Tell It To The Judge

[Jacinta]

I told the Magistrate that I was of good character; law-abiding and ethical. I told her that I had made an honest mistake and that I am deeply remorseful. I told her that I have a permanent depressive illness and am well managed; psychiatrist, social worker and counsellor. I told her that I am a single parent of a special needs child - I have been seperated for 18months. I told her that there was Domestic Violence, Police Harassment, Child Protection, Child Suppport, Property Settlement, Taxation, and ongoing Financial Abuse Issues. I told her that my income (benefits) have been cut due to my estranged husband's tax evasion. I told her that I have been looking for work since May 2004; I have recently had a damaging relationship and I have very limited social support. I told her that my son's school is 2 kilometres away from home and there is no bus service. I also told her that I would have difficulties accessing vital support services for myself; Psychiatrist, Social Worker, Counsellor, Family Law Solicitor, Accountant and Disability Employment Service. I advised her that my current situation is already impacting dramatically on my mental health and the mandatory loss of licence would have further serious consequences on my mental health, my situational issues and my abilitity to parent my child effectively. I offered her my three supporting character references from my Psychiatrist, Social Worker, and Counsellor, my current medical certificate, and a report from my previous Job Network Provider. My Psychiatrist had also explained in her report, the mitigating medical reasons that put my bac over the limit (.074) after three light beers in six hours. I told her nevertheless, that I had broken the law, that I expected to be punished and requested to be punished in a way that would not affect my child's welfare. I asked for SIGNIFICANT community service to be my punishment. She chose not to look at my references and gave me a sentence that took none of my current critical life situation into account. I might as well not have wasted my breath. The law doesn't care what implications it has on a 7 year old's welfare even if the mother is a good person who made a very honest mistake. I have looked into how I may be able to minimise the Magistrate's decision. I will be contacting the Transport Department, tell them of my situation and if they know of any bi-laws that could be creatively worked with to regard parenting responsibilities as ligitimate reason for a restricted licence. (I don't know what job is more important than parenting - just shows where our society is at).

I really lost it after court. I went to see the boyfriend, who was the recent destructive relationship I spoke about. It was silly but I just felt so alone, so overwhelmed, and so desperate. My head was spinning!!!!! Luckily he was in a group (he's in rehab) and they wouldn't let me see him anyway. I told the staff member, that I did realise that he wasn't allowed visitors, apologised and walked back to the grounds of the Courthouse. I didn't feel up to going home and being consumed by my lonely four walls. After about 1/2 hour of thinking what my next step could be, I walked up to the local branch of my solicitors. I told them I was a client of a solicitor in another branch and could I use their phone to ring my solicitor. They allowed me; I burst into tears talking to my solicitor - telling her all the ramifications for my son and how I wasn't able to care for my son adequately without transport. I was so embarrassing - here I was in an office I had never stepped foot in before and was bawling in the reception area talking to my solicitor. My solicitor told me there was nothing that could be done. I rang my Mum and asked her to pick me up. I thanked the receptionist and told her how sorry I was. She seemed quite compassionate (as she had heard my entire conversation with the solicitor). I went outside an waited for Mum. When Mum got there I asked if she would mind waiting for a couple of minutes, until I spoke to the Court Registrar. (I just wanted to confirm with him as well that there was nothing I could do). He told me there was nothing I could do - then Mum drove me home and I walked up to the school to pick up my son. He tantied all the way home - his legs were sore. I burst into tears again when I came home and ran the psych unit, I was about to crack and I wanted to be in a psych unit when I did. The line was engaged. I organised for my son to stay with his father until Monday afternnoon. (It's his father's contact weekend anyway) I completely fell apart. I took two of the Dozile's that I had bought and in over an hour, I was still awake. I know it was really naughty of me but I did take another - and that gave me three hours sleep. I'm still very tired, but at least I've had some sleep on top of the 7 hours sleep I have had in the past four days. I am not just angry with the Magistrate, I am angry about the injustice in the world - and me always getting the rough end of the stick. I wasn't trying to escape my consequences - I just couldn't have my consequences affect my child (and all the other issues I contend with).

I got to my appointment with my counsellor, Friday morning. I had to take the 7am; and then the 7.10 connection and got there at 7.30am, for 9.30am - there were no later buses that would have got me there in time. I went in at 8.30 and my counsellor took one look at me, got me a cuppa and saw me straight away! He told me I should have just cancelled, instead of going to that effort. I told him "You've got to be kidding - there are three people in the world that believe in me - and you are one of them (and the healthiest one of them). I needed to see you." It was a really good session - the milk of human kindsness coupled with solid knowledge and skill goes a long way!!!! Of course, my situation hasn't changed but he's given me food for thought. I got a horrible letter from the Police Service re: police harrassment from my brother-in-law and three other police officers. They didn't even address the allegations, said the matter was finalised. I rang the Assistant Commission and left a message, that the matter WAS NOT finalised until the allegations were addressed - no return of my phone call as yet. F*ck them!!! No wonder some police officers believe they are above the law and beyond reproach - they know that even serious harrassment, will be swept under the carpet. I may have to leave it lie but I am incredibly disappointed.

I just met up with my ex-boyfriend. I don't know why but I felt quite repellant towards him. He started to talk about "his shit" and then he said a "penny for your thoughts". I told him I felt really angry - he said he could see that. I told him that although I support what he's doing in his life and I'm glad he's got support - I'm really pissed off that I'm left high and dry - and all alone without any support from anyone. He said that that was more than reasonable and he was really sorry for what he had done. I told him I wasn't trying to put a guilt trip on him. He said he knew that - and my situation does suck. He said he was just trying to make conversation - he felt really nervous - not with me - just coming off drugs - reality seems really intense - which I can understand. I left our meeting feeling angrier than before I met with him, which suprised me. I know that he did a lot of things wrong but my life has taken a turn for much worse - and he is one person I can trust in my everyday life - no risk of him telling one anything to make things worse for me. It's pretty sad how far my life has crumbled but it is good to have contact with at least someone - even if I am really angry with them. Does that make sense????? I am glad in hindsight that he does realise it is over and there is none of this - just give me another chance crap anymore. Surprisingly, I actually think our friendship may survive the betrayal of the relationship - try to make sense of that one. I suppose I do in that we are both really good people at heart with some full on issues that make us incapable of having a relationship with anyone at this stage. I hope that by seeing him, I haven't slowed him down with his moving on - I also hope that I'm not going to get even more pissed off when he does move on - thinking that he has left be behind "broken" and happily moved on. I was broken before we started going out - but he certainly shattered me much, much more. Don't be concerned for me - about meeting with him. What happened between us was when he was using and he's in rehab now - and is tested everyday - so it is quite a "safe" time for us to catch up.

I really don't know what to do about my sister-in-law. She's the only friend I have but I can't trust her. She is friends with both me and my ex. And my ex is horrible and shows no mercy in trying to destroy me and my son. I don't put requirements on friendships but I do know I'm playing with fire continuing my friendship with her. She assures me that she is genuine but it is so difficult to trust her when she comes out with statements that she feels sorry for my ex! She's clarify herself by saying she feels so for his immaturity.... - but as I say to her - his immaturity doesn't hurt him - just everyone around him - so what is there to be sorry about. It may seem like I'm try to vie for her loyalty - but that is only what was said when the topic came up.

I know that I am going for a restricted licence - but how do I hide my "immobility" from everyone until then. I LIVE in my car, so to speak. How do I hide it from my son????????????????????? "Yes, it is a lovely day to walk to school", has already worn thin with him.

I know this is the longest post on record - thanks for reading - and let me know what you think - or any suggestions you might have: ppppleaseeee!

Love Jacinta :wacko:

[twilight]

Oh hun, I'm sorry about the court thing. How long do you have no licence for? I can't believe she didn't even bother reading your references, what was the point in even having a court hearing! You've tried your best to get it sorted but it looks like they aren't gonna budge in their decision, despite your situation I can see it must be hard to persaude your son to walk to school - can you tell him the car is broken?!

Ok, and by the way, there aren't just 3 people in the world that believe in you, i'm number 4 and i know there are lots of others here. I know we aren't with you in person but we are here for you through all this.

As for your ex, yeah it completely makes sense to me for you to keep contact even though you are angry with him etc. You know that he's a good friend when's out of all this drug stuff. And besides, sometimes its hard even if you know you haven't got a good friend at the end of it...I still have contact with my ex even though I know theres no friendship and nothing but him hurting me. I know what you mean about being scared he'll move on and leave you 'broken', I'm the same, I met my ex in hospital and he's moving on with his life, working etc and I am still all over the place and it hurts, I feel like the failure. But, I think your ex has a long way to go, and so you can help each other through, and hopefully if and when he does move on, he'll still be there for u. And besides, by then you may have moved on anyway!!

Anyway hun, I hope you managed to get some more sleep, that will help. See u in chat soon! Take care xxx

[Tory]

(jacinta) Sorry you have been having a bad time and about the decision in court. As Twi said there are more then 3 people who believe u cos she does and i do and many others will. I am sure your boy will try really hard to undersatnd about the car. You could always tell him u are walking to keep both of u fit!!

Take care and hope stuff gets better soon.

Tory xx

[Betsy]

Jacinta,

Wow.. your life really is crummy right now. I am amazed that with all these things going on you are able to even communicate them. The amount of logic and thought that you express these problems with is what is going to help you get through them. Sometimes our spirits seem to unravel with each mounting problem, but hang on to the fact that our problems tend to unravel and our spirit comes back.

Suggestions? Humm.. maybe a couple... i dont know your living situation but if possible is their an appartment closer to the school that you could move too? Court... sometimes it is better just to go on instead of putting your energy into fighting something put your energy into how you are going to go through it. Your son finding out... an honest talk with him about how his mommy really broke the law and that is a bad thing and she isnt going to do it again can teach them worlds of lessons. He can see that even good people can make mistakes and take responsibility for them. It's also a good lesson in how your mistakes can affect others. Your Ex... scares me but you know him and yourself better than me so I am trusting you. Hiding it from everyone... why, you made a mistake, we all do, you are being responsible and paying for it. People that care about you... twi is 4, tory is 5, and i am 6.. wow how do you have time for so many close friends that believe in you!?

Beyound that I have bushels of hugs for you... and tons of respect... and truckfuls of faith!

bets

[Joshua]

Hi,

Surely you have the right to appeal against there desicion? Can you speak to the CAB? I hopw you may be able to sort it. Remember there is always a way.

[wabbit]

I know on a limited income this might feel like pie in the sky, but any chance of getting your son a bike? Maybe look in the paper for one? Where do you live? Doesnt have to be anew one.

Jacinta, what you did with the pills, I dont have a problem with, if it keeps you on a even keel and from going over the edge, I think its OK.

Hon please take care(((((((((((((((((JACINTA))))))))

[Jacinta]

Thank you all for your words of support. I think the thoughtful, heart-felt answers really warrant individual responses. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!

...Twi,

I've lost my licence for 2 months and I your comment of a court hearing really hit home with me - if they are so incompassionate not to take into consideration genuine hardship and the plight of a special-needs 7 year old child and they have to get through "all their drink-driving charges" so quickly they can't even read references - they should give the police officers the authority to write tickets for it. Your response showed me that "a court hearing" in response to a drink-driving charge is REALLY a waste of public funds - that could be spend more wisely elsewhere.

My car is four years old, I bought it new and have maintained it well. The only thing I can think of is my tires are bald - and I don't have the money to get new ones. I could say that I am refusing to drive my son, or myself in an unroadworthy car???

Thank you for your belief in me - I do try to be the best person I can be. For whatever reason (nature v nurture debate); I am as subtle as a sledgehammer and as scared as a rabbit. I am stauchly independent and only through fulfilling my own dreams will I be able to support others. Currently, I feel concerned about the impact of my actions on others. I also don't know who to trust. I have difficulty with knowing how much to share (and what to admit to). I don’t like being dishonest or secretive. I am feeling at the moment like my survival depends on me being more strategic. That's me - warts and all - where I am in myself and my life at the moment.

I am so sorry about your ex. Believe me, I KNOW, how much it would hurt. My ex may be there for me the best he can in his own brokenness but believe me I have had men shit on me without any remorse. It is one of the biggest areas of my life that I need to work through and resolve - so I really do know what you are going through. I really don't know how much contact I want with my ex - I'm trying to think broader than yesterday's meeting while remaining honest with myself about the disappointment (and betrayal) I feel about what he has done previously and the frustration I feel about his self-absorbed "poor me" attitude. I feel that I have moved on from that relationship. I don't want to sound self-righteous or stuck up - but I don't believe he operates from the same mindset that I do. I don't want a relationship - and it would certainly be highly inappropriate for me to have a relationship until I resolve all these issues - but I do think I would be better off with someone much more mature, if I eventually do have another relationship. (Drugs do create a irresponsible nature - even though my ex before drugs was an ethical, upfront and genuine caring person. He is still that underneath but I think the development of his innate qualities have been interfered with through his addiction). I just have to remember that because of where we are both at; that he will move on before me; and it is not about me being left behind "broken" - it is about me having big lessons to learn - and I have to focus on my self, my life and my own growth and personal development - my own hopes and dreams, my own destiny .... now I'm getting too deep!!!

I also have to remember that as part of our socialisation we are taught that adult success is: fantastic career with big bucks - and all the toys that come from it; a happy marriage with our "soulmate"; and happy, "perfect" children. I have to remember that life isn't the Brady Bunch - it is real, gritty - and a really big learning experience. It is about the journey - not the destination. From the definition of success, I would appear to be a total failure: unemployed, on the single parents pension; financially destitute; and seperated from an unhappy marriage; with loads of seperation issues. But to me, I feel like I'm a success - I have loved, nurtured and protected my son through horrendous experiences that I am powerless to control. He knows deep down that he is important, he is loved, he is valued, "he matters" - and there are very clear expectations and boundaries, which are consistently upheld. For me, that is success. My son will undoubtedly make choices that will make me cringe and "tear out my heart" in his journey through life. I know I have made many mistakes with my parenting but I also know that I have done the best I can by him, every moment of every day, since I found out I was pregnant. Doing my best as his mum is my gift to the next generation - that is success to me!!!!

And... although I really believe everything I have written - I am still overwhelmed with pain, anger, fear and guilt.

Thanks Twi,

Love You,

Jacinta.

[Jacinta]

Bets,

How are you going with your "terror"py issue? I haven't check your post yet to see, if anyone could give you some food for thought with it - but I will - I wish you all the best with it - I know you will make the right choice for you!

Yes, life is crummy right now for me and I think it is good to call a spade a spade. Thank you for your feedback "I am amazed that with all these things going on you are able to even communicate them. The amount of logic and thought that you express these problems with is what is going to help you get through them. Sometimes our spirits seem to unravel with each mounting problem, but hang on to the fact that our problems tend to unravel and our spirit comes back". It is true and I find it very encouraging. Ta!!!

My living situation - I own my own home and it is the one thing that has remained permanent in the outer lives of my son and I - I really don't want to give it up - also if I sell it - my ex has more chance of getting his hands on my last remaining equity - and I don't want to jeopardise my son's or my financial future anymore than it already has been. Good suggestion - but bringing it back to my life situation it doesn't feel like an appropriate option - but thanks!!!!!!

Court... I have always been very upfront with my son about that mummy's are human too, and they do make mistakes - I am the first to admit mine to him. Hiding it from everyone... in this situation when his father is waiting to pounce to try for custody (again) I think upfront honesty (which is my usual response) will actually result in the downfall of my son and I - there are significant child protection issues related to his father and I am very scared for my son's welfare. I teach my son wherever appropriate that even really good people still make mistakes. It is a very good lesson for me in how my mistakes can affect the one thing, I cherish over everything - my boy.

Even though - there were issues that you were not to know, which make your suggestions not "doable" for me - please know that I REALLY DO APPRECIATE YOUR FEEDBACK AND SUGGESTIONS INCREDIBLY!!!!!!!!!

My ex (boyfriend) doesn't necessarily scare me but I know I have to be very cautious and vigilant - he has trampled on my most vulnerable weaknesses previously - and my contact with him needs to be positive, beneficial and safe.

People that believe in me... thank you for being #6. It looks like the "We believe in Jacinta" club is steadily growing which is FANTASTIC!!!!!!! Keep it coming! I AM worth it - even though I do undoubtibly have my faults!!!

And thank you for all those hugs, all that respect, and ohh!!! that faith in me feel GOOODD! Thanks for caring and thanks for letting me know you care.

Keep Well Bets,

All my Love,

Jacinta

[Jacinta]

Last but not least ....dearest Tory, Wabbit and Josh.

I have pre-established friendships with Twi and Bets - so please don't feel that your postings are any less welcomed, important or appreciated that Twi and Bets.

You are my newbie friends. Welcome!!!!!!!

Tory... Thank YOU for believing in me too. I love my boy but he is still a 7 year old gremlin at times and believe me if he doesn't want to understand something - he down right refuses to - kids! aren't they refreshingly honest with themselves!!!!l take the dog with us - and say she is just far too fat - and will get diabetes if we don't get some weight off her - which is true! I also think it is a brilliant opportunity to increase my fitness level - 40 kilometres per week - I don't know what that is in miles - sorry! The gremlin is more than happy on the way to school but is "OVER IT" at the end of the day, complains his legs are sore - and lets the whole neighbourhood know of his dissatisfaction with the situation. There is a 3.30pm bus, which we can take home - so that might be a good option. Keep you informed. He loves working the dog to school in the morning which is MORE THAN A SMALL MERCY because there are no buses for two hours each side of the time he needs to be at school!

Josh ... thanks to you too. I do have the right to appeal but it will take 2 months (which is the length of my disqualification). The guy from the Supreme Court said that he could fast-track it down to a month because of the severity of my situation. I told him I would think about it and get back to him - I had just got back from court and my head was still spinning (It would be great to have a poltergeist smiley - I'm sure the other posters would use it too). CAB? ... for the Aussie??? I am pretty resourceful - but Twi's response actually gave me a broader objective - for what good it will do - besides making me feel better - writing to the Justice Department about the waste of resources in drink driving "hearings" that do no more than what a police officer could do (without any power of discretion). It won't do a god-damn thing except make me feel better. I could send them a copy of their response, to save them time....

"Dear J, it is unfortunate that you did not get the result you were seeking in the Magistrates Court, in relation to your drink driving charge. We would like to advise you that you do have the option of appeal regarding your sentence available to you with the Court-of-Appeal within the Supreme Court. We wish you all the best with you situation. Regards, Commission of the Justice Department)"

Wabbit... My son does have a bike but doesn't have a "stack hat" - $100 fine for riding without one here. I could look into getting a "stack hat" for him - even if it is secondhand - ask around if anyone's got a spare one they don't use anymore. I don't know about what it's like where you live but here we have a "yellow flag system". When a student is approached by a paedaphile - the yellow flags go out and the police put about 8 cars around the school. Like I say to my son - it's when the yellow flags AREN'T out you have to be most cautious of "someone trying to steal you". I'm sorry but I just don't feel comfortable with my son riding to and from school yet - I will probably in about 3 years, when he's 10. p.s. I don't have a bike anymore (I sold it for money for food, not knowing WHAT was around the corner ie. transport probs !!!!!! God I hate my situation!!!!!! -----GET A GRIP JACINTA AND STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF - YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS AND IT IS ABOUT WORKING WITH THE OPTIONS YOU HAVE GOT!!!!!!!!!!!) God, I'm a wuss!! Okay, I'm back in control!!!!

---- wabbit... you may be able to help me with a question about this wabbit phenonoma.... is the joke "Wot's a wok? - it's wot you fwo at a wabbit wen you ain't got a wifle" part of it or is it just something that has just sprung from it... It certainly isn't directed at you... it's just a joke my estranged husband used to say all the time and thought it was really funny - so please explain the wabbit thing to me.....

P.S. I slept last night without any pills - I think I am starting to finally move through the crisis point.

Lots of Love,

Jacinta

[Betsy]

you continue to amaze me babe.... keep it up!

bets :wub:

[wabbit]

Jacinta, all I know right now is that you are an amazingly strong woman. I will explain that pathetic joke to ya later. Does ya son have to wear the hat if you walk with him?

You have every right to be scared, you have every right to yo be angry, You have every right to fight back, even if its only with yourself. We are all behind ya. Take care of yaself so ya can take care of business.

Wabbit

[Jacinta]

Dear Wabbit and Betsy,

You are so lovely!!

I'm feeling a little bit better - and sort of moved on a little bit from the despair I was feeling.

I've decided to tell everyone that I can't drive my car because it has bald tyres and I can't afford to replace them (which is true). My rego runs out in two weeks as well and I can't afford to pay that - so there are some justifiable financial/practical reasons why I really shouldn't drive my car anyway.

That way, I can also put it on my husband that it is his financial abuse, which is costing his son "the evil necessities" of life. I know it is wicked. I hate to laugh Friday when my counsellor, who is a stauch christian said to me, "Jacinta he is abusing you integrity and honesty - he uses it against you - you are playing right into his hands. To protect yourself and your son, you can't do that anymore. Your ex means you and your son harm - and you have to do what you can to protect both of you from that. I can't believe I'm saying this as a god-brother... but 'you may need to lie in this situation'." I thought it was so cute! And for someone so ethical to say that - hit home with me, the gravity of my situation.

It's sort of like I feel a little bit "let of the hook" for having to act in a way that is so against my general character. I am so upfront and honest and get so much self-eestem from my integrity. Believe it or not, I do find it difficult to lie, despite the necessity. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I have to develop a strategic side, so I am not leaving myself (and my son) vulnerable to the "wolves" in this world.

Does anyone know what I mean? I'm not just pretending that I have a real difficulty with this. Integrity is the single most important expectation I have of myself and it is really hard to consciously violate my own standards. I feel less of a person for my intended deviousness - sure I've broken my moral code before - but never intentionally - and I have enough guilt about my mistakes. To consciously chose to be deceitful - even for self-preservation is something that really troubles me. I'm not pretending to be an angel but I do place high ethical expectations on myself - and believe that is a good thing.

My conscience literally gives me a headache. (And I'm scared I'll get caught out. I'm so used of not censoring anything - the truth just pops out!!)

I know as far as problems go, this is quite a "good" problem to have. But can anyone relate to what I am saying????? Can I please get some feedback on people's thoughts - when, IF EVER is justifiable to lie????

Thanks,

Jacinta

And Wabbit... Can I have that explanation now pretty please... with a cherry on top? XXXX

[wabbit]

Jacinta my brain has turned to jelly, but I will tell you this, what you are doing is what I call self preservation, you are protecting you and your son and getting what you need first, and I see nothing wrong with that, in fact I see it as very right. Think of it as a lioness protectin her cub and what she will do to keep her cub safe, its instinctive and it certainly isnt wrong. I think your counselor sees this as Eat or be eaten by your ex, and I dont know your ex, but from what you have told us, I dont think I am wrong. Take care babe

[wabbit]

wots a wok? its wot ya fwo at a wabbit wen ya dont got a wifle

simple translation

Whats a rock? Its what ya throw at a rabbit when ya dont have a rifle.

Dont feel bad if ya feel dumb, its a stupid joke \

:P

[Jacinta]

Thanks Wabbit,

I know the translation "but is the joke part of a wider context?" is what I'm asking. Can you please explain the whole "wabbit" phenonema?? Call me stupid - I don't care

Love,

Jacinta

[wabbit]

call me stupid too cause I dont know