Americanimport Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 Hello everyone, My name is Liz..... I turned 37 on Monday, and for my birthday I was diagnosed with BPD..... wow isn't that a great way to start a new year.... I have battled with depression for 22 years, but the BPD and anxiety are new additions..... I was also discharged from a 3 week hospital stay on Monday.... I am now on a total of 5 different medications from Venlafaxine to Lithium..... I thought I was starting to feel better but seem to be slowly but steadily deteriorating again.... I feel like crap and the medicine is making me shake all the time...... God, is this what my quality of life is going to amount to now? Before being admitted to the hospital last month, I had been struggling with this current depressive episode for 3 months.... and on meds for 2 of those months with no improvement. As a result, I found it extremely difficult to care for my 9 year old daughter so I had my mom come get her and take her back to the States.... once she was gone I fell to pieces.... thought more than once about ending it all but am too big of a coward to do anything about it.... As if this isn't enough, I am also Active Duty in the US Air Force. Due to the serious nature of my situation, a Medical Evaluation Board is being processed which will probably lead to my being unemployed..... I am feeling more and more all the time as if choosing to die would be so much easier than wanting to live.... If anyone could give me perspective I would truly appreciate it, Take care all, Liz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloudyfox Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 Welcome from a fellow newbie. You will find that people here understand how you're feeling and will not judge you for it. It is hard to find perspective when you are struggling with so many emotions. I'm not in a great place myself just now, so I'll just say I'm thinking of you and sending (((hugs))) too. Stay strong and hang in there. We will all be here for you. Cloudy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 Welcome to the site, i am sure you will find a lot of support from our users. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 American, You have my sympathy and support, to be sure. There are so many things going on in your life right now, it's no wonder you are having a hard time. Just come here anytime you need to talk. We in the states want you all to know how much we appreciate you, no matter where you are. I'm glad you found the site. Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Americanimport Posted October 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Welcome from a fellow newbie. You will find that people here understand how you're feeling and will not judge you for it. It is hard to find perspective when you are struggling with so many emotions. I'm not in a great place myself just now, so I'll just say I'm thinking of you and sending (((hugs))) too. Stay strong and hang in there. We will all be here for you. Cloudy <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Americanimport Posted October 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Thanks for the encouragement Cloudy.... although I would never wish my pain on anyone, it is encouraging to know that there are so many others out there who understand how it feels!! I am so glad to have found this site.... It couldn't have come at a better time. You hang in there too and thanks again for the support. Liz Welcome from a fellow newbie. You will find that people here understand how you're feeling and will not judge you for it. It is hard to find perspective when you are struggling with so many emotions. I'm not in a great place myself just now, so I'll just say I'm thinking of you and sending (((hugs))) too. Stay strong and hang in there. We will all be here for you. Cloudy <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Americanimport Posted October 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Ann Thanks to you for your kind words.... I do sometimes feel a bit lost and alone being so far away from the States and going through such a low time in my life.... As much as I have loved serving my country in the US Air Force, I have to say that they really don't have much to offer in terms of therapy and support.... at the end of the day, if I am not fit to fight, I am no longer an asset, but now a liability.... I am finding it very difficult not taking that personally and cannot help but still think that if I were stronger, I wouldn't be in this situation.... Somehow I must find a way to come to terms with this if I am to move on with my life... I am hoping that by sharing here, I will gain some insight as to how others like you and I have coped..... Thanks again Ann and I hope to chat more with you in the future! Liz American, You have my sympathy and support, to be sure. There are so many things going on in your life right now, it's no wonder you are having a hard time. Just come here anytime you need to talk. We in the states want you all to know how much we appreciate you, no matter where you are. I'm glad you found the site. Ann <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Just wanted to say a big welcome and I hope that you get support that you need. I am so sorry to hear things have been so bad and i hope u regain strength to have your daughter living with you again soon stay strong ok. thier is hope Katy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Hi Liz, I'm really glad you found the site, it sounds like you need a lot of support at the moment and i'm sure this will help. It must have been heartbreaking when your daughter went back with your mum. I can't imagine what a difficult decision that must have been. I think you are so brave and so selfless for doing this, you must be missing her incredibly and it must be so painful. Also, to have everything going on a work too, i don't know how you are coping. Going into hospital is never easy and neither is coming out. Have you got enough support, a day centre? or a CPN or therapist or someone? If you think you are on too much medication, is there anyone you can talk to about it? I am here if you want to talk more. If you like, you can pm me. Angela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Ems Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Hi, Welcome to our mad world! I'm a newbie too, diagnosed just over a week ago.... I'm also wondering if I can ever expect a better quality of life, especially with the NHS as my life line. Cloudy fox is right, there are loads of people here who know exactly what you are feeling... I am trying to come to terms with this as a seperate issue...... 'people actually speaking my language, voicing the same kind of mental thoughts that I thought only I had!' This is your safe-haven and we will support you and each other. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacinta Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 Hi American, I read your post on the general board and saw Tory 111, was reading it at the same time and hoped she would post you there. I just wanted to offer you words of encouragement and to let you know that there is help out there. We just have to be incredibly resourceful sometimes (yeah, and it has to be when we least feel like it). Don't you hate that! I feel your grief about your love of your professional and the hurt that you feel about the way you feel betrayed, abandoned and unsupported by the very "organisation" you have put your life's "blood, sweat and tears" into. Allow yourself to grieve for how you have been treated. I imagine it would feel very isolating, giving your "all" to something, and then have it turn on you when they deem you "less than perfect" through an illness that you have no control over. Please keep it at the top of your mind that your illness is no more embarrassing than a broken leg - and please see their lack of support for what it is - their own ignorance. You are going through a life-changing experience at the moment and give yourself credit for that. You need to pour every resource you have into yourself. Don't feel guilty about not feeling that you can be there for your daughter at the moment. You have done your very best to ensure she is safe and happy and that is enough for now. This is time for you and give yourself all the support you can - and try to think of ways to increase your external support system at the moment. We all have times of crisis and give yourself permission to seek comfort and support from your fellow humans. We do care. All I can say is; I know it really hurts, it hurts bad and there can be times when we find that life has no meaning and it is up to us to use our INTELLIGENCE to know that we have had happy, purposeful times in our lives before and we are GUARANTEED to have them again. We just have to hang in there and we will come through it. The sense I get about your situation, is that the military, as much as you loved it, has not been an outlet for your greatest strengths. Through your personal struggle, you would have developed the most amazing degree of compassion and understanding and they are not qualities that are admired in the military. It will take strength to get through this time, but when you do, I think the light be at the end of the tunnel for you, will be brighter than you ever thought possible. I don't want to sound like, I don't know how much it hurts (I do). I really sense this is a transition time for you from which your life will evolve into one that is much in line with your inner nature. Please let me know, what parts I have said you can relate to, and which parts you think are a whole lot of @##$. My thoughts are with you and please remember that we do care. Jacinta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twilight Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 Thanx Jacinta for wording that so well! I can't say anything that hasn't already been said cos I can't think straight today. I want to offer u support but can't find the words. Heres lots of hugs though ((((((((((((Liz)))))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Americanimport Posted October 11, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 Dear Jacinta, Thanks so much for your kind reply. I can honestly say that I can relate to absolutely everything you said. It is actually scary how dead on you really were based on what little I initially wrote!!! Are you a mind reader? lol You are right, I did give everything I had to the Air Force for the last 14 years... I didn't realize until now that it was my sense of self, defined who I was.... now what? Who am I when that is taken away from me? What in the hell do I do? I have spent my life wondering what I will be when I grow up..... I am 37 years old for God's sake!!!! When is that scared little girl inside me going to grow up?!? I've read that often times Borderline symptoms become less severe and in some cases go away when the person reaches their mid 30's to early 40's.... I think my symptoms have only worsened with age.... The reason being because the difference in age between my inner child and my physical body keeps getting greater and greater.... I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone or if it all sounds like a load of crap.... I just don't know any other way to explain it..... I don't want to keep rambling here, I just wanted to thank you for sharing and offering support.... It means a lot to me..... And thanks to you too Twilight!!! Liz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacinta Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 I (again) get the sense, that the military did not allow you to look after that scared little girl inside of you. She was not ALLOWED to be herself, she was not loved for being the gorgeous little thing she is. Of course she is going to hurt and scream out in pain...she wasn't being loved, protected and nurtured. The challenge for you now is to go DEEP INSIDE YOURSELF and ask her what she REALLY NEEDS???? And indulge her!!!! Spoil her rotten, girlfriend!!! She deserves every little bit of love, attention, fun, happiness, play, giggles, tickles, lollipops and icecream you can give her!!! (And hey, you never know - you might even have fun as well!) Remember, she will only grow if you nuture her. Enjoy the process and watch her develop into a beautiful young lady. Love, Jacinta Love, Jacinta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 You said "I have spent my life wondering what I will be when I grow up..... I am 37 years old for God's sake!!!! When is that scared little girl inside me going to grow up?!? I've read that often times Borderline symptoms become less severe and in some cases go away when the person reaches their mid 30's to early 40's.... I think my symptoms have only worsened with age.... The reason being because the difference in age between my inner child and my physical body keeps getting greater and greater.... I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone or if it all sounds like a load of crap.... I just don't know any other way to explain it....." American, I am 47, and I agree - I still feel 7years old. I will die feeling 7 years old, though I will never be treated with the tenderness a 7 year old needs. Verbena Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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