

[Christine001]

Hi I was put off psychotherapy for almost 20years because of what you hear about them just sitting there and waiting for you to talk, I have met 2 people who say their therapist has gone to sleep. But now I think therapist are getting more specialist and that its best to go to one who has PD experience. Validation is what I needed first, then gentle awareness of my issues and then some very gentle challenge. Every session I have had it takes me 5 mins to start talking, but its got easier and I think well if I don't talk what a waste of time.

[lonelyheartemma]

Validation is important for me. My mum tells me I'm a horrible person, I don't mean to be horrible but I need someone to tell me I'm not all bad and my mum isn't always the lovely person she always tells me she is.

Also I want someone to listen. Its not venting so much with me as I'm not angry (I don't feel anger much and when I do its usually on someone else's behalf, its hard to get angry when people say nasty things and I agree with them), I'm sad and bewildered by the way my mum treats me and it would help to be able to say the words out loud to someone. I don't know anyone offline who is prepared to listen. But just listening isn't enough, they need to make some sort of response. When I sent distraught emails to my social worker and she completely ignored me, when she laughed when I told her about suicidal attempts, that was worse than keeping it inside.

Tbh I do also want some input from the therapist. I don't like talking to someone who is completely blank and doesn't respond. My mum does that to me when she decides what I've said isn't worth responding to and I never know if she's even heard me, she does often tune out when I'm talking. I find that really difficult to deal with. I'd like to be interacting with a human being, I'd like some naturalness to the conversation. Its possible to give that impression without telling you much but I personally love a little annecdote here and there, it doesn't have to be long, just a few seconds. I think here's a nice person with a sense of humour who isn't perfect, I want to talk to this person. But most counsellors don't give you that and it sounds like a lot of therapists don't either :/ I also want a natural conversation because I don't have many of those, I only really speak to my parents and my GP and conversations with my parents aren't normal conversations between 3 adults, it's two adults and a child who they want to agree with them about everything.

I'd like someone who can teach me techniques for dealing with my feelings. Not so much dealing with my mum because she's a very complicated person, I think she would also need therapy if I wanted to change her behaviour. But I'd like to learn how to deal with my feelings so I can just hear what she says and let it wash over me and learn not to be upset by it. I know she'll say anything to upset me, I know I can't expect her to be consistent, she's quite capable of saying "I've got this brilliant idea, do this" one day and then the next day "that idea of yours is really stupid." When she does give me support and encouragement I don't want to get caught up in the belief she will feel the same way about it the next day.

I think that's what I'm seeking.

[SusieQ]

Interesting question. You say 'I'm lonely and have a zero support system'. Maybe that is your reason. It sound pretty trivial, but I wonder if that's all there is too it really. We are social animals so if something screws up in life we need support from somewhere. If we can't get it from the people around us, then we have the option now to look to someone professionally trained to provide it.

[EmilyStrange]

These are all normal reasons.....

I've been trying to shove this thought out of my head or put it to the back and I can't. I want someone to tell me what to do. I want someone to tell me exactly what to do to put my life on track and how to fix it... but no one is going to do that. That is not the job of trained professionals.

I'm a bug stuck here in the hail storm just trying to ride it out. But then what? Then what's left after the storm abates?

I am tired of living my life like this. I just can't do it any longer. I want someone to take it all away.

What I am seeking truly doesn't exist.

[learningtofly]

Emily, I like the original question you posted. Whether or not we get our needs met is partly beyond our control, if we want things right away (which I often do) or sometimes even in the time frame we set up, when it seems reasonable to us. I guess that's part of being human. Not my favorite part.

What are you seeking?

From the counselor who I talk to now, I am trying to lay down those expectations and just talk each time. But the expectations that I have to lay down are:

-wanting someone to soothe me

-wanting validation, both that I am "nuts" and that I am making progress

-wanting someone to think that I'm smart

-wanting to talk to someone who intrigues or fascinates me

-I want to bond with someone who is so hopeful, that his or her hopefulness is reflected in me

-someone who can coax me into reliability and into making better choices more of the time

Yeah, that's a lot to ask. So I don't. But I wonder if people can "feel" my deep insecurity and neediness just bleeding out of me. Probably. How repulsive.

[Saharah Blue]

I am going back because I need to work on taking personal responsibility for myself.

• Getting back to work and holding down a job
• Making some life goals that are achievable
• Accepting responsibility for my own care
• Working on finding a committed reason to being alive

[Fanta]

Hi

That's a good question and its one that therapists often ask when at your first appointment. Personally I am in therapy as I have attachment issues. I know that I seek nurturing female figures in life, which has caused me massive problems in the past. I purposefully sought a therapist who could work with attachment.. It's very difficult as I'm attached to her, but that really is the whole point. I am able to talk to her about my attachment with her. And hopefully this is helping me to overcome the attachment. It's a long, long process but I can see some small shifts already.

There are lots of different types of therapy.. Seem working better for different people and different problems. Mine is psychodynamic therapist who has a good understanding of attachment and hasn't dumped me when I've got too needy (previous counsellors have).

I think asking yourself what you want out of counselling is very important to establish.. It might help you work out what type of therapy is best for you. I wouldn't settle for anyone. I do hear you saying you're lonely, but I do believe you need to find the right therapist for you. Someone who you could trust and work with.

Jenny x

I'd love a therapist like yours.

For me, I have only been in therapy once and that was just for 6 months and in that time I had become greatly attached to her,I only left last week.

Just started with a new therapist, I am afraid that I will become attached to this one too, This therapist though will be here as long as I need her and works very different to my other T, What I want is to gain some confidence and self esteem and I don't want to feel like an oddball, I feel so different than everyone, I have yet to meet someone like myself, I think this will truly sound odd saying that to a therapist?

[SoppyCow96]

i had a psyciatrist once who annoyed me for months she would keep staring at me it was like she was waiting for me to burst or go crazy or something.Id open up to her about a man who made my life a misery for ten yrs who abused me and that was really hard for me to open up to somebody about that and then she said "i dont think his that much of bad bloke are you sure the reason for you disliking him is because of that or is it because you just dont like your mum being with somebody else that isnt your father?" then she just stared at me all confident like she figured it out and all i said was "wasnt you listening to any word i just said!" x

[Kitsune]

Man, Soppy that's an example of a really shite Psych- unfortunately there are quite a few out there- people who can't seem to keep their own issues and opinions out of the equation and don't listen to what their patient is truly saying to them!

I think this is a really useful and important question to ask when seeking any therapy- and a question that should be continually asked and used in review. I don't know how to answer it right now because I'm in therapy and I still haven't sat still for a moment and thought 'what do I really want here?'. I'm glad you asked it though because it's prompted me to think about what I'm really hoping to get out of my sessions!

[EmilyStrange]

I keep meaning to come back to this thread.. I haven't had the energy.. it's complex...

I have oodles of access to therapy now as a result of the fall out of my January incident. As narcissistic bastard I used to know said to me all the time... "they can't help you - only you can fix you". Scary concept.. but i'm realizing how true it is. I go to the counselling, and psychiatrist, and group therapy, and all it is is venting. They aren't fixing anything, or validating.

Only I can fix it all. I need to pay off all the debt and move out of this toxic place. I need to find people who will genuinely care about me and love me. If I can't then i'm doomed.

I was so desperate for them to listen and take me seriously.. and have access to therapy.. and now that I have it, I don't even know what I expect from it.... I want it though, and society would say I that need it. It won't change the past though - and the past brought me here, and is a predictor of the future.