Borderline Personality Disorder?? Trying to understand....

[Neeko]

Hi there
I'm wondering if someone can help me. I'm just looking for someone to talk about this as I haven't spoken to the doctor regarding this specific issue. But I think I may be suffering from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)....I only heard of this mental illness in the last year after doing some research of some things I struggle with and I keep coming back to this certain disorder. I struggle with my identity alot and have been accused by friends in the past of coping them alot (just had an arugment with my boyfriend about me mimicking his personality since we met-7years now). From words he and my friends say, dress sense. speech patterns etc. I have a horrible fear of abandonment due to my mother leaving me when I was 2. I have had a couple relationships (all men) that have failed but when it does I struggle to accept the relationship is over and "hang" around being their friend. Whoring myself out in ways to get their attention. My partner has wanted to break up with me for a while now but I ignore his feelings and tell him I will change and do better. He is still waiting for me to do so. I can't accept criticism well and get offended and annoyed very easily. I don't talk about my feelings, and instead try to engage in sex with my partner (mainly unsafe sex). I have said before to my partner that when I'm angry I wish I had a bat that I could just "smash up everything in sight". I have also told my partner "are you even real" because to me is the greatest person in the world and I keep fearing he is made up (he isn't obviously but I just feel its quite a strange thing to say to someone and worth mentioning). I cry uncontrollably at the slightest thing that upsets me. When I would go out with friends I would indulge in dangerous behaviour and not really think of the consequences (go back to random men's houses, lure men doing sexual acts with my female friend (kissing, groping or sexual dancing), drinking alot to the point of being sick, inviting random men back to my own home). I used to drink alot but since 2020 I stopped drinking altogether. I have binged eaten since teenage but my partner and I are trying to lose weight and have stopped that now. However I'm now addicted to window shopping/scrolling/browsing the internet for hours. I feel suicidal if something goes wrong and have harmed myself in the past. I spoke to the doctor in the past about "depression" and "anxiety" and now being screened for "autism". However I keep thinking of the back of my mind it could be BPD instead or also. Like I said it has only been in the last year and only because my partner brought up stuff that I do that affects us as a couple (i.e. coping others etc).  My ex boyfriend was speaking to a girl one time (when we weren't in a relationship) and I flipped out and tried to go for him, I had to be held back by a friend at the time. Next day I was hanging out with him as if nothing happened. I worry alot and sometimes I get scared of myself. I want to change and be a better person and be my OWN person and not having to mimic others. But I'm not sure how to cope with this. If it is BPD I don't know how to get help. I don't want to passed of with drugs. I just want the help so I can be my true self and have my own personality. When I was watching the Johnny Depp trial with Amber Heard and it turned out she also has BPD, I was scared because I treat my partner the same way. Not hurting him physically but emotionally and mentally, and I'm frightened...I don't want to be like that. I want help is all I want. Or even just reassurance if this is something I'm dealing with. This was really hard to write as I haven't said anything of this kind of stuff to anyone.  Also I'm 30 and female (assigned at birth), if this helps in any way. 

Thank you in advance

Kind Regards 

N 

[Foolish Mctavis]

On 8/2/2023 at 11:57 AM, Neeko said:

Hi there
I'm wondering if someone can help me. I'm just looking for someone to talk about this as I haven't spoken to the doctor regarding this specific issue. But I think I may be suffering from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)....I only heard of this mental illness in the last year after doing some research of some things I struggle with and I keep coming back to this certain disorder. I struggle with my identity alot and have been accused by friends in the past of coping them alot (just had an arugment with my boyfriend about me mimicking his personality since we met-7years now). From words he and my friends say, dress sense. speech patterns etc. I have a horrible fear of abandonment due to my mother leaving me when I was 2. I have had a couple relationships (all men) that have failed but when it does I struggle to accept the relationship is over and "hang" around being their friend. Whoring myself out in ways to get their attention. My partner has wanted to break up with me for a while now but I ignore his feelings and tell him I will change and do better. He is still waiting for me to do so. I can't accept criticism well and get offended and annoyed very easily. I don't talk about my feelings, and instead try to engage in sex with my partner (mainly unsafe sex). I have said before to my partner that when I'm angry I wish I had a bat that I could just "smash up everything in sight". I have also told my partner "are you even real" because to me is the greatest person in the world and I keep fearing he is made up (he isn't obviously but I just feel its quite a strange thing to say to someone and worth mentioning). I cry uncontrollably at the slightest thing that upsets me. When I would go out with friends I would indulge in dangerous behaviour and not really think of the consequences (go back to random men's houses, lure men doing sexual acts with my female friend (kissing, groping or sexual dancing), drinking alot to the point of being sick, inviting random men back to my own home). I used to drink alot but since 2020 I stopped drinking altogether. I have binged eaten since teenage but my partner and I are trying to lose weight and have stopped that now. However I'm now addicted to window shopping/scrolling/browsing the internet for hours. I feel suicidal if something goes wrong and have harmed myself in the past. I spoke to the doctor in the past about "depression" and "anxiety" and now being screened for "autism". However I keep thinking of the back of my mind it could be BPD instead or also. Like I said it has only been in the last year and only because my partner brought up stuff that I do that affects us as a couple (i.e. coping others etc).  My ex boyfriend was speaking to a girl one time (when we weren't in a relationship) and I flipped out and tried to go for him, I had to be held back by a friend at the time. Next day I was hanging out with him as if nothing happened. I worry alot and sometimes I get scared of myself. I want to change and be a better person and be my OWN person and not having to mimic others. But I'm not sure how to cope with this. If it is BPD I don't know how to get help. I don't want to passed of with drugs. I just want the help so I can be my true self and have my own personality. When I was watching the Johnny Depp trial with Amber Heard and it turned out she also has BPD, I was scared because I treat my partner the same way. Not hurting him physically but emotionally and mentally, and I'm frightened...I don't want to be like that. I want help is all I want. Or even just reassurance if this is something I'm dealing with. This was really hard to write as I haven't said anything of this kind of stuff to anyone.  Also I'm 30 and female (assigned at birth), if this helps in any way. 

Thank you in advance

Kind Regards 

N 

Hey, I’ve just come across this and felt compelled to reach you. It certainly seems like you have traits of BPD especially the lack of impulse control, be very careful of approaching mental health services for help because there is no help at all, except for some god awful meds. If you fear abandonment, rejection and being gaslit, stay away because they do all of that stuff. They want to be seen to be reducing numbers and what better way to that than claiming that most of your patients don’t, in fact, have mental illness but ‘personality disorders’, and are, therefore not their concern. I say ‘personality disorders’ in inverted commas because, since the addition to the nice guidelines regarding BPD, it is now recommended that BPD is subsumed into all the other personality disorders, antisocial and narcissistic and are, therefore, treated with the same stigma and expectations. BPD is a terribly painful condition and I’m sorry you’re going through, but I fear an actual diagnosis might hurt you in the long run. The charity sector provide some excellent services, without the long waits of the MHS, maybe reach out to them? I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. Take care x

[Neeko]

Hey

Thank you so much for reaching out to me, it is very much appreciated. Sorry about the late reply too  .

I have approached my GP before in regarding my mental health, I spoke to him back in 2018 and mentioned how I felt and he instantly offered me anti-depressants without hesitation, so unfortunately had this experience. Even when I told him the meds weren't helping, he just put me on a higher dose! 

Unfortunately I already feel abandonment, rejection and gas lit by the GP when it comes to other conditions I have, so if I were to approach them about BPD, it is incredibly sad to say but I would be used to it. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16 and doctors just pass me off with The Pill whenever I bring it up to them. So yeah more meds! 

I was considering referring myself to speak to a Counsellor and maybe discuss things (like I have mentioned above) and get help that way? 

But I will check out the charity sector you mentioned and see what help I get from them. 

Thank you very much again for reaching out to me. It is very appreciated  

Have a lovely day and take care too  

Thanks

Kind Regards 

N