verbena Posted October 23, 2004 Report Share Posted October 23, 2004 CHAT? I've been waiting 15 minutes!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 23, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2004 O.K. Never the fuck mind... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jo Posted October 23, 2004 Report Share Posted October 23, 2004 sorry ver! didnt see you in chat till just then live support is online at the moment if you want to chat to a BPDWORLD volunteer, or go bak in chat and im sure ppl will join you! hope everythings ok, take care, jo xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua Posted October 23, 2004 Report Share Posted October 23, 2004 verbena can we take a breathe please, its not chat on demand and i dont want any member feeling pressured to go to chat. as mentioned i have provided live support for you all which is online a lot. Take care and chill please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 23, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2004 Everything is not O.K. Everything is empty and sad and I have not one person who understands, because they say I look O.K., and don't act like the world is going to end, but to me, it is ending. I don't want to do things that I know will get their attention, but it's so hard to have them look at me and say I look fine when inside is screaming and tearing apart. I see why BP's do the crazy things they do - because that's the only way people will listen. I have to go home now. I'll try to see you guys tomorrow. Please think of me like I always promise to think of you when you're down. Wish I didn't have to leave, but really maybe I'll feel better if I get out of this office and go try to work out. Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jo Posted October 23, 2004 Report Share Posted October 23, 2004 ((((((((((((ann))))))))))))))) im sorry it seems so empty and sad atm, I know how horrible it is to look ok and feel so bad, probably most ppl here do. We are all here to support you, to do our best to understand. hope things get better soon, and the work out helps (fast walking does for me!) if you ever want to chat just call us in live support, take care, jo xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted October 24, 2004 Report Share Posted October 24, 2004 (((((verbena))))) i know its hard, try to hang on, it will pass. take care flippy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cooler Posted October 24, 2004 Report Share Posted October 24, 2004 Everything is not O.K. Everything is empty and sad and I have not one person who understands, because they say I look O.K., and don't act like the world is going to end, but to me, it is ending. I don't want to do things that I know will get their attention, but it's so hard to have them look at me and say I look fine when inside is screaming and tearing apart. I see why BP's do the crazy things they do - because that's the only way people will listen. I have to go home now. I'll try to see you guys tomorrow. Please think of me like I always promise to think of you when you're down. Wish I didn't have to leave, but really maybe I'll feel better if I get out of this office and go try to work out. Ann <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hi Verbena, Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. For you and my other new friends here, I need to say that I haven't contributed in a chat room before and I am lacking confidence about doing that. I've seen some chat rooms where people all jokey, like it's another language, but I guess it's more genuine here. I certainly hope so. Re your post. I know about what your feeling. If it's any consolation I think it's a positive thing that people are saying you look good. When I have been really down, people have said they can see it on me, and I hated that. I always like to put a good face onto the world, no matter how I'm feeling. I hope your work out helped. Good luck Cooler :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twilight Posted October 24, 2004 Report Share Posted October 24, 2004 (((((((((ann)))))))) Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. I'm thinking of you hun. I know where you're at. Please take care xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pidge Posted October 24, 2004 Report Share Posted October 24, 2004 hang in there ver!!!! im always in chat when i come here, although its not very often aymore!! but i think of you guys all the time!!! (((((ver))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2004 I have been trying very hard to cool off and just graciously thank everyone for their support, but I am seething at Joshua for some reason...maybe it's an authority issue. In any case, I do appreciate the support and kind words...I am sorry that I put anyone in the position of feeling they needed to explain themselves...or put "pressure" on anyone...I know I can be demanding, but I am not demanding for the fun of it. When I ask for help it's because I really need it, not because I want to see you all jump, whether anyone believes that or not. I have tried to be straight with everyone when I am posting in support of them, and I am no different when I am asking for help. Pisses me off that I feel the need to explain myself...I don't feel that I ask for help that often. Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshua Posted October 24, 2004 Report Share Posted October 24, 2004 Hi ver, i didnt reliase the reasons you wanted a chat. It didnt seem to mention you needed support just go to chat. I do apoligise for my message but it was written with the information i had at the time. I do urge you in future should you need to speak to someone asap to use live support. It is for exactly this situation. I hope you feel better soon (((((hugs)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 24, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2004 Yeah, you know what? I did click on the live support, and I clicked on the area I wanted to talk about, and I don't remember what happened next. Either I didn't think anyone was there, or didn't want to wait, I don't know. I do know it was right now or forget it. I do know that I wasn't going to wait for anything yesterday. It isn't over yet, but at least I'm not feeling quite as hateful as I did. Just going to church this morning put me into tears. I just fucking cannot get back into the swing of my life. I can't understand why therapy makes me worse, I don't understand why the Wellbutrin isn't helping, I don't know what I have to do to get help. I go to work, I take care of things at home, though not very well anymore, I do everything I did before, only not as fast or as well. But people think that's good enough, because before I worked above and beyond and now I work and live half ass, like they all do, so they think I'm O.K. The one rescue fire I have going that seems to be helping is my weight loss. My MD is concerned with that, so if I can keep losing, maybe they will wake up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted October 24, 2004 Report Share Posted October 24, 2004 Verbena.. keep trying the live supports. sorry everything has turned to crap.. but you know it will change again. maybe see your doc about a med eval with possible change. sometimes they just quit doing what they used to do.. and sometimes its just head stuff you have to go thru bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 25, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2004 Verbena.. ....and sometimes its just head stuff you have to go thru... bets <{POST_SNAPBACK}> And sometimes it's just Ann being a complete jackass...as I have told you all before, you are sometimes all that keeps me going, and that probably isn't the best way for me to be, because if there isn't anyone there IMMEDIATELY , I don't bother to try to take care of myself, but rage on you all instead. It was a bad weekend, not because of anything bad that happened - I should tell you that I have a great outward life, a good job, a good husband, grown children far enough away and independent enough not to worry me, close knit rural area - it's just inside me. I have been reading a book called "Handbook of Borderline Disorders". It is a big (744 pages) hardcover, written for professionals by Daniel Silver, M.D., and Michael Rosenbluth, M.D. . If you can get one from your library, do (ISBN 0-8236-2290-8). It is over my head a bit, but using the subject index, I was able to find a reference to something called the "Apparently Competent Person Syndrome", which satisfies my frustration with everyone saying I look fine at times. It explains to me that I am not imagining being a wreck alone in my car or office, or at night after he's gone to sleep, crying my heart out. It explains how I can go to work and do pretty well except when I'm in my office or the bathroom sobbing. It explains that in fact it is possible to sit in the therapist's office and appear to be in control, although there is a storm inside my head, and the skies open up as soon as I leave and get into my car. It was good for me to read these things, and not wonder whether my feelings have been real or not. It says: "The apparently competent person syndrome is the polar opposite of the active-passivity syndrome and refers to the tendency of borderline patients to appear deceptively competent. The deception is that the very real competencies of the individual do not generalize across all relevant situations and across different mood states. For example, the person may be appropriately assertive in work settings but unable to produce assertive responses in intimate relationships. Or, the individual may appear very competent interpersonally, all the while experiencing extreme distress privately. Impulse control while in the therapist's office may not generalize to settings outside his or her ofice. Thus, there is the frequent experience of the patient who seems to feel good, or at least in control, leaving the office only to end up in the emerbency room for parasuicide several hours later." I don't usually post such long pieces, but I do want to apologize to everyone who read my negative stuff, and especially to Joshua who didn't deserve to be made a target. It has gotten better, but I don't really know where to go from here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted October 25, 2004 Report Share Posted October 25, 2004 verbena, thx for the post. i think i am also that competent person syndrome thingy you were talking about... altho i have the extreames where i crash and am as far from competent as you can get. dont appologize for sharing... no matter how long the post is. i think you helped me see some things and maybe helped others. sorry things are so bad for you now. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jo Posted October 25, 2004 Report Share Posted October 25, 2004 Ver, like bets sed, thnx for the post and the book info, don’t be sorry for long posts- its what we’re here for! understand that before was a bad day- we all get them lol, glad it’s got a bit better now, hope it continues, carry on posting! see you around, take care, jo xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted October 25, 2004 Report Share Posted October 25, 2004 apparent competency has got me all kinds of jobs i had to leave because i had a breakdown of confidence in my actual competency. thanks for sharing: it is an interesting take. i hope you are feeling better. sorry no-one was around in chat. i can relate. last couple of days have been awful and when i have popped into chat there's been no-one. sometimes its ok and you can hadle it, sometimes that's not the case. don't give up on chat tho', i'm not! know that's not a very convincing arguement, but if i was good at those i'd be a lawyer or something, and i wouldn't be so sodding poor. love n hugs ver. :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted October 25, 2004 Report Share Posted October 25, 2004 Claire, have you tried live supports. it will tell you if an opperator is online to talk with you... you dont have to be in absolute crisis to use the support.. it's there for you no matter what you want to talk about. sorry i wasnt around to chat with you and verbena. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted October 25, 2004 Report Share Posted October 25, 2004 no i haven't. i don't want to get anyone worried so i just swallow what i'm feeling and do a post instead...feel like a burden otherwise! i will bear it in mind thos, thanks for the suggestion xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunset Posted October 25, 2004 Report Share Posted October 25, 2004 Verbena Thanks for the post. When I read it I burst into tears. The competent person syndrome discribes me perfectly. I think it's one of the main problems why I can't get well. Everyone thinks I'm fine and I can cope with anything when the truth is I can hardly cope at all.I feel like I'm imploding but I can put on such an act everyone thinks I'm fine. I think I learned to do this as a child, I wasn't permitted to show any distress or needs and if I did it was met negativly. I hardly ever cry, even with my therapist, so your post has not only given me insight but also given me some relief from the tension inside-----I always feel better when I do cry. Thanks again your post has helped me lots. Take good care of yourself, I hope you feel better soon. Juaier X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 26, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2004 More on the apparently competent thing- Two experiences in growing up are very, very common among borderline people. One is the experience of being seen as apparently competent. Because these people often are in fact very competent, very smart, sensitive, clever, insightful, it is extremely difficult for others to take them seriously when they collapse in despair at a minor frustration, burst into rage over nothing, make terrible errors of judgment. When a psychotic person acts that way, people are inclined to be sympathetic--"He can't help it"--but a borderline person is told, "It's not that bad." "Shape up--grow up--don't be such a wimp--you know better." Their behavior is often regarded as wilful, manipulative, "just looking for attention." The second experience is linked to that of being an apparently competent person--and that is the experience of being invalidated: "It can't be that bad." "Your headache--your PMS--your anxiety aren't any worse than anybody else's--why make such a fuss?" Being invalidated compounds the borderline person's self-hatred. The majority of cases of borderline personality that come to the attention of psychiatrists are women. We don't know why this is, but researchers speculate that it reflects the combined effect of more girls than boys being subjected to sexual abuse in childhood, and of the tendency of males to express emotional instability via violence toward others rather than via self-destructiveness. Borderline men, therefore, are more likely to show up in jails than in psychiatric hospitals or psychiatrists' offices. The Personality Disorders Institute Cornell Psychotherapy Program The New York Presbyterian Hospital - Westchester Division 21 Bloomingdale Road White Plains, New York 10605 E-Mail Us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted October 26, 2004 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2004 AND- Despite their extreme sensitivity and the severe emotional pain they live with, people with BPD seem to others to manifest irritating behavior rather than signs or symptoms associated with other mental illnesses. Generally high functioning, it is not unusual for a person with BPD to graduate from college or become a doctor or lawyer. Princess Diana and Marilyn Monroe were reputed to have suffered with BPD. They had the ability to "be apparently competent" that often leads loved ones and professionals to trivialize their profound suffering and to deny the appropriate recognition or care required by this painful and persistent illness. Professionals generally limit the number of BPD patients in their practice, refuse to treat them at all or drop them as "treatment resistant." Would a cancer or heart patient who fails to respond to treatment be treated this way? People with BPD seem to lack the ability to relieve the intense emotional pain they are constantly experiencing. Desperate for relief, their behavior can best be understood as maladaptive methods of coping with constant psychic pain. People with Borderline Personality Disorder, Suffering in the Shadows NEW YORK CITYVOICES: April/May 2002 By Valerie Porr, Founder, The Treatment and Research Advancements Association for Personality Disorder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloudyfox Posted October 26, 2004 Report Share Posted October 26, 2004 Verbena - I feel you could be describing me. Only the other day when I tried to talk about how I was feeling to someone, she said 'don't talk like that. You are far too strong to fall apart. We all feel that way sometimes but have to just get through it' or words to that effect. It made me feel as though I wasn't being taken seriously - I wanted to do something rash to prove that I wasn't strong inside but just appear that way to those around me. Thanks for those quotes - they've really helped me understand things better. Cloudy x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted October 26, 2004 Report Share Posted October 26, 2004 i was more than competent at work, it was the only place where i knew i was good, then i had a breakdown and have been off work for 18 months now im just useless Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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