jai Posted April 1, 2006 Report Share Posted April 1, 2006 I feel like such an idiot and am shocked at myself yet again...!after therapy yesturday i had a stinky headache again....it lasted 5 hours , then i'd had enough, so picked bf up from work and went for one drink..whilst out met some ppl i dont know that well, but we all know each other through mutual friends of long ago kind of thing. so, they buy more wine ,then a bottle, then an invite back to theirs, then some blow, dancing more wine and by 1am , i was in asda shopping for dinner..!!by 230am shouting and screaming and crying at my bf, like i can remember what about....errrrr, no i cant, woke today with him not next to me, he'd slept on the sofa..thing is i was doing so much better i really did nt think getting drunk would turn me into such an idiot all over again, im worried cos i dont know what i said or did nt say with these ppl, im upset and angry at myself for shouting at bf for an hour and half.Im in therapy but if i can nt handle one night out that got too merry once in a very blue moon, then i am not any getting better. I feel like i turned the pages back last night. Albeit bf did nt let it get out of hand , he just ignored me and this morning i when i remembered why i was sleeping alone just wanted to die, could nt stop thinking , well thats it, its over, i managed to pull off all my old behaviour in one night....how is that improvement, i feel like hiding inside forever, i have a wedding party to go to in June with bf and i am really worried about behaving badly, i really think its time for him and i not to share our outings with others, i can see him watching out for me the whole time and he knows that at some point i will just go crazy once we are home.How do i get normal, when i just dont seem to be able to stop myself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs tree Posted April 1, 2006 Report Share Posted April 1, 2006 ((((jai)))))don't know how to answer but see you are huritngtake careMrs TRee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted April 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2006 thanks mrs treei guess i am doomed to be an idiot all my life....just when i thought there was hope too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samsung Posted April 1, 2006 Report Share Posted April 1, 2006 Jai... you are not doomed. Our future lies in our hands. In most cases we couldnt stop the past or do anything about it, but we can choose to walk the road of life and construction for the future.Please dont stay down because of this. CHOOSE TO STAND UP AND WALK ON.i am here for you my friendhope you are ok... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jewel Posted April 1, 2006 Report Share Posted April 1, 2006 Hi Jai, I also agree with Rachel. Jai, your also nothing bad hun. Im sorry things are arent so good for you. Its good that your posting and reaching out. We are here and we do care. ((Jai)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
realscape Posted April 1, 2006 Report Share Posted April 1, 2006 Jai you aren't doomed. But it might be an idea to knock drinking on the head for a year or two whilst you're in therapy and until you aren't going to leak out surpressed emotions once you've had a few too many or even just plain do anything stupid. Thats what I had to do. I've lately started drinking at home where its a bit safer cos I can limit the amount and also won't lead me into social situations that can get out of hand. Not that this method is getting me anywhere mind.after therapy yesturday i had a stinky headache again....it lasted 5 hours , then i'd had enough, so picked bf up from work and went for one drink..I particularly liked this bit by they way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted April 1, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2006 thanks for the support, i still feel really angry and upset, back to not showing it though...there are so many issues tied up with last night, especially hearing how my ex is getting married...and yes i was really upset, not out of jealousy, out of a wtf, how does he get to live life normally after beating the crap out of me and hurting me, and then after all that, i continued to be friends with him and we continued to support each other..suddenly our friendship is binned and now he is marrying the reason why..the message is clear, he's a nice guy that got with me, a fucked up person and thats why i got hit.....this is old stuff, but its all come back, here i am a year into therapy wishing every day were different, not knowing what the next my fucked up mind will cook up as a life plan, and there he is getting married, like he's joined the Mr normal camp, whilst i am evidently so crap and deserving of everything am drowning in so many mixed emotions.i would like to feel happy for him, but all i do feel is used , abused and like someone painted the scarlet letter on me, yes its me, i was the screwed up one....sorry, the booze is definately stopping, albeit infrequent that seems too much for now. As for the rest, i guess living so close to this guy, i am going to have to face more bits of info trickling my way from shared friends ect....like i want to know? sorry, i sound miserable and unforgiving, but i feel so hurt by this , and i will never understand how abusing fucks get to live a normal life whilst we suffer on and on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
realscape Posted April 1, 2006 Report Share Posted April 1, 2006 Whoa, whoa, whoa. STOP!!!! Only someone who has Been There, Seen It, Done It (To Death) such as my goodself can tell you this is wrong wrong wrong thinking. I have had a relationship with every violent psychopathic guy from London to Sydney. This is how it goes. You yourself are guilty of choosing an abusive partner. You have allowed someone because of your choice in them to abuse you. OK, maybe you stopped it at a certain point. But there is an 'issue' with you that you allowed that person to be with you in the first instance and that it resulted in abuse. Healthy happy people do not choose violent unhealthy partners, generally speaking. OK. Enough of your own guilt. Nobody is entitled to attack or physically harm or mentally abuse another person. If someone has done this to you, they are an abusive person. They will continue to be an abusive person REGARDLESS of whether they are with you unless they work on recovery (unlikely). Many psychopaths (anti-social personality disordered people) are very charming, very superficially attractive, and GET AWAY with what they have done and CONTINUE what they are doing with other people in new dynamics. This is a fact.You are lucky not to be with this guy. Feel sorry for whomsoever he is marrying. Question what is was about him that conned you, attracted you. What negative need you have inside yourself that was met by this person. I know what mine is, my Dad is a psychopath, 100%, that type of emotional abuse is familiar to me, it feels like "coming home", I understand the language. This is wrong. This is a problem For Me. But it doesn't mean that all the guys I entertained who tried to kill me, who beat me up, who abused me, who robbed me, who cheated on me, were OK. They are ill people. Doesn't mean I'm well, it means they are also ill. You did not BRING the problems to this guy, you didn't make him act out. He is already unwell. And you ALLOWED an unwell person to violate you. That is the only bit that is your responsibility. Change it in the future, don't get involved with people until you are totally sure that you are making correct and healthy choices. I haven't been involved with a partner for nearly 3 years because I finally understood this after reading Louise Hay "You Can Heal Your Life" and Robin Norwood "Women Who Love Too Much" amongst others.I really feel for you and feel sad for what you have written, its not your fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samsung Posted April 2, 2006 Report Share Posted April 2, 2006 jai... i dont know how they get away with it.dunno what to say at this moment. my hear is hurting for you and real.take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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