Moaning Myrtle Posted September 2, 2004 Report Share Posted September 2, 2004 Um... Hello... I hope I'm doing this right... I'm 19, I live in Belfast, Northern Ireland, and I have just been diagnosed with BPD so I still don't know much about it... I know that some people don't want to admit to having it but I don't understand why - Are we considered the scum of the universe or something? I would never have considered myself "manipulative," I think I'm actually just a very sensitive and loving person, willing to open her heart up to anyone. I don't get society at all, I mean I just don't understand people - to the extent that it feels like I'm trapped on a different planet! I don't understand how people can be so hurtful, and then when I want to strike back I'M considered the bitch for wanting to get revenge! I'm going to be very open here ~ When I was little, my mum was in a really bad mood and I did somnething silly like spill a drink or something. She told me that she didn't love me anymore. Bearing in mind that I had no friends, no brothers and sisters, and my dad was probably off at the pub getting plastered, this made me feel completely worthless, like I was a terrible person who didn't deserve to live. I started banging the door and screaming that I wanted her to love me again, but she ignored me. So I thought if I punished myself, this would put everything right and my mum would love me again! So I tried to knock myself out by banging my head against the wall, then I decided to suffocate myself with a pillow, which worked quite well and then my body went into a sort of spasm and I was all numb. Shortly afterwards she let me out of my bedroom and sat me on her knee and hugged me (i.e. she loved me again!). From then on I learned that if I punished myself, nobody else would have to and things would be alot easier. So naturally, today when my boyfriend got angry at me and I didn't understand why, I just wanted to put things right again as soon as possible, so I beat myself with a belt. But this just made him furious at me and now he'll hardly talk to me and I don't understand why!!! Surely if he realises how much I hate myself then there's no reason for him to hate me too!? Am I the only one that has felt this confused before? Am I talking double-dutch or is anyone out there as messed in the head as me? Quite frankly I don't even think it is me that has the problem, the majority of people in the world are just heartless, all I ever wanted was to give and receive love, yet everyone treats me like an annoying wart that wont go away! I'm so confused and alone!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
em Posted September 2, 2004 Report Share Posted September 2, 2004 Hi Myrtle, WELCOME TO THE SITE :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted September 2, 2004 Report Share Posted September 2, 2004 Welcome! If you read back through the post you will find all kinds of people with all kinds of problems, some will be similar to what you are feeling. As you get comfortable and post you will find lots of support from the many fine people here. welcome again, bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tory Posted September 2, 2004 Report Share Posted September 2, 2004 Welcome! Hope u like it here and find out all bout BPD! Tory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer Posted September 3, 2004 Report Share Posted September 3, 2004 Welcome Myrtle, Glad you found us.......Don't be confused and alone....we are here for ya....Hope to chat with you soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moaning Myrtle Posted September 4, 2004 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2004 Aw, thank you everyone for making me feel welcome! I feel a bit silly for being so forward in my first post, I'm alot calmer today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starrbarr40 Posted September 5, 2004 Report Share Posted September 5, 2004 Hey myrtlle!! Welcome to the site!! It's allways okay to be as open as you want to be. We all have days...well I know I do lol where we need to rant and rave, cry,or shout out with excitment. Any and all emotions are welcome here. I hope you find this site helpful and informative. Can't wait to get to know you better. Take care.... Jesscia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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