'independent Living'

[jez]

I live 30 min drive from parents and for years now have never lasted long before ive had to go back and stay with them for a while (even when i was married and hence not living on my own- yes it doesn't say alot about the state of my marriage). The biggest thing is the drinking as i have broken teeth, knocked myself out, broken bones, given myself black eyes and constant cuts and bruises (and this is not even mentioning the self harm) this is all because im not physixcally healthy and have reached the point when i cant hold the drink anymore, so i understand them bringing me back to theirs as they say that they wouldn't be able to live with themselves if i died when they knew i was doing things i shouldn't. but resentment apart (they were both CRAP when i was growing up and i have had suspicions for years that they are trying to make up for the past) and the fact that i have a big control issue and i get so scared they are controlling my life, i feel such a failure all the time of not having the ability to live, and being 33 and still going to parents regularly

even m.h.s have given up on me as a lost cause (or heart sink patient as one psycho called me years ago) im having another assessment but i can tell they give me no hope and just leave me in the hands of my parents which is not a good situation for any of us

im such a bloody loser, i really do wish i was dead alot of the time, the thought of a life time of this, not even being able to live safely on my own how ever miserable it is, is just too much to bear.

[realscape]

Hi Jez

Your predicament is so sad. I know where you're coming from. Being called a heart sink patient is surely something that should be done behind our backs not in our faces? How insensitive of them. But no surprises there. Perhaps if your parents are trying to make up for the past now, you can just let them do it and find a way of being honest to them about how you feel? Feeling scared of being controlled is a very 'addict' fear. Normally because we come from controlling parents which is what started us off in the first place. I personally don't see a problem with you taking support from your parents no matter how old you are so long as it isn't complete codependence. If your drinking is so out of control then perhaps you do need to just let them help you and depend on them for a while, try to cut down a bit, you can use wanting to get free of their help as a motivational force to stop drinking maybe? Whatever happens, don't let the fear of being controlled, the sense of failure, and the self-pity, rack up into drinking 'brownie points', find a different motivation from those feelings.

Can you not get into a rehab or go to some AA meetings? I partic hate AA but in your case, I think you would be best in the room of people who know where you're at than at home with your parents feeling like ending it all. Sorry for lecturing. But part of me feels like you're in a priviledged position to have two parents who are prepared to at try and help you. Stay safe, ease up on yourself.

[pip]

heart sink patient as one psycho called me

That is how alot of docs refer to patients

-BUT NOT TO THEIR FACE.

I hope you gave them hell.

I live alone

I have carers coming in for 16hrs a week to help me

If anyone official asks about my family - I say I don't have one.

You are an adult

You don't have to let them take care of you

- you can tell them to bog off and go back to your own home.

If you need help

you can get it elsewhere

Good Luck

pip

x

[mrs tree]

From your post it seems nothing will change while you are drinking...i know where i llive there are other agencies to help not just AA so sort them out hubby was given a number from his CPN ....You sound like you've had enough of been the way you are but while you sre been injured prolly internally aswell by drinking it isn't going to change much...you need to find your motivation to change and then go for it.

TC

[jez]

it upsets me when i'm considered to have a privledged position in having 2 parents willing to care for me. Up front in public thats exactly the sort of people my parents come across as and i get the 'your so lucky' with obvious undertones of a large part of things being my 'fault' or 'responsibility' with all that support.

The truth is no one has any idea of what goes on beneath the public facade, our family have had a huge amount of serious problems and it has taken a hell of alot of hard work to be anywhere near supportive of eachother now . i have also given a fair amount of time being a carer to mum and dad individually through their difficulties, so im afraid 'dysfunctional family' doesn't go anywhere near describing our family dynamics. just because you have a current relationship with family members does not necessarily make you furtunate, in many cases quite the opposite.

i feel incredibly got at now and judged by people, my head always does this, should have kept my mouth shut

[realscape]

Hi Jez

I'm sorry I upset you by saying that about your parents. I fully understand where you're coming from and I didn't mean to be so insensitive. The abnormality of having 'fake' and unreal parents who put on a facade is soul destroying for any child. It is the story behind most addicts (I call all compulsive behaviours addiction). I just thought from what you wrote that they realised they made mistakes in the past, and are more OK to be around nowadays.

Personally, I think that the addict in the family is scapegoated by such parents, and society, and therapists, and that it is best to break the emotional ties and stay away from parents during the recovery process. I did that with my family. I have never understood why treatment centres encourage 'family' to be involved in the therapeutic process. Personally, I would stand armed guards by every addict and say "parents, you don't get to know near this person until we've undone and repaired the emotional havock you've wreaked".

Sorry, I misunderstood your situation, and I genuinely didn't mean to be so triggering for you. I don't think you should feel 'got at' because of my mistake. I do think that for many of us here who are struggling with our own addictions that we can relate. I do think you're in a double bind because you are probably drinking because of the two people who you are depending on for support. There is a paradox in that which possibly means it is essential for your recovery to find support anywhere except with your parents. Anyway, just my ideas, and whatever I think isn't what other people here may agree with, so please don't feel got at in general.

[jez]

thanks realscape, im so unbelievably sensitive about everything, which is why i stay away from people in general and stayed away from this site for 8 months after joining as i find relationships, conversations, however 'virtual' destroying for me.

your right about the parent thing, but as a person so isolated and so given up on by m.h.s i don't really have many options right now. i am going back home in small bites, working towards full time as soon as pos, and its independence, but its all pretty bleak (and thats not self-pity by the way, ultimately i am a realist and can look at my life, my future objectively, how ever auful the words sound that's life and its our choice whether we can live with the reality of it or not)

there is no easy way to live when i can't be around others and can't sit with myself too well either!!

take care

[pip]

(((Jez)))

I hope it works out.

I have been thinking about this topic

and although I live alone

- no way am I independant.

I hope it gets better for you

pip

x

[innermuddle]

i can kinda relate in that i have never lived alone, i live with a couple who i refer to as my foster parents, they are affectively my carers i guess, they give me emotional support and look after me. The thought of living alone petrifies me, i don't think i could do it and as the thought of marriage scares me even more i guess i will be living here forever