Why Isn't This Working?

[Swan]

but I don't know if it's true.

i've stopped being suicidal, and I recognise the warning signs of a bad low in time to get help before it happens.

But I'm stuck on a sort of plateau where I just seem to be floating and nothing matters. I spend all day, practically every day in bed with my cat and a book even though I'm meant to be working.

My doctor and therapist both want me to get some routine in my life, but I can't seem to get past the front door, even on days when I manage to get up and have a bath. I've put on weight so none of my clothes fit and everything I try to achieve just ends up having so many obstacles that I just give up. I even missed a therapy appointment yesterday because I couldn't face the journey into town.

Is this familiar to anyone, and what have you done about it - I'm so embarrassed I don't want to tell anyone (in fact I'm doing my best to avoid speaking to anybody at all) but it cannot go on like this.

Please help, anyone who has any ideas

[Lauren]

Have I?

Yup,

Its how my life plays out most of the time.

May be an increase in Depression.Had a med check lately?.Other wise its back to forcing yourself to do one small thing at a time then reward when you have done it.

Try and be kimd to you.I know thats easier said then done.But a self bashing is proberly the last thing you need.

Also you where really rather ill for a while.Just like a serious physical illness give your self time to recuperate.

xx

[rio84]

Oh my God swan I cant believe that its me now offering you advice. I think after how nice you were the other day I better try.

I have the same problems as you everyday. Everything seems like a battle and I always seem to lose.

Just keep remembering that you can do it. You are a very nice person and if you try hard I bet you could do anything you ever wanted.

(((((((((Swan)))))))))

[Bluegrass]

Hi Swan

This is very familiar to me and I'm still working on how to improve things, or rather thinking of how to improve things - like you I can lack motivation to even go outside my front door. I've been told exactly the same to have some sort of routine, but for me my routine has been much the same for quite a few years and mainly indoors cause of anxiety and the fact I can not go to work.

Well done for looking after yourself in other ways though, like having a bath, for me at one time that was a major acheivement.

Be gentle on you and go at your pace and not what you feel is expected of you, take it a step at a time and then treat yourself - every thing acclomplished is deserving of a pat on the back. You've done so well to get this far and to recognise when you are getting low - all you need is time, time to recover and get back to a more active self - it will happen hun, one step, a day at a time - maybe write down what you would like to do, or a nice place you would like to go, perhaps for a coffee and take a friend for mutual support.

[Betsy]

swan,

the journey you are on is not a straight one. it twists and turns and goes back on itself many times. just keep trying to use the tools you have and litterally make yourself do some things.

you know this crap didnt happen to you over one or two years so why do we think we can get over it quickly?

*hugs* and you will return!

bets

[realscape]

Hi Swan

I know exactly how you feel, its the same for me. I don't feel suicidal at the moment and I thought things were OK, I managed to start doing a few things. Today, I slipped back into that wierd zone of floaty numbness and inertia. I get my duvet, plonk in front of the TV and stay there - I don't get dressed, have a bath, make food or anything, just feed the cat. It can last for up to 4 days at a time. I never answer my phone, actively avoid people. Every time I think I'm getting better, doing stuff, it happens again. Being kind to yourself, letting go of expectations, deadlines or any pressure seems to ease it up. For me, I have to view every small action as an achievement.

I described it to a CBT psychologist and she said its like a trip switch in your head that stops you from having painful feelings. I think she was trying to describe either dissociation or depersonalisation. Unfortunately, I have never got to explore this any further with a therapist because she left and I haven't had one since, just endless assessments and referrals. I'm waiting to go in a group but I don't think that will solve it. I found stopping antiDs helped.

I remember being like this since I was at least 10 years old. I used to lie in bed and totally disengage from life. Its a bad habit because it gets more easy to slip into and it actually makes the situation worse not better, like an addiction, but you can't pull yourself out of it when you're in it. Today, I had an episode which was triggered by feelings from watching "Secret Smile" drama on TV last night. It reminded me of two seriously abusive relationships I was in and after I started having those feelings, I became totally immobilised. That is the first time I have been able to make a link and understand that something has triggered it. Normally I have no idea. Do you have any idea of what sort of things make you get like that?

Its so hard to explain. I don't know what it is, but please don't feel alone, because I have the same problem.

xxx Real

[Swan]

Real I also watched that programme, or at least the first one, and found it profoundly disturbing. I also had a totally unexpected anxiety attack on Monday night when a phrase in a book took me straight back to my marriage.

I think I am still suffering badly from having my trust abused and every knockback seems to just throw me - it is almost as though I'm weightless, in a gravity free zone and cannot resist any setback. I cannot seem to engage in any sort of committment - too risky.

But somehow knowing what is causing it, and persevering at overcoming are two different things.

Rio, it's good to see you - thanks :)

[Bluegrass]

Real you explained it so much better than I did - much of my experience has been the same so Swan, thankyou, this thread has helped me too - :wub:

[Swan]

I'm scared

[Bluegrass]

Sorry you're scared Swan -

sending some safe gentle hugs - hope OK (((( Swan ))))

[realscape]

Swan I hope it passes soon. I know how you feel. Its like an underlying feeling of fear and uneasiness. I don't know what the long term answer is either. Short-term distractions just don't solve it. I always come back to this same space. At least we can log on this site and discuss it if nothing else. I can't believe watching a tv show has spun me out for 2 days. Just makes me realise how there are so many other, unknown, things which trigger feelings and which I don't even know about. I guess thats the same for most of us.

[empathic connection]

OH SWAN !Hugs !

I am so sorry you feel this way ! I too understand how hard it is sometimes to not give in to the despair !

I have to get up in the morning and fight off the wanting to just lay in bed all day ! "THIS TO SHALL PASS !

I wish I had more to offer , to be honest I am battling this aweful feeling of despair myself right now, i think it might be paranoia . I cant shake the feeling something bad is going to happen !

Thinking of you Swan !

~EC~

p.s. just something a little funny ... I watch this tv show called MAD TV , hilarious show, they do skits usually making fun of current events especially politics and such ! There is a character called Ms. Swan ! Anyway , when I see you on here I think of her and it always puts a smile on my face !

[realscape]

Swan,

I hope you're feeling a bit brighter?

I just remembered something that might be of interest. It comes from transactional analysis (I'm OK, you're OK) about how we've all got internalised parent, adult and child scripts. I don't know if you know about it?

Anyhow, don't quote me, but there's something about returning to the child state where you literally can't pull yourself out of it because your parent scripts and rational adult is 'switched off'. One suggestion in the book is to try to get your adult brain back by looking around the room naming all the items, where you bought them and how much they cost. It sort of gets you back out of the womb.

Maybe I'm full of crap but I'm wondering if this is a technique for regaining some kind of energy when we can't pull ourselves off the sofa? I'm going to start trying it on my down days.

[Swan]

I've realised what it is - Avoiding angry feelings at Sheena (my biological mother) bigtime now that she's arrived in the UK and I'm spending Christmas with her and all my half-siblings. I'm really worried about whether I'm going to be able to get over my anger with her - especially since I hardly even know what it is or how much of it there is.

Bit scared, but not as much as I was.

[JTBadBug]

Hi Swan, (((hugs)))

I haven't got anything useful to add. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and I hope a little of the anger is washed away when you and your half-siblings settle down to enjoy the festive season.

It won't happen, but should you have any problems and you want to chat or need some help you know where to find me.

Take care,

Jane

[realscape]

Swan

I hope you can cope with this xmas. Burying feelings is def what triggers it. Sometimes feelings are so deeply buried that you genuinely don't know what it is that triggered them or what the feelings even are. It is great that you recognise what is happening because that is one step along the way to solving the problem. I really feel for you in this situation, I hope you have some support.

[Swan]

Had to be away for a little while, Christmas was quite good in the end, although complex.

I'm messing about tonight though - really tired and stressed so I'm not being sensible about going to bed or eating properly.

That's a kind of lame excuse for not writing a long post, but now I've just started a nose bleed (again) so I'd better go to bed. But it's good to see you guys again and I'll check in again soon :)

[realscape]

Nice to hear you survived xmas Swan! I'm on a massive downer at the moment, house is in dreadful state and I'm so lethargic and fatter than ever. Hope you're in a better place?

[ladyluck28]

:wub: Hi Swan: I battle what you are going through everyday. I have a bunch of people that want me to go out into the community to do volunteer work. I have appts and lots of them that I have to go to and there are days when it's hard getting out of bed. I manage though. I have a hard time getting motivated and yes it's depression talking. I am happiest on the days when I don't have to go anywhere.

Talk to your T about what you are experiencing. It may be an increase in depression and maybe your T can suggest some ideas to help you out. I know the feeling though....take care... :wub:

[realscape]

Ladyluck

It sounds to me more like you're in NEED of a volunteer to help you out, not to be a volunteer yourself. I don't understand why the medical profession think we all need to go and bloody volunteer when doubtless we've all got houses that don't get cleaned, jobs that don't get attended to and all manner of other fecking problems. I used to be very highly paid in a skilled job, the thought of digging some old dears garden or suchlike is not going to give me back a sense of worth. I think volunteering should be left to people who have got lots to give and nothing better to do. Just my Opinion. (sorry, a mini-rant came over me)

[ladyluck28]

NO you're right. There are us who have a hard time coping in the real world and it's not like we don't try...we do. It's unfair for people to say that we are lazy when we aren't trying to be.

I would like to help somebody, but I need help here myself on a daily basis. I struggle everyday to cope and there are days when I can't. I feel sorry for anybody who has to live like this.

[JTBadBug]

Had to be away for a little while, Christmas was quite good in the end, although complex.

I'm messing about tonight though - really tired and stressed so I'm not being sensible about going to bed or eating properly.

That's a kind of lame excuse for not writing a long post, but now I've just started a nose bleed (again) so I'd better go to bed. But it's good to see you guys again and I'll check in again soon

SWAN....great to see you back...I have missed you loads.

I have been away skiing and it has given me a nice boost...had a really nice time and I must add....I went paragliding....it was fab, I had no fear at all unlike my usual feeling when I find myself standing at the top of a mogul field.

Anyway, I hope your nose bleed is better and you are a little less stressed...I am back to work tomorrow..not a pleasant thought. Oh well,

Take care,

Jane :bigarmhug[1]: