goddess9 Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 Well since the majority of you have been diagnosed with BPD, I'd just like to ask everyone a q. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. How do you feel when you shift moods? Do you feel it, or do you not notice until it passed? And when you're depressed, what does it feel like? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy Posted October 7, 2004 Report Share Posted October 7, 2004 I can always tell when my moods shift. It can happen several times a day or one mood can last up to 3 days. I may not always know when they are starting, except for rage, but I am aware it is going on. I don't know how to answer your depression part. I'm not sure what you mean. I have been struggling with depression forever, it seems. Take care Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 It frustrates the hell out of me, sometimes i can change so quickly from good to bad then back to good etc... i tend to see myself in 4 moods: doing ok depressed in bpd land depressed and in bpd land its the last one that kills me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela Posted October 8, 2004 Report Share Posted October 8, 2004 Hi. It is very difficult to answer because most of the time i am aware of my moods changing, but sometimes i don't know until someone (normally my husband) points it out. I can be extremely upset, feeling like everything is ending and there is no way out to being in a panic to laughing to angry to paranoid to suicidal to confident to completely incompetant to feeling like i can do anything! When i feel like i can do anything, i make lots of plans and call people to tell them i will be coming to see them or that i can come to whatever they've invited me to. Then, a few hours or a day later i can be in tears and can't do anything, so then i have to cancel everything again. It can be so confusing! It means that most of the time i can't say 'yes' when i am invited somewhere, either that or the majority of the time if i do make it out, i end up feeling so disgusting about myself that i have a panic attack and have to leave. When i am depressed i hate everyone and everything. I go outside and resent people laughing. Things look very distorted and i can be very rude to people. I hate myself even more and want to be sick if i catch a glimpse of myself. I feel like i am in hell and notice things more, for example i remember one time i saw the letters 'EVL' on a car registration. I was convinced that someone was telling me i was evil, which just confirmed what i thought. This made me want to hurt myself more. I hope this answers your question, Angela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tory Posted October 9, 2004 Report Share Posted October 9, 2004 Hi, Interesting question! My moods change often and its really annoying. I can usually tell when i have changed mood but there is usually nothing i can do to change it back. I know at times why my moods change, like if i get really tired i get very down and confused or if i dont eat for a long time i get weird thoughts, excessive coffee or dr.pepper make me hyper and manic then very quickly i get very down. (manic hyper bit is great but down is awful) As Angela said sometimes i say yes to things but then when time comes i cant do it i really hate that bit. My mood changes can b several times a day or same mood for bout 2/3 days. Take care Tory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goddess9 Posted October 9, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2004 Thank you so much guys. I'm sorry if it was a confusing question (I have a very bad capacity to explain things) but I just wanted to see everyone's individual answers. I meant, delicate, how you feel when you're down...obviously, having BPD or even traits (as I am convinced of for myself), depressed, a "downswing" in moods. I now can compare your moods to what I feel. Does it feel like the world is crashing down, and you couldn't care less? And how long do your moods last? Do you by chance feel guilty afterwards, like I? Angela, I do that too! I hate laughter when I'm depressed...its the harshest sound in the world at that point. Does anyone else feel that way? Oohhh, I'm rambling. I guess I'm just kind of nervous because I'm settling down with my final therapist and I want to be able to explain to her just exactly how I feel. Can you feel yourself "chemically" change moods? To me, it's like a rush of dread....is that odd? Thank you for reading through this, I know I'm confusing lol. <3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 goddess, yes, my nosedives into the deep holes of depression (further than my "normal" depressed state) feels like everything is ending. Everything, the entire world. A bit hard to explain. And no, I really don't care too much, and yes there is alot of guilt after. I hate others laughing around me when I feel like this because I want to be laughing too and I become very angry. Then I figure they are laughing at me, then my paranoia begins. The mood swings and mood shifts are very uncomfortable because they seem to come out of nowhere and are completely unpredictable. I am unable to make plans because of them. I am on meds now that seem to be helping and I'm starting to feel better. I'm alot more optimistic now, although I have always tried to stay that way despite my inner "hell". Take care Amy :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 I don't even let the people I work with ask the question 'how are you?' each morning, it seems a stupid question to me because it's like, 'what you mean right now? Cos when I woke up I felt shit, then happy then sad...' now we say the name of a song that kind of sums up how we feel. It's also increasing my music knowledge! One of the first skills we were taught in DBT is Observe- just noticing what emotion you're feeling, as well as Describe- which is obviously putting words on. As for the depression, I find this the worst to deal with- I feel so down it's unbelievable. Everythings slow and grey and takes so much effort. I hate myself in actually being myself. Being able to pinpoint what you're feeling and when is necessary in order to call upon good healthy ways of coping with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goddess9 Posted October 16, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2004 Thanks for the added responses, you all have helped me along immensely. Eirianwen, do you feel as if someone dimmed the lights on you? I feel exactly as you do (and no offense, but that's the part that's been gnawing at me for years) and I am trying to relate . Everything gets darker and nice things turn grey and dead. I was on the floor crying today, and I had a "good" day. Disturbing. Are you guys going thru therapy also? Is that helping any? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela Posted October 16, 2004 Report Share Posted October 16, 2004 Are you guys going thru therapy also? Is that helping any? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I am in psychotherapy atm, have been for just over a year and have about 4 months left. Sometimes I think it helps and I feel I'm making progress, sometimes I don't feel it helps at all, depends what mood I'm in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted October 16, 2004 Report Share Posted October 16, 2004 i can explain my depression. it is all consuming, it wrings all the meaning and joy out of my life, it is an endless void that is inside myself, i hate myself completely yet i am divorced from myself, i walk around in a bubble seperate from all things living and dead, i exsist in a vaccum, my dissassociation becomes worse and walls move so that i have to stay on the edges of a room either to get my bearings on where i am in physical space or to even touch the walls to know they are real, nothing real or spiritual has meaning. my moods don't flip as often as everyone elses.. thats what i hate about the depression if it isnt stopped early on it goes for several month. what i described above is the worst of the depression and at its worst it can last several months during really bad times. fortunately for me this hasnt happened more that 5-6 times in my life. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cooler Posted October 18, 2004 Report Share Posted October 18, 2004 Well since the majority of you have been diagnosed with BPD, I'd just like to ask everyone a q. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. How do you feel when you shift moods? Do you feel it, or do you not notice until it passed? And when you're depressed, what does it feel like? Thanks. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I can identify with all the posts here, but have some positive input which might be encouraging. I have only just discovered that my symptoms add up to BPD, but for many years I have known that I had a really severe mood disorder. By being mindful and self aware over many years I have gradually managed to swallow each mood change without acting it out. The secret for me has been recognising when the change kicks is (which as we know is instantaneous) and then letting myself feel the bad stuff without trying to pass it on to who ever is with me. It is very hard, and doesn't always work, but I can contain myself within what my wife and daughter see as quite normal levels of behaviour. Sometimes a can take two or three changes in a day and my wife doesn't even notice. I'm very proud of that. My father obviously had this illness although he didn't know it, and he never mastered it. He was the same all his life, attacking us and hurting us right to the end. I watched him carefully in the last months and I'm convinced that he didn't know what was happening to him. He certainly never admitted to anything and never used the words 'mood change' about himself. What I did see was that when he felt bad, then he made sure we all felt bad as well, and somehow that made him feel better. It was a vicious, never ending, circle. So, I'm thinking that if we at least know what happens to us, then maybe we have some chance of working with it. It's better than nothing. Good luck :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted October 18, 2004 Report Share Posted October 18, 2004 YES! Lights dimmed, that's exactly how it feels. Thanks man, feel like you've been able to pinpoint where I wasn't. I wanna be where Cooler is- being able to mindful (even if it's not every time) would help a lot, I think. Hopefully it's something I'll be able to learn on the DBT skills course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragdoll Posted October 22, 2004 Report Share Posted October 22, 2004 ive been quite unwell lately, very moody and i can tell you its like living in hell and what makes it worse is when other ppl can tell that your mood has changed before you. i used to be able to pick a mood change before anyone but the last few months i havent been able to. in the last 3 weeks i have been through every emotion i can think of but mostly in the last 2 1/2 weeks i have been in a depression and let me tell you its not nice. you cant do anything. i am damn tired all the time, i find it hard to get out of bed, to do the house work is like running a marathon, i force myself to go to work because i dont like the pressure on my partner but then i die when i get home. im sure youve seen movies where ppl have been stabbed and are slowly dying, well thats what depression is like for me and thinking about writing this is taking forever and taking a lot out of me. good luck with your responses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goddess9 Posted October 22, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2004 Thanks again everyone whom responded. You guys are freakin' gold. ragdoll, I feel that way everyday of my life. A weight is on me and I can't escape, don't want to escape. Does anyone kinda feel comfortable in their sadness? I know I sure do. When I get sad, it feels like a glove. I feel like crying, and I have no reason to. I am all over the place, but am too tired all the time. Everything hurts, mind and body. I am slowly crawling into myself and I can't stop it. I want to be nice and everything but I'm in "save myself" mode first and foremost. If I get hurt, I just hoard it, and deal with it later. My feeling of dread when I change moods is significant. A rush of chemical, a splash of color. I don't know whether or not another person completely kicks in, but that might explain it. Thanks for listening. Keep responding ! Lauren <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted October 22, 2004 Report Share Posted October 22, 2004 I know what you mean about wantng to be nice and helpful to other people. When I feel really down it's as if my standard of living is just 'survive'. A couple of weeks ago some friends started hassling me to help another friend who's been losing weight recently (due to splitting with her boyf), even though they know i've been bulimic for the last 12 years. I lost it a bit with these friends because I felt like if I can't help myself, what help can I give someone else? Then I felt really crap, like I'm a terrible friend etc etc. It's all ok now though , with the friends I mean, I still feel like a terrible person who's stuck in their own selfish mire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goddess9 Posted October 31, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2004 Sorry guys....I'm a bit slow rawr. Anyways, in therapy, my therapist suggested that I'm actually having panic attacks instead of a BPD....do any of you have panic attacks (disorder or no).... Thank you! I feel like I have to help others and disregard myself, and that I'm selfish when I try to lick my wounds and be introverted. Is that so wrong? How do you guys feel about withdrawl from social activites? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela Posted October 31, 2004 Report Share Posted October 31, 2004 Goddess - yes I have very bad panic attacks and high anxiety, not sure if it's a disorder though. I don't think it is selfish when you try to look after yourself, sometimes it's impossible to help others when you feel so low and are just trying to survive (like eirianwen said). I know what you mean though, sometimes I feel very selfish because I can't spend time with people or help more than I want to. I hate haiving no social life; people just stop asking you and inviting you to outings in the end, which is good in a way 'cause it takes away the pressure. But in another way, I feel like I have no life because everything is so totally out of control. It is too painful for me to be out though, as it can just take a glimpse of myself in a toilet mirror to make me want to kill myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goddess9 Posted October 31, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2004 :( It's so hard to feel like you want to die to escape the panic....my whole chest seizes up and I can't breathe and I HAVE to leave the area, and cry. It sucks. I've been trying to avoid social interaction, thinking it would help. It did for a while, I thought I was evening out, but then I realized I really am missing out and that I have no control over that, that I don't want to be social anymore and I can't help it....it's a vicious cycle, my life is full of them. Has anyone done what I did and come out of it? Angela, what do your panic attacks feel like? I know how you feel. I'll come home and everything will be fine and I'll start thinking and find no point in my life. I hate this. Thanks. Lauren. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela Posted October 31, 2004 Report Share Posted October 31, 2004 Angela, what do your panic attacks feel like? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hi Lauren, It is so hard to describe my panic attacks, but I'll try. It feels like somebody is standing on my chest, obstructing my breathing, I often find myself grabbing at my throat. Everything around me seems to be happening at twice the speed. I become agitated. Like you, I find it difficult to stay where I am even though I know that staying in the same place is supposed to be better. All rational thoughts disappear and I think everyone or a certain person I care about have/has died. It feels like I am running away, but I don't know what from. I become very upset. I want to take overdoses or hurt myself in some way (although this also happens when I am calmer). It feels like everyone is staring at me. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. I feel unsafe. I hope this describes it for you and helps you understand a bit more about what is happening, of course anyone else's experience may be different. Take care, Angela x x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted November 4, 2004 Report Share Posted November 4, 2004 Hi Goddess and e'one. I have intense panic, not sure if it can be defined as panic attack----comments would be welcome.(diagnosis welcome!!!!! ) I had one in Group last night. The person sitting next to me was too close (see my post in bad day forum) and I shrunk, withdrew, started to hyperventilate, felt claustraphobic, was shaky, went very pale, 'disappeared' (dissociated). I had to leave the room for a short while. It would take too long to describe the background to them, I felt similar on the train to work this morning. Its a combination of finding the power of closeness difficult, and of self protection due to physical and emotional boundary violations in childhood. How do I cope with it? Well, last night I even forgot I had rescue remedy in my bag .... I suppose for me the first thing is to admit this is happening to ME, and not judge myself for it (shame is a biggie) and then start, as I am, to trust welcome closeness. My therapist reaches me through my eyes sometimes, and that really helps. lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goddess9 Posted November 10, 2004 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2004 I'm sorry to hear that dear....have you gotten to the point where you know what your panic is about? That's what I'm trying to find out. Dissociating...I know what it is, but do any of you do it on a daily basis and could you explain that to me ? Thank you all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted November 10, 2004 Report Share Posted November 10, 2004 hi goddess , my panic is related to the trauma of my birth. lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinklady66 Posted January 9, 2005 Report Share Posted January 9, 2005 When I have a mood swing I really feel it. I call it switching poles, even though I don't have bipolar. I can be really happy for a bit and then switch to being really depressed to being a complete bitch. I feel like I am suffering. The mood swings make me feel sick, literally. I hate them and am just starting to learn how to control them. I am on a ton of meds to stablize them too. Believe it or not I'm on meds that are for people with bipolar. It was once thought that I was bipolar, then severly depressed, an ajustment disorder, impulse disorder and finally bpd. I fit the criteria for it. Scary thing. Eventually you will get contol over the mood swings. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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