New Here, A Bit Confused

[Silla]

Hi everyone. My name's Jenny, I'm 22 years old. I suspect I might have BPD.

For the longest time I thought I was just a bit crazy and probably depressed. Mental illness seems to run in my mother's side of the family. While I was venting online, someone suggested BPD to me and I looked it up. It scares me, I don't want there to be anything wrong with me, but at the same time I can't deny the things I feel.

I have big issues with abandonment. I've never been good at making friends, but these issues have escalated recently. I've started at a theatre school that I've been aching to go to for years, and I've made some friends there - it always seems like I want too much, though. I desperately want to be close with my friends, and I'll do pretty much anything to keep them happy. And then, when they go out for coffee or even hang around with someone else I feel intensely hurt and abandoned. Some days I'll feel like my friends are there for me, but the next day I'll feel like they don't care at all and then I'll feel upset at them and isolate myself. I'm not really vocal to my friends about any of this, but they have noticed my isolation - they say that I come across as closed off and like I don't want to spend time with them, which makes them leave me alone more, which makes me feel worse about myself.

I definitely have a screwed-up sense of self. I've been unsure of my sexuality since my early teens, it seems to keep switching. I can be utterly convinced that I'm attracted to women, and then I'll wake up one day and go 'no, I'm not actually attracted to women at all. I'm straight.' And actually feel that way. It's so confusing. I have really, really low self worth. Sometimes I can be in a group of people and all of the sudden I get this overwhelming feeling like I'm not even there.

Impulsive spending has gotten me in a lot of trouble. It seems the less money I have, the more impulsive I get with it. I also have a habit of putting myself in situations that are purposefully uncomfortable to me.

I've been struggling on and off with an eating disorder since my teens. It escalates when my self worth is lowest. It's dumb, I know, but it helps me feel like I'm capable if I restrict my diet. It also has to do with punishment - I feel like I'm always wrong and need to be punished. I've been suicidal, several times. Chronic feelings of emptiness... check.

My mood is usually unstable. I can go from a huge high to a huge low with hardly anything to set it off. I'm crabby a lot, for no apparent reason. I get intense anxiety when there isn't really anything to be that anxious about.

When I was younger, I used to get angry at the smallest things, but that doesn't happen very much anymore. I'm a lot more withdrawn and internal, these days.

Now that you've read all of that (thank you for sticking with me) here's my problem.

I want to fix this. I'm currently seeing a therapist. For at least 15 years I was abused by my mother, physically and emotionally. That is the reason I'm currently seeing a therapist. I've told her about some of my social worries, but not all of this. I'm not sure how. Do you just say 'hey, I think I have BPD'? I know that any one person at any given time could feel one of these things, but I get them all at once and I really want to be able to not feel this way.

I'm worried about it, though. My school is kind of strict and if they find out how screwed up I am, they might ask me to leave the program. That would destroy me - this school is the only thing keeping me going, right now. Also, I'm not sure how to talk to my therapist. I trusted her pretty easily, up until our last session - I was stressing out about something trivial, trying to cover a shift at work, and it had me in tears, and she said "That's all you're stressed out about?" And I know it was just a question but now I feel like I shouldn't go back to her because I feel like she doesn't like me. Even though the logical part of my brain is saying that's nonsense.

Aaagh. Now you probably see why I'm so confused.

[Louiza]

:welcomeani: Jenny!

I hope you find this site as helpful and supportive as I have, looking forward to getting to know you!

Take care

Lou

[pip]

Well I know you like your bed...

...so you must be ok.

I could have written most of your post myself.

Sad, but true.

Ask your therapist and see what reaction you get.

Can therapists prescribe?

I think you need to see a doc

This site will keep you sane!!

Pip

x

[orangesoup]

Hi and

You sound like you have alot going on at the moment.

It would deffinatly be best if you brought up these issue's with your therapist, maybe you could print off this post and take that in to her? Or maybe visit your gp and discuss your worries with them.

Your school doesn't need to find out about it...

I hope you can find some help and support here though hun!

[Silla]

Thanks for the welcome, guys.

I don't actually have a GP, haven't had one since I was about 8. If I need to see a doctor, I go to a walk-in clinic, but I don't know if I'd be able to go up to some random doctor.

I'm very, very nervous about the idea of telling my therapist. I was told when I started therapy that it was strictly confidential unless I revealed that I was a danger to myself or another person - and then, it would be reported to the police. I want to be able to ask the therapist, but I'm pretty sure the whole not eating thing would count as a danger to myself. Probably the suicidal thoughts, too, but those are pretty rare and only in my extreme moments.

I don't want it to go to the police, or any further than my therapist. That would get me out of school for sure. I just want it to go away so I can get on with my life - I'm actually where I want to be right now, in the school I've been longing after for years, living on my own, and financially independent. A big upset would kill me.

I'm not sure if my therapist can prescribe. I mentioned my anxiety to the therapist I saw before this one and he mentioned something about medication but I said that I'd rather remain med-free if possible. I'm starting to rethink that decision, since it's obvious that whatever else I'm trying can't control it.

Also, I'm having a bit of trouble trusting my therapist. I was fine with her until recently and then all of the sudden I started to feel like she was against me, not for me. Aarrgh, it's so frustrating.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[rosehip333]

welcome jenny hope you will find support and friendship here, do you have a good GP that you could talk to, keep going with your therapist though you need some support, hope to read more of your posts soon , take care rosehip xxx

[pip]

You need to trust your therapist,

Can you tell her your concerns?

I did mine.

Can you register with a doc

I think you should.

Vent all you need to - I do

Hope we help

You are not alone

Pip

x

[Barebones]

welcome jenny

[drew]

welcome hope u frind this place helpfull

[Silla]

Thanks, guys.

I would like to bring this up with my therapist, but I'm unsure of her reaction. If it's serious and she has to take it to a higher power, like the police, I could lose my place at school and I would rather deal with mood swings and eating disorders and suicidal tendencies than leave the school I'm in right now. Really, honestly, I would. Giving up this school would be like a death sentence.

That's my biggest worry, and what really holds me back from being completely honest with my therapist. She should probably know about this as well so that she can help me best - I mean, if I feel like my own therapist is against me and doesn't like me, I must need help. But I can't tell her because I don't want to make a big deal. And what if she doesn't believe in BPD or believe what I'm saying? I'd rather just hide somewhere and hope it goes away.

[jai]

Welcome Jenny

talking to your therapist would be best just now...although i am a complete frady cat when it comes to fronting up to mine...

good luck in whatever decision you make, how long til you see her again?

take care

jai

[samsung]

Welcome Jenny!!!

i hope you find all the care you need here...

take care

rachel

[orangesoup]

Unless you were at a very low weight, or purging numerous times a day, or about to drop dead...Then they wouldn't inform the police.

Also with the suicidal thoughts, unless you were actively suicidal and had a plan that you were going to carry out, then they wouldn't call the police.

Is there any way you could register with a gp?

Take care x

[Silla]

Unless you were at a very low weight, or purging numerous times a day, or about to drop dead...Then they wouldn't inform the police.

Also with the suicidal thoughts, unless you were actively suicidal and had a plan that you were going to carry out, then they wouldn't call the police.

Is there any way you could register with a gp?

Take care x

I'm not at a dangerously low weight, I haven't purged for a month, I'm doing pretty well with the eating thing, I'm not suicidal at the moment and even when I do fall into that mood I usually still have the presence of mind to try and help myself get out of it. So maybe it would be safe to talk to the therapist after all. I just have the hardest time trusting her because our last session ended on a negative note and now I'm worried that she doesn't like me and might try and take me out of school. And even then, the logical part of my brain says that's completely not right and I should let the therapist know that... so maybe I will talk to her. I see her on Friday.

I could try and find a gp, but right now in Ontario we have a shortage of them, so there aren't many around who are accepting new patients. I'll keep looking, though.

Thanks.

[Leslie]

Welcome Mia,

I would advise you, (as I was reading your first post, it was like my feelings being described towards my friends), that you ask for the advise of your therapist for a psychological evaluation, there are some therapists that do all the tests needed for an accurate dx, or they have to know somebody they work with...

For some people, it seems like you, a name to your feelings and understanding them would be helpful.

Avoid ANTS, not the little working animals... ANTS are Authomatic Negative ThoughtS when you feel like rejected but your friends, don't think they abandonned you, they don't even realize how needy and sensitive you can be... I tend to think this way sometimes and I say to myself they didn't notice and that's most of the time the truth...try to look for a positive thing they have...

Please keep posting,

Leslie

[Silla]

Thanks Leslie,

It might make me feel better to actually have a diagnosis, and I definitely would like to try to understand myself.

I know exactly what you mean about Automatic Negative Thoughts, and I feel rejected quite a lot of the time, even though a tiny part of me knows that my friends are probably not really rejecting me. I thought I must be crazy, but it makes me feel better just to know that there are other people who feel this way and that there are possibilities to treat it. I'm nervous for school tomorrow, since that's when the feelings are worst, but I'll keep in mind what you said and try and stay focused on the positive.

[dolphin]

:welcomeani:

[Leslie]

I'm glad I could help a little bit, hope you have a nice day at school. Try to enjoy everything and give thanks because you have the opportunity to get better.

Take care,

Leslie

[gobbothegoblin]

Hey

first off woah! jennys cute (this did say hot but i got embaressed when reading it back)

anyway

the whole school thing, if they find out nd let u stay, it can still be bad (sorry to bring bad news) when mine found out they tried to get me out, they wouldnt let me back in at the next term. And now im in, they treat me as tho im not there , like im someone elses problem. hope urs is better to you.

And just a thought, but dont the therapists have to ask you before takeing it to your school, as far as im aware they can goto higher medical powers about it, and the police, but the school doesnt have 2 know unless u want them to. Or unless ur posing a threat to other students.. thats it.

(((hugs!)))

--dave-

[Silla]

Wow Dave... thanks. That little comment just helped me out on a not so great day. I really appreciate it. You're pretty cute, yourself.

The school knows about the abuse in my past. They're the ones who actually helped me get a therapist. They're not kicking me out for that, though a teacher was concerned about me at one point and I ended up getting called in to talk to the student coordinator who is acting as a counsellor but really has no training and I don't feel comfortable talking to her.

Last term I dislocated my knee and I had to miss a month of dance classes. I almost got kicked out for that, but I talked them into letting me stay and catch up. If this issue was interfering with my performance in class (and it actually is, a little, but not enough to make me a danger to anyone) then they'd have grounds to kick me out but I think I'd be safe, even if the school knew. Maybe. I just can't help worrying about it.

That said, I am planning on going to therapy on Friday. I was tempted to cancel it, but I'm going to go. I don't know if I'll be able to ask her about all this stuff, but I'll try and let her know about some of these feelings, if the discussion comes up.

[gobbothegoblin]

Try it one step at a time, tell her what you feel you can and then she can start to go over it with you. As long as u dont have a complete asshole of a therapist like ive had in the past few years , you will find it helpfull

As for the school, well what they dont know wont be used against u

You said ur not a danger or a concern for the school so i cant see why the therapist would tell them. You could ask her on what grounds she would tell anyone, including the school , before you tell her anything to sensative, so that way you know that if there is a limit then you have control weather to cross it or not. I think youl find shes on your side and if you explain that its not majorly effecting your school life and that you dont want the trouble with the shcool then im sure she could find anouther way around it if she had to tell someone.

-dave-

[Miko]

I'm utterly new to this 'borderline' business which I haven't heard of before, I know about depression, OCD, rapid cycling bipolar, unipolar, Asperger's etc etc. so excuse my ignorance.

Your school ought to make an adjustment to your needing therapy if it affects them in practical terms, and ought not to be told if it doesn't. I think it is terribly wrong what happened to Dave.

Use tact and discretion towards yourself and don't try to scrape barrels when it comes to telling therapists 'everything', again if I'm wrong pardon my ignorance and ignore what I say. It must be difficult for you young folks to know what perspective to take on professionals that seem to breathe down your necks. Space is good for everybody, while remaining in regular touch with them if the therapy is basically good for one. Sometimes it's not really them that are taking up our space, we don't give ourselves enough space in our own heads, I found from my own experience and also observation of a friend ...

(Many people with eating difficulties have a version of celiac/coeliac disease, which is largely misdiagnosed and mistaken, throughout the UK and N America. Just a possibility, not definite at all! (Check out the Gluten Free Forum in your search engine and don't change your diet without having undergone the full set of blood tests and internal examinations first or it messes up the diagnostic process permanently))

[gobbothegoblin]

just had 2 say it , yey someone else with some form of bi-polar.. but still no one else with my kind.. ah well

hope stuff is still ok jenny.

=dave=