What Can & Can't I Control?

[phoenix_kid82]

I don't know if this is perceived or actual truth. I'm sure it is definate in some cases.

I feel like people think i'm weak, that i use a label as a crutch to stand on, or as a cop out when i don't want to take responsibility for my life.

I try so hard to be consistent and have order in my lifestyle (my room is soooooooo trashed) but sometimes i get weak and i really struggle to do anything. Sometimes, i simply can't do the simplest of things, things that people take for granted, things counted as part of a "normal" functioning person (whatever that is).

I do and say things that people don't understand. One night, i walked home from Kings Cross (i'm in Sydney) to Redfern (home of the riots). I wasn't doing it to get to anyone, i just did, because i walk everywhere, and i'm always offered lifts but i say "no" because i like to walk. I get told off for attention seeking and offending people or whatever, and they don't know why i do it.

I'm sick of being made out like this problem is in my mind, as if it's in my control, like somehow, i'm choosing to be sick or choosing to be a way that will make people think i'm weird.

I hate being told that i choose to be the way i am, that i choose to be suicidal or a victim of something i can help.

I was with my doctor the other day, i was telling her all this stuff, and she said something cool. She said i don't have to apologise or explain to anyone why i am the way i am, and i don't owe anything to anyone.

I just wish i had 1 clear cut problem, 1 clear cut solution, and a pamphlet saying "these are symptoms of this illness, so if you're experiencing this, it's okay, it's not you". But instead, i've got residual something of this, traits of that (traits of BPD and DID), and i'm still trying to come out of deeply ingrained depressed mindsets from when i had major D.

I would love to know what i can and can't help. All i know is that i do want to get better, i've been pursuing that since i realised i was sick, and i want to know how to give myself a break.

<sigh> i really had to get that off my chest. If you read all this, thanx, i hope i didn't pollute your mind with my crap.

Anyone else struggle with the stigma?

phoenix_kid82

[lostsoul]

Hi phoenix kid.

I have to say as I start this reply that today has not been a good day for me and i am not finding my words easily. I might not find them at all but i'll try...cos, i want to try.

Ok. Here goes. Big breath.

People probably think you are weak. But everyone is weak at something, right? This just happens to be your thing (and my thing. OUR thing).

It bloody sucks too. Be yourself and be proud. Ah god, listen to this crap. I hate giving good advice i can't even follow myself.

Actually i'm finding this the more i post. I say stuff i need to listen to. And you have heard this all before,, right?

Keeping it brief and non-preachy. Yes, i suffer from stigma as much as you and others. Chin up. I'm thinking of you.

XX

[Angela]

I know what you mean about thinking you have to explain yourself to everyone, like you owe them something. I often find myself appologizing for my illness. You should be proud that you realized something was wrong and are trying to help yourself, it isn't easy and I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they've got this thing or they are very close to someone who has.

You didn't polute me so have another sigh of relief, that's what we're here for, to support each other.

Take care,

Angela x x x

[flippy]

Yeah i know what you mean, but you've found us now so please keep on writing and we'll keep listening.

take care

flippy