Hello All

[jodi]

Hi, my name is Jodi. I am 30 and live in Kent with my 2 children (9yr old son & 2 yr old Daughter)

I was diagnosed with bpd quite a few years ago but chose to ignore it as it scared the life out of me.

It has stemmed from my dad dying when I was 17 and me not being able to face it.

I have suffered with depression since then and have taken an overdose in the past and often had suicidal thoughts.

It is so nice to have found this website as it really helps to know that I am not the only 'alien' out there!!

No-one seems to understand me and I get told I should stop making excuses and pull myself together.

Am really trying right now, took myself off medication in April and seem to be on an ok level right now.

Have just split with my ex and am struggling now so if anyone has any advice they can offer me to stop me doing something stupid that could ruin his life then please do get in contact.

Well it is nice to meet you all and I hope we can all help each other - am always good at giving other people advice but can't help myself, this whole condition just doesn't make sense!!!

Thank you for reading this xx :)

[pip]

Hi Jodi

Welcome to the site

Lots of people will give you good advice

Not me

- cos I am hopeless!!!!!!!!

I hope you are happy here

It is a lifesaver for me

Speak to you in chat soon

Pip

x

[Betsy]

welcome,

you have come to a good place. people are very supportive and really listen to others. we've all done wild, foolish, regretable things and you won't shock us a bit! i look forward to hearing more from you.

bets

[jai]

Welcome Jodi...

good to meet you

jai

[Martin]

Welcome Jodi,

Hope u find help n support here.

Spliffy

[orangesoup]

Hi and

Hope you find some extra support here! :)

[jodi]

Thank you everyone for such a warm welcome.

Am not feeling so isolated right now as I have a support network which makes me feel excellent.

Will be def asking for advice and obviously offer the same in return and hope that I can be of help to anyone who needs it.

Am going to post a problem I am having now but will do it later when the children are in bed and would appreciate as many responses as possible as to what you think I should/shouldn't do!!!!

Thanks,

Jodi x

[pip]

we are waiting Jodi...........

[drew]

:welcomeani: hey :D

[samsung]

welcome.

i hope you find all the care and support you need here....

take care

rachel

[jodi]

Sorry for taking so long but am emotionally drained today, it is the anniversary of my Dad's death and even though it is 13 yrs now I still find it hard and miss him as much as ever.

My problem in as short as I can write it!!!!

Met a bloke 2 years ago, he was and still is living in the same house as his ex, seperate lives/bedroom because they have twins who are now 3 and he can't bear to leave them.

He had already split with his ex when I met him and made it quite clear that he despises her.

Through our relationship we had a lot of ups & downs but most of the time things seemed to be against us. Was made harder as his ex wasn't to know about me as she would use the children to get at him and would give him very limited access.

I was raped by a so called mate early on in mine and my ex's relationship. I couldn't tell my ex at the time as felt I was to blame - had too much to drink one night - but as a result I did fall pregnant and so had a termination.

My daughter was only 5 months old at the time - long story their regarding my childrens dad so will tell you that another time. I managed to blag my way through saying that I had complications after my daughters birth and so was going into hospital for a d&c.

I didn't cope very well but because I was lying about the whole thing I didn't face up to it all myself. I thought that if I told anyone they would think I was cheap and deserved it. My mum worked it out though as she got heart burn - she got this when I was carrying my son and daughter - and so I did talk to her about it - been a proper bitch to my mum so am so glad that she is still here for me, another story to tell!!

My self esteem was on the floor & obviously this added to it and although I knew I shouldnt have been with my ex at the time I couldnt bring myself to split up.

He couldn't cope with the relationship either as it did seem to be a case of bad timing and we both had so much going on in our own lives that we couldn't support each other. We did, through his choice, break up on several occasions but always ended up back together as we had feelings for each other.

We split in January this year when I found out that he had slept with his ex last Nov/Dec after they had a heart to heart one night. I was devestated but we talked about it and agreed that we would try again but he would move out of the house. When it came to it he couldn't do it because of his children.

We plodded on till April but finally split when I had a suicidal episode. Never did anything but was extremely close.

I went to Dr's straight away and they just upped my medication. I actually ended up taking myself of the tablets - not a good move, I know - but I have been ok since not being on them.

Me & my ex stayed in contact, still are and I got my head round just being friends - thats what he wanted - and as I still care about him and can't bear the thought of losing him I was cool with that.

I know that things would never work for us as a couple but I can't help caring about him - even though he only seems to think of himself.

It was both our birthdays last week - the big 3-0 for me - and we had arranged to meet up this week for a drink. He actually is away right now on a family holiday but he didn't have the decency to tell me and that has really hurt me. Am not jealous, I know him and his ex aren't back together and is for the childrens sake but I can't understand why he didn't tell me.

His ex wants to get back with him and he knows it and I feel really sorry for her as he is playing both of us - I don't believe it is intentional he is just so screwed up - and all because he can't face losing his kids.

He ended it with her but as much as he says she will use the kids to get at him he is using her to be with them.

I think she should have the opportunity to make a new life for herself and not be wasting her time in finding someone who loves and respects her - he often in rows has called her a mothers c**t in front of the kids as he says she makes his blood boil.

I have wriiten her a letter, my friend read it and cried, it is not malicious, spiteful or through jealousy, is totally from the heart, purely because he knows what he is doing is wrong - he has told me often enough - and I think it is totally unfair on her.

I haven't sent the letter yet, have also written it because I do care about him and its hard watching him muck up so much.

I have tried walking away but I can't - why?

I don't love him or want to get back with him but I can't work out why he keeps letting me down and yet says we are friends.

Help me what do I do??????????/

[pip]

Jodi,

This is hard for me as I'm hopeless with men.

Please bear in mind my advice is not worth a penny.

I think you two can't be friends

and you need to let him go.

Sending the letter will cause more harm

and might prolong your grief

or give you more

She might go mental at you

love being blind and all

but if u want revenge

then send it.

You can tell I'm single!!!!!!!!

Good luck.

I think you should bin him

and walk away

Head held high

He sounds a plonker!

Pip

x

[jodi]

Thanks Pip, it's not about revenge as am not like that, plus don't have the time with the amount of people who treat me like a doormat!!

It's about doing what I think is right but obviously I am def struggling there.

I know I should just walk away but I can't understand why I find it impossible to do, I don't hate my ex and just want him to be happy but I know right now he's not.

I am so torn, it's like I crave his attention and test him the whole time.

Why do I do this?

Has anyone else felt like this?

Ive got my angel and devil fighting in my head and neither of the are giving up easily enough!

It's all so painful, I punish myself and then I punish him and it goes on and on, why though?

I have been treated a lot worse by others in my life before but never reacted like this with them, none of it makes sense.

Someone sort my angel out and let her win the battle and then I will know I have done the right thing!!!

[mrs tree]

hi

I do agree she should have chance to find somone else but at the same time I don't really think this is the issue....

I think you need to look at your relationship with him. It sounds like you can't trust this guy...Is it because you are lonley ? do you have others you can contact? There was nothing in your post that suggested there was a good reason for staying in contact...

so i would tear up the letter and get on with your life but thats only my opinion...This guy wants his cake and eat it don't give it him

Mrs Tree

[pip]

MrsTree is much better than me.

Follow her advice, not mine.

Test is my middle name!!!!

I test people all the time.

I've gotten to the point where

I don't have any friends or people

- so hang on to those around you.

Life is hard on your own.

Glad you got your mum.

Gotta goto sleep

Talk later & see you in chat!

Good Luck

Pip

x

[jodi]

Thank you Mrs Tree,

I know that everything you say is right, my close friends have said the same but why is the de-attachment so hard?

I don't understand it all!!

Over the past couple of years I have had a 'springclean' of all the people who I felt were negative in my life, those who used me, brought me down etc. I have no regrets and have been a lot better for it.

So why can't I let him go?

The bit you said about the trust has got me thinking though. I did really put all my trust in to him so do you think that is what I am trying to get back? I suppose I never thought he would let me down and yet he kept on and still does do so now.

It almost feels like losing my dad all over again - not that I saw him as a father figure.

My head is going to explode!!!!

You are all so nice and give good advice, am so glad I have found this site xx

Good nite Pip, hope you get a good nites sleep!!

Stop putting yourself down about not giving good advice, have read plenty of other messages and although you may think you don't give good advice remember that every little bit helps and at least you care enough to reply to people.

Been nice chatting with you, chat soon, nite xx

[pip]

(((Jodi)))

[mrs tree]

I know I should just walk away but I can't understand why I find it impossible to do, I don't hate my ex and just want him to be happy but I know right now he's not.

It isn't your problem to solve either

The bit you said about the trust has got me thinking though. I did really put all my trust in to him so do you think that is what I am trying to get back? I suppose I never thought he would let me down and yet he kept on and still does do so now

Maybe you feel you will have failed if you give this up...This isn't the case relationships don't work out for many reasons, the main one from what you say appears to be he can't or won't commit to you...You do deserve to have someone who is available to you and can commit to you.

Focus on what you need from your life...If he wants to change his he will but it sounds like he doesn't want to

tc

Mrs Tree

[jodi]

Thanks Mrs Tree, I know that everything you are saying is right and what you are telling me is what I think his ex deserves to know. Just still trying to get my head sorted as to whether I tell her or not even though it prob is none of my business.

Phoned the mht yesterday as the whole thing is doing my head in and feel really low with it all, can tell as am not eating and I am someone who lives for food so it has and is hitting me badly. Was in floods on the phone and the duty officer told me they are having a meeting on Thursday and I will be assigned someone then so should hear from them next week!!! I went to my Dr 4 weeks ago to be refered and seeing as have been under the mht loads of times in the past 10 years and have od in the past I thought they would have been a bit quicker - they told me anytime I needed to see someone they would accomodate but again have failed!!!

Am battling on though, my ex is back on Friday and I think I am going to end up speaking to him and just getting my anger out to his face rather than protecting him the whole time. Not that he will listen but it may make me feel better, you know what it is like with words left unspoken!!!!

Meet a bloke a few weeks back who has made it quite clear that he wants a casual sexual relationship and thats it - only after the millions of lies did he eventually say this - I always seem to attract the wrong sort but pressume it is because I am feeling vulnerable right now.

Thats it am going to join a convent, take a vow of silence and celibacy - problem solved!!!!

Do they let you smoke in convents??????

Thanks,

Jodi xx

[allpsychedout]

Hello, Jodi,

I missed reading introductions for about 3 days, so am just now getting around to saying 'welcome' from another newbie, here. After going through your posts and reading so many replies to you already, I can only add that I certainly understand your suicidal feelings, concerning all you have been through! Others here have already posted what sounds to me like some helpful advice but I know one must follow her own heart. At this point I don't feel I have anything of value to add to it, except that I wish you well.

Perhaps you can find the support here you need to help build up enough strength to deal with your painful situation? I do hope so, and please keep us posted, all right?

allpsychedout

[jodi]

Hello allpsychedout,

thank you for your introduction and for what you wrote.

There is a lot more to all my pain right now but my ex has just been the thing that has set me off and I can see that I am directing my pain and anger at him rather than face it all.

Have had some good advice, Mrs Tree has been especially helpful and so will just have to work out what the real problem is.

Has been so helpful, invaluable finding this site and have really benefitted from getting other peoples opinions. Had a really long in depth chat with someone from here last night and went to bed feeling less stressed than I have for a while.

Will, no doubt, chat with you sometime,

Take care,

Jodi xx

[gingernut]

Hey Jodi,

I didnt introduce myself to you, sorry abit rubbish at keeping up.

You know Im here for you, newby to newby

I may even show you my holiday photos

ginger joanne

[babic1]

Hi Jodi and welcome to our site. . . im really glad you found the site. Many people often run from diagnosis and im sure your not the only one who has done this here. But now you are accepting it and recognising it and are lookig at how to live with it.

Thankyou for sharing your story with us, and thankyou for trusting us enough to speak up about your life. You definately are not alone out there at all, and your certainly no "alien" as you say. There are millions of people in this world living with mental illnesses and its time that society started to recognise this. Its no longer necessry to hide in shame simply because we have a mental illness.

Nothing annoys me more then people saying to snap out of it. or to pull yourself together because until you live with a mental illness you dont realise how hard and damaging those statements are. They definatley arent helpful so i hope you dont take those sort of comments to heart.

I hope that you will not do anything stupid and talk to a prfessional and continue to come here for support, its amazign the support you can actually get from here and i hope you make the most of it, please dont make a mistake your going to regret later.

Please hang in there, we will be here for you. . .

Babs xx

[jodi]

Hi Babs,

Thank you for your introduction and for taking the time to read about me and give me some advice.

A feeling rational, well at the moment, and so wont do anything stupid, def not to myself. Think I vent my anger the wrong way as am not very good at aggression and so it will come out in either tears or by me thinking I am doing something correct - like the letter.

Am determined to learn new ways to deal with things rather than holding on to them and then being dragged down by it all.

I know we have to go with the hand we are dealt but do you think there is somebody out there who may like to swap - even if only for a day!!!!!

Will probably post something about me and my history which has lead to me feeling the way I do as there are lots of things that have contributed that i havent dealt with and plenty of other areas in my life that I could do with some advice on.

Keep your eyes peeled for my posting and any advice would be great.

If I can help you in return in anyway please don't hesitate to ask - I may not have anything constructive to offer but I will always do my best.

Thank you,

Jodi xx

[drann]

Dear Jodi

I read through your problem. Let me tell you about mine: I was in a relationship with this older married guy...and I was such a spineless amoeba that even the knowledge that I was like the latest in a million extra marital affairs he had had, and he was only interested in sex didn't stop me from fallin in what I thought was love. What I realize now is that it was nothing of the sort, it was just projection and idealization...I was putting him in my dad's place, and being used to rejection from my dad I practically welcomed being treated like a doormat...at least it was something familiar.

So I guess my advice to you would be find out why exactly you're still with this guy. I don't think its love, I'm sorry if I'm saying that out of prejudice, but I'm convinced it isn't. And I don't think he loves you either. I think you're both being...well for lack of a better word, let me say selfish...in the sense you're both looking to fulfill your own needs in each other, and calling it love because you don't know better. As you're a case of BPD I guess it's probably to fill out the emptiness inside that you probably feel. What I think is that you and I hate loneliness and boredom so much that we will do practically anything to escape it, even settle for unhealthy relationships.

Have I torn you apart? I'm sorry, please forgive me. I'm only trying to help, I think that the only way to CURE ourselves (and I mean cure, not just survive with our symptoms under control with meds) is to understand why and how, and with understanding atutomatically comes the cure.

You don't have to settle for anything less. Stop punishing yourself. You deserve better. Probably a lot of crap has happened in your life, that you're not telling us about or that you simply don't remember...it may have been a single life changing thing or something so chronic and part of your everyday life that you don't even realize the devastating effect it has on your psyche...that's making you agree to be part of this unhealthy soul destroying relationship.

If you want me to shut up please say so, I will immediately stop.

Love always,

Ann