Deeper, Underneath

[lostsoul]

The sea vomited, threw up its foamy arms

and spew. My eyes followed it, each endless eddy,

about the bay and scaffold of the pier. It caught the sky

upon its surface: grey–black circles trapped flat

upon each ripple’s back. I, not made of water,

felt the same motion, but sat as solids do, on earth’s edge.

Beneath the waves there is a stiller place,

where weed stands straight and does not sway.

The surface is like skin. I touch my arm, feel the sting

Of salt in open wounds, and deeper, the bruised heart’s

Throng. This is my ancient home. Shall I return?

Slip in between the waves and feel for mother.

My eyes found the sky, blinked at the rain.

So insignificant. So small. So tired of changing weather:

wind-whipped, sun-dried, cold frosted, drowned out.

As I stared into the day’s dark infinitude, I quite

Abandoned myself. Became obsessed with a memory

of my late grandma. I could not save her from the end.

Suddenly: endless gloom. I thought about drowning

and the hospital and the morgue

and the room at Chitty’s chapel where we found you

laid out in your coffin for our visit. Best suit. Beautiful.

Your fingers curled unnaturally like a claw. You

were a photograph of a person, too still. Too different.

It is another thing, death. It is unlike the dark,

unlike anything. It is my greatest fear, to walk through

that door as you did. I wanted to touch you one last time,

tried to kiss your forehead but on leaning down, stopped,

several times. I could not quite manage it.

And I thought, what a metaphor for my whole life.

And then I was back on my rock, with a solidity that

Betrays inside, where unlike the sea, I am in turmoil

Deeper, underneath.

[Alexa]

((((((Claire))))))

That was...touching :wub:

[lostsoul]

It was about

half past two when the police arrived

wanting to know why I needed help.

I told them I’d been the victim of abuse,

that I’d been thrown out into the corridor

by my loved one. Inquiring further,

I admitted why: he'd been doing crack

all evening, and I had tried to stop him.

We had wrestled together, me and him,

on the floor, in the bathroom, in the kitchen.

I held his hands behind his back, his straight-

jacket, gripping the towel rail with all the

strength I had as he pulled me towards the door.

It had gone on like this for two hours.

We had broken things: like the bond between us.

This wasn’t love. This was addiction.

To drugs, to love. He smashed my safe place.

I threw one of our mugs at him and then the wall.

All that time he defied me with saucer eyes

and shaking hands, scrabbling for the

last rock on the mirror like he was starving,

as if he’d die not to have it.

I fought for him. Begged him to feel for me.

Wished he'd understand why i was so upset.

I can still hear myself crying, rocking myself

back and forwards like some scared child,

breaking down into ever smaller pieces

of self, every part feeling weak, stupid and unlovable,

asking over and over, why am I here?

------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry y'all. I'm just having a bad day and i need to get all this off my chest.

[lostsoul]

I am your paper figure

waiting to be tidied.

Around the edges you

scissor scissor scissor.

Make me over until satisfied

with the shape: a true likeness

of yourselves. This is growing

up. This is encouragement.

You are my Gods and I, I am

your experiment. Will you

watch over me, take charge?

In part, you have done this -

gave me your eyes, your legs,

the same nose. Habits,

strengths, shortcomings.

Why couldn’t you just let me be?

Smile at me in your hands

not thinking, what can these hands do?

Banished dreams of artistry,

admired the newness of slate?

I am not my own life, I am your vision.

You made a bad head, reached inside

and pulled me out

to ridicule, entertain, marvel.

-----------------------------------------------------------

[twilight]

Claire I think its great you can express yourself so well through your poems. I thought the first one was particularly good and very touching. Thanks for sharing them. x