Babbling About My Illness

[cady4evr]

I need to ramble so bare with me please. i need to get it out. i hate talkin to my friends and loved ones cause they look at me as if i sprouted 2 heads lol about my illness specially my hallucinations. they are crazy but when they are crazy they are also comforting weird huh? lately my "voices" have been somewhat helping me out crazy sounding huh? like 2 weekends ago my family went to the beach i decided to stay home but i went out shopping and all of a sudden "Homer" yes ive personalized it ( my voice) told me something wrong at the house. and i asked it what wrong out loud people round me gave me curious looks but i didnt pay much attention. and he told me the house is burning. and with me being alone for the weekend and my having ocd the one fear is my house burning and i mentally checked what didnt i turn off.. see i actually make a list of what to do seems to cut my time down. and i know i umpluged everything locked everything my secret number is 5x' i have to do everything in the list 5 times. then i asked on fire? and he told me no. burning. i was thinking what the difference???. i HATE fire i hate it i cannot stand it when i cook simple things like i dont know hotdog id have that canister of salt right in my hand all ready to be dumped. i actually u know how the stove burns like the lil wisps of smoke come out and i actually wasted a canister of salt on that but im learning not everything is gonna catch fire ya know . but back to my story.

he told me to get home and i did and when i got home i ran inside the house i smelled something electrical i searched the entire downstairs made sure but the smell got stronger once i got up the stairs and it tuined out the blower the vent in the bathroom even though the switch was turned off. i touched the metall part of it and it was on fire it was hot as hell. i was able to open it and unplug it from it lectrical source then ran outside n threw it in the pool lol i didnt know what else to do. that the most significant even that it has helped me in.

what that about? the illness the halluciantions it helped me... that not the only time he will talk to me like my car for example. my ocd focused on my car i have to make sure the car is in park the emergency brake is on the car is off the curtesy lights go off the headlights turn off and curtesy light again then i get out and have to make sure i lock them and it have to do each 5 times in specific way if i mess up like slip up on words or step on a crack or someone passes by or i accidently slide against the car I HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN. the least amt of time that it has taken me was 22 mins LOL. make a long story short i do not drive unless i absolutely have to. i do not leave the house unless i have to. im afraid to leave the house fearing something will go wrong. anyway i have my parents move my car for me if im parked behind someone and i tell them to lock my car for me and one time they didnt and he woke me up and told me the car is unlocked. and i told him outloud that my folks wouldnt do that to me they would lock it and he told me again that it is not locked and sure enough after a few mins of arguing hahaha arguing with a voice a hallucination lmao omg i went outside and sure enough my car was unlocked. strange how something that should be against you something that is not right by normal standards of society ( no offense meaning) would help you .

but my visuals they are something else of a total different nature. i would see shadows pass by my door as if someone was waling in the hallway knowing damn well there noone else but you in the house. or i would be lying down in bed and a sudeen i will hear like somethin akin to a carnival children laughing men women talking shouting. i cant understand what they are saying just like murmers you know. i will open my eyes and see a huge spider walking up the wall right bove me and i clos emy eyes and open them and it still crawling and shoot out of bed turn on the lights but there is nothing there.

usually these things happen the visuals happen when noone else is around or sleeping but i went to my old highschool and visit a teacher i am fond of and she was teaching a class i stepped into the room and smile at her and nods to her class but then i recieve a cold feeling and i see something out of the corner of my eye and i watch it as if someone was walking along the wall and i was watching this as i saw it leave the room and then all of a sudeen she behind me and ask me what was wrong what did i see. she opened the door and closed it and said there is noone out there and what can i say i see things lol. but i jus smiled and said i know. shes one of the few that i trust completely and i told her what i have all of it. people aquaintances who have heard that i was in the hospital i tell them i have depression and ocd but i dont tell them i have pyschotic depression. you know. it not that im ashamed of it im not it a part of me but i only tell the complete truth to the ones i really really trust. but i have yet to tell her about my recnet diagnosis of BPD

it jus really hard to find somone who you can talk to i mean i can explain this stuff as if im talkin bout the weather it comes naturally to me adn friends look at me weirdly and then i realize what i have said and i shut up and smile at them knowing that they will supoort me and and listen but knowing damn well that they dont know. they dont know what it is what i go thru what u all go thru. i mean i can explain it until im blue in the face and i get looks as if i explained the ufo theory lol wtf u talkin bout cady lmaoooo arrrrgh i guess im good for now thanyou for takin the time to listen to what i had to say and i jus needed to talk and i recentlty found someone who has a brother who has scizophrenia and is on a drug called ABILIFY does anyone here know anything bout this new drug i never heard of it before if so can i get a some responses ?? tytytyty anywa it 5am here time for me to try to get some shuteye and i thankyou again for lsiteting to be babble on n on lol

thanx,

cady4evr