A Question For Girlies - Mixed Group, Have You Been In One?

[realscape]

Hi everyone

I am wondering.

Have you been in mixed male and female group psychoanalysis? Was the analyst perhaps male? How do you feel about that? Would you have preferred (given the choice) to be in a female only group?

Do you feel that you are able to discuss things relating to abuse or sexual issues or womens issues or gender issues freely with a male therapist or with men in the group? Do you think you would be able to discuss things more freely in a female only environment?

The reason for these questions is because recently I met with the male group analyst of the group I was offered. Instantly I realised that there was no way I wanted a male therapist. It felt kind of sexist, like man in charge of hysterical women. Also, I have a lot of traumatic sexual and sexual health issues from the past that I don't feel comfortable discussing with anyone but I definitely wouldn't want to discuss with men. I don't think men can understand from a womans point of view how things feel regarding rape, pregnancy, abortion, periods, etc. I am a bit of a man hater at the present time. I don't really want to share my problems with men. I think women have a specific set of problems in life which emanate from living in such a sexist society -despite feminism we are still second class citizens- and that men would never know how that feels. I feel strongly that as women we need to listen to and empathise with each other and empower each other from our own sex. Maybe I'm too hardcore in my thinking?

And not forgetting this site is run by Josh, so men can't be all THAT bad.

[samsung]

i have the same feelings like you real.

i have a pdoc and i have seen him a year and a half now. and i still cant trust him and tell him about serious stuff.

[jai]

Real, ditto, i have a male therapist and he does nt do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, but i know i stop short most of the time of saying things that are about specifically sexual stuff. Its one of those learning curves i guess. Maybe being able to trust a man to say it in the first place is part of the healing process. Well, that is my hope on this issue. I can totally understand how it would make you feel more than uneasy, is this something you can discuss further with the lady you saw last week maybe?

[realscape]

Rachel and Jai

I suspected people would feel the same as me. Unfortunately the way I stomped out of meeting and the way I left it was a bit final and so there is a lot of ground to cover before I can go see her again (if ever).

[samsung]

real... there is so many other help out there...

[mrs tree]

I have had male and female Therapists....The first was a woman and useless and with sexual issues she seemed to keep pushing me to talk about stuff i didn't want to...In main house you have both male and female therapists and i think i got something different from both sexes...

My current T is male and although i still feel horribly uncomfortable talking about it the way he reacts makes it easier to talk about than with anyone else i have been in therapy with....He never seems shocked and just talks about it like it is an everyday subject..When i started all this scehma therapy stuff he offered me the option to see a female t in view of having to talk about s.abuse but felt that i trusted him to not do anything damaging where if i had to meet a new female T i may not feel the same.

I was also in a post main house group and at the time i joined there were 2 other men in the group and 2 staff if they were all male it freaked me out..

I guess in general i think it depends on the person for me.My abuse was by both genders( although the s.abuse was men) i don't know if that is why i just don't trust people rather than men

Mrs Tree

[Vorpalblade]

There are men in my DBT group, oh in fact there anret anymore, but there used to be, however DBT is a bit different to that kinda group.

My pdoc is male.....does anyone have a female pdoc????????

All the rest of my careteam are female, unless you include lil Joshie

[abbynormal]

Real,

My current therapist is a male. I have had bunches of each. I found that when I shared hard stuff with women they reacted too much.. either shocked or mad etc and that didn't help. Other male therapists were just too hard to talk to except the one I have now. If I find it hard to say he helps me and acts like its no big deal. I have a very hard time trusting and he has figured me out, so I think it is the person.....not the gender. Good luck.

Abby

[mrs tree]

I have a female pdoc.I have had 7 different pdocs 6 male ( yes and they wonder why i have abandonment issues )...not sure that makes much difference to me either no doc is worth trusting...The perinatal pdoc i am going to see is also female also

Mrs Tree

[lostsoul]

real, not suggesting that you are doing this, but... in matters such as these, would it matter what other people thought? perhaps you are 'just curious', or, maybe you ask because you are insecure about how you are feeling and are looking for some direction?

i would have thought that perhaps what is important here is to deal with your distrust of men, or dislike of male therapists i should say, so that you can properly deal with your issues in some sort of therapy. if you don't feel comfortable with a male therapist, then don't have one. to heck with whether we all love men and think you're a wolly (which we don't by the way, but so what if we did?) = the point is, that YOU don't feel comfortable with male therapists, and from what you say about your past, i can well understand why.

i had a session with my dbt t today.. we were talking about accepting your emotions. my habit has been to fight against that, often by sidelining myself with an arguement about whether i was justified in feeling what i was feeling. this was just a way of saying - i think i feel something, but i'm so unconfident in what i feel, that i'm going to argue the case for feeling it. if i can argue it out, and get 'rational' support for my feelings, then maybe i'll allow myself such and such an emotion after-all. if i can't argue in support, then i won't allow myself to feel that emotion. all of which ignores the fact that you were feeling it anyway, and feeling it for a reason.

anyway. those were my thoughts when i read your post. i would like to see you in therapy with someone you can talk to, simple as that. i know as someone with avpd that you are expert in finding ways to put things off - i hope that this issue about male or female therapists is not one of them, becuase like all of us, therapy would do you good i'm sure. so here's to female therapists! yey!

ps i don't feel like a second class citizen. but then i have not lived your life. if men had abused me and i was powerless to stop it, then i would prolly feel very different. but i know your comment was a societal one - perhaps it is just true that our individual experiences colour our interpretations of what is happening more 'globally'. i would want to see what happened to you as something that happened to you as an individual - because it doesn't happen to ALL women everywhere. i dunno. my head hurts now. i've written far too much. but i always enjoy your debates and your posts.

hope you're ok just now.

c u later xx love, losty xx

[realscape]

Thanks Lost

I take your points. I know in my own self that I don't want a male therapist. As soon as I walked in the room I wanted back out. It didn't help he has the same first name as my dad, and looks like my dad when he was younger. Not to mention the 'office' looked more like a police holding cell due to the long thin-ness of it and the wee small bed jammed up against the wall (I assume a therapy couch) which had yellow sheet and blue flowering pillow on it. Exactly the same as my bedding when I was a kid. So, here I was, trapped in a long thin holding cell with a man who looks like my dad 30 years ago but a bit smaller and a bed that looks just like my bed 30 years ago but a bit smaller. How fucking sinister is that. I felt like Alice in Wonderland imprisoned in her distant past. Paranoia went all over the place on that one until I realised it was all a big coincidence. How strange though.

Anyway, I don't want a male therapist. But the Tavistock only has mixed groups. I don't want a mixed group either but I've walked out on all my therapists now. I don't have one. I don't any support or future options. How very typical and destructive of me. How very BPD and AvPD all in one go. I no longer trust my own judgement, although I always go with my intuition. My intuition told me get the hell out of the room with male therapist. But having never been in mixed group, or any group, I dunno about that. I'm trying to get clues. Even if I wanted to go in mixed group I will have to go grovel cap in hand asking for it and apologise and reverse my very final walkout on Cons Psych the other day. She said she would leave door open but I told her I was closing it. I was very convincing. I convinced meself. I should be a method actor or something.

When I go with my emotions, I end up alone. All my behaviours are based on ensuring I stay alone. I like being alone. I truly do. I could easily be a total hermit and live on a small island in the hebrides or something. But I keep getting told this is wrong thinking, unhealthy, etc. Plus I have a fuckload of other problems that remain unworked through. Anway, losty, thank for your thoughts, I appreciate.

[lostsoul]

yes, i would be alone too if i went with all my emotions, which is where dbt's opposite action thingy has rather saved my bacon (phew)... being around others isn't so bad so long as you can find some comfortable ground with them. i think that's only achieved though when you're really honest about who you are with these other, at least for now,'fictitious people', who we call 'them'. when i decided that i was going to be honest about who i was when first meeting people, and with my existing friends, that was a big shift that created lots of positive karma. i no longer had to hide anything. if people fucked off cos they didn't like me then they fucked off. i wouldn't want to know someone who didn't like me anyway would i? to my utter astonishment, people didn't run away. in fact i was all of a sudden twice as appealing. i relaxed, so they relaxed. dear god, why am i going on about this? fuck. sorry mate - i'm a bit tired. yeah - the avpd thing. shit, anyway...

doh doh. that room sounds freaky. i think you did the right thing in that instance. why did you leave the other t's? i did that with all my t's too - whatever you did, nice and vague lol - until the dbt one i'm with right now. this is a total record for me. 8 months! wowee! i reckon sometimes it's not easy to know whether you're leaving cos of avpd or leaving because you really honestly think they're just crap and incapable. don't know how you figure that out.

oh god i have to go i'm soooooooooooooooo tired. will prolly come back to this tomorrow.

sleep tight. don't let the disorders bite.

x losty x