Guest DaisyChain Posted October 18, 2004 Report Share Posted October 18, 2004 Hey, I'm kinda new here, not sure if I even 'qualify'...... My therapist once said she thought I might have BPD, so I investigated. And it all sounds just like me. Well, nearly all of it. I guess it feel good just to have a label. So, little bit of background - have had depression (on meds) and bouts of self harm involving cutting and an eating disorder....but now I think I'm recovering. But that doesn't stop me from getting ANGRY. I feel a little strange saying that, because all my friends know me as quite a placid person. I turned my anger in on myself before - now I'm trying to deal with a little more healthily... And I am feeling really angry lately. A close family member commited suicide recently. My family is in such a mess about it, as you can imagine. I'm angry at her for doing it. Is that reasonable? Probably not. I've felt suicidal before - I know how low she must have been. My parents are, from the outset, wonderful. And I love them a lot. But they deal with their difficulties by drinking. And when they drink, they don't turn to eachother when their unbearable emotions spill out. They turn to me. I can't deal with the responsibilty - my mum cries all over me and tells me that I can never leave her, my dad wants me to remain his 'little girl' forever (I'm 20 and have moved out of home) I have a wonderful boyfriend who I can talk to - but I sometimes take my anger out on him. I can't help it. I don't know what else to do. If I hold it in I have to keep so busy to hide my emotions from myself I tire myself out. And my brain is so active I am having difficulty sleeping. The only way I can deal with it is to take it out on myself. I have managed not to do that yet, but I have been very close. So how can I deal with this anger productively? Talking to my parents is not really an option - they live miles away and don't want to do it over the phone. I guess this - writing about it - is helping...... Another thing..... does anyone else who is in therapy find themselves becoming very attached to the therapist and almost obsessing over your meeting with them? I feel like I'm jumping from one session to the next - everything in between aims towards the next time I can talk to her. But, confusingly, sometimes I feel like I really don't like her, and feel like I am a complete waste of time to her....Grrrrr! Anyway, any words of advice would be most welcome. Love, Daisy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 18, 2004 Report Share Posted October 18, 2004 Oh my God, Daisy, I know exactly what you mean!!!! I have gotten so attached to two different therapists that I was hurting way more at my last appointment than at my first. I have not found out yet what can be done about it. I read about Transference Focused Therapy, where the transference is dismantled, removing the interference it can cause, though neither of my therapists used it. One of them told me, when I told him I was getting too attached, that he knew and knew how to break the attachment. I believed he knew what he was doing, and 24 years later, I am still obsessed with him. Sad. The latest one was warned early on about my previous experience, but it still happened. He also didn't want to face it with me, but began stretching the amount of time between appointments, thinking it would wean me. Instead, I was frantic for longer periods of time. This is the most frustrating, interesting, mysterious part of therapy for me. I asked him if he thought I might do better with a woman, and he said no, that I would probably fall in love with her, then hate her, then hit her along side the head with details. I'm not sure what that last part meant, and he was very careful to tread very lightly, and would not have explained had I asked him. Anyway, you are not alone in this. All I can say is make sure she knows, and ask her how the two of you are going to deal with it. It has hurt me so much that I have said I would rather burn down my house than go through it again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deadwhisper Posted October 19, 2004 Report Share Posted October 19, 2004 Ohmigod I am glad I am not the only one. My therapist is lovely but I do feel too attached to her and like you I obsess over our sessions. Like you I also sometimes feel asd if I don't like her and a waste of time to her. You described perfectly how I feel about mine. Wish I knew how to deal with it but she doesn't knwo that's how I feel. Anyways after that ramble. Hi. Deadwhisper xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 19, 2004 Report Share Posted October 19, 2004 Whisper, I'll bet $10000 she does know how you feel. I used to think we could hide that stuff, but you can't. It shows in little things we say and do. That's OK though. I'm glad you have made a connection with her. For myself, I will never, ever go into therapy again. Too all consuming, overrun with transference issues that never get resolved. Too painful getting out. I HAVE TO GO HOME NOW! CAN SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE START POSTING?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deadwhisper Posted October 20, 2004 Report Share Posted October 20, 2004 Am sure you are probably right verbena, she is pretty annoying like that. I hate it though I wish I didn't feel this way but I don't know how to deal with it. It was the same with my old CPN. But isn't it weird how it only happens with some people? As I said, my current therapist and my old CPN but my new CPN, as nice as she is, I could heppily throw her off a bridge - did I say that out loud?!!?????!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairytales817 Posted October 21, 2004 Report Share Posted October 21, 2004 Hmmm, the whole thing sounds intresting. Ok, anger. We'll start there. I am very much familier with this. I get angry over big things, little things... and it's EXPLOSIVE anger! It's not just hey, I'm mad... it's I want to hurt something. Whoever did this, I want to hurt them. Whatever frustrated me, I want to break it. I just wand to break something. Anger turns to violence very quickly. I have a reputation for punching mirrors and throwing phones through walls. I punched a wall once; my fist went all the way through it. So how can we handle anger? Note: I haven't punched anything or anyONE in a long while.... I can focus anger a lot better. General anger, too. Not just anger that is directed AT something. Just being angry... this works for it, too. Is there anything that you do, just, do? An activity that can channel emotions? (It works for more than just anger.) I'm in a marching band and when I have a frustrating day and I'm angry by practice, I just work as hard as I can and it makes me feel a ton better. When I can't go to band, I run. Running is very healthy when you're feeling angry or sad or self harming or anything like that. Very good thing, running. Painting. Drawing. No talent? Me neither. But I do it anyway. With practice, it gets better. And when you finally get to a point that something looks almost like you wanted it to, it makes you happy. Writing. You said that the whole writing thing made you feel a little better. Of course it does. Writing is very thereputic (sp). I have spent my life writing. I learned how to write years before most people do, and it's a good thing, too. Ever since then I have been writing every time I get my hand on a pen or a keyboard. Letters, poetry, essays, journals, short stories, just... rambles (or as I've always called them, scribbles). The scribbles are just unorganized jumbles of thoughts. Whatever's going through my head. Just a page or two, sometimes 5 or 6, of notes to myself, poetry, parts of songs, thoughts, words, sketches. It's just my scribbles. My notebooks and binders for school are filled with them. My journal is filled with them. I've been keeping a journal since I was about five or six years old. Writing has been my salvation my entire life. I'll be back later to finish what I have to say. Right now I have to go get my driver's permit. (I'm a little late doing this... I'm 16 now.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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