addy2 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Hi notcoping and lalissa, its good to hear from you both, it hasnt been a good day, my anxiety is through the roof, went to get my hair done and panicked so much now i'm exhausted because of it all, it frustrates me like getting my hair done should be a good thing, not sitting shaking with anxiety, i think its because i hate being touched no matter what its for. Sorry to hear your struggling notcoping, i really hope you can relax over the weekend a wee bit i know that will be hard though, no wonder your anxious i would be too i think the build up to the thing is sometimes worse than the actual thing itself, here me saying that though and me scared of the hairdresser. I find it hard on the phone anyway lalissa i find it hard to say what i'm feeling i get all mixed up and confused, i would never tell friends either i find it hard i dont want people to know how i really feel, the dbt therapist said its because we mask everything so much that we cant drop the mask and admit how bad we feel and because we have an identity for everybody we never know who we are, makes sense i suppose, hugs to you too notcoping and lalissa xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Sorry I haven't said much for a while. I have been reading but I'm having a very disconnected week so haven't been able to respond as I'd have liked. This place is great though, it is so reassuring to know that stuff happens to other people not just you and to know that people are here for each other. I think it is important to say what you think in groups addy - when I had to do groups when I was in hospital most people in one would just sit there and nod whereas in another there was proper discussion. It was the latter one that helped me more. Obviously sometimes people can't say stuff or find it hard to engage which is absolutely fine but on the whole I feel talking therapies are more effective when you talk! Planning for crises is a good thing to do but like everyone has said, often when they occur things are not so clear cut or easy as they seem when written on paper. Still, I think it is important that there is a plan with several options on it so you can try whatever feels right at the time. I too struggle with the phoning someone - even if I'm not directly asking for help it still seems impossible to understand that anyone else would be caring enough to really listen and not just 'do their job' as you said lalissa. Addy, I completely get the feeling of pretending you have mental health issues that you described. It can be really compelling can't it? For many years I have questioned whether there is anything wrong with me at all - I even considered that I was hospitalised as a clerical error and one day someone would come and chuck me out as an imposter. But it never happened. And now I've just gone into yet more therapy - knowing how cash strapped the nhs is I know they wouldn't be wasting money on me if I was 'pretending'. However, I still really struggle with the justification of my diagnoses and my treatment. In my head I am just useless, pathetic and weak, I don't have a health problem that would explain my struggles with life - I don't deserve an explanation. Anyway, I wanted to send hugs and warm wishes to everyone - addy, notcoping, and lalissa. I hope you all have restful weekends and can have some mental health free time, even if only for a few moments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Thankyou artemis, its horrible feeling disconnected I get that too and it feels like everyone has disappeared if that makes sense that they have all left and I feel like I'm someone else, somehow my thoughts are different, maybe not what you meant though. I was glad he wrote down what to do in a crisis but as you say when the time comes it isn't so easy and sometimes I don't want help I want to self destruct he said he wrote it in the hope that I would read it and remember him and things we have talked about it that might help. I don't know though I get so stubborn at times. I think I worry about always being the negative one in the group I don't want them saying here she goes again my therapist said its my group as much as there's and I should feel free to talk. It was ok with him this week and now I worry next week won't be good that he will be all strange to me again, maybe in reality its me who is strange, like now, I feel I'm not me and haven't been for a while like everything feels different, unsafe, scary, I can't focus or concentrate, I could even read this in a few weeks and not feel like I wrote it, does that make any sense, it happens a lot, I say things or have written things and read them and be like was that me. Anxiety is hight tonight and it makes me feel ill, I hope you have a good weekend too artemis, hugs to you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 (((((Addy)))) I'm glad your latest therapy session went well. It is horrible when a session goes badly because that can have such a big effect, not just the experience of being there but recovering afterwards. Even a good session can need a certain amount of recovery because of all the difficult/triggering subjects and even when you do have a good session the worry doesn't always go away because you don't know what to expect next time. I suppose they are just human like us, they might be tired or stressed about their own problems or upset about a previous session and they don't always hide it very well. Once I was in a group at Mind and the woman running it said to me privately beforehand that a friend of hers had just died so she didn't want me to worry if she seemed distracted. That was really nice of her to think of me when she was feeling so sad and I did notice she wasn't at all focused but I knew why so it didn't upset me (well I was kind of upset for her because she'd lost a friend but I wasn't paranoid or hurt or anything like that). But most people won't (or can't) explain why they might be distracted so we are left to form our own conclusions. And with pds, conclusions are so often negative. Tbh I get really nervous about going to the hairdressers, it's so much easier if I do it myself. I tell myself stuff like I studied hairdressing, I know what I'm doing and the dip dye they did for me wasn't nearly as good as the one I did for myself which is all true (sorry if that's boasting) but the main reason why I don't want to go is because of all the stress. Just sitting there, mirrors all over the place, trying to understand what's being said when there are clippers and hairdryers masking the sound, not knowing if I should tell them they're really hurting me...it's the kind of thing people suggest when you're depressed, 'treat yourself to a nice haircut' but it's not a treat, it's another ordeal. I always get really upset when people assume I have friends. Or when I go to a show and ask for a ticket and they say "Well we've got 2 really nice seats in the front row here..." and I have to explain I'm here on my own. But it seems especially hurtful somehow coming from a mental health professional. I might say I'm worried about going somewhere, they say "take a friend with you". The first question my ex-social worker asked me was "How many people are you still in touch with from school?" None. I had maybe 4 phone numbers and no facebook friends so I lost touch with almost everyone the day I left school, I don't even have my sister's number. Are friendless depressed people really that unusual? I suppose therapists have to make some assumptions because it's impossible not to and they probably can't help triggering us sometimes because we all have our individual triggers, I don't like the word 'empathy' because it reminds me of a terrifying situation I was in but I imagine my therapist will use the word at some point and at the very least it's going to make me flinch visibly. That's not my therapist's fault, that's just a random word that happens to upset me and he won't know unless I tell him. But loneliness can be such a big part of mh problems and loneliness is usually connected either to having no friends or having no friends you can talk to. So you'd think therapists would think twice before saying "phone a friend". (Off topic but when I was about 10 I really wanted to be on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire but I didn't have anyone to be my 'phone a friend' or to sit in the audience and watch me so I thought only people with friends could be millionaires.) Sorry Addy I've rambled on loads and lots of it is about me or the shortcomings of professionals but I really hope this has helped you in some way xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notcoping Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 Hi addy Sorry you had such a bad day and that your anxiety is so high (((((((((addy))))))))). I understand about the hairdressers being stressful - I hate going for so many reasons and it is never relaxing or nice - just horrible and something I try and get through to be honest, and I am sure that is not the way it is meant to be :-( I don't have a lot of words today as I am tired as I didn't sleep well and I too am very anxious and struggling to be honest. Wanted to say though that I will be thinking of you and hoping that your weekend is manageable and that you are able to stay safe. I also hope that next weeks therapy sessions will go as well as possible and that you will get something out of them and find them worthwhile, even though challenging. Do some nice things for yourself this weekend if possible and I look forward to hearing how your weekend and week is going (either way) when you are ready and able to share. Sending lots of hugs your way. nc xXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 Thankyou emma for your reply, I have no friends either, people make me tired, I can pass myself ok like say hello how r are and all that but that's it, sometimes my mind goes blank and I can't think of anything to say I feel stupid then so its easier not to have friends and most of the time I am desperately alone and that's hard too. Hi notcoping its good to hear from you, sorry you are feeling so tired. What time do you start on Monday? Its been a bad weekend so far, saw my father yesterday who ignored me as he does but the least said about him the better he's too triggering, then today my partner decides to complain about my mood being low and that it runs of on him, I said yeah like I am this way just to annoy you, so he continues he wants an argument then he says have you no fight in you, I said no not for you, I don't even care what he thinks I don't have the energy for him. I spend all my time trying to do things for him and my kids but apparently just pretending to be happy and just existing isn't good enough for him, well its not good enough for me either but he doesn't care until it directly affects him. Sorry for rambling he made me so angry and I feel guilty enough about being a burden and crap person without him adding to it, trying so hard to not react and do something I shouldn't. Sorry for rambling hugs to you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notcoping Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi addy I am sorry you have had a really bad weekend :-( It sounds like you have been triggered in lots of different ways and I am sorry that this has obviously added to your pain and made you feel worse (((((((((addy))))))))) I can understand that 'guilty' feeling - I feel it constantly too and it is horrible. I know you are trying your very best, and it is understandable that you are feeling so low and now not too safe :-( I am sure your husband realises this too, but maybe he was having a bad day too and it just got taken out on you. I know it is hard for others to understand and live with us too - but incredibly hard for us to put on the 'o.k./happy' act all of the time and not healthy or helpful to do that too much anyway xxx Thanks for asking after me.........still really struggling if I am to be honest - have to get up early tomorrow in order to catch the 8am train! The groups don't start until 10am but it is a long way and the trains don't run that frequently. We then finish the day at 4pm and I hope to be able to catch the 4.20pm ish train - don't know if that will be possible though. Am going to find it so hard just getting up and being busy for 3 days a week - and that is before even being within the community all day! Sorry. Anyway.........please try to look after yourself addy.........I know it is not easy by any means and of course I won't think any less of you if this is not an option. I hope maybe you will be able to take a small step and delay any self harm by using your crisis plan - again I know that is easier said than done. I will be thinking of you and sending you love and hugs. nc xXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi notcoping that's such an early start, how are you on public transport? Do you know yet what you will be doing in the place, is it therapy, sorry for all the questions. Yeah been triggered quite bad and was awake most of the night, I tried to get out today and go for a walk but I have no energy at all and I'm so grumpy and wound up. I am to call my therapist in the morning if I need too I shouldn't have to need too but I hate this feeling. I travel to dbt on a tuesday and because its so far I get the bus at 12.30, dbt starts at 2 until 4.30 then I have to wait to get a bus at 5.45 home, its such a long day, everyone else in the group is from there, its funny in a way because I'm the one who has anxiety travelling and I have to go the furtherest. I will be thinking of you tomorrow notcoping I hope it goes ok for you, please let me know how you got on, hugs to you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notcoping Posted January 14, 2014 Report Share Posted January 14, 2014 Hi addy Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear you are struggling since being triggered - you had enough to deal with already :-( *huge hugs*. I know it is your dbt group today and I am thinking of you. I am not surprised it is a long and challenging day, travelling in itself is tiring and stressful. Did you phone your therapist yesterday? I hope if you did it went as well as possible and that maybe you were able to get some support xxx I know it is really hard to ask for help when we most need it, but I guess it would be a step in the right direction, even if it only delays a self harm episode. Realise so difficult to do though........ Thanks for asking after me.........I survived my first day but it was incredibly stressful, long and tiring! We had 2 large community groups (where more structure and business stuff is discussed), a smaller therapy group and a writing group. It was hard to be honest and I felt so exhausted when I got home and had a really bad headache. I am not too bad on the train and I think in future I will have a couple of people to travel with who also get the train. Not sure if that is good or bad though?! Anyway addy.........thanks for you caring and kind thoughts. I will continue to think of you today and also hope that your individual session goes as well as possible this week. Take care of you as best as possible and I will reply to any messages here on Thursday probably xXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2014 Hi notcoping, it went ok yesterday very tiring and stressful its like too much information was given to me. Today in my one to one he went back to mindfulness i am to practise every day i said i will try, i told him about the self harming but waited until the end so he couldnt say much he just asked me why and asked could i not turn it around and be nice to me instead of hurting me. I hope you had a good day today, it might be good to travel with people sometimes although sometimes its good to be alone and have some time to think. It hasnt been a good day really i just want to get into bed and stay there. Take care notcoping xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notcoping Posted January 16, 2014 Report Share Posted January 16, 2014 Hi addy Hope you got a rest in bed - sometimes it can feel so safe and comforting to hide under the duvet and not face the world (((((((((hugs))))))))) I am sorry you had a tiring group and a quite full on one to one but am really proud of you for telling him about your self harming - I know it is not easy to do that xxx I am really sorry but I don't have many words today. I am still here for you though and do care and like hearing how things are going for you. Sorry I can't say much today - really struggling. Take care addy and keep posting and trying in the way that you are. Even one tiny step forward e.g. sharing with your therapist about self harm is a great achievement and something to be proud of xXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2014 Hi notcoping, thankyou for talking to me even though your struggling too, it shows what a lovely caring person you are. As you know today was horrible and the real effect of it hasn't sunk in yet. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Hugs to you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notcoping Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Hi addy Just came online and still looking through the different posts.........will look at your other threads too in a minute.........thanks for what your said - I have been and will continue to think of you and hope that somehow you are surviving at the moment. I know things are incredibly difficult right now :-( Message me anytime - I am here and care about you xXx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Hi notcoping, thankyou so much for all your help and support. I seem to have blocked all down now and I just want to sleep and hide in bed, the panic attacks have got worse which tells me I'm blocking it and it comes out in other ways but for now I need to hide. I have dbt group today I don't even want to go and one to one tomorrow. How is your week going? I hope its easier than last week. Hugs to you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.