Americanimport Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 I am having a very difficult time trying to find reasons to go on..... life seems so pointless.... My 9 year old daughter has been with my mother in the States now for 5 weeks and I don't even miss her..... I feel as though she is better off without me... she is a strong, happy soul and I don't want to pollute her with my misery... I don't even like to talk with her on the phone..... What kind of crap mother am I? As of Friday afternoon, the US Air Force has now begun the medical evaluation process to have me discharged due to my BPD diagnosis.... It could take anywhere from 2 to 8 weeks and in the meantime all I can do is sit and wait.... I have been told I might not even receive any disability as they claim that I had the disorder prior to military service..... Gee, that's strange, I've been in for 14 years but only just diagnosed now.... I have spent the last 3 days locked up inside my house with no interest in seeing or talking to anyone..... I have also started eating at an alarming rate.... yesterday all I could think about was what else could I put in my mouth? It was horrible, all I at was junk and just kept wanting more.... I keep thinking about going back in hospital.... wondering what I could do to get there.... at least there I felt safe and understood..... Nobody here understands me and of course the military's view of mental illness seems to be associated with weakness..... I think people blame me for my illness and think that I just choose to feel this way? If only all those "healthy people" could spend a day in our shoes.... What would they think then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacinta Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 Hi American, I've posted on the introduction board for you. Keep strong. Love, Jacinta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted October 11, 2004 Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 Trying to do the best for you and your daughter does not make you a crap mother. You care so much you say you don't want to 'pollute'- it can't have been easy to make the decision you did and can't help feel that you would give yourself just as much of a hard time if you had you daughter with you right now. Anyone who believes that a person would 'choose' to feel terrible and have a mental illnes doesn't even warrant enough brain cells to be classed as a sentient being. We have a mental illness, which no-one likes to talk about but this doesn't mean we should endure ignorance, stupidity or misunderstanding because of it. The strength we have to just be when every fibre of you wants to expire cos you can't stand the pain anymore is greater than people will ever understand. I don't understand where my strength comes from and i find this frightening- If I could download some of it directly into your brain I would. I'm thinking of you. Much love and hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Americanimport Posted October 11, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2004 Thanks Eirianwen, I certainly could use some of that strength..... sometimes I wish someone could physically beat it into me..... Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself... I just don't know anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.