Hope For The Hopeless *religious*

[Des]

I came across this site and after browsing for a bit my heart really went out to you all. I just had to let you know that there is hope even if you don't see it.

If I could zoom back to this time last year, I could say with 100% accuracy that I was sitting on the floor in my bathroom with the door locked, wanting to cut pieces off of my body, so full of rage that I didn't know what to do with it, and just wanting to succumb to the calling of death in order to escape that agony. The only thing that I had to live for was that tormenting anger and fear that was wedged in my flesh and wouldn't let go.

I had been that way ever since I was around 17, and after several diagnoses, and mind numbing meds that never took the pain away, I had finally lost all hope. If this was the way the rest of my life was going to be, death then seemed to be my only release. Nobody understood me, and I couldn't really trust anybody anyway. ALL people make mistakes, right? I could not bear to be the sponge that would absorb one more person's mess-ups. I had enough to carry with the guilt of my own. I knew my own destructive capabilities.

Because I was afraid of committing suicide and failing, or worse, having my kids find me, I would go walking all hours of the night in the most risky places I could find, hoping someone would kill me.

One night though, I ended up on a bench by a river and as I sat there I had such a sense of urgency inside of me. This was it. There just had to be more than this hell. There had to be something to satisfy the hunger in me and the desperate need for fulfillment. When you're hungry, you have food to satisfy that need. When you're thirsty,.. .water. When you're wrestless,...legs to run. When you're aroused,... well, that need can also be met. If I was searching so hard to find something that would fill that void, there just had to be something to satisfy that too, or else life would be just a cruel way to torture mankind.

I began to call out to God. I begged Him with all that was in me, to help me, if he was really there. My entire heart and soul seemed to be reaching out for someone to take its hand.

I went home that night, and nothing. Days went by. Nothing. Then one day, I picked up a book that had been laying on my shelf for 7 years or so. It just caught my eye. "God, are you there? Do you care about me?" I read that book, which introduced me to the bible {beginning in the book of John}, and at the end it led me in a prayer that went like this: Jesus, I know I'm a sinner. Please forgive my sins. Please have mercy on me. I believe that you're the Son of God, and that you lived, died, and rose again. Please come into my heart and be my personal Lord and Savior.I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN."

That was the best decision I ever made. My entire life has done a complete 180 degree turn. My depression, anger and fear has been replaced with sheer joy. So much joy that I can't seem to restrain it. I have hope. My foundation is a mountain. I could never be sure of anything before, but now I am sure that Jesus loves me and died for me. He did not die for righteous people, but people like you and me, who are "messed up," hurting, fearful, angry, suicidal, and lost. He will never let me go. Nobody or nothing can ever change His love for me. I was of such worth to God, that His blood was spilled to free me of these very burdens.The weight that used to bear down on me is gone and I am free in Jesus. My past is forgiven and my guilt is gone. My conscience is clear and I am revived. I tell you, I never lived before. I existed, but I was not alive. I am alive in Him now, and I have purpose.Even when things get tough, I only need to cling to Him, and He gets me through it all. He is my shelter, my shield,and my refuge. I have never knew such love and beauty in all my life. He was the One Who formed me in my mother's womb. He knows me better than I know myself, and yet He still loves me and yourns for me! I never knew that this kind of deep joy was possible. I never knew that it was possible to have rest from my fears and insecurities. I am weak, but He is my strength.

I just wanted to share that with you all, and just let you know that He who saved me, is there for you too, if you would receive Him. He can heal you and replenish you. He sheds light into that darkness you're caught in. Please, believe me. I know what it's like to be imprisoned by that darkness, but He sheds His light right into your heart and chases that darkness away. He can save you from your sin and lift off the burden that it layed on you. He forgives.

If anyone wants to receive Him, all you have to do is pray that prayer, or one like it from your heart. He is faithful, and will save all who call on His name. That's His promise, and He never lies. I promise you, you won't be sorry for ever trusting in Him.

May God bless you all and bring healing to your pain. I will keep you all in my prayers. --Des.

"Have you known death?

He's known you.

He knows who you are,

Perhaps more than you.

You're indebted to Him

and you pay as you go,

with a secret essence

that you have not known.

When you were conceived

'twas done in perfection

but then were aborted

you have no recollection

Now as you sift,

through the ruins all alone

you're bereaved of your life,

your heart cold as stone.

You've fallen in a frigid

deserted prison, cannot stand.

Your blood has run cold,

your foundation was sand.

Led astray by a fallacy

that every man has followed,

but each man for himself

after you've been swallowed.

You once desperately sought

the way to revival

But now benumbed to it all

with just a mind for survival.

Not for the flesh,

'tis your enemy today.

Now the deceiver exposed

the rest lays in decay.

In this place of waste,

no life can be found.

One wilts in the somber,

so still, no sound.

Skin bitten by cold,

lips frozen and blue.

Enticing is the lure of death,

you see, it waits for you.

The ways of this world

left you weary and alone

stained and burdened,

by sin unatoned.

Nowhere to run,

no place you can hide.

Death will follow

his dungeon thrives inside.

Which Savior would enter these places you tread?

Which One would not fear the criptic prison?

Who has ever drawn near to this death,

and then departed again to be risen?

How could One have not been snared,

Into the grip of this death's mighty chains?

And then become the water of the rivers of life,

to revive the mortal drought,...the shame?

Which Savior has courage to face the secluded,

the plagued with leprous sores unbound?

Which Holy One would fall Himself from heaven,

to touch the dreary and wicked ground?

Would He give you water to drink?

Would He heal your oozing wounds?

Would He touch you to revive you?

Would He walk where evil looms?

Would He brush His hand over hazy eyes,

so that you would be given sight?

Would He carry you to salvation,

and conquer the dark with Omnipotent Light?

The wind, it has a secret to reveal,

it carries a voice to your heart.

A voice the sound of a thousand waters,

that has power to break death apart!"

[Vorpalblade]

well, it's great that you have faith.

[michael walker]

it is nice that you have your faith in him but he is lost to me and has been for many years and if he really does exist then it is my forgivness he should be asking not me asking his as i have done nothing wrong and if it was he who formed me in my mothers womb then i have him to thank for 30 years of abuse and torment sorry but each to his own michael

[pip]

Why is God punishing me?

What did I do wrong?

Why can't I make it better?

Am I such a bad person that I deserve to feel like this?

Why?

Sorry, but I do not understand.

Pip

x

[Des]

NO. Please nobody ever think that God is punishing anybody. God doesn't want to hurt or harm anybody. The fact is that He loves you all so much that He sent His Son so that you could be bought back from death. I am really sorry for any pain that you have had to endure from abuse, or neglect. I am not saying that these things happened to you as a consequence for anything you ever did. Unfortunately, some people do these horrible things as a result of rejecting Jesus, and then others have to suffer the consequences.

Ever since the fall of Adam and Eve, we have been born into a body where we are suseptible to sin, and the effects of others sin is then passed down from generation to generation. God didn't do this to punish us, and actually, God didn't do this at all. This wasn't His choice. However, He has given us a way out of this suffering and pain. He doesn't ask you to do anything except invite Him in. He will meet you where you are. It hurts Him to see you hurting.

You have to remember that He is a gentleman. He will not force His way into anybody's heart. He must be received and accepted.He must be wanted.If someone chooses to reject Him, it's not His fault what those people then do. No real Christ follower ever abused anyone. Alot of "professing" Christ followers maybe, but never a true one. I'm so sorry for your pain.

I do not want anybody to ever think that God is punishing you. God is not like that. He loves you. He can heal you and He wants to heal you.You are all of unmeasureable worth to Him. I only wanted you to know that even though you might not like yourself, God loves you for who you are! Not what you do or don't do, BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU. HE LOVES YOU!

If you don't want to accept this gift, that's your choice. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I only wanted to let you know that there is a way out. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. That wasn't my intention.

God Bless you all. --Des.

[samsung]

Des... can we talk please???????!?!!!!!!

[misunderstood]

how much does god forgive

you see i have a dilema

if he forgives everything then my father was forgiven for his sins to me. This means that i will see my father again in heaven and i do not want that. the solution seems to be that if i take my own life then i will go to hell but at least i wouldnt be around my father.

Now can you see my dilema.

I dont want to meet my father it is he who should be in hell not me.

totally confused

misunderstood

[pip]

I am so with you Mis

[Lindsey]

I'm sorry, but there's no point in writing things like that here-the reality is that God doesn't take away pain. We were put on earth to suffer. Deal with it. I was very religious, but he vanished. I find it patronizing that you think there's a miracle cure. and no, don't bother answering this. i couldn't care less. bring on the moderators, oops, i am one. sorry, but u make my blood boil, go back to your happy camp, with your happy people, and pray to God for us 'sinners'. to be honest, id rather go to hell than be around people like you. oops, am i being a teeny bit impulsive? sorry, but u make me want to vomit.

oh yeah, not everyone can be 'saved' btw-some people just deserve to burn in hell, they were put here to abuse people, thats the sick mind of God for you

btw, do u know what 'triggering' is? u shudnt be putting this on the general board. its offensive

[Eva*]

That's exactly what I thought.

And god is thought to be almighty, so how can it make sense that the fall of adam and eve wasn't what he intended? He made them so is it just a design fault?

The evil seducing them? where did that come from then? and why isn't it the evil that makes people do evil things? that's torturing us? Why should he be able to stop it now, if he couldn't stop it then? Adam and Eve must have believed in him, they spoke to him after all!

And another thing I don't get is that you just leave out the revengeful god of the old testament. why did he suddenly change his mind and forgave everyone for their sins just for believing in his salvation?

Christian religion (and most others) just seems to be strange delusion to me, sorry if that offends anyone, I just can't feel differently. It's just so strange to attribute all good things to one power and ignore all the bad things as just a lack of the good thing.

[michael walker]

hi des

just to let you know im not upset by this post as it lets you and us get our view point across but i have more questions

if im right adam was gods first creation and then made eve from one of adams ribs if there was sin after that why did he carry on

No real Christ follower ever abused anyone. Alot of "professing" Christ followers maybe, but never a true one. I'm so sorry for your pain.

if the above is also true then all the priests who were doing gods work were not really doing his work for him but followed his religion to abuse people and make their life hell and the majority of people who abuse in my opinion are people who are in high status jobs police, judges, lawyers, priests, teachers so on and a lot of these people would be full on Christians but people dont tell on them because they dont think that they will be believed

i was a strong believer in god whilst i was a child and used to pray to him every day

because what i have been through in my life my personal feelings on this matter are that he doesnt exist and now think more scientifically as we were not created but evolved

the only people on this planet who truly love me are my wife and children

as i said above these are my personal feelings and i dont want to stop people believing as i know some people do get a lot of help from believing but not me

thank you for the post i thought it was interesting and it gave me something to get my teeth into michael

[pip]

I went to a strict Roman Catholic school.

I went to mass everyday.

If I have sinned, then it has been unwittingly, and I would think I should be forgiven for that.

If God is going to bring me back to a life anything like this one then I don't want it.

[brassed2bits]

I AM SOOOOOO ANGRY TO HAVE COME ACROSS THIS THREAD ON HERE.

I DONT WANT TO BE PREACHED TO - I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW DES CAN COME ON AND SAY ALL THAT TO ME.

I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT GOD. I THOUGHT THIS SITE WAS FREE FROM STUFF LIKE THAT.

YOU ARE JUST SAYING ALL THAT TO TRICK ME, AND IF THERE IS A GOD HE WONT WANT ME

I HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR. I HAVE SPENT A LONG TIME TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT TO BLAME.

DONT YOU TELL ME I NEED TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS

GO AWAY

[pip]

Thanks for writing that.

You are right.

Pip

x

[calyps]

all of our scientific understanding we have so far points to a 'divine creator'.

It is humanity's arrogance that says 'we know who is responsible, we know who to praise'.

I think Hinduism makes more sense- they say instead of praising some 'not here' god being for the beauty of the earth, why not celebrate the beauty of the earth (which is tangible, we can see and believe in this)

I was in therapy with a born-again christian- to be honest, I can't see that living her devoted to god life made it any better for her. She still did all the stuff i do- so I feel that she's acting like a hypocrite.

And to the meaning of my post about this post...believing that we have to somehow atone for the way we feel, or pray for forgiveness, is detrimental to our recovery.

To be honest, i feel that this Jesus, his dad, or whomever, should be f*cking apologising to me! So we were put here, by 'Him' designed to think and feel everything we are meant to because, hey, it makes us human....why should I apologise for something I never chose, but 'He' bestowed upon us?

I think of the film 'Dogma' - religion is a good idea...our failing is that we built a belief system out of it.

But as for religion itself- I can't condone anything that is responsible for so much suffering in the world.

If your god is as great as you say, and as forgiving as you would have us believe...how do you explain the other religions?

No-one has it right yet. All religion is tainted with human subjectivity, how bad we are, the wrong things we do. I can't help thinking religion itself was created as a way of enforcing (albeit moral) law.

But then, my mother is a pagan.

She dresses alternately in black and white (depending on the movement of the planets) and wears a pentacle.

We celebrated all equinoxes. We went wassailing in the forest. I embrace mother earth, the cycles that exist within it and give life.

But hey, if devoting yourself to an entire religion works for someone, it's cool, I'm not going to stand in the way.

Des is now a happier person, with peace.

I am not here to judge how he/she got the peace.

what i do take offense to is the 'all you have to do is this' philosophy. I didn't put up with it in therapy, I'm not putting up with it here. I don't need to be made to feel so stupid.

I want to say 'do you know how many times I have prayed to the Lord to ease my suffering?'

I don't need to know that the reason he hasn't answered my call is because I am a bottom feeder leaching off the foulness of humanity.

K, I'm done now, I will go back to hiding in my hole.

[brassed2bits]

GOOD ON YOU CALYPS - YOU CAN SAY WHAT I MEAN SO MUCH MORE ELOQUENTLY.

THANKS PIP FOR YOUR SUPPORT

THOUGHT I WAS THE ODD ONE OUT. GETTING ANGRY OVER THIS.

I DONT WANT ANY GOD TO LOVE ME. ANYONE THAT WANTS TO LOVE ME JUST WANTS TOO MUCH OUT OF ME. I HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE.

DES SHOULD TAKE HIS RELIGION AWAY AND KEEP IT TO HIMSELF

[calyps]

I am very aware of the 'freedom of speech' thing.

Anyone wants to come on here and share how they made their life better is cool by me.

But I am sure there are enough of us here who can testament to how growing up in enforced religion did us no good.

I am happy for Des, he/she found somthing that helped. ( I apologise for not making Des an absolute 'He'- I have known a Desdemona in my time.)

Just get pissed off that it's perfectly acceptable to spout 'god speaK' because that what humanity 'needs'.

[ladyluck28]

Hi Des: What you wrote was very nice, but I'm not going to get into it..take care..

[samsung]

i think everybody is entitled to post what they want to.

if you are not into religious stuff... and it says clearly *trigger religious* then dont open the thread.

it is childish to get angry about a thread that somebody ment for good... especially if there is a warning..

dont open the bloody thread then.

[brassed2bits]

Oi Rachel,

Dont get angry with me.

This is precisely why this sort of topic shouldn't be here - religion and politics cause trouble.

And I open all threads with an open mind. I am just stating my reaction to this one, which I am entitled to do.

Oh yes, and for being childish, well yep, thats me - childish, tempremental, difficult, emotional, easily confused, up and down and up and down, insecure, frightened and 1000s of similar things you all relate to.

No wonder I reacted like I did then

[Holmstack]

I used to be a Catholic, but thank my own personal God, I've got better now.

More abuse and suffering has been carried out, and still is, in the name of of corrupt religions over the millenium than any evil entity could.

I know this from experience, not faith.

Regards,

Holm

[realscape]

There's just one problem with this thread. There is no god and all religions are myths to control the masses.

My mum was deeply religious and it featured heavily in her decline into manic florid schizophrenic delusion which resulted in her being sectioned for the best part of 20 years. Along with many other 'religious' persons in the secure units might I say.

So, by religious logic God CAUSES mental illness rather than cures it.

Here's a light hearted side track.

Q: Why couldn't the dyslexic guy sleep at night?

A: He was tossing and turning wondering if there really was a Dog

[flora]

Des,

Thank you for posting. I am not angry or offended by it. I was a Christian once, I truly believed. I felt God with me in everything I did. I prayed as i walked to work.....while i worked....in the pub....in bed at night.

I can see that you wanted to share with others the faith that has transformed your life. Please don't be hostile towards Christians guys, Des was sharing his experience and has as much right to be here, I feel, as the rest of us. He is sharing something that turned his life around. You might not share his views but please respect them, the same as anybody else's.

We have all sinned. Don't tell me you have never done anything wrong. We all have to take responsibility for our actions. That doesn;t mean beating ourselves up. Or thinking we're bad.

Religion, it's true gets distorted in the minds of people who are suffering from psychotic illnesses. That's incredibly sad. So do the world wars. It doesn;t mean they didn;t happen, or that they are responsible for the illness.

I have a question for Des, if you're still there. I want to be a Christian. I want to feel God in my life again but I can't. I have asked him into my life, I have begged him to let me feel him again. Yet I can't feel him now. There is no unconfessed sin, or anything, in the way, I admit it all and give it to him - but I doubt, I am not convinced he is there and hears me.

PS. Some of your hostility to Christians has made ME feel unwelcome here and rejected, as a Christian with BPD.

Also, just wanted to give you my views on the heaven and hell issue. My views, that's all. My dad did those things to me too.

We don;t know who will go to heaven and who will go to hell. I personally don't believe people who commit suicide go to hell. I don;t believe a loving God would turn his back on someone when they needed him most.

What I would say is that we don't decide who has been forgiven, who was truly sorry, etc. If we're christian, we just have to trust what is said in the bible, that God is a fair and just God. We don't know what happens but it will be right.

Just my views - don;t shout mat me because i really can't take it.

[ladyluck28]

I have my kids in a catholic school because I want them to learn about religion and so on..i don't feel ashamed to say that i'm a catholic or anything..i just don't push my religion on anyone and say that they have to believe..to each his or her own.. that's what i say..

[Lifetrap Queen]

Wow Des, what a debate you have started....

No one should be shut out of this service especially if they have some advice that MAY help people.

I grew up with a mother who was severely mentally unwell. She spent her years experimenting with most religions. I even did a stint growing up in a buddhist temple - this was my personal favourite.

I don't beleive in a god that most churches portray. I do believe in something.

Faith has helped many people and I am so extremely happy for them. Anybody who has recovered from a mental illness, regardless of how should be able to share their ideas.

Good luck Des , I truly hope your faith keeps working for you.

Flora - big hugs to you.