I Need To Help Someone...

[bgeis1]

Geetings to all!

I strayed across these forums quite accidentally, and I must confess I've never heard of "BPD"... but after reading a couple posts and watching the intro on the homepage, I think I may be in the right place (and the Peter Gabriel music just sealed the deal, my personal favorite).

I am searching for some help for my xwife. She has told me on several occasions that she needs help but can't afford it. After she had a severe, almost hysterical crying episode yesterday and admitting again that she needs help, I fear the situation is rapidly getting worse and I must intervene somehow, and get her the help she needs.

After 7 years of marriage, and 1 child, I quite accidentally discovered that she was having an affair with her boss and that she was even exposing our 2 year old son to this affair (ouch). She was really living a dual life. I would have told you I was a happily married man the day before I discovered this. She had never expressed any marital problems or unhapiness to me, we never argued, had plenty of money, new cars, 2 homes, a beautiful perfect 2 year old little boy, and no worries, life was good (I thought).

Before I confronted her I had a private investigator confirm my fears.

I told her I knew everything and I wanted to try to save our marriage... she denied it all.

I took her to a marriage counselor... she lied through it all. The adultery continued the very next day.

I had to divorce her, and it cost her her son.

That was one year ago. Until now I had just figured it was a bad marriage or an incompatability, or me (although I was a very good husband & father). But now I think it's much more.

This is what I have observed:

1. She is a habitual liar, to everyone, including her own parents and friends - nothing is sacred. She will lie for no reason. She will lie even when there no possible way to get away with it. She will even lie about injuries to our son (she sees him 2 days a week). I knew she had a problem telling the truth from the beginning, but I had no idea how bad it was.

2. There always seems to be new crisis or problem in her life, mostly people related. I always thought it was just bad luck, but she has left a long trail of enemies and bad outcomes in her wake.

3. She has had 5 different jobs in the last 6 months, all of which she has been in trouble or fired from. One of them even for theft (although she told me weeks later she quit because it interfered with her child visitation!). Again, this has been a pattern, 9 different jobs total in 8 years. But now it's accelerating.

4. She often appears to be on the virge of tears, but could turn defensive or unresponsive instantly. Extreme mood swings. She will forget important discussions & events or avoid having them all together. This is getting worse as well.

5. Substances: I believe she has a pre-disposition for alcoholism, 1 drink and she will break out in a rash almost like an allergic reaction. I don't know how much she drinks but it most certainly played a role in the adultery. And after she was served with the suprise divorce papers she uttered "my head is spliting, I need a drink" I don't think she even realized she said it out loud. However, I haven't actually seen her drunk. Several years ago she had been prescribed "Xannax" for panic attacks or anxiety. During the divorce I found a 100 or more of these pills in her car and those were prescribed to someone else.

6. She admits she is "self-destructing".

7. She admits she needs help.

8. She has no one to give her quality advice.

9. She is stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic, says she wants out but doesn't know how to end it.

10. She has lost almost everything, she can't even support herself.

Other Background Info:

1. She is 38 years old.

2. Her parents have 5 marriages between them and only 1 is still married.

3. Her mother was recently diagnosed suicidally depressed and put into treatment.

4. She grew up economically disadvantaged.

5. She told me once that her uncle "practically raped her" when she was 15 but no one believed her.

I guess my questions are:

How can I help and support her? What kind of help does she need?

Could this be BPD? or something else? or nothing at all?

How concerned should I be for her safety?

How concerned should I be for my son's safety while he's in her care?

I want her to have a positive relationship with our son but it's almost impossible to trust her or her judgement.

I am open to any ideas or input, and willing to answer any questions best I can.

Thank you in advance,

From a concerned newbie,

Bob G.

[calyps]

Hey Bob G,

Ok, so she admits there is a problem, which is a good start. Unfortunately she needs to be seeing a professional in order to get a diagnosis (cos, yeah, it's that easy). You can't tackle this by yourself. I strongly urge you to strongly urge her to take that step and get some help. Sorry if I'm a bit clueless about the whole paying for treatment thing, I am a user of the good ole NHS. I don't really have any other advice, you need a starting off point to work from, once you know what is wrong it'll be easier to find info you need to be able to help. It is really nice that you care and want to help.

[Tory]

Hi,

Welcome to the site. I agree with eirianwen she needs some proffessional help, only a proffessional can diagnose and i think she needs the help. You need to support her to help and i dont know bout safety because i dont know her or how she is with your son. If you are worried bout her safety u need to get her help asap. Sorry i dont have any miracle answers.

Take care and i hope she finds help she needs.

Tory

[lostsoul]

I agree. You need to get her to see someone, even if it isn't BPD. You could start with her Gp, or yours, for advice. Or you could phone a psychiatrist or psychotherapist straight out of the yellow pages/directory/ check out internet therapist directories.

The lying is worrying and may be a symptom of something else entirely..it could be a feature of a disorder in itself or it could be that she is just using it as a safety catch because she cannot deal with the truth..ie that she is unable to cope so she leaves a job, for example. She would rather lie about why she left rather than admit she is falling apart. This of course cannot go on forever...she will either break down completely or admit the problem and seek help. The alcoholism probably isn't helping with the mood issues. She could maybe see an AA group about this.

If her mother is suicidal there is a strong chance she has genetically inherited some form of depression which has been enforced by environmental issues. Perhaps your split with her has triggered latent insecurities about partnerships (seeing as her parents have been married several times). She certainly sounds worse now than when you were together. It is often true that people with instability issues can seem quite ok until a crisis throws them headfirst into something they didn't anticipate and feel they cannot cope with their problems anymore by simply pretending they are not there.

I think you are right to be concerned for her safety and your son's safety - anyone with a serious alcohol problem and mood disorder will raise concerns, but if she has not harmed herself or your son before then it is probably unlikely...you said something about lying about your son's injuries though, which made me think, huh? Do you suspect she has been hurting him then?

Anyway, that's all I have to say. Take care and good luck.

XX

[fairytales817]

Sounds to me like a tricky situation. If you want my 2 cents worth (which, unfortunately, is about all it is), I'll give it.

First of all, it's really nice that you care so much for this woman that you are trying to help her so much. I would think that would be comforting to her. Even if she can't or won't thank you, I'll say thank you for her. When dealing with a problem like this, having someone care like you do is a big advantage.

Secondly, it doesn't seem like nothing at all. As for is is *something*? ... my only guess is, yeah. It doesn't *seem* like nothing. I can't really say, of course. I'm seeing this completly outside of the situation, and as everyone who's posted before me has said, only a professional can diagnose. We are, in no way, professionals. But don't worry, you're not making a big deal out of nothing or anything like that.

Thirdy, yes, I would get her help. I think you should. How? I don't know, but she's obviously asking you for help. Are you willing to help her get it? I know the feeling of being helpless because I CAN'T get help and I need it. If she admits she needs it, chances are she really does.

Be strong. It's not an easy thing to deal with from her side or your side. Keep in touch; we're here for you. Sorry I couldn't give you 3 cents worlth. :P

[bgeis1]

Thank you all for your kind words and support!

I believe progress has been made.

I saw my x yesterday and gave her info on our local mental health clinic and she showed me that she already had a psychiatrist's phone number that a co-worker had recomended. She called and made an appointment. I told her not to worry about money and that I would pay for any help she needed. I also told her not to worry about her other financial obligations that were child support related. She thanked me and sobbed uncontrollably.

eirianwen & tory111: Is diagnosis really that easy? What can I expect time wise, do you think it will take days, weeks, or months to find out what's wrong? This is all very new to me.

Claire: I don't believe she has or would intentionally harm our son, I think it's been more of a poor supervision situation and minor injuries. I agree with your theory about her mother & the genetics/environment factor.

fairytales817: Your advice has helped me the most. Thank you. I was afraid that I could be making a big deal of nothing. After the year I just had, I find myself seriously lacking in the "self-confidence" area. So your "2 cents" actually turned out to be priceless! Thank you. I shall continue to be strong. And don't worry about that extra penny... I have a feeling there will be more opportunities for us to exchange such payments and I'm already in your debt.

I will keep posting to this thread as my "tricky situation" unfolds.

Thanks again to everyone.

Bob G.