jai Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Help...im feeling really paranoid, to put it on a scale, i have been reading the posts and checking out the new memebers and am thinking eveyone is an imposter!! sorry newbies no offence meant....I hate feeling like this, am i in the middle of something here? I am sooooo sorry i feel this way but had to register it, i felt like leaving the site this morning as i am not doing well and dont seem to be able to see things as real. Its mostly the new guys that are freaking me out...i know that sounds weird, i guess it goes back to my own fear of being found out. I do feel scared and i am afraid something really bad is going to happen to me. This is most of the time but just now it feels very uncomfortable...I hope i have nt offended anyone, Josh pleeeeeese dont be mad at me..im just feeling ickle and vulnerable today....trying hard to be helpful but think my posts suck and not sure what to do....can i still come here today, am i being followed through cyber space?gotta go now, thanks all for reading and pleeeeese forgive me if i have upset anyone, its not about that....its about being frightened.jai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiddi Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Jai,I hope you will be able to read my post(I dont know if I'm classed as a new member or not)I can understand about your paranoia,I often feel similar.I found that the safe way for me to stay on the site is for me to log in as anonymous,so no one knows its me.Please dont leave,try and find other ways to stay.You're right about paranoia is to do with being frightened.So this is the best place to stay.Can I sit next to you,and we can be paranoid together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 OI, JAII know what you mean.Everyone seems to have gone.Everyone is newBut we were new too once and now we know people.I am here - mad as everHope you feel better nowIt is raining here - yuckno suntan today!!!!!!!Remember to spend the day doing nothing!!!Pipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 You want me to hold your hand today babe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted July 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Yes to hand holding and sitting by my side, just went for a dog walk and topped it off complaining to the neighbour about last nights party...she apologised ingenuisly but i accepted it, pointing out that the council do have times registered for when music and the general loudness of parties should be taken inside....otherwise, feeling a bit angry and irritable today, why do i feel so alone when it comes to asking others to do the right thing? even my bf thinks i should nt have said anything incase of repercussions, i just said yes and now we are a gutless country with great things in place to protect children, assist adults and help communities the crux of any of it working is people phoning and reporting and registering that something is wrong in the first place..how did we all get to be so fucking scared?sorry rant over, i guess today is going to be a bit rough ...not so busy but definately not so good....the sun is shining and i should feel better but i guess on top of my paranoia, 8 hours of party people just about did my noodle in last night, the only way i could sleep was by taking pain meds and sleepers at the same time....fuck themsorry....now you see , i should nt be posting todayjaix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 JaiPost and rant and rantIts better out than you simmeringPhone the police next partyThey won't know it was youPipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 oh bummer bout the party! i hate it when nieghbours have parties, especially when i havent been invited!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 jai,you did the right thing and it sounds like she accepted it well. you solved a problem with out having to involve the police. i think you did it great!bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted July 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 thanks bets, pip, bladeystill feeling fragile and irked i suppose best describes it, bf got me feeling more paranoid talking about repercussions.....not being funny but we spend all his income on living here cos its meant to be a nice area!! I would nt mind but are nt nightclubs the place to go to hear music at that volumn? anyhow, yes i am hopeful she took it well and am guessing whilst they may not like it they won't let it happen again.I was reflecting that at our old addy our upstairs neighbours asked us to turn the music down twice and i remember feeling awful that we had caused them any distress....i pointed this out to bf and said surely people should respond with utter remorse not think of ways of getting back at you for stating the bleeding obvious..he agreed so i kind of felt better when i thought about it...and infact out old upstairs neighbours became ppl i could rely on and trust...so...if this lot go on the offensive i guess that will be their choice entirelythanks again eveyonejaix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 you are so right jai. i for one would rather hear from my neighbor than have the police knocking at my door.bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 JaiTake it easyWe are all here for youPipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted July 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 thanks (((((((pip)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trace Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Oh Jai, My mouth dropped as I read all your posts today. Firstly I accused everyone on a recovery site I post on a yr ago of being not who they say they are. Thinking back now I don't know who I thought they were meant to be, I didnt' think it that far through, all I knew was I felt threatened because they seemed to be doing ok and I struggling. I guess I only felt those that were in pain like I was at that time could possibly be "real". I do still get a little paranoid also when new people come onto the site I post on, I feel they are going to take something away from me. What that something is, I also haven't thought through enought. Your worry about reprecussions is also a biggy for me. Most times when neighbours put music on, I end up curled up like a baby on my bed. Afraid that the hell I am in will last forever and that no one else is suffering but myself, I look around at the rest of my family and they seeem to be handling it well, but me? Ppfftt my world comes to a halt. I do keep trying to work on this but my mind just goes into overtime. I just feel so powerless and victimised I think just like when I was a child and no one was there to help me. Maybe thats the connection? I really don't know, but I feel such a whimp when I feel this way and angry that I can't tolarate others just living their lifes, I need to be in control of the whole world and I just can't be, its not possible but the child in me doesnt understand that. Anyways I just wanted to let you know your not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted July 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 thanks Tracestill feeling angry and upset, i hear you, but really felt as the peeps last night were affecting the evening for the 13 households around them that there were more ppl involved than me, the guy immediately next door was heard swearing and slamming his windows and doors shut..i think they may have recieved more than one complaint to be honest.the paranoia, is just that i get so scared that i am being toyed with, does that make sense, probably not, my abuser used to love doing things like telling me school friends had been killed in car accidents on Saturday morning knowing full well that i would nt be able to find out otherwise til Monday..this amongst other stuff he did scared me to death and made me really anxious about the reality of everything...even down to my cat disappearing and him saying she was dead.....my toitoise went missing and was never returned, my dolls tortured, my belongs rifled through , my sexuality humiliated out of me by him thinking my first bra was a source of family amusement, then periods ect i could go on and on....i was bullied and ridiculed for the very things that i am...a woman and then on top of that all that i loved was destroyed , accompanied by the practicle jokes that were nt that funny, and the invasion of my privacy...i fear so much because of him . I hate the thought that he or anyone would set me up again in that way. So for me it is easier to be alone, trusting people is very hard for me as a result and i still hide things in boxes around the house and when i go out put my diaries under the matress.....my personal stuff is on display much more now, but its taken years to get out of the habit of having a floor board to hide it under or a safe place...anyhow, i got off the point a bit there, but paranoia and the source abuse was nt just from him, so i have trouble with everything i guess...thanks again trace though, your post made sense to me..the whole feeling scared to open my mouth thing has dogged me for years...part of me gets so afraid i stammer, always in therapy and have started doing it a home, my bf nearly took the piss once but i gave him a warning on that front...ie dont or go!! i should go nowlovejaix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 (((Jai)))We are herePipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted July 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 thank you Pipsorry today is not a good day for me, not feeling like much use just nowxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 JaiLet me cheer you up..........It is winter here!!!It is pouring rain (torrential)It is thunder and lighteningNO SUN!!!I can't sunbatheThe day should be cancelled-but i did a washing and dishwasheraren't I good?Am now lying down!!!!!!!!Take carePipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trace Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Jai, Yes sorry after I posted I realised it looked like i was saying the neighbours noise wasn't anything to bother anyone else, I didnt mean that, I had crossed over into my thinking as I wrote. Of course you had a right too complain I also suffer with fear off reprecussions is what I was meaning to say. I hear you on the trust issue. I wont bore you with my life details but too do not trust and wouldn't know how to I think. My trust was broken at a very young age also.Anyways hope you feel better soon.((hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabitha Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Jai, sorry i not been around my server been down. Hope you not paranoid because of things we shared, because i know i'm reletively new and some of your parts like mine will feel threatened about what we share. You know some are tellers and some are secretkeepers, and some are paranoid that everyone will find out if you tell. But i would hate it if you left this site, the things you've shared have been invaluable to me and it is scarey, but i haven't had anyone else i've been able to exchange these experiences and so identify with you and Abbey. If ever i say anything at all that makes you uncomfortable please tell me, i can take it. i wouldn't want to make anyone feel that they had to leave the site, everyones experience is valide and i think some of the paranioa is because we are use to staying silent. i always get a kickback for going against the silence, but i believe this to be a safe site and you are a valuable member, i'd miss you and i might have to come to Nottingham for a cuppa. i'm in London, miles away. But my old unit was in York and got friend in Nott and who know may get back to York for treatment in the end. Please take care hugs Tabi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted July 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 (((((Tabi)))))thank you hon, no it was nt because of you or anything we shared...i just am in a very bad place today and tonight as it happens, have argued bf to bed early! and am feeling so alone....these are the times i think our t's should bloody well be aware of and help us with , its not that interesting i know to be in crisis or to feel abadonned by hope and a future, but its as real as any of the other stuff we say to thembut stroll on, like i'd know how to therapy anyone im just the stupid person for even trying, .....well thats how it feels just now...so tabi, no i wont stop posting, i am just really confused about everything just now and nothing makes sense to me...even why i try anymoretake care hon, and the kettle will be on any time for youlove jaix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poodle Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 (((((((((Jai)))))))))sorry you are feeling so frightened and it is triggering paranoia. I just want you to know that I am here.Safe, gentle hugs,Poodle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted July 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 thanks poodle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steph32 Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Jai, I'm a newbie so I hope my posting doesn't upset you. If you can believe me (and I understand if you can't} please trust me that I'm not fake or out to hurt anyone. I'm just so glad I found this site because I feel for the first time in my life that there are people out there who understand me or even if they don't understand don't judge me. I hope you sleep well Steph xoxo :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birdesh Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 It also came to my mind that some people might plainly lie when they tell their stories through the board. Anyone has seen "Fight Club" ?I also had a girlfriend (a real piece of s...) who was mythomaniac. I found out about her lies after 5 months. Was kind of a shock. So yes some people might be fake here. But who cares ? In all cases they are also in deep trouble from a psychological point of view... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 2, 2006 Report Share Posted July 2, 2006 Jai the people birdesh are talking about may be the anons.I think from all our stories and how they link we are all genuine.I hope you feel better for talking to someone more real than a screen-You know what I mean! (I hope)Pipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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