draga17 Posted September 7, 2004 Report Share Posted September 7, 2004 Hey, This is really strange...I'm still finding out a lot of information about BPD. It's especially weird because I'm a 24 year old male, and the information that I've come across states that women are 3 times more likely to suffer from borderline disorder than men do...seems like all the posts that i've come across are from females...a little bit isolatiing, but not a big problem, I have lots of friends that are girls...enuf ramble, point being is that I'd been taking effexor and risperadol for about 4 years now to deal with depression and generalized anxiety disorder....had a doctor tell me about 3 years ago when things were at their worst that it looked like I was suffering from borderline personality disorder...it kinda went in one ear and out the other, I didn't really check into what it was. Just kinda chalked everything up to depression and anxiety...thats that...medication was working ok and although my life was constant drama and crisis, I didnt really think about it much...I was doing so well in the past couple years (graduated university with distinction) that I thought I'd go off the meds and see how I'd do(this was june)....felt ok for a period of time although I had some things happen that started me feeling that familar worthlessness again....early august I went on a trip to Vancouver, Canada with my dad, and stuff started to get really fucked in my head...I mean really frightening...really engaging fantasies of suicide...totally absorbing....I'd had really rough times in the past, but no thoughts like this...I'd had thoughts of suicide, but nothing as pervasive and frightening as this....couldn't sleep...got home from vancouver six days later. (this was august 11)...I live by myself and just plummeted into numbness and darkness...it was decided in my head...I live in Calgary and was supposed to go to lethbridge 2 hours away (my parents live there) for a doctors appointment to deal with my depression....I ditched, I got it in my head that I didn't want to live anymore, it was completely impulsive and made perfect sense at that point...was extremely fucked inside my head...that afternoon I rented a room at a motel, brought with me razor blades and 26 of rye, and my meds....was not an attempt at suicide, I was really trying to die, didn't want to live anymore, I couldnt see a happy future, only fucking pain...I slashed the hell out of my wrists...like I mean extremely disturbing shit, but I was totally numb to it....I bled everywhere, the bathroom was covered in blood...It was sooo horrible and I get flashes of it...I got drunk and fell asleep in the motel bed, expecting to never wake up...this was about 4pm....I woke up at 6am to my horror totally mutilated and still alive....I panicked, totally and utterly, I kept thinking the cleaning staff was going to find the bathroom covered in blood...I just had to get out of there. My clothes were covered in blood, but it was 6am, so no one was around...I sneaked out of the motel and drove away in my car....I headed out on the highway, didnt know what to do, kept looking at my wrists and thinking that I couldnt live now especially with the stigma of the mutilation...impulsively again and completely numbly, I unbuckled my seat belt and smashed my car into a concrete meridian....the next thing I know I wake up in intensive care after being airlifted to foothills hospital in Calgary....my brother is sitting there and says to me: "you are not very happy to be here are you?" I couldn't talk, had an intebation tube down my throat... I must have been hooked up to 6 different machines...I had 2 cracked vertabrae, 2 punctured lungs, 3 broken ribs, and major lacerations all along my left side which they had to pick the gravel out of because I was launched out of the car....they were very concerned at first that I had brain damage from the accident, but after tests they discovered that I had no brain damage....I found out a few days later that the car had hit the concrete meridian, bounced, hit another car, then hit a semi-trailer carrying diesel fuel...my car was absolutely decimated...I mean totally and completly, the engine was launched from the car, my dad told me later that my shoes that I was wearing at the time were covered in battery acid, and he took them away from the accident scene and put them in a plastic bag to keep them, but they started disintergrating, so he threw them out....fuck...so I am in the hospital under 24 hour watch by security, I can't go to the fucking washroom without security....I mean everything is soooo fucked up....but so many of my friends came and saw me while I was in there...one of my friends drove 5 hours to see me...I've moved home now where I'm healing from all of these injuries....which takes me to now....I've been looking at tons of resources tonight on borderline personality disorder, and it seems to fit much of my experience, thoughts and feelings to a t....it scares the hell out of my mom (on top of all the shit that she has gone through with this horrible experience) she keeps telling me not to label myself....I keep telling her that that is what a doctor told me years ago and I didn't look into it.....I mean I don't know why I've told this terrible tale, I just need some sort of consolation...my life is totally and completely fucked right now...I'm healing physically, and I dont feel suicidal (after surviving miraculously my own scourge) but I don't know what to do about everything....I mean I am shaking my head (and so is everyone else) as to how and why this happened....its just so messed up....if you met me right now, I would probably seem totally normal to you, socially, I'm adept, I'm intelligent, been told that I'm good looking...but there is this wicked impulsiveness that makes me do the most fucked things ever....I can't live like this anymore...I need help. 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Tory Posted September 7, 2004 Report Share Posted September 7, 2004 *hugs* I dont really know what to say, but i know bpd is really really scarey. Impulsiveness is awful and suicidal thoughts and attepmts are terrifing to the person and those round them. There are loads of people here who will understand maybe not totally ur situation but generally. There are few men about with BPD. U prolly know Josh already. Well done for doing so well at uni! I am still trying to get into uni but bpd gets in way. It sounds like u were really lucky to survive and not have too serious injuries. Have u gone back on meds now and getting treatment? Take care Tory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted September 7, 2004 Report Share Posted September 7, 2004 Boy, you must have 9 lives! Am I glad you found this site! Read and post and stay in touch. Man, I'll be thinking of you today! Verbena Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
draga17 Posted September 7, 2004 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2004 Thanks for the support, I'm at home now with my parents and I've started on counselling last week...my counsellor looks really good...and have started on new meds but am still waiting for them to kick in...I have a GP doctors appointment at 10 pm and just finished printing out a bunch of the symptons of BPD that I can relate to....curious to see what the doctor says, cause like I stated in my story, was told by a doctor three years ago that it looked like BPD, then it wasnt followed up...I just need to know what the hell is going on...man...as bad as I feel about my life right now for myself, I feel almost twice as bad for the people around me....this is horrible...the only thing that is keeping me somewhat positive right now is just realizing how the situation that I brought upon myself could have been sooo much worse...I mean brain damage, paralysis, I could have killed someone when my car bounced off the meridian....but there is the major guilt that I brought this on myself, so many swings in mood that are an everyday occurance....but like I said before, most people would never know that I deal with this, except for my really close family....glad I found this site, really need all the help I can get right now to get my life on track....thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted September 7, 2004 Report Share Posted September 7, 2004 Boy, that's really good to hear. I'll be watching for you in the other forums! Verbena Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wabbit Posted September 7, 2004 Report Share Posted September 7, 2004 Your story made me cry. You are lucky in the worlds eyes to be alive. My husband drives those semi trucks they are awesome machines. All those things that you mention, DIDNT happen. You didnt kill anyone else, you didnt kill yourself, and for some unknown reason you are still here. No one knows why. Maybe there isnt even a reason. But ya gotta go with the flow. I keep wanting to write be grateful, but I am not sure you are there, or whether you will ever be there. And thats fine. I think you have found a good place. People are supportive here, the majority of the time. Post often. You will find answers here I hope. I hope you heal fast. Take care. (((((((((((((((((((HUGE GENTLE HUGS))))))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted September 7, 2004 Report Share Posted September 7, 2004 Ive started typing three times then deleted, i dont really know what to say, im not good with words at the moment but i wanted you to know that i have read. This is a brilliant place, the people are amazingly supportive, even when they are struggling themselves. I hope you find what you are looking for. flippy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starrbarr40 Posted September 7, 2004 Report Share Posted September 7, 2004 I was also diagnosed with bpd and let it go in one ear and out the other....until things started to get really bad did I do some reshearch!! You are on your way ...just to acknoledge that bpd may be what is really going on is a step in the right direction. good luck and take care....i think you will find this site very informative and helpful. Jessica Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckygurl Posted September 8, 2004 Report Share Posted September 8, 2004 Hey there....i can really relate to a lot of what youre saying...and its good to hear from a male on this site!! actually its good to hear from anybody...I thought I finally found a bpd sight where i could talk to and identify with other borderlines, but not many people really "talk" here..ya know?? anyways though..the craziest thing about borderline is that you can be doin ok....(as much as possible at least!! You know what i mean though....surviving) and then out of the blue...WHAM!!..you're on the bathroom floor sobbing uncontrollably slicing yourself to no end...ANYTHING to numb the blinding pain within...I cut myself for the first time ini over a year last week and now ive done it like 4 times since then..i cant seem to get a grip......its kills me how innocent, good people die everyday who DONT WANT TO, but when we try and try we CANT!! makes sense right???!! Thank god though.....you were meant to be here as was everyone on this site....life may be alot harder for people like us, but at least its more rewarding also...we can TRULY appreciate happiness in the rare moments it pops up!!!!! Im sorry you are going through so much...borderline is a tough thing..real tough..its REALLY important to remember that borderline DOES NOT control you.....it seems to get worse the more obsess about it....at least that's my personal experience!! email me if you want to talk more..... .....good luck sweetie!!! Audrey.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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