Feelings Of Rejection

[addy2]

Hi lalissa i get what your saying it makes sense, it was the impact of them stopping my therapist that has made me unable to trust and engage in therapy the thing is they should know that they could have done it so much better, the therapist i was with even told the psychologist that he wanted to stay with me until trauma therapy started and that we would agree on an end date and work towards it and the psychologist was like no we just stop it now to me that was extremely cruel after being with him 7yrs he had to agree with her, i ended up calling him 3 three weeks later in crisis and gave him hell something i have never done before i just couldnt cope and he was so upset he called my social worker to see if i was ok i should have been asking him he was the one who got all the grief. Then i was given a trauma therapist who i failed to connect with was with her 8 months and was told to go for dbt to enable me to cope with the trauma stuff, now in dbt i have been with my therapist a yr and i struggle so much he said he knows i am blocking him because of my fear of being hurt and they did the same thing again in June i have been with my social worker 3yrs and they just said thats it you have to leave her and focus on dbt i was devastated again i get the ending thing is hard but if they did it right i would cope better. So now April is looming over me and i cry every time i go to dbt group or one to one, but your right i need to tell them and i will i am going to say how much this is affecting me and that i know endings are part of things but they need to do it differently. I was supposed to be referred back to trauma therapy but they said i'm still too unstable so i have no idea whats going to happen. Thankyou so much for replying xx

[addy2]

Hi notcoping i have sort of being obsessing about it all weekend if i should ring or not, i feel like just ringing him and telling how bad i feel i dont even know if he'll listen. Sorry your anxiety is so high too notcoping, i hate how it rules everything, i drove to the shop about an hour ago and just wanted to cry and turn, usually it doesnt bother me. I broke my phone last night too i dont have the mobile number for my therapist just the office one and i might not get him makes me anxious then wondering what to do. I am going to try and tell them though and maybe get something from these last few months or i might as well leave them now xx

[lalissa]

Wow Geez Addy what a fu*k load of trauma you have been put through.

it seems to me that many people with bpd or similar have suffered a great deal over the years with inadequate and incompetent management by m/h and social services. slowly slowly here and there just a bit i do think people are realising how damaging this sort of thing is, but inevitable with ever changing services this kind of cr*p still happens. You speak bravely hon, NOW is the time to talk thru the impact of the ending with your therapist, NOT in the penultimate session!! (i am a fine one to talk...my therapist says i go into complete denial when a break is approaching and them i'm like oh! huh! it's xmas break next week or whatever..)

I also really really urge and hope that some further / follow up support can start to be arranged - it is not acceptable to chuck you in one year of therapy and leave you supposedly cured - NO!

ok, sorry, i don't want to make it worse for you, i feel passionately about this stuff...

((((hugs))))

[notcoping]

Hi addy

I am not surprised you are being a little obsessed with not knowing what to do - it is very scary and a vulnerable place for you to be in (((((((((addy)))))))))

I know it is really easy to say and not easy to do at all.........but please take that 'risk' and voice your thoughts and feelings to your therapist - you haven't really got anything to lose it seems and it is coming to an end in a few months and like you say you need to sort this out now really and not have it all hanging over you (the uncertainty and not knowing what help will be offered next etc).

I really hope you feel able to phone him tomorrow.......although difficult now you don't have his mobile :-( I am sure (well I hope) that if you leave a message for him at the office he will get back to you? I really do hope so addy xxx

Please take care of yourself and don't be harsh on yourself I am sure that anyone (well I know I would/have/will be the same in your circumstances. Something needs to be sorted for you now so you are not abandoned and left and it is not just your responsibility to sort this out, but maybe if you raise the issue you will gradually get some much needed answers.

Thinking of you and hoping you feel able to continue to post throughout this time,

Sending love and hugs.

nc xXx

[addy2]

I will try and tell him how scared I am but what makes it worse is the psychologist who did all this is meant to be a specialist in bpd she doesn't treat people as if they have feelings she seems to think we can be treated anyway they want and its up to us to tolerate it. They have made things a lot harder for me I was never this paranoid or felt so abadoned or rejected before and this therapy was meant to help me all it did was confirm every fear I had and make them worse. It has made my anxiety much worse and my mood has dropped too and have lost whatever confidence I did have in myself. Thankyou for talking to me both of you it has helped me put it out there and helped me decide what I need to do xx

[artemis84]

Good luck for tomorrow's phone call addy. And well done for not giving up on thinking about this difficult situation. Thinking of you. x

[addy2]

Thankyou artemis, I'm anxious already about calling him, phone calls make me nervous, he tells me to write down what I need to say when I call. He gives me a 2 hour time frame in which to call and he will be available I never know what to say so I call near the end of the 2hrs typical of me. Xx

[notcoping]

Hi addy

Thinking of you today and hoping the phonecall will go as well as it possibly can xxx It is so bad the way you have been treated and that the people and therapies you have had have made things worse :-( That is not good at all.

Please try to take care of you and keep posting. Thinking of you and sending *hugs*

nc xXx

[addy2]

Thankyou so much notcoping, I rang him at 11.10am only 20 mins left of the time he gave me, he was on a call, I had barely hung up though and he rang back I'm glad because more feelings of rejection were setting in on top of how I already feel. We just talked about mindfulness and how I struggle with doing nothing and allowing my mind to be empty for a while it makes me panic. I asked how is mindfulness meant to help me he said he has told me several times so he suggested I research it makes sense I guess, now I feel I shouldn't have asked how does it help if he has already told me. He said I should do something nice for myself for making the effort to call and for trying what he suggested, I would rather go back to sleep, just feel so low today and tired. Dbt group is tomorrow and it takes an hour to get there the journey makes me so anxious and being in a group. How are you feeling today notcoping? Is your anxiety any less, I hope you have a good day xx

[notcoping]

Hi addy

You should be really proud of making that phonecall to your therapist - I can imagine just how hard that was xxx I am really glad he phoned you back so promptly and I feel that this shows in itself that maybe he does like you and feel you are worth caring about and supporting etc. I know it may not feel that way though :-(

I find the whole mindfulness thing not that helpful also to be honest, although I know some people benefit from it greatly. You did nothing wrong in asking how it is meant to help - and it doesn't matter at all if he has already told you........you needed to know today and that is honestly ok in my opinion.

It is hard having to travel to your dbt group. I start at my therapeutic community on Monday (soooo scared) and I have to travel by train to get there and it takes over an hour, so do appreciate how much added stress this can cause. I hope your group goes as well as possible tomorrow and that you feel less vulnerable and anxious (((((((((addy))))))))

I am still feeling in a very anxious and agitated state - not helping that I start at the community properly on Monday.........don't feel I am going to be able to cope with everything :-( I will be ok though (I hope)!

By the way it is fine in my opinion if you sometimes go back to bed when feeling so low and tired - a duvet day can be a really good thing - although guess not healthy to be in bed all day, every day - but ok when needed I think xxx

Please take care addy and I hope to hear how your group goes tomorrow. I will be thinking of you.

Sending love and hugs your way.

nc xXx

[artemis84]

Well done on calling addy, I agree with nc, it was a real achievement. And your therapist does seem to have realised how hard you tried as he called back so soon. I feel the same with phone calls. My therapist called me over Christmas and I missed her call, she left a message saying I could call her back but that was way too anxiety provoking for me so we never spoke. My own fault I know but my mind won't let me call - I don't deserve her time and I am way too unimportant to bother her with. It's hard enough to convince myself I am entitled to turn up to therapy sessions some weeks!

I think your therapist is right and that you deserve to do something nice for yourself as a reward but that is also so much easier said than done. In fact, my therapist told me this afternoon that my homework for this week is to do something nice or kind for myself! I find it so difficult, everything in my head is screaming that I mustn't, shouldn't or can't do it. Sleep is also my escape instead. I am not good enough to deserve kindness from anyone, let alone myself - I know what a pathetic excuse for a human being I really am. Sorry, I shouldn't be going on about myself - I'm sure you're sick of me saying "oooh, that happened to me too!" anyway! Sorry.

Nc, i wanted to wish you luck for your new start next week. I am sure you will be fine like you say but I can understand your anxiety, it must be hard not to worry about meeting new people and dealing with stuff in a new way, change is tough for anyone but it hits guys like us with mh issues even harder I think.

Addy, good luck also for your group session tomorrow. You are showing such commitment by travelling so far knowing that you find it hard. I hope you can get some benefits out of you perseverance.

Hugs and thinkings to all. xx

[Elke]

Listen to your intuition. Listen to your inner voice. There really ARE therapists that just dont like you. If you have that feeling - leave.

P.S. Typical for me is only to read a persons FIRST post. /My flaw) I have not read the other replies.

[addy2]

Hi thankyou everyone for replying you are all amazing and wouldn't have got through it without talking on here. I was surprised how quick he called back, he confuses me but anyway I am trying to take him as I find him, he is taking the group later today and that is hard I tend to ignore him which doesn't help and he ignores me too he even has an attitude at times towards me in the group. I don't find mindfulness any help either notcoping I don't seem to feel it or something its strange I know others in the group think its brilliant. Good luck next week notcoping I would be so anxious too, your are doing so well for going though be proud of that, its hard though I know. Artemis please don't apologise I don't mind the me too's they make me feel not alone and it helps when I feel someone else knows what I mean. I am the same when it comes to being kind to me I hate me and some part of me will not allow me to be kind, I am the same when it comes to calling I feel I don't deserve him time and I shouldn't be calling him I think that's what makes me so anxious on the phone. Did you manage to speak to your therapist yet? Thankyou Elke for replying he could well do not like me he confuses me some days I feel ok with him and other days I feel he hates me, I never know if its me or him. Its so late right now and I'm awake feeling strange and anxious and group after being of for Christmas. Big Hugs to all of you xx

[notcoping]

Hi addy

Thanks for wishing me good luck next week - I will need it - also I am sorry to have brought that up in your thread - just wanted to explain how I understood about the travelling and some of the other stuff xxx Thanks too artemis for your kind wishes and for understanding how scary and anxiety provoking it is xxx

I am thinking of you addy in your group today and hoping you feel able to post about it if you want to or need to - of course no pressure. Would like to hear how you are managing after it though *hugs*.

Take care and sorry again for using your thread to bring up about my stuff :-(

Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

nc xXx

[addy2]

Hi notcoping no need to apologise I really don't mind please feel free to say anything you want too. I am on the bus on the way there it takes over an hour, I feel sick and so tired but I knew if I didn't go I would just feel bad for giving into my anxiety. Do you ever have days where you feel like your not you anymore, I almost feel like I'm lost inside myself maybe its just because I feel low I don't know its a strange feeling sort of like I'm numbed out now, not there anymore but really anxious at the same time. My therapist and psychologist are taking the group today makes me even more nervous. I hope you have a good day and thankyou for thinking of me and there is really no need to apologise its good to use examples from your life then I know you really understand it too. Take Care xx

[notcoping]

Hi addy

Thanks for what you said about it being ok to share a little about me - I was worried I had done the wrong thing xxx I worry a lot anyway and have a tendency to analyse things I have said or done a lot - anyway your reassurance helped so thank you xxx

I think you did so well in going to your group as I know a huge part of you didn't want to and would have preferred not to. I hear how having your one to one therapists running the group can make it harder and more anxious for you. It must be hard I think to sometimes see certain people on a one to one and at other times have them in a group environment. It would make me very anxious too and probably I would try to guess and predict why they said/didn't say certain things within the group and whether this was any reflection on our one to one time. I would feel very paranoid about it I think. (((((((((addy)))))))))

I could relate to what you shared about feeling numb and yet anxious at the same time etc. Sometimes I really don't have any idea who I am or how I am feeling - always anxious and low etc but numb at the same time - like I have started shutting down I guess. It is hard to feel that way.

Anyway addy I hope your group wasn't too tough and that you get home safely too. I would be pleased to hear how you get on, although just to let you know I may not be able to reply until tomorrow as am out tonight doing training with my dog. I will definitely reply tomorrow though. Take care of yourself and know I am thinking of you xXx

[addy2]

Hi notcoping I tend to over analyze things as well, yeah him taking the group makes me paranoid too I hate being this way. Today was ok my anxiety was really high which was hard to sit through and I ended up disagreeing with them about cbt and anxiety and that the theory of staying with something doesn't make it go away. I am the only person in that group who actually says stuff like that everyone else just agrees, maybe that's why I don't get any better I'm too busy fighting them. My therapist was ok today he gave me a book on mindfulness but see it goes like this then next week he seems to hate me. I didn't get home until 7pm I'm exhausted. I hope you had a good day notcoping xx

[notcoping]

Hi addy xxx

I know you hate being like this ((((((((addy))))))))) It is awful to feel like this :-(

I am really proud of you for going to group and staying with it even though your anxiety was so incredibly high. I am not surprised you were exhausted - 7pm is late to get in, especially on top of a full on group. I don't think it is wrong in anyway to disagree or question therapists on what they are saying - sometimes that is a big step in itself as it is easier to just agree or go along with things and not ask the questions etc. Do you feel like you get stuck in a battle with the therapists and others in the group though? That can't be pleasant if it is the case.........but I do think it is ok to not just go along with things you are not sure about xxx

Anyway addy.........thanks for letting me know how your group went. I hope you can do something nice for yourself today as yesterday was really tough - even if that does mean hiding under the duvet for a while. Try to take care of yourself and I hope your sessions next week go as well as possible.

nc xXx

[addy2]

Hi notcoping, feeling sick today and had my one to one therapy it went ok I wanted to say to him that I feel he hates me but I was scared he would be angry so I didn't. He said I seemed less tense yeaterday in the group although he said I was still away in my head for parts of it which was true. He finally hit the nail on the head today when he said he feels that I think I don't have any mental health issues that I am totally in denial and he is so right, does anyone else do this I feel I made it up like I don't really have bpd he said how could I make up bpd and anxiety and depression I said I don't know its strange isn't it I can't accept that I have a mental illness he said it explains why nothing works, how stupid am I. We also set up a crisis plan and who to call when I want to od which I do a lot he said I don't have to tell them I'm going to od but as long as I tell them I'm struggling. So it was ok, I felt fuzzy but ok. I don't really get stuck in a battle with them but I have strong opinions which I have no trouble saying outloud I have been told I'm too honest at times for my own good. Others in the group are quiet they don't disagree with me, I listen to others though I mean I listen to others opinions and respect them its only the therapists I tend to disagree with. How are you feeling about Monday? I hope you had a good day. Xx

[lalissa]

hey addy,

i only skim read cos my head is pretty screwed up tonite, but i was thinking that if/when i start in a therapy group i would love for you to be in it - couldn't f'ing stand it if everyonw was just nodding and agreeing, i think you are right there is a lot to question and a lot of things to disagree with..!! sounds like you were awesome honest with your therapist about not accepting your illness and feelin like you make it up, that resonates with me big time, i feel so ashamed like i am being an actress whilst at the same time desparate for someone to recognise i need help cos 'im not well! it's good you have a crisis plan, do you feel like its an ok plan?

((((hugs))))

lali xx

[addy2]

Thankyou lalissa I don't know if others like me being so honest but then once someone said to me that I had said what they were thinking but couldn't say. I feel though like I'm the negative one I have an answer for everything with them so I try to keep quiet a lot of the time. Its an ok crisis plan we tried before but I got upset because it includes phoning friends and I don't have any so now we have established that it has to be someone else I call, so I have out of hours cpn, duty officer or lifeline, lifeline is a local based crisis line and my therapist has been in touch with them as they are trained in dbt and he gave my name and what helps and what doesn't so if I call them they are supposed to know what to do, would be good if it worked, what if I get someone who doesn't help. I get that too feeling like I'm acting but I'm really not I really struggle but I feel fake its the strangest feeling xx

[notcoping]

Hi addy

Thanks for your message - it is good to hear from you and hear how you are doing etc xxx

I am glad you went to your individual therapy session today and it didn't got too badly and that you maybe feel like some progress was made. It doesn't matter that you were not ready to tell him about your thoughts that he hates you - you did amazingly well going with the session and it seems like he struck a chord with you and maybe started to get you a bit and gave you stuff to think about? I know this can also be hard in itself though *hugs* Oh yes - and you are most definitely not stupid in any way!!! xxx

It is great that you set up a crisis plan - do you feel you can work with that or not? It will be hard I should imagine breaking your usual patterns/behaviours but maybe worth a try if at all possible.......it doesn't matter if you don't get it right all of the time - just trying (like you are) is a big step.

I do really think it is good that you are able to express your opinions and question what is being told to you - that is very brave and something I couldn't do - I too think it would make you an asset to any group.

Struggling today to be honest - dreading Monday and sooo scared. Just want to not feel for a bit, and yet in some ways I do feel numb.......know that doesn't make sense being numb and yet at the same time feeling overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings - I am weird!

Anyway addy........thanks for asking. You take care and please do keep posting xXx

[addy2]

Thankyou for all your help notcoping, I really hope your anxiety eases a bit for you before Monday I know how horrible it is feeling like that all the time. Do you have other support like a cpn to talk to? You might have said before but I have such a bad memory. I'm not doing so good today anxiety is high and I feel really low I just want to hide away and everything seems to upset me, so tired too, I hate feeling crap when I don't know why. I hope you had an ok day notcoping, hugs to you xx

[notcoping]

Hi addy xxx

Thanks for your message........sorry you are struggling so much at the moment - it is awful feeling this way, especially when we don't really understand it ourselves :-( I can see that you have an awful lot to contend with right now though and a lot of uncertainty that would affect anyone - even if they didn't have mh stuff going on too *hugs*.

I hope today is a little easier for you, I really do - but am aware that this may well not be the case. I am struggling a lot too at present to be honest so can't think of the right words at present - sorry. Thanks for caring though addy.......I do have a cpn, although don't know her that well and don't see her that often really. Don't feel able to phone her or anything either - I will be ok, just not feeling very good........

Anyway.........you take care of yourself addy and please do keep posting and I will always reply, although may not be able to get on here as much from Monday as have 3 long days each week at the community. I will reply whenever I come online though as I do care and want to know how you are doing. Likewise if you ever felt you needed to or would like to pm me please feel free to do this too.

Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

nc xXx

[lalissa]

hi addy,

just wanted to say i think i understand how you feel about the crisis plan, it does seem (to me) like some people just 'work' when u talk to them and some people just somehow make it worse or you feel awful like they just dont cant wont get it.. always worth a try phoning when in need i guess tho, and at least if they know a bit about you that might help...

i also get how frustrating it is when told to phone friends etc, i don't tell anyone who knows me when i am going thru a crisis, no one. i think its part of that fake feeling you are talking about. i dunno mebbe its part of bpd etc, uncertain identity or some such...

(((((hugs)))))

hope you are managing ok tonite,

lali xx