A Little Into My Depression

[Jewel]

My experience with severe depression begins when I was a little girl. Some memories go back to me being in my crib and being abused and on going. By the age of 15 I had began to self injure. A lot of people think that self injury is an attention seeking measure. But, in reality it’s about ones pain and their efforts to control it. For myself I feel that its not the cutting that brings me release, it’s the watching of the blood pouring out of the wound. I often change my self injury methods depending on the way I feel. Some days I feel I need more of a release so I may cut myself or other days I may need a lesser release so I may do something less sever. My family offered little or no support both my father, mother and sister were/are abusive. By this time the depression had taken its toll on me both physically and mentally. I had dropped out school pretty much and lost interest in everyday activities I no longer had any real contact with my peers. I often would not get dressed or leave the safety of my room for days at a time. I feel empty, alone, confused, abandoned and frustrated at everyone and everything, but mostly I blame myself. The only way I feel I can get any relief from all the overwhelming feelings is by self injury or death at times. For me it is a release of the all the pent up feelings inside that I have no other way to express. Verbally it’s very difficult. What began as self inflicted scratches, hair pulling and sometimes burning escalated to severe cutting of private parts and other things. Today has been a very difficult day for me in many ways.

Even though while growing up I was forbidden to speak with school officials, police or anyone. I began to seek outside help at the age of 15 through my former family Doctor. He offered little or no support in his opinion he blames my depression on my parents and said that I would “out grow the feelings” As time passed my depression did not improve and I began to have more physical issues and my thoughts are often focused on suicide. It was at this time that I began to seek help through the mental health system. With little or no financial resources the help I needed was/is very limited. I often felt/feel like “just a number” to those in charge and often feel like I am given mixed messages by one agency or another. I feel not only am I victim of depression and self injury that often goes undiagnosed and over looked. But also a victim of a system that allows people like myself to fall through the cracks just because I don’t meet one criteria or another. I gave up on the system here. I’ve recently learned that my cousin lost her baby as the baby was born. This makes me angry even though I have no control over that. My cousin had to have surgery as it turns out she has had something wrong with her stomach that turned out to be cancerous. I’ve always had this love, hate relationship with God. Its so upsetting to see a baby’s life was taken. This beautiful innocent life that had its whole life ahead of them. I’m stuck in this awful world of pain and don’t want to be here but I am. The baby had only a few innocent breaths around people who had love to give. Here I am breathing air in this polluted world and who in my opinion dose not want or need to breathe in it. I’ve always thought the police protected the abusers and the innocent go to heaven and never understood why abusers are the way they are. Or why my parents were even married or had kids, or why my mother hates me so much. Guess in some ways I’m pretty lucky to be so different from them. Cancer is one of the things that run high in my family. I’ve had my scares with it. I’m not scared of death. I don’t believe I’ve been for a long time. Why be afraid I mean it’s not like my family would give a care. My own so called mother tells me to kill myself. Just wonder at the amount of times she tried to kill me in the past and she didn’t succeed.

You may have heard that depression is a character flaw, morally wrong, and weakness or other similar comments. These are some of the myths that are still out there. There is now science to prove that it is an illness like any other. Like other serious, chronic illnesses it takes its toll on a person. I wish I could snap my fingers and say I’m all better but I can’t. I don’t know if I will ever overcome this depression, self injury or even the suicide feelings. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I guess in part because it’s my homework. Also, maybe another part because I hope someone might understand that it’s ok to feel depressed and it’s more than ok to try to reach out for support even though it may take many tries to be heard and you’re not alone in feeling so down. I don’t believe in being rescued, getting help or changing things for you and myself I know starts with myself and you yourself. I learned at a young age that no one will rescue me. I’ve learned that it would be wise to treat others as how you would like to be treated. I also learned that I’m not like my family and I do like being a support for others whether its being a moderator at a forum, a friend or someone’s shoulder. I don’t know about all of you but I try to stick with a routine each and everyday no matter what my limits are. Here at the forum sometimes I feel I don’t post because what I say doesn’t matter even though that’s still a part of my old thinking, and sometimes especially when there’s negative stuff going on I don’t want to get involved. I don’t see the point in to telling a lie to get my way or anything like my family has. That only brings the situation. Now that I’ve rambled on it’s time to end this. (even though you might say I’m not rambling )Thank you to those who came this far and read this post. Don’t worry about replying to this post, there’s no need. Guess my feeling chart came into this post a lot today! I hope I posted this in the right forum. :rolleyes:

[jai]

((((((Jewel))))))

what a heavy load and awful history. Yes i did read the whole post and just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. You are right, the daily efforts we make , the structure we build for ourselves now is what matters. For you though it sounds like your pleas for help being ignored and the lack of support is biting. You have reached out by posting and sharing, so accept the support and loving care that go with being a member here.

You deserve it and more for all that you are and all that you want to be. I think you are a very strong person for opening up and giving to us all.

Go gently on yourself....

love

jai

x

[orangesoup]

((((((((((Jewel)))))))))

I'm sorry I don't have many words at the moment....Im emotionally exhausted at the moment.

But I just wanted you to know I have read your post. And I'm sorry that you went through so much!

Take care hun x

[pip]

Jewel Sweetheart,

It was very brave of you to write all that.

I wish I had your strength.

I'm glad you have a routine

and you are getting better.

By telling us all this shows it.

(((Jewel)))

Isn't life a bitch?

Take Care

Pip

x

[Jewel]

Hi, thank you for the hugs and your kind words. Jai, I will try. Jopo, sorry your emotionaly exhausted. Hope things improve for you. Pip, strengh is something you can find inside of you, just look inside of yourself and somewhere and somehow you might find your strengh. Life, is def. a bitch. But, never stop trying to get what you want of it, take breaks if you need. Not sure about the routinue somedays and my getting better some days. ((Hugs))

[pip]

Jewel

It is good to see you posting!

We will get there

Pip

x

[Jewel]

Pip, tks, not sure how long the posting will last but trying. Good to hear you sounding mosre positive.

[pip]

This site really helps me

It helps me posting

(hence why I post soo much)

I am REALLY trying to be positive

but it isn't coming naturally

- but I am trying

I am sick of being a nightmare

I want piece of mind

Hope you are ok

Pip

x

[Jewel]

Pip, you know the saying fake it til u make it. I wake up and get up each day even thought most days I just want to stay in bed. I wear masks a lot (but thats a secret of mine and not many know) Happy the site is helping you. I see you trying to help yourself which is great. Its hard but keep trying. Your goal is to make a change because you said you are sick of being a nightmare and u want peace of mind. Let that be your motivation. Im well ok as I can be this second.

[pip]

Thanks Sweetie

(((Jewel)))

I have a high mountain to climb!

Hope there is oxygen at the top!!!!!!!!

Pips

x

[mrs tree]

Jewel

I found your post very moving

sorry for what you have been through

Mrs Tree

[jai]

Jewel...

the masks are a bind but you make good sense..we can only try and keep each other motivated..!!

good to see you here and being positive about the posibilites..

love

jai

x

[Jewel]

Pip, there will be bpdworld waiting and working with you ad yes there will be plenty of air at the top. I expect you to remmeber that and keep trying to climb that mountain! Mrs Tree, thank you. Not sure about how or why my post would move you. I hope your ok. Jai, your always a sweetheart!! ((Hugs))

[pip]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

I love the thought of hope

[Betsy]

Jewel,

thank you for sharing that with us. i won't say what a crap childhood you had and how sorry i am you had to go through it because i think you already know all that. the pain from your past must be incredible but it is that.. your past. fight everyday to make yourself realize that you are not that little girl anymore. now you are a big girl that when whe was little had those incredibly bad experiences perpetrated on her by the very people that were suppose to take care of her.

you know this road is long... i know you do. and it isn't straight, it has ups and downs, switchbacks and convulutions but it can be traveled to a good end. one step, one breath, one task, all bring you closer to the healing you are looking for. yes there can be healing. yes you DO deserve it. you already know that it is within you and i am glad to see that you took this step towards claiming the healing.

i think you now have more people here that know you and will be by your side. i'll be there... sure i am gonna kick you sometimes.. but i also hug you too.

you made an incredible post..... weldone.....(warning) more to come!

((((((((((((((((( jewel ))))))))))))))))))

bets

[pip]

Jewel - be scared!!!!

Betsy will sort you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- very scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL

Pip

x

[Tabitha]

jewel what you say so matters, your life has been tough and i feel the same anger and frustration that the system actually doesnt have a clue, infact the almost repeat abusive dynamics by ignoring what is infront of their eyes abusers go free, we live the sentance and take the punnishment. i really hope you can get some support and it helps to know a little about people so i can respond , please take care hugs Tabi

[Jewel]

Pip, yes there is hope! Satrts with you! Betsy, thank you. Guess I should wearing padding so when when you kick it dosent hurt! I wish I could say that I do deserve what you said. I wish also that I could say that theres no more crap, but there is lots more that hasnt been shared and it was just in my past. Not sure a bout more posts either. Thans for the hug and saying you will be there. Tabi, thank you. Sorry you feel the same. ((Pip, Bets, and Tabi))

[jai]

Hey precious ((((((((jewel)))))))

no more posts? yikes matey, how can that be? pleeeese stick around and talk to me and us and eveyone, you are part of this now, we are one big jigsaw and eveyone needs to be in it to make the big picture work.......ok....sorry having a bit of a crass day today but you know what i mean,

like i look at the new posts and i se the names and the world is ok for today, people i care about , the titles of the posts and the whole psyche of the family exisits because we all come and even just say hi...

go on please Jewel give it a go, just a HI would be fine hon, we can build up together to bigger posts in time...

dont take your lead from me tho, i got me rambly head on today hon

love and wanting you to stick around and say anything...even bananas is fine or any fruit , well anything is good...

might try it myself actually!!

love and hugs

jai

x

[Jewel]

Hi Jai. Sorry Jai, just very difficult to start posts about myself. Im here just not sure about the posts thing right now. Thinking maybe I should change my name since Im far from being precious in my eyes anyway. Thanks for caring.

[jai]

((((((jewel))))))

its ok hon, im glad you are here and with us. sorry its so hard to post just now, you are doing well you know?

take care

love

jai

x

[Jewel]

Actually didnt know that Jai...

[jai]

sowwy meant it in a nice way doing well, i m just happy you are around, did nt mean to upset you

[pip]

(((Jewel)))

(((Jai)))

[Jewel]

Jai, you didnt upset me my friend.... and no need for an apology.... I just didnt realize that..... thank you for pointing that out.... just been feeling Im doing stuff but didnt notice the getting better part... I did get that you said it a nice way! ((Pip, Jai))