Vorpalblade Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 Well, as you may or may not know, i am a bulimic, have been since i was 15ish. I'm not a classic binge eater and purger. I just eat "normally" and throw it up.Not sure why i just mentioned that because it has nothing to do with what i am writing about right now.Anyway, 3 years ago i was anorexic. I went from a size 16 to a size 8 in about 4 months. I was really ill mentally, i had just had my breakdown. So times were bad.But i find myself looking back with rose tinted glasses at those times.I am currently a size 18, i blame it on the meds. Whatever the reason, i can't handle it anymore. I am not meant to be this size. It is not me. I know that an 18 is fine for some people, but it is just too big for my frame.So being BPD i have made a decision..i am going to go back to my old anorexic ways. Yes, i plan to starve myself. Please don't reply to this message if you are going to get on your moral highhorse about this. It is something that i feel i have to do. I can't do a regular diet, it's all or nothing with me, as it will be for a lot of you with many things in your life.I guess i just need to feel in control of something, and food is one place where we can get that control isn't it.I went shopping today and i was trying bikinis on. I looked dreadful, really dreadful. This is what compounded my decision to embark on this lifestyle change. I'd already been looking at pro-ana and thinspiration sites this week so the idea was already there. In fact i joined one of the sites so i could share the experience and seek advice etc.So, that's about it really.Blade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leslie Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 I don't know you physically but I care more about what is inside you.If you go back to your anorexic life, for sure you'll be away from us most of the time.Hang in there hunUn abrazo fuerte,Leslie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 BladePlease take care.You are intellegent and I understand how you feel,so no lectures.Just be carefulPipsx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 gracias Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 I just want you to be Happy and Alive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 I will be alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 Good, cos we need your jokes!!!!LOLpipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
realscape Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 Hi BladeI completely understand where you're coming from as your situation is an exact reflection of my own. Around 3 months ago I decided to buy back into my 'anorexic thinking'. I have subsequently rapidly lost weight, feel much better, and am regaining my physical fitness.However, I would like to say that although I have been able to utilise my 'anorexic thinking' to determinedly stick to the permanent removal of certain foods from my diet, I have maintained eating a healthy diet. I kicked off with the 'lemonade diet' which was a bit anorexic but actually helped me break overeating. Subsequently sticking to healthy, fresh fruit and veg, pulses, seeds and nuts, has helped my energy levels stay even too so I don't crave food so much. I think reading Martina Navratilova's new book about diet, healthy eating, energy levels, motivation, etc, would be much better than ana sites. Dunno what its called but saw her promoting on tv last week. She is very slim but not malnourished. I understand your thinking but I really hope you can keep it to the healthy side of things. Rapid weight loss and starvation will screw with your mind and make you feel confused and depressed. As I am sure you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 Rapid weight loss and starvation will screw with your mind and make you feel confused and depressed. As I am sure you know. yea, i know, it happened last time, thing is..right now i just don't care, it isn;t high on my list of priorities. Blade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
realscape Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 :bigarmhug[1]: Well, I really hope you lose some weight quickly and sustain some regular weight loss so that you can feel better about your body and also get your fitness back. I have and feel much better. It can be done safely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 Oh God BladeI so feel for you.I am very, very all or nothing.Just make sure you are ok to go back to schoolI worry about you,Pipx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 only one week of school left, i will be ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pip Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 I mean after the holidays Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitkat Posted July 16, 2006 Report Share Posted July 16, 2006 (((((((((((((((((((blade)))))))))))))))))))))) im sorry u feel u have to do this, im not gonna try and talk u out of it if ur minds made up, but i care about u and am worried bout u. but i also understand i often think about starving myself too, i hate how fat i am. i know this is stupid but pls try to stay safe ok?kitkat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 I will stay safe, no need to worry.I got weighed this morning and i am the heaviest i have ever been..almost 14 stone - not good.Blade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 17, 2006 Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 blade i so understand what your doing im in the same boat. so take care of yourself. only diffrence im not over weight im normal weight just now which is driving me battie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 BBones, i am sorry that you are feeling the same :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 17, 2006 Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 hey dont feel sry ive allways been this way.. i did have a time when i was doing ok for while. but thats when im down to certain weight. i havent made my self sick for years. i took control of that long time ago now i just starve myself. hope that all makes sense im away with the fairies today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jai Posted July 17, 2006 Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 ((((((((Bladey))))))))weight is shit and hating it worse, sorry hon.anyhow hon, just wanted to add, my dog got stroked and played with by martina N....he was staying at the breeders and she was there picking up a new doggy a staffy as it happens and he was on his hols so he got to be touched by my all time femaile tennis star....i have never thought it possible to be jealous of a dog..and furthermore have you tried asking one what someone is like....how fucking annoying , i dont speak dog and he was just not interested...just another peeps to play with him....what a tart..me i'd have been....actually speechless and crass asking for autographs and probably would have stared at her in amazement..sorry to go on but she is my all time favouriteBladey....sorry for being a complete knob with my Higgins ( magnum )interjection....keep well whatever you do and if you need help with this then ask we are all in it together and as a self confessed starver what can i say ...right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 thanks Jaihugswell it's lunchtime here at work and i am starving. drinking fizzy pop to help ward off the pangs. am going to go to Tesco on teh way home and get a cooked chicken and some salad for tea. I'll have a small helping and that will be it for today.i just keep trying to remind myself that if i have hunger pangs that means i am losing weight. right?Blade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 17, 2006 Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 nope just means your stoumach is needing food and will start use its reserves and then slow your matabism down. but you know that in long run you will.. i injoy feeling starved i have so much energy when i do it..but thats in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beth79 Posted July 17, 2006 Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 Bladey my friendy im here for you.Beth xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 sssshh Barebones, don't shatter my delusions!Have decided that i am going to eat less than 500 calories a day. 500 being the very maximum, 100 being more realistic for me.Tonight i will have a small plate of lettuce, tomato, cucumber, radish and beetroot. That will be it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted July 17, 2006 Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 start a diary blade! it will help you get strength from others :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vorpalblade Posted July 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2006 ok BB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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