I Can Feel It Creeping In

[aylaah]

Just wanted to add that disclaimer, I think it is important to differentiate - this is coming from aylaah the member, who came here for support and understanding and to meet others, not aylaah the moderator who works only when stable and in a frame of mind that will assess appropriately, ok?

Oh, and just in case, this might trigger.Sorry I can't be more accurate - I don't know yet what will come out in this post - but I expect it to be long and rambly and make little sense - so don't read if you don't want to, that is cool. I just need to get it all out.

Deep breath. Ok.

So it is the morning (5:30am) of my eldest's birthday. He's 7 today. I said to him last night, half-heartedly, you make me feel old when you grow up so fast...I'm 24, ssoooo old (sarcasm). Anyway I realised that what it does do is make me realise that I, if I am completely honest with myself, lose control, that little bit more each year. I can't control what he hears, who he hears it from, and he starts using these outside influences to form his own opinions. We're so different, he and I, and it already makes it hard to relate, I had PND with him and that had a serious effect on our early bonding and I feel like I've been playing catch-up ever since, and now I'm losing the chance to do that.

I am feeling myself generally just slipping into a depression. And it scares me, because I know its a fast road into another committable moment (as I call it, haha, when I am truly at the stage where those close would be able to commit me to a mental hospital, not that they have). I get down and depressed, then irrational, then off I go into one of those psychotic phases again that might last a few days or a few weeks but the whole time I'm disconnected from the world and going nuts in my own little space. Im no good to anyone when i am like that.

I'm frustrated with Tarquin's job, I'm just so over being married to a chef. Beyond that, an apprentice chef!! I don't know if you have them there, but to be a chef you have to be an apprentice for 4 years - which means you work and study at the same time, then you qualify. Anyway, he's 2 months of being 3rd year, and I'm sick to death of checking our account on pay day and seeing a $299 deposit for a weeks hard work! For a week of being away from the family 5 nights a week. For a week of me being home alone while he works and the kids are at school! What is the point?? Let me thing, oh god that in pounds (I dunno where that little L thingie symbol key is) is about 128 pounds?

He took a $100 a WEEK pay cut to take this job, and now they are putting all these extra expectations on him, and paying less. We knew the pay would be lower but never expected it to be THIS low. Yes its the legal rate btw. And there is nothing to compensate him being almost 27 with a family, apprentice is an apprentice whether you're 17 or 87 - oh well if you're over 40 you get a bit extra as a 'mature age' but screw anyone younger.

The pay isn't so much an issue if work is good to and for us. But they aren't!! They have put so much responsibility on him and its not fair!!! No matter how competent he is (and he is very), no second year should be in charge of running a kitchen, ever. but he is. I feel like they are taking advantage of his cheap labour and making him do more than he should be. Yes he *can* do it but they shouldn't be making him! What is it worth to him? Nothing! There is nothing that makes it worth the effort!!

So we've been looking at alternatives and decided Id look for work and he could do the study component and stay home (he's a better mother and housewife anyway) and then what happens? I feel like shit, and suddenly now I can apply for any job, any hours (and not work around school/after school care/DH work) there are suddenly SO few jobs I can apply for in the last few days and that just adds to the whole thing.

He's looking at taking a cooks job, even a waiter or something - pays up to double what he gets now, stays in the industry and he can do his study anyway on his own time. But I don't know what that will solve either.

I told him I could get diagnosed - depression is enough - and be sick enough to claim disability. Then he can stay home with me, get my parenting payments, and a carers allowance. How cool would that be? We'd have about the same $$ as now, and I'd get him every day, all day - and I love that idea. He said it made him uncomfortable for me to go on like that because he doesn't like to see me as being sick and being on disability would do that, and talking about him being a carer etc, he said I'm self sufficient and he gets sad when I talk like I'm not. I'M BLOODY NOT!!! I'm just exploring the options. Like I said to him, my ideal world is him home with me every day. We get on well together all the time, its fun, i like it! And it was just one of those 'escape clause' things I floated.

Oh I don't know I just feel blah. I'm on 150mg efexor and its not working anymore. I started taking it for the 'side effects' of depression without any depression - lack of motivation, tiredness, sleeping lots but insomnia, lack of focus or drive, feeling 'flat', and now I feel worse. I feel 'properly' depressed now. I know I should go back to GP but the last couple of times I have been there I have felt awkward. I adored him when i found him, a real old-style family doctor. its probably nothing but i feel funny there at the moment. i like the receptionist though she remembers me and my being too sick with my neck to get in and was lovely when i went in finally.

and i have to get all my tests and i know it. i know i need my thyroid checked and it might not only be causing the crap with my neck but also this depression!!!! but i dont want to get the blood tests and i put off the ultrasound again. i know the tests he wants done will probably show what is happening to me but i just keep 'forgetting' until times like this when i cant go in and get it done right away.

anyway i dunno im just over it and tired and sleeping til 1pm every day (and up now because i woke up an hour ago and need to be awake in AM to see son for birthday before school because its very selfish and bitchy and horrible of me to sleep through)

i dunno. just letting it out.

[Vorpalblade]

why don't you go to your doc and ask for your effexor upping?

[Leslie]

((((((((((aylahh)))))))))))) thkxs for sharing your feelings and throwing up what is bothering you.

I wish I could have the courage to make such an eloquent disclaimer... I think I'll do very soon.

I want to tell you that I agree with you in checking your thyroid, I suffer hypothyroidsm and sometimes is not antidepressants is the thyroid that needs levotiroxine to work well.

Take care,

Big hugs for you

Leslie

[aylaah]

thanks. Blade i know i need to get these tests before changing meds at all - and I know he'll say exactly that to me! and i know i need them, i guess i just want the results without actually having to do anything. im that unmotivated lately.

thanks for the compliment leslie i figured it was important if i had an issue with me to note the difference and let people know i wont go around in psychosis freaking out at posts and deleting at will, lol. I promise not to touch my moderator controls unless im in a good place!

[Leslie]

Didn't Josh or Emma make you signed an agreement of giving notice in advance of about a week before driving crazy??? or Did they do it just with me??lol

OMG

Take care,

Leslie

[allpsychedout]

Hi, aylaah. I know I'm not entitled to much of any opinion here since I don't really know you yet, but I DID finally manage to get INTO BPD World and read your thread...only I'm 'slipping' more and more into a bad depression too (totally diferent reasons) so I can can certainly relate to a depression becoming very bad.

I wasn't aware that going through a chef's apprenticeship paid so little! Sure does sounds like Tarquin is being more than a little taken advantage of. Is there ANY way, you think the two of you might be able to take this, until he can get through that apprenticeship so he can make a 'real' living? Because, his pay and your lifestyle WILL be very different, then.

Is the notion of you trying to go out to work a few hours per day, to help ends meet until he gets finished, just out of the question? If you claim 'disability', doesn't that put you on the slippery slope to never being able to get off of it? Here in the US, it does. Because, if you DO manage to get it, then ever get off it, you can never get back on, no matter what...and that is scary. Not that it DOES much for one, anyhow, here in the States.

His staying home to be a 'carer' sounds a little scary, too, for him, especially. I mean--there are situations whereby something like this does become an absolute necessity, for a family, if one member must have care 24/7, but--are you actually at that point? I hope for both your benefits that you can avoid this...

I dunno about your neck, but I wish you luck, getting thyroid tests done. I KNOW mine is quite low, but I have always 'tested normal' and here, it is very hard to find anybody to do a proper T3-T4 test, and know how to interpret the results. But, the medication for hypothyroidism, if it is found that's a problem for you, might help immensely! So I hope you will not really be reluctant, to find out.

It must be far more difficult for you, having children, too. That's something I know nothing about, having made a decision 'way back when to never allow myself to become pregnant, so...I can sympathize though, with anything which uses up extra energy if you just don't have much.

Perhaps you need more than just Effexor? It doesn't work for everybody. Would your GP send you to see a proper psychiatrist, or do you not wish to do that? Usually, they will allow you to try some psych meds that a GP will not deal with (but again, I am only speaking for my experiences, here in about 3 of our States).

As a fellow sufferer in a BAD depressive phase just now, I wish you luck, and that you find a way out of it much sooner, than later.

allpsychedout

[aylaah]

hey you're more than entitled to an opinion! If I put it out there, then it is there for everyone, so don't feel like you can't reply

Um, let me go through your post. Oh leslie you reminded me! OMG thanks I have some printing and scanning to do!!

We're looking into alternatives with the apprenticeship now. You can do the course on its own, and work as a cook (which is basically a chef but unqualified), for a few dollars an hour more. He'd only have to work part time to make the same money, and I'm happy enough living on the money if it means he's here more often, and with us, especially the kids, they are 7 and 5 and need their dad.

Both of us working part time is also an option. While I feel all of the things I do, we are looking at alternatives as well, so I'm trying to solve it.

As for our payments here, it is a different system - you can go on and off them as needed (except for the dole - the unemployment, which you can't get back if you're sacked for misconduct or quit, once you come off it you can only get it back if you're laid off through no fault of your own). Our payments are a lot more accessible than yours I think. I'm on parenting payments which are actually a combination - one part I can get until we earn about $90k a year between us, so most people do, and the others decrease as income goes up.

Disability is kind of a mix of the two. You can go on and off it but need to be assessed and they decide how many hours work you are capable of and then decide if they should be making you do it, and can do so. But if your next assessment is worse, that can be changed. If you stop the payment and work, you can go back on it if you are assessed again.

My mum is the same, she knows she has thyroid probs - she's been a nurse for 40 years, but every time she gets around to getting her tests they are normal - I have heard this is common and it can take months of repeat testing before your 'true' results register.

I'm a bit wary of asking my GP for a referral! I got one a few months ago now, when I thought I might have ADD - he just put that he recognised that I did indeed have some 'behavioural issues' that needed assessing, and sent me to a private psych. I made the appointment then cancelled because i couldn't afford it that week, and never made another. He brought it up at an appointment when I went in about depression, and I had planned then to ask him for the referral to the public clinic (free), but that put me off. I've been to see him twice since and both times I've felt like he's been a bit dismissive of me, and I keep thinking if i ask him he'll think Ill never go. I've also been worried that since I've been so stable lately the psych would be like, well, you're fine, you know?

So I think now I'm having more issues its a better time to go! I just need to get around to going. I will have a chat to my hubby about it - he's good at 'parenting' me when I need to be made to do something I dont' want to - the only reason he hasn't done that with my tests is because he's been at work every day they are open and I've been sleeping really badly and not up, let alone able to leave the house.

Anyway I better go, another essay for you, lol. I type as fast as I think, around 70wpm I think, so I can write everything without needing to paraphrase myself to make it quicker. Which means you all get to suffer my essays. If only 'life writing' was a course I could get accredited for, haha.

[Leslie]

Don't care about the essays, I like them, and mostly because I feel you more positive and I'm happy for you... .

Don't you have like public services with very low fares? We kinda have some here, but psych services are only for schizophrenia and bipolar personality.... BPD??? sorry?? What's that? I've found psychiatrists that know less than me about BPD... well that's another story... your turn for another essay... lol

Take care,

Leslie

[aylaah]

we have the 'private system' and the 'public system' here - public is free hospital, mental health (through clinics), etc. Depending on income, you can get more free, tests etc. The private system is accessible to everyone but requires you to pay the fee, medicare (like your nhs i guess) give you some back but not all, sometimes very little.

There are waits, they vary by area and business and availability. Psych services are available to anyone, my hubby went through them for drug abuse, before our kids were born, and they were great with him - he saw a social worker and drug and alcohol counsellor, and it was successful. He had bipolar (well, he's been off meds for it since our 7yo was born without any relapse so we sort of consider it as past tense) and got treatment that way for it as well.

I have a real issue with everything that takes more than one step at the moment. Like the tests, I went to the doc (an achievement - I've been like 4 times in 6 months, which is more than I've been in the last 5 years!) but I want the issue solved then. Having to get myself to the doc, then to tests and then back to doc before I have a solution, for some reason is really stressful! I guess it is that instant gratification need I have that triggers my impulsiveness. I can commit once for something but OMG after that is depressing and hard!

I'm the same with jobs! I'm applying and wish I could apply then turn up and start - but interviews etc are proving difficult for me to organise! I don't know how many jobs I didnt get because I never returned a call to interview! This is something I'm trying to work on, big time, and why I'm trying to address my issues by getting them out here, so that hopefully I can get a job!

I got a call-back from flight centre - I wouldn't mind being a travel agent lol. Can't call back til Monday though. Pay is ok, $40k plus the commissions on trips you sell. Nice Compared to Tarquin - I'm looking at a minimum in the jobs I apply for of about $200 a week, after tax (so, in hand) for 38 hours. Bit more at $40k.

[Leslie]

I completely understand you... being in social security (for us) is like hell. I waited 3 years for a brain surgery because I had a benigne tumor and I still feel the chills when I enter to that big hospital that reminds me all the bad time I spent waiting and in pain... but also we have kind of public services, which are not free but have very low fares, and some medicines you can buy with the prescription of these centers that are about 75% off the normal price... of course we have toons of people who can even afford these 'public' service.

Keep feeding the idea of becoming a travel agent... picture yourself selling, earning the money you need and it's going to make you embrace more the idea and stay possitive and don't go back and don't miss any of your interviews...

Take care,

Leslie

[Miko]

- keep all your options permanently open

- choose two or at most three groups of issues within the overall situation and do some at least medium level chunking down. Mind map the problems as they really boil down, detail after detail. Also any solutions, detail by detail. You can add further to these at any time.

- within that, choose one or at most two priority action areas to work out exactly what you are going to do about just those two things this week/month/three or six months - speak to someone, post a letter, make an enquiry, etc, small step by small step, estimate the time frames (which you can fine tune as you go along). Keep these pieces of paper handy to admire at frequent intervals because it is your life, your masterpiece (and Providence's). I had three lectures about this this week so am full of it - am only just beginning after 51 years

- read widely

- get your body checked out if/as much as you can, very wide ranges of commonplace illnesses cause or exacerbate the experiences you are going through. Caution: medicine by numbers is not meant to rule out any diagnosis/es, it is only meant to state how bad your condition is relative to your own norm. Unfortunately almost all doctors misuse that.

- Because you are on a very low budget, whatever career choices and plans you make, prioritise just one or at most two interventions that would be the most cost effective for in the present circumstances. Don't compare yourself with anyone else in choosing these even if you draw on their experience.

- You need hope. Lack of hope makes people feel very ill, further messes up the endocrine system etc. I have seen that providence is on my side.

- Your family needs maximum people on board to broaden your, your husband and especially your children's outlook. In whatever context, neighbourhood, church, schools, sports etc I hope there will be people to acquaint with in sufficient depth who can keep you all good company. I don't know how near you are to Connecticut but they have a concept called Communitas and Circles of Support, I have read and seen films about it, am trying to get my own Circle here in the UK but haven't yet. It is equally suited to singles like me and families. My parents in later middle age were inclined to think they were all they needed for each other but I saw the danger signs and told them to widen it. Before my mum passed away they had a wide enough selection of people looking out for/in on them and this is still in place for my Dad even though it is not called a Circle. If you alone can't be all in all to your little one you may gain reassurance that there are various wholesome people there for him and as you grow closer to those people you will get a better perspective on your child ... so speaketh the single man without dependents!

[aylaah]

thanks miko - I'm not in the US though, I'm in Australia, so nowhere near Connecticut

but thanks for everything else

I am feeling a bit better today, it is just me and xanthe home, the boys have gone to sydney for football (oh crap, afl, like gaelic football apparently but with a rugby-like ball) - Aquila goes on the field at half time to play auskick (kiddie version - no contact! lol) as a marketing thing I think, shows the crowd that it exists and what it is to get them to sign up their kids. Anyway its a big deal, 50,000+ people there, big stadium (the one from sydney olympics).

[Miko]

:o

A (for me) uncharacteristic geographical slip!

Perhaps Australia has its own branch able to be tracked down by computer

[ali]

DITTO to all ABOVE

(((((((((((((to everyone)))))))))))))

ali xx

[mrs tree]

sounds like a lot of options...I guess maybe don't rush into anything....If he has been doing this 3 years a few montsh to decide doesn't seem so long ...maybe if you had a clear cut idea in mind maybe that would be something to work towards...I know i sometimes look through the job ads and think yeah i could do that then realise i need to leave the house to do that then see people so i give up becuase it is not enough.

If you are going downwards as hard as it is maybe you need to focus on dealing with the depression/other illness side before making a descision where you have to work to support your family....Do you have to go for an interview for disability over here we have to fill out a very long form then only a few get assessed...It might take the pressure off you both

Mrs Tree

[pip]

If you got a part -time travel agent

You could get a cheap flight over

Dunno?

Good or Bad?

LOL

Pip

x

Hope you as member and moderator feel better

[Jewel]

(((((Aylaah))))))

[aylaah]

lol Pip I was reading into it and there is so much opportunity for travel, it is so appealing!

I had to say my dream trip - which is to go to the UK, hire a car, and spend 12 months going to every country in Europe So if I ever get that chance I'll have to let you all know, lol.

I had a massive chat to Tarquin last night about everything - and how I'm feeling, and also explained to him that while I get why he felt uncomfortable about the disability/carer thing, that to me I also saw it as a way for him to get some kind of recognition for how much he does for me - and it would mean I do see that.

He brought up some more issues that would actually make it a good thing - he was saying it would make it easier to be more open about what is going on (true), and explain things better to people, when he goes out of his way to do something I could technically do, he always has to come up with some excuse if asked about why I'm not, and this would give him that 'she can't' and have that accepted.

It's also harder for me to say to people too, because I spend so much time home with the kids, and I know it would only come out of worry but people would worry about that time I spend with them, if I'm not connected or doing well. So its kind of like by being on those benefits, it would be a lot easier to be open about the whole thing to others and be understood - for both of us.

Anyway it was good to actually discuss how we were feeling about that. I was saying I wish I was high-functioning like my mother, she is a workaholic - and I have issues with working - some of which I'm attempting to overcome by working again, I know I am in a better place now than I was the last time I tried to work full time, even if that is only a better place because of the understanding I have of myself and what is happening.

oooops I meant dr twipip

I'll just start telling people that i DO talk to a doctor on a regular basis, about my issues - lol. Well, not exactly untrue there, is it.......