Forgiveness Is...........

[Wisdom]

FORGIVENESS: WHAT IT IS

Compiled by Beth Ross, MSN

Buddha/Yoga

Forgiveness is a gradual and gentle internal process. It is a practice.

Forgiveness is accepting that our way of life is the way it is and not the way we wanted it to be.

Forgiveness is an act of self-love.

Forgiveness is a path, not a destination.

Forgiveness is a change in how we perceive ourselves, other people, circumstances, and events.

Forgiveness is for the benefit of the person who forgives.

Forgiveness is an act of loving-kindness towards oneself.

Forgiveness is taking greater responsibility for one’s happiness.

Forgiveness is a decision to see beyond another’s personality.

Forgiveness is healing separation and fear with connection and love.

Forgiveness is experienced as a letting go, a release, enlightening. freedom, confidence, joyfulness, peacefulness, love, open-heartedness.

It is easier to forgive than not to forgive.

Forgive can be invited, encouraged, and cultivated.

Forgiveness requires dedication, commitment, courage, faith, and love.

Forgiveness is an attitude that sets us free, so that we are not continually re-victimized by our wounds.

Forgiveness is laying down a burden.

Forgiveness is the dramatic action we can take to improve our physical and mental health.

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.

[InnerPeace]

Hmmm I've never liked the word forgiveness...I prefer 'release from blame' and the realisation that 'only hurt people hurt'.

For me the word forgiveness brings up the idea of condoning what was done, which I know it doesn't mean in this context but I find it hard to get away from that.

[allpsychedout]

Innerpeace, I can't help but agree with you, there. Maybe because I was brought up to think that 'forgiveness' was almost synonymous with the condoning of hurtful acts, somehow.

But it's a process, and it's for the 'forgiver', NOT the abuser. The hard part for me comes, when abuse was done not out of ignorance of consequences, but was instead performed as intentional acts of hurt.

I'm learning (albeit too slowly, since it comes back in waves) to figure out ways to see those vile acts, whatever they were, as 'spiritual problems of unenlightenment ' on the part of others. In meditations I try to envision those people, getting 'smarter' or learning better, seeing that protective divine light around them...I mean, SOME people who've hurt us really CAN learn better eventually. Not that they'd ever let on to anybody they should make amends to or downright apologize to...

How to complete 'forgiveness' towards those who've already crossed over? Well, I'm still working on that one. I just know that to 'forgive' does NOT mean, to say, 'oh, that's okay--I KNOW you didn't really INTEND to hurt me..."

allpsychedout

[Wisdom]

I am traveling in a car when someone pulls in front of me. Ordinarily I would be angry as heck and blaming the driver for having endangered my life or just being a jerk. Because of this driver I spend time being angry and fuming about thoughtless drivers..........

Instead I see the driver having a bad day (or whatever) and realize that my anger comes from myself. Not the driver. They don't own my anger. I am in charge it. I can start or stop the anger. My anger belongs to me. The more I spend ruminating about it, the more it begins to wear me down and and begins to affect my own behavior.

My forgiveness is not given to the driver nor the incident. There is no forgiveness that I need to offer the driver. My forgiveness involves my own sense of upset, anger, revenge............. I have no one to blame for my anger. Anger comes from within my brain.

I can't change what happened in childhood but I can control how I allow all that had happened to torture me. My past is still there and still painful. My feeling(s) belong to me.

I was loaned a CD by the writer. I may not have explained this well but being a Buddhist I continue to work the list and will continue and continue and continue.

No, I will not/never forgive my abuser(s). I will however forgive myself for having carried the fear, hate, negative images......... around with me for so many years. I needn't suffer anymore. Secondary wounding............ I refuse to do that. I'm a layperson in Buddhism. I don't claim to know all. I just want to rid myself of my suffering and difficulties of this life and to merge with all organisms. I thought the list(s) were interesting........ and felt it might be appreciated for conversation. Big topic/lesson in DBT.

om mani peme hung

[Betsy]

i liked very much the posts.

i think i am maybe on step 4 of 10 but with time will get there. i echo allpsychedout on how do we forgive the dead. i guess the anser lies in your second post.. we are not forgiving the abusers we are forgiving ourselves for hurting our selves.... secondary wounding as you call it. i like that term.. but essentially it is, i think, the same as what my t call "beating myself up."

thanks for the post .. most helpful to me.

bets

[Wisdom]

Your right Betsy. Beating yourself up = lack of self compassion. I didn't dare to count what I have and haven't forgiven on the list. I think expectations to count the list would then then bur don me and prevent me from ending my misery and causing more. Geezz I have enough.

I will never forgive my abuser(s). Gladly there is away to forgive myself and live freer. I'm beginning to do just that.

om mani peme hung

[Miko]

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past."

And in exchange receiving the best possible one.

[InnerPeace]

Ooo I like that one Miko.

[pip]

I think I forgive

(or at least don't mention it)

- but I find it very hard to forget

pip

x

[Betsy]

you don't need to forget pip.. but you do need to view it from a different perspective.

also not mentioning it is not the same as forgiving.

[pip]

OK

I think I need to work on the forgiving bit

pip

x

[birdesh]

Forgiveness is giving up on all rebellion against the dire injustice of our world

[dylis]

in my case, impossible

[Snipes]

Forgiveness isn't needed to heal

[bitter&twisted]

As the old saying goes, to forgive is human, to forget - divine.

[drew]

why do we have to forgive people when there bloody horrible

i dont forgive and i wont and perhaps i be ill till i die but they not getting forgiveness from me

[hybrid]

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past."

And in exchange receiving the best possible one.

Great one... I like that! :D

[transending]

As the old saying goes, to forgive is human, to forget - divine.

YES YES YES

If only we all could

trans

[transending]

why do we have to forgive people when there bloody horrible

i dont forgive and i wont and perhaps i be ill till i die but they not getting forgiveness from me

Drew

I have not read your profile

I do not know or judge you in any way but

If you cannot get some or other form of 'distance' call it 'forgiveness' call it 'seperation'

from whatever happened to you?

you will be the sufferer

I KNOW

trans

[bibiddi]

we are not forgiving the abusers we are forgiving ourselves for hurting our selves.... secondary wounding as you call it. i like that term.. but essentially it is, i think, the same as what my t call "beating myself up."

I like what Betsy said.

Not forgive the abuser,but forgive ourselves for hurting ourselves.

I believe that may be more achieveable for me.

[Rook98]

For more serious matters my philosophy is...

God Forgives

I ain't God

[transending]

I thought I knew what forgiveness is all about

untill today

It is so much more

its more than love and giving

more than forgetting

more than understanding

Forgiveness is :

although I stripped you naked and bare

you are brave enough to face yourself in all your crudeness

and still love me

I who did this to you

I love you

do you?

[Borderline One]

why do we have to forgive people when there bloody horrible

i dont forgive and i wont and perhaps i be ill till i die but they not getting forgiveness from me

My idea of forgiveness is not to forget the abuse happened, because that would be setting yourself up to be abused again.

You can forgive someone and say, I forgive you for what you did to me, but that doesn't make it okay. But the anger that I feel

because of what you did to me is only eating me up inside. I love myself enough to let it go. I will learn by my choices of the past and make

sure that I NEVER get myself in a position to have this happen again. *They* don't receive anything from your forgiveness,

only you do.

I hope this makes sense... but I have to admit, at times I feel the same way you do... to hell with them!

Christina

[little me]

I prefere to think about not hating. I personally cannot forgive my abuser, I cannot and will not ever understand how he could do that to me, or make me feel so awful for half of my life, and I cannot forgive him for puting my husband through the stress of living with the problems he caused, or for making my daughter have a mummy who is very sad.

I can however say I do not hate you, for what you did to me, because I know you are weak and I know needed to make me hurt to make yourself feel better, I do not hate you, because you, my friend, are more messed up than I will ever be. You took pleasure in making someone else feel helpless and vunerable and worthless. You needed to feel like a big man, because without me, you were a very small pathetic person, and you needed me to make up for your own lack of self worth. I do not hate you, you are to insignificant to hate, because I am stronger than you. I have never had to do the things you did to me to make myself feel better. Yes I am hurting, yes I am sometimes angry with myself for not being able to accept that it wasn't my fault, and yes, sometimes I do wonder how my life would have been if I had never met you. THEN, I look at my daughter, and I cannot hate you. Without the pain you caused me, I wouldn't be who I am, I would never have met the most wonderful man ever, who showed me what it was like to be loved for being me, and could understand that there are things that still upset me, and reminds me that I am brave, brave for not giving up, brave for still fighting, and stronger than he will ever be. I look at my daughter and thank God everyday that her daddy is a real man, who loves her mummy, and has made her strong and brave, so she will not suffer as I have.

I do not hate you, you are not important to me, you are no-one, you are worthless, you are the one who has to live with what you have done, and you have to see your face in the mirror everyday, knowing that that face is the face of a hurtful evil person, who will never be loved by anyone, and never feel what I feel now, dispite what you did!

And I do not hate me, because it was not my fault.

Well... I feel better!

[Justine]

Wisdom,

Thank you so much for that, i feel that i truly understand and agree with every point.

I can see where you are coming from about not forgiving others but to forgive ourselves, i don't blame others for the way i am, for what was done to me or indeed for any of my past, but i DO blame myself, so it makes sense that the forgiveness would have to come from within to heal the within....if that makes sense!!

About a year ago i started wondering about Buddhism and got a book out of the library to read up on it, unfortunately tho i just couldn't get my head round it at that time. What springs to my mind when i think of Buddhists is serenity, peace within, forgiveness and peace to the world among other things. To me it is what i want to achieve, i don't want my head full of what it is, i want a clear head, that is at peace with itself.

I keep on hoping.....